You may have noticed that Friday’s tend to be our lazy ass day, often featuring lazy ass YouTube links. Today is no different except that the level of awesome displayed in the videos of the James/Miller Family Reunions held in St. Petersburg is off the charts. As far as I can figure, the James/Miller Family is a talented bunch of people that seem to work a talent show into their clearly fun-filled reunions over the years. The gem below is from the 1994 reunion (boy was that a crazy one). Keep an eye on their channel, it looks like someone is digitizing a bunch of old tapes and I guarantee there is more WIN to be had.
Let me start out by saying that State Media fucking sucks at promoting shows. Seriously, what the hell? I’m just now finding out about Slick Rick playing the State tomorrow and the shit isn’t even listed on their site? People, come on, try a little harder.
Fortunately, though, the great news that Rick the Ruler will be in the ‘burg almost makes me forget the suckitude. That’s right, Slick Motherfucking Rick, aka Ricky D, aka Rick the Ruler. Tickets are $20 ahead of time (although your guess is as good as mine where you buy them) and $25 at the door.
Splog Slick Rick Fun Facts:
- The eye patch is actually functional! He’s blind in that shit.
- He was recently pardoned of attempted murder charges that have been haunting him since 1990.
- Attempting to deport his ass (related to the 1990 charges), INS officials snagged him in the middle of a live performance on a Florida cruise ship.
There’s been lots of talk about this and we here at the Splog think it is our duty to keep you abreast of the latest. We scour countless news sources for the stories that affect your life, sources like ElectricNet. ElectricNet broke the news yesterday (and by “broke the news” I mean they posted a press release from Progress Energy) that Levy County is looking very much like the new home of 2 nuclear power plants.
Granted this news doesn’t guarantee they’ll be built, that will be left up to Progress Energy, however it definitely paves the way. You may be thinking “where the hell is Levy County?!” to which I would respond “what are you, a complete idiot?!” Levy County is of course home to major cities like Bronson, Yankeetown, Otter Creek and Lebanon Junction. Seriously, what a dumb question for you to ask.
The heart of Levy is roughly 130 miles north of us, not terribly far away. There were cases of cancer related to the Chernobyl disaster reported as far as 310 miles away. Doh! But hey, what could go wrong, this is Florida we’re talking about!
Wow. Let’s just start with that. Wow. Let’s also start with two important facts. First, I have no problem with gay people. Second, I am not a fan of people dying in motorcycle accidents. Got it? Great, now on to the wow.
It looks like the FHP is taking steps to attempt to address the uptick in motorcycle fatalities that some are blaming on an increase in bikers due to higher gas prices. This is good news, that’s precisely what the FHP should do. Certainly there are some obvious things that I can think of that they might try (helmet law, anyone?!), but this here is Florida and in Florida doing the obvious thing is crazy talk. Instead the FHP has announced their new safety campaign called “Ride Proud. Dress Loud.” No, no, stop laughing, I’m serious.
It looks like someone thought the most logical way to address the problem is to convince bikers, who traditionally wear nothing but black, that wearing 80s neon chaps will be their salvation. Seriously, quit laughing, this is for real. Now certainly “Ride Proud. Dress Loud.” is a tad easier than the original name (”Motorcycle Conspicuity” - for serious), but dudes… you are doing it wrong.
They started off with a list of helpful tips which include such gems as:
While inconspicuous black clothing may be in fashion, it offers little visibility on roadways.
Right, let me throw out my collection of all black gear immediately, good idea. Or perhaps you could just replace your bike!
Motorcyclists can purchase a brightly-colored bike from the factory for higher visibility.
If this stuff doesn’t seem out of touch, check out the ads to the right. No, I didn’t Photoshop these, they actually contain incredibly homoerotic taglines like “Great Balls of Fire” and “Green Eyed Monster.” WTF!? Do they have any clue who their audience is? I mean “Good Morning Sunshine” is your best effort to reach bikers?! Let me know how that works out for you.
You know, we get a lot of tips around here. There’s a lot of WIN in St. Pete, and people like to send us emails pointing that out to us. There’s nothing we do better than pointing out what’s right with St. Pete. Well, ok, we do some of that, and I swear we’re trying to get better at it. Anyway, it would be physically impossible to write posts about all the crappy local websites we encounter on a daily basis.
Every now and again, though, we get sent something special. Take the site for local technology-related something or other business CCID Technologies. Seriously, go check that shit out. I love this site. What’s great about the interwebs is that sometimes people just leave shit up that’s been there since 1997. I remember 1997 fondly. It was back then that putty-colored things in the IT world meant “serious business,” and when having a site that was black, white, and red meant that you were probably trying to subtly suggest that you were somehow allied with CompUSA, which also meant: Serious business - serious enough for you to grab a photo of a serious-looking putty-colored set up with three high tech CRT monitors and use it as your site banner. If you were rocking a three CRT set up in 1997 it definitely meant “serious busines.”
