PROTIP: If you’re going to drive like a complete asshole, it’s probably best to not do it in a car that’s got your cute little business logo and URL slapped on the back of it.  Adding a vanity plate with your business name on it is really just compounding the problem.  Having that plate actually be the Florida John Lennon “Imagine” plate adds a dimension of absurdity to all this that makes my head hurt.

So yeah, here’s looking at you, owner lady of Qrubini.com.  The last time I saw you, you and your professional entitlement mobile - also known as a silver Cadillac DTS - were riding my ass on 275 and FLASHING YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS at me in what I imagine was a morse-coded request that I either a) begin ramming the car in front of me so that I could create enough space for you to get to THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD on time, or b) side swipe the car next to me in order to get myself in a position to let you pass me so that you could, again, get to THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

This was on Sunday.  You remember Sunday, right?  It was raining.  Hard.  I was trapped under a balcony in Ybor for part of that storm, and it was raining and gusting so hard that the beads left over from the 4th festivities were being blown off balconies.  That’s right.  It was raining fucking mardi gras beads.  It continued to rain that hard most of the day, and that includes my little jaunt on 275 where I was going about 72 in a 65, which, while I’m no NASCAR enthusiast, seems to me to be a decent speed to be traveling in the left lane in the middle of a torrential downpour.  I guess THE MOST IMPORTANT SMALL BUSINESS OWNER IN THE WORLD didn’t think so.

Whatever, she finally fucked off down the road where I was able to watch her terrorize virtually every car with which she came into contact until she forked east off towards downtown.  That’s the best part.  That’s where I was going, and I ended up behind her at a light no less than fifteen seconds off her pace.  I guess all that light flashing paid off.

You should go check out her website.  I think you win a prize if you can actually find a business model.  This is my favorite part:

At QRubini our mission is to create a brand/label that is synonymous with a worthy lifestyle.  The adventure started with the design of a versatile logo, a logo that will be placed on a number of worthy products.  We believe as the world becomes smaller via technology and the globalization of trades, people will become more connected to the true flow of their money.

That’s some deep, meaningless shit right there.  Also, never underestimate the importance of coming up with a quality logo before you figure out what it is that you do.  Don’t miss this page, either, where whoever runs this thing has some “Ideas for Self Improvement (things to do to increase your patience level).”  No, seriously.

Whatever, I think the business is something about dresses that make little girls feel good that may or may not involve the exploitation of Nicaraguan seamstresses.  I’m glad to see that there seems to be a charitable component to the whole enterprise, because the person who runs it probably creates a vortex of karmic suck every time she gets in a car.

• 18 Comments

That’s right kiddies, time to clear out the Splog warehouse and make room for more dead hookers. For a limited time you can pick up a Splog shirt for only $10. Tell your friends! These are American Apparel beauties (the gray one is a tri-blend, soooooo soft) with custom tags, badass artwork and enough ‘burg cred to get you into the most exclusive St. Pete hotspots (think Wilson’s Lounge). Act now, Merchline operators are standing by!

• 29 Comments

• 1 Comment

We’ve covered paranormality before, but that pales in comparison to the big ball of awesome that will be rolling into Clearwater July 19th and 20th. That’s right kids, TAPSCON 2008 is about to knock your damn socks off.

If you find yourself asking “what is TAPSCON?”, begin by kicking yourself right in the damn junk. Then, do it one more time and read the following:

At its core, TAPSCON is a multi purpose gathering of influencial people in the world of ghosts & hauntings. Its a learning experience packed with informative presentations, demos, displays, music, paranormal celebrities and much more. Its a place to kick back and have a great time. Its unlike any paranormal gathering of its kind.

Yeah, that’s right, it involves GHOSTS and KICKING BACK while LEARNING and CELEBRITIES gather. Or something. Seriously, miss this and you might as well slap your mom right across the face for having you.

Seeing Blue Öyster Cult is worth it alone… wait, hang on… uh, “Join us at TAPSCON and enjoy our inclusive concert series featuring Underbelly (the original Blue Oyester Cult) and more!” Wait, that isn’t BÖC. Hell, a really lazy Googlejaunt shows nothing about Underbelly except that TAPSCON may be referencing the original name of BÖC, which was Soft White Underbelly. So you’re telling me that it isn’t BÖC, but instead 3 dudes that were part of the extremely shortlived band that predated BÖC? You lying sacks of shit, unless they tell me not to fear the reaper with Buck Dharma’s smoking riffs humping my earholes you MAY NOT CALL THEM BÖC.

