There is so much awesome in this photo I don’t even know where to start. The auditions for this band must have been interesting to say the least. And boy do I have great news for you: tonight you are going to the Ritz to see Who’s Bad, the Michael Jackson tribute band. Yes, yes you are. I mean, look at these guys, how can this be anything less than absolute perfection?

I’m rather intrigued by the photo below. Is there a tiny person and a stoner actually IN the band? Or are these just the type of people that came to the show? Either way I want in on that party.

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The clowns over at This Just In have a knack for poor writing. Now, granted, when you’re trying to break news in the breaking news utopia of Florida it is kind of hard to pay attention to the basics of writing. But, I digress. Today these folks have written what may very well be the perfect headline for this story:

Trucks loaded with beer stolen; thieves remain missing, possibly drunk

Everything you could possibly need to know about the story right there for you to lazily take in. However, it also leaves just enough to the imagination that you are compelled to check out the details. Although that compulsion is probably more from being conditioned by Florida news to know that there is more gold to be found.

Deputies found the trucks’ cabs abandoned in a vacant lot in the 300 block of W Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard around 5 p.m. The trailers and the likely tipsy thieves are still missing.

Damn, these aren’t your standard thugs we’re talking about - these are thugs with a third and perhaps fourth cab that they used to transport the trailers. I’m impressed, fellas. Of course now there is the trick of moving $70,000 worth of beer without drawing too much attention.

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I swear the Lord himself is throwing us all kinds of shit to post because he was bummed he couldn’t get his laugh on while we were away. File this one under HOLY FUCKING SHIT…

ST. PETE BEACH — Emergency personnel are investigating a report of a shark attack in the waters behind a home off Boca Ciega Drive Wednesday afternoon.

Dude, what? A shark rolled up into someone’s backyard and bit their ass? What is this town coming to?

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This dude is going to be seriously pissed when he wakes up on November 4 and realizes he has spent a small fortune on yard signs, Google ads and a team of people annoying me with shitty e-mails. Hell, he may be pissed on September 2, but you have to guess that the sheer number of times people will see his dumb signs will get him through the primary.

Seriously, though, the guy sells paint. He may be lovely, smart, have good ideas, etc. but what the hell does selling paint have to do with mayorin’? I’ll tell you: nothing. The one thing he does have going for him is his delusions of grandeur - check this out from his most recent e-mail:

The Pier visioning committee needs some time to do its job and come up with the next version of this important asset to our city. Paris has the Eiffel Tower, New York has the Statue of Liberty and, under my watch, St. Petersburg will have its subsidy free and iconic Pier for tourists and locals alike.

Sweet, that sounds totally attainable: something in the ‘burg that people equate with national treasures. Remember kids, open a window when working with paint, the fumes can be quite dangerous.

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That’s right kids, the swine flu has hit the ‘burg. Cue hysteria and panic in the streets.

“A child attending A Ginny’s Little Giants day care facility in north St. Petersburg has contracted swine flu, according to Bay News 9.”

That is an actual photo of how the kid contracted it. Seriously. The little dude was making out with a sick pig. Wait, sorry. I must admit I didn’t actually read the story so I drew my own conclusions and searched for a photo that made the most sense. But I bet I’m pretty close to the truth.

There aren’t a lot of details just yet, but the underlying message is clear: RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!1!!!1!

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Yeah, that’s right, we aren’t dead. We were so proud of our own Sean Roberts (a.k.a. “Crazy Cracker”) that we came out of retirement for this one. Lesson for all you folks out there fretting over exactly what to get permanently etched into your face: a tattoo of Florida is a swell idea, just remember to cover it up during that next home invasion robbery.

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I posted too soon and missed the bucket of win that is stpeterecovery.org. Way to rock it transparent stylee, Ricky! I’m guessing they did this shit in a hurry, and here’s why:

Oops, <br> tags in the title.

Oops, I think we’re missing a header image and shit is getting overlapped and whatnots. They do actually have some content, though, check it out. Oh wait, they just copied that from the actual bill.

Seriously, though, I’m glad the Mayor and his peeps are going after the free Obama paper. Keep an eye on that site to make sure they spend it correctly. You know, like NOT on people doing “night water patrols” to ticket your ass for using water. I mean, I care about the earth, I really do (I water from a rain barrel, go ahead and call me a hippy) but I imagine a few more cops on “people not getting killed” patrols would be a better use of resources.

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Last year a little dude in Stuart, FL got arrested for the most natural of bodily functions. The world laughed, Florida collectively groaned in embarrassment and that was that. Well, you’d think so anyway.

LAKELAND, Fla. (AP) — A Lakeland eighth-grader has been suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas.

Really?! I mean, really?! The thing that troubles me the most is that the Times didn’t write this up themselves, they picked it up from the AP. Yeah, it is on the wire.

So, once again, you can Google for ‘lakeland fart’ or some variation and see all the papers all over that have picked it up. Sigh.

Image courtesy my all time favorite internets website

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Wait, I think I’m saying that wrong. Our boy Charlie Crist and his team of AWESOME has launched a new site for the Florida Office of Economic Recovery at flarecovery.com. I bet you read it as flare covery too, eh? So why didn’t they go with flrecovery.com instead you ask? Well, because that, and every other damn domain name is already owned, of course!