I’m not going to lie. I was there, and this site takes me right back and makes me feel a little nostalgic. I’m so glad this has stayed up since 1997. Wait, what? Copyright 2005? Oh. Well maybe the site’s been up since 1997 and they just updated the copyright info. Hmmm, apparently not. A look here shows that the code snippet they used in their banner to show, you know, that they code mad CSS is from a Myspace theme. Wow. You know, seriously, nothing says “check out my ninja coding skills” like a snippet from a Myspace theme. The fact that the background image is hosted at ImageShack is really just icing.
I just can’t stop myself sometimes. Ahem. Those of you watching at home will notice that the menu is composed entirely of individually rendered Flash animations. No, seriously, there’s a separate .swf for each tab. Why did I never think of that? Click here if you’d like to go home. Dude, your house is HUGE.
At least the logo says TECH. Serious tech.
Wait a minute. Where have I seen that font before? Oh, right.
Serious android tech. I knew that site was designed by robots. Who else would greet you with, “Welcome valued individual”?
I sense serious win in the font sector. What do you guys think?
This is even lazier than the original lazy post. I posted yesterday about Times staff writer Chuin-Wei Yap using the term “pulls out” in a story about Caliente Resorts. Looks like between posting it to the Breaking News blog and turning it into a legit story Chuin-Wei pussied out.
Breaking News blog intro:
Caliente Resort pulled out of the American Association for Nude Recreation…
New intro:
Caliente Resort pulled its affiliation late Friday with the American Association for Nude Recreation…
I want my high five back, Chuin-Wei Yap.
Holy shit. My favorite incipiently type 2 diabetic sex slave contractor is in the news again. You know, Master Drew, aka Andrew Kobak, aka Heatmiser, aka Lunchbox, aka that guy who lured a mentally-disturbed 19 year old down to Florida in order to make her his sex slave. This story bothered me so much that I had to write about it twice (here, and here). Seriously, that dude owes me some space back in my brain. That shit is at a premium to begin with at this point, and personally, I’d rather continue to be able to rattle off the name of every Ramones drummer than have instant recall of the sixteen felonies with which Kobak was charged. Marky, Richie, Elvis . . . aw, nevermind.
Anyway, yeah, Drewballs apparently plead out of the charges against him. Wait, what? How the fuck does that even happen? The last I checked, just sitting on the prosecutor until he or she cries uncle doesn’t really cut it in the realm of plea bargaining. Did he name names? Maybe he’s just really persuasive, I mean, he is a Master, after all.
I think there’s another reason entirely. We here at the Splog got sent an exclusive scan of a section of the “contract” betweem Kobak and his victim. Check it:
Do you see what I see? That’s right. Comic Sans, bitches! No contract written in Comic Sans can be binding. I rest my case, your honor.
Seriously, I’m starting a petition to change the Florida state tree from the diseased Sabal Palm to the FACEPALM. *zing* I’ll be here all night. Try the veal. *facepalm*
Man, this is the ultimate lazy post. I already covered the suspension of Caliente Resorts from the American Association for Nude Recreation, and now the relationship has been severed. That isn’t the funny, though, the funny is the breaking news blog’s choice of words:
Caliente Resort pulled out of the American Association for Nude Recreation, following an investigation into sexually charged monthly parties at the club organized by a swingers group with Caliente’s blessing, the association said Monday.
ZOMFGLOLROFLCOPTER. High five to Times staff writer Chuin-Wei Yap.
Hey, kids, do you read the news? Are you aware that some dirty foreigners now own one of America’s greatest companies? That’s right, Belgium-based InBev is now the proud owner of Anheuser-Busch, makers of such fine beers as Bud Light Lime, Chelada and Natty Ice.
I should make it clear that I usually avoid Anheuser-Busch products as far as beer goes, unless I’m desperate. But, it is rather shocking to see a 156 year old family owned company sell to a totally not American nor family owned company. I mean, hell, the Busch family didn’t even agree on it.
This story isn’t about America being purchased by terrorists, though… hahaha, I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish that sentence without laughing. Can you imagine Belgian terrorists? That shit is funny. No, this story is about the fact that InBev is not interested in stupid theme parks and may be looking to unload the 10 parks, which obviously include our own Busch Gardens, Adventure Island and Orlando’s Sea World. I love this line about the parks:
They always have been regarded as part of Busch’s marketing to make beer appear more family friendly and the company socially responsible.
Haha, family friendly beer sounds awesome. Come here, son, let daddy show you how to shotgun a beer. Responsibly. Here’s some history for you:
August Busch Jr., who kept a home in St. Pete Beach when his St. Louis Cardinals wintered in the bay area, opened Busch Gardens next to his new Tampa brewery in 1959.
Disneyland opened in 1955, so Busch was only a few years behind the birth of American theme parks - that’s pretty awesome. Sad to see it go, I’m a huge Disney geek and Busch has actually impressed the shit out of me with their ability to run quality parks and even have a better Halloween event than Universal.
The most logical purchaser would be Six Flags, but those bastards are tanking with their stocks trading at 77 cents. You may remember that Six Flags actually owned a park called Atlantis in Hollywood, FL for a very short time which doesn’t exist any more. With them out of the picture I’m not sure who is going to drop $4.6B, unless we can start a campaign to raise the dough and be the proud new owners of a handful of slightly used theme parks. Anyone in?