At least ‘N Sync is still locked in… wait, hang on… “Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of ‘N Sync has teamed up with TAPSCON in an effort to raise money for less fortunate kids who aspire to follow their musical wishes.” Motherfuckers. Also, what the hell? Chris Kirkpatrick is raising money for music lessons via paranormal gatherings? Um, ok, that’s really friggin’ peculiar, but carry on.

I know for a FACT that Robert the Doll is in, though. You know, Robert, that super creepy doll that has resided down in Key West for over 100 years. He is most well known for torturing kids, staring creepily out of an attic window and generally wreaking paranormal havoc of all sorts. You know, a lot like the other inhabitants of Clearwater: the Scientologists!

• 1 Comment

It’s that time again.

Image not to scale.

• 1 Comment

What is it?  It’s GTA St. Pete, that’s what.  What master of overly compressed video clip art awesome do we have to thank for this?  This guy, who’s either a complete and utter genius, or he’s been eating lead paint chips since the age of seven.  It’s kind of a toss up, really.  In any event, remember kids, don’t huff gas.  Holy shit, don’t huff Axe Body Spray either.  The Intertron tells me this is a problem.  Wait what?  Yes, it’s so serious that the Axe site even responded with its own anti-huffing ads.  Axe would also like to remind you not to light yourself on fire, kids.

And just for shits, here’s a moment of St. Petersburg Pelican zen:

I for one welcome our pelican overlords. Seriously though, who hasn’t been to the pier and seen this in action and then been forever tormented by nightmares involving deadly pelican mobs? I can’t be the only one.  I don’t trust those birds.

• 1 Comment

Saturday, July 5th at New World, kiddies. Dead Maids (akin to Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Sonic Youth and Explosions in the Sky) are coming all the way from the UK, attachedhands may or may not have Summerbirds somewhere in it, Joon sucks (sorry guys) and Petrograd in Transit is a “heavily buzzed instrumental outfit” according to THX MGMT.

So remember, Pale Horse first, then off to the NWB for a rocking good time.

• 7 Comments

Guess what you’re doing on Saturday, July 5th? That’s right, you’re drinking free beer courtesy of Pale Horse under the guise of an art show! No, wait, that’s what we’ll be doing. You’ll be going to see another great art show put on by these lovely folks and scoping out some kickass graffiti.

The Energy Show will be featuring over 30 international graffiti artists focusing on technical and colorful graffiti lettering styles from artists such as Waf (Belgium), Cern (New York), Center (Florida) and Akut (Germany).

Saturday night is the opening reception which runs from 8:00 - 11:00 pm at Pale Horse (Corner of Central and MLK more or less). There is no cover, all ages are welcome and free drinks with proper ID. Also free is the opportunity to be seen with some of the hippest of the hip and the opportunity to say shit during future conversations with your friends about how Waf and Cern are some of your favorite street artists. Seriously, that shit will go a long way.

Oh, and while you’re there be sure to buy some shit. Hell, the badass skulltastic FL shirt at left is only $5. It will lend lots of cred to your Waf/Cern discussion if you throw in “I bought this shirt at a dope downtown art gallery that you probably wouldn’t know about, it is pretty exclusive.” Dude, you’re going to get chicks with that shit, I guarantee it.

• 1 Comment

I’m not a huge fan of cross posting.  I mean, there are a lot of people around town who self identify as bloggers for whom cross posting seems like a truly legitimate Internet business model.  There’s nothing better than thinking you can get something for nothing except thinking you can get something for nothing without having to leave your house.  I’m sorry your pyramid scheme didn’t work out.  Yes, try blogging!  Better yet, start a blog about your MLM/Network Marketing scheme.

Anyhoo, long-standing Tampa icon of generally spazzy dance cool, Jeremy Gloff posted this over on his Reax blog, and it’s so freakin’ hilarious, I had to share.  Messing with the christians in Ybor?  Pure comedy gold.

I loves me some live-action Rickrolling. Oh yeah, did you know that Reax has a crap ton of blogs on its site?  It’s true.  You should go read them.  Some of them are swell.  Original content, too.  Shocking.

• 9 Comments

Have ya’ll seen those douchey Segway® tours going on downtown? You know, the ones wherein douchey looking people with silly helmets ride the scooter that Dean Kamen predicted would be a world changing transportation revolution?

Anywho, here in Florida we embrace anyone with a grand idea and the ability to steal another person’s logo. And hell, if you’re going to steal a logo, go big. In fact, why not grab something hugely recognizable in the area like the Buccaneers flag?

Yeah, that’s nice, I like that. I mean, if it works for them it will work for you, right? I’m sure there’s no problem with just borrowing the flag. It might be nice, also, to go ahead and use the Bucs’ font as well.

