I stole that headline from Jay Cridlin over at tbt*, because, well because I couldn’t really write a better one. Nice work, Jay. Jay wrote a story about the Jugs Across America trailer coming to Raymond James before the USF game tonight. Jugs across what now? Let’s take a closer look:

Holy crap, it’s dancing boobs… for a cause. Check out Jingle Jugs for Life to learn more about how a dancing set of boobs can raise breast cancer awareness. Oh, you can also learn how an audio clip that starts automatically and can’t be turned off is super friggin’ annoying. Either way, if you’re going to the game, be sure to check out a trailer full of these amazing technological wonders transformed into high-brow works of art.

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OK, so I know I’ve done plenty of shit talking about the Crowbar, the scene in general and well, the Crowbar. But when Riddle of Steel comes to town, well dammit, you just gotta suck it up and go. Thursday, September 13, 9 pm. Er, make that 11 pm

Also playing: Headcases, Palantine, Life of Pi, Military Junior.

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That’s right kids, it is time again for us to pimp an upcoming art opening and you to totally ignore it. Bastards. Blackout Creations is having another show, this time with all asian-inspired artwork by 20 artists. Put this on your calendar. No, seriously, stop reading and go put that shit on your calendar. I’ve had a great time at all of their openings, so come down and celebrate their 1-year anniversary. Oh, and there’s free booze, so even if you hate art, or Chris Parks, or everything, you can still get drunk on their dime.

Here’s a quick preview of some of the art:

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Valient Thorr is coming, and I swear to god if you miss the show I’m going to crush your damn nuts with my steel toed boot. Although, wait, if you’re a dude and you miss the show you probably don’t have nuts to begin with. Either way, don’t be a pussy, you need more Valient Thorr in your life. Write this shit down: Friday, August 10, 7 pm, the Garage.

First, let’s all agree on one thing: the Garage sucks. I mean, it could have been cool, but they managed to make it suck. I don’t know that I put all the blame on the owners, some of the problem definitely stems from the complete shit music scene here in the ‘burg. The total lack of venues, promotion and even the slightest form of effort has made it incredibly hard for a place like the Garage to even exist.

Now that we’ve covered that, somehow they’ve managed to score the Volcom Tour with Valient Thorr, Riverboat Gamblers, ASG, and Totimoshi. Of course, they scored it mostly because the State, which also sucks at their jobs, originally booked the tour and then somehow screwed that up. Good job swooping in for the sloppy seconds, fellas.

Either way, go. Valient Thorr will find a way to unsuckify the Garage if only for one night.

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So, Orlando isn’t exactly around the corner, but when a once in a lifetime opportunity comes strolling along it is high time your lazy ass made your way across the ol’ I-4. That’s right, friends, Lou Pearlman’s personal property is fixin’ to go up for auction on August 25 and by god, you won’t want to miss this.

You can peruse the 20 pages of shit-for-sale, but I figured I’d help you out by telling you which things you seriously can’t live without:

• Framed Pearlman Predators Jersey 36″x45″ Engraved “To Lou, Happy 50th, You’re the Man”
• C3PO Statue and Stand Used in the original Star Wars Movie, Head and hands missing
• Collectors Editions of Monopoly & Trivial Pursuit
• Oversized Drumsticks 36″ tall (set of 2)
• Numbered Salvaged Piece from the Titanic #48/600
• Cadillac Escalade Golf Cart & Charger

And hell, if these aren’t enough, you might want to just go ahead and drop the $7.9M on his house.

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Oh shit, The Palladium is pitting the most ferocious of funky instruments head to head in what is poised to become the battle of the century. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Battle of the B3s. Make with details, internets:

The Hammond B3 organ is the instrument of choice for blues musicians and jazz musicians both. The jazz musicians will tell you that it’s really a jazz instrument, but you won’t find many blues artist who agree with that assessment. At this concert we’ll put the best of both groups on stage and let them battle it out.

Don’t be a pussy, get your tickets now and take notes because you’ll undoubtedly be telling your kids about this. And if you don’t know anything about Hammond B3s you’re a toolbag. Shit