Or, at least it appears to be with news of two cab robberies early this morning - one of which ended with the driver being shot. What the hell?! Combine that with the purse snatching attempt the Splog crew was party to in front of the Independent last weekend and it sure looks like a crime wave to me!
Seriously, though, let’s have a little heart to heart regarding robbery. Consider this some free advice should you decide that a life of crime is in your future. This is pretty simple, just a few things to remember:
Good robbery targets: Banks (they have lots of money), rich people’s houses (ditto on the money), Check cashing establishments (once again with the money).
Bad robbery targets: Cab drivers (seriously, how much cash can they really have?), individual purses (ditto on the limited cash)
Here’s the thing, people: St. Pete is not the kind of city where there are a ton of cab drivers raking in a ton of money, it is just too damn sprawly. I’m sure on the weekends the handful of hard workers make a pretty penny off of the drunk assholes downtown who need a ride back to their big ass houses in Old Northeast, but that’s the exception.
Try harder criminal dudes, try harder. Or, wait… no, that’s not good advice. Go try harder in Tampa. Yeah, that’s the ticket!
On the fourth Blissday of every month, the Whos gathered around the magistrate for a lesson in social etiquette. It had been this way as long as anyone could remember. None of us ever wanted to be cornered by the magistrate, but it was bound to happen one day, and it usually went something like this:
“And you, Danny Who. What would you do if a Wimbush bumped into you?”
“I’d befoozle her slimper, and then I’d blatten her crumper!”
Turning to the other child, the magistrate asked, “And you, Franny Who, what would you do if you were Bumped by a Bumpers?”
“I’d weefle her blosten and smidgen her woofus!”
Or, if you’re Pamela Bumpers, who did in fact Bump into a Wimbush, Jacqueline Wimbush to be precise, maybe you’d just start a fight and bite off the tip of her finger. Like, ouch. Just the tip, though. Ahem. Remind me not to take any risky plane trips over the Andes with Pamela Bumpers. I have to say, however, this is really a step up from her previous arrests for driving on a suspended license. It’s a step down for her hair, though. It looked a lot better when she got booked in February. Oh no I didn’t.
PROTIP: If you’re going to drive like a complete asshole, it’s probably best to not do it in a car that’s got your cute little business logo and URL slapped on the back of it. Adding a vanity plate with your business name on it is really just compounding the problem. Having that plate actually be the Florida John Lennon “Imagine” plate adds a dimension of absurdity to all this that makes my head hurt.
So yeah, here’s looking at you, owner lady of Qrubini.com. The last time I saw you, you and your professional entitlement mobile - also known as a silver Cadillac DTS - were riding my ass on 275 and FLASHING YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS at me in what I imagine was a morse-coded request that I either a) begin ramming the car in front of me so that I could create enough space for you to get to THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD on time, or b) side swipe the car next to me in order to get myself in a position to let you pass me so that you could, again, get to THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.
This was on Sunday. You remember Sunday, right? It was raining. Hard. I was trapped under a balcony in Ybor for part of that storm, and it was raining and gusting so hard that the beads left over from the 4th festivities were being blown off balconies. That’s right. It was raining fucking mardi gras beads. It continued to rain that hard most of the day, and that includes my little jaunt on 275 where I was going about 72 in a 65, which, while I’m no NASCAR enthusiast, seems to me to be a decent speed to be traveling in the left lane in the middle of a torrential downpour. I guess THE MOST IMPORTANT SMALL BUSINESS OWNER IN THE WORLD didn’t think so.
Whatever, she finally fucked off down the road where I was able to watch her terrorize virtually every car with which she came into contact until she forked east off towards downtown. That’s the best part. That’s where I was going, and I ended up behind her at a light no less than fifteen seconds off her pace. I guess all that light flashing paid off.
You should go check out her website. I think you win a prize if you can actually find a business model. This is my favorite part:
At QRubini our mission is to create a brand/label that is synonymous with a worthy lifestyle. The adventure started with the design of a versatile logo, a logo that will be placed on a number of worthy products. We believe as the world becomes smaller via technology and the globalization of trades, people will become more connected to the true flow of their money.
That’s some deep, meaningless shit right there. Also, never underestimate the importance of coming up with a quality logo before you figure out what it is that you do. Don’t miss this page, either, where whoever runs this thing has some “Ideas for Self Improvement (things to do to increase your patience level).” No, seriously.
Whatever, I think the business is something about dresses that make little girls feel good that may or may not involve the exploitation of Nicaraguan seamstresses. I’m glad to see that there seems to be a charitable component to the whole enterprise, because the person who runs it probably creates a vortex of karmic suck every time she gets in a car.
That’s right kiddies, time to clear out the Splog warehouse and make room for more dead hookers. For a limited time you can pick up a Splog shirt for only $10. Tell your friends! These are American Apparel beauties (the gray one is a tri-blend, soooooo soft) with custom tags, badass artwork and enough ‘burg cred to get you into the most exclusive St. Pete hotspots (think Wilson’s Lounge). Act now, Merchline operators are standing by!
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