It looks like the toolbags over at the Florida Retail Federation (FRF) purchased flrecovery.com on January 15 of this year, probably to sell us some shit with it. The FRF owns their own domain at frf.org, but that simply forwards to floridabankcardsolutions.com which might make your eyes bleed.

Sorry, got off topic there. The first, and most important thing to cover about this site is the following: Charlie Crist can take some seriously unfortunate photos. Even tiny inset Charlie thinks he looks ridiculous waving like a Prom Queen. Check it:

Now, the second most important thing is the following: THANK YOU BARACK O-GODDAMN-BAMA!!! Seriously, this man has done so much good for web design. I mean, sure, he’s cool otherwise with the President thing and whatnot, but it is so refreshing to start seeing government websites not be unusable pieces of shit and I attribute that largely to he and his team.

Third: Check out the awesome photos of a meeting. So good.

Seriously, though, keep an eye on this. Education is second on the list, which I’m hoping means that is where it falls in priority order. To me that is the single most critical area not only to prevent cuts, but to invest through teacher raises and serious infrastructure work. As the incomparable Whitney Houston so wisely said:

I believe the children are our are future, teach them well and let them lead the way.

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Your Thursday night just got booked, and you’ll be spending it at the Studio@620 for Open Wall Night. This clever show allows “any and all local artists to display one or two pieces” and is a fundraiser for Ready for Life, a community organization that helps foster youth leaving state care. Kids get aged out of the foster care system all of the time and they are basically given a handshake and a half-assed “good luck, kid.” Ready for Life is aiming to empower these kids with the tools and resources necessary to manage the difficult transition. So, go get a drink, see some art, BUY SOME ART, and feel good about being socially conscious. Shout out to Justin for putting this together.

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As we’ve talked about before, Creative Loafing up and shitcanned several of their staff not too terribly long ago. And if we’ve learned anything in this world, it is that VH1’s template of fondly remembering shit people didn’t so much care for the first time is pure gold. And while this kind of glorified reminiscing used to be reserved for things from many years ago, their recent model of “I Love the Yesterday” has taught us that it is never too early to check in on our favorite heroes and villains.

Alex Pickett will report for food and has started his own blog (good luck with that, bro, we know blogs and they suck assholes). He’s only a few days in, but we expect good things, especially when yesterday’s story was a hard hitting exposé on confederate license plates. God bless Florida. Also, a suggestion for all you readers out there who have managed not to lose your jobs in this rad economy: buy Alex a sandwich and demand a story out of it. I mean, come on, he’s advertising “will report for food,” so hit the deli and take advantage of this once in a lifetime chance to have a story of your choosing written by a pro journalist. Have fun, Alex!

Wade Tatangelo is keeping busy, which I must admit surprises me. But hey, good for him, and I mean that - this is a shitty time to be out of work and he seems to be finding work writing. Wade’s blog appears to mostly collect links to stories he’s written for a variety of publications out there. We missed it when it ran, but he’s even doing some big work for pubs like Maxim.

Anyone know what Anthony Salveggi is up to?

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This is straight jacked from the AP and tcpalm.com, thanks Nate. I LOVE FLORIDA!!!

A Florida woman called 911 three times after she paid for a 10-piece Chicken McNuggets at a McDonald’s but the fast-food restaurant ran out of them and refused to give her a refund.

Latreasa L. Goodman, 27, made the calls after she tried to get her money back from a Fort Pierce McDonald’s and the cashier told her all sales were final. Police released the 911 tapes.

“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one,” police quoted her as saying. “This is an emergency.”

The cashier suggested she choose something else off the menu of equal value to the McNuggets, and offered the restaurant’s cheeseburger called the McDouble.

“She’s trying to force me to eat something off the menu and I don’t want it,” Goodman told 911.

The first dispatcher, a woman, asks if there’s a manager there, but listens to Goodman’s complaints and says she’s sending someone.

The second, male dispatcher tells her he’s aware of the incident and “we’ve got an officer coming out there to talk to you.”

Police say Goodman was cited on a misuse of 911 charge. A current phone listing for Goodman couldn’t be found.

A McDonald’s spokesman said Goodman should have been given a refund, and she’s being sent a gift card for a free meal.

First 911 call
Second 911 call
Third 911 call

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Er, wait, Bottom 5… my bad. Men’s Health, the leading authority in everything, has named St. Pete the 5th worst city at recycling in the US (95th out of 100, w00t!) Le sigh. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out Mayor!

Another fun one from the same survey: 97th Worst City for Men (based on Health, Life and Fitness).

We suck.

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Thieves steal $6,800 worth of artwork from Florida Craftsmen

ST. PETERSBURG — Sometime between 6:30 and 7:30 a.m. Wednesday, the two men broke into the gallery at 501 Central Ave. through a never-used outside door to executive director Maria Emilia’s office and made a beeline for two glass sculptures — a Duncan McClellan vessel worth $5,200 (pictured) and a $1,600 Chuck Boux vase.

First off - this sucks. Second - I predict these stupid assholes put those things on eBay or somewhere that is easily tracked, because, you know, Florida criminals are super smart. Third - fuck you tampabay.com and your stupid broken video embed code.

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