Yes! That’s tits! See, people will associate all that built up good will they have with the Buccaneers brand and your shitty little tour company will seem familiar and trustworthy because of it. Dude, what if you put a really bad line drawing of a Segway® on the flag itself that is just a few lines away from being a penis!? HAHAHA. Man, THAT WOULD BE TITS!

Seriously, people, come on now. It is called trademark infringement, look it up. Try doing a Google or two at some point during your “business” planning. Oh, and you might want to hire a lawyer - incoming cease and desist!

• 3 Comments

No, really, it IS the bomb. Check it out: Live bombs haunt Orlando neighborhood

• More than 100 bombs and rockets have been found on Orlando school property
• Neighborhood was built around a World War II bombing range
• Army Corps of Engineers is conducting a $10 million cleanup
• Residents are outraged: “It’s incomprehensible”

Rad, right?! Looks like some totally clever developers bought the land dirt cheap, most likely because it was strewn with live bombs, and developed half million dollar homes and a school. Nevermind that it was a World War II bombing range, that stuff is ancient history! In fact, hell, there’s probably a great marketing tie in for the city:

I’m so moving there, I bet you can buy those houses totally on the cheap. Prices are dropping! You know, like bombs! Bombs drop! Get it? Florida: America’s punchline since 1845.

• 2 Comments

Oh Florida, how I love thee. Where else can my trip to work be suddenly and delightfully interrupted by an amazing, life changing invention like Water Wheels? I mean, fuck me, it’s like a super soaker for your bike!

Invented by a local man, this is CLEARLY the HOTTEST new toy for a COOL WET summer of fun. Be sure to check out the media coverage in which inventor Tim Englert reveals that he underwent 10-12 years of R&D and practically guarantees you’ll be able to get your Water Wheels this coming Christmas 2004.

The most important thing you NEED to do is watch the awesome cartoon that will hypnotize you into wanting, nay needing a Water Wheels this very instant.

Right. So remind me why I would see a truck this morning with this shit plastered all over it if Christmas 2004 already passed and clearly no one wanted the damn thing? Oh, right, because here in Florida we IGNORE TIME. I promised you something 4 years ago? Fuck it, who cares?! Dirty hipster shit was big in major cities 4 years ago? Fuck it, roll in some dirt and call yourself cool.

• 2 Comments

Spotted at Mema’s Alaskan Tacos.

• 8 Comments

Gay pride is in the air; in fact, it’s been in the air all month, seeing as how June is pride month.  It seems to me it’s had a little lower profile this time around in the media.  I can’t figure out if that’s a good or a bad thing.  You might remember that last year we got to deal with everyone’s favorite brimstone-spewing megaphone jockey, Larry Keffer, and there was a lot of discussion of free speech zones, all of which, of course, somehow magically elicited lots of feisty, raving anti-sodomoy bursts from Larry Keffer.  I swear that dude captured a Google bot and keeps it somewhere in his basement.  That dude will comment on your blog before you’re even done writing.  Oh, that reminds me: HEY BUDDY!  Now make with the Leviticus.  I’m still a little unclear on that shellfish thing.

I don’t know, maybe the protestors are keeping it on the DL this year, since a bunch of them who came down here in their creepy church van from Georgia were just found guilty of violating a city ordinance for having signs that exceeded a certain allowable width.  According to the ordinance, signs can’t be wider than the carrier’s torso.  Rad.  See, now this is one of those moments where the absurd literalism of the law can actually be used for good.  Had the ordinance had anything to do with the actual content of the signs, well then you’d have a free speech issue on your hands.  No, however, as the ordinance states, it’s just about public safety and ensuring that people are able to walk freely around you, your bible, and your silly sign.  You know, public safety, and ok, maybe an eensy weensy little bit to do with keeping jackasses away from the proceedings.  Unofficially, of course.

Why not fight a technicality with a technicality?  Are you morbidly obese?  Do you hate gay people?  Can you carry a sign?  Awesome!  The van will be by your house at noon.  Bigger torso.  Bigger sign.  Ahem.

The other startling news this year?  Mayor Baker will again neither be endorsing, nor attending the parade tomorrow.  Why the latter?  It appears his office never got the email invite.  Sure buddy, sure.  Jesus built my spam filter.

You love a parade, and it’s tomorrow, June 28, at 10am.  Be there.:

Details here and here.

• 1 Comment

Times Columnist: I need an image for a story about a girl who murdered her mom. We need to be a little sensitive, though, it is a pretty rough story.

Times Photo Editor: Hmm, sensitive. Not sure what you mean there, but I’ve got the PERFECT photo. We obtained this AWESOME image of the little girl appearing to STRANGLE her now dead mother. Check it out!

• 2 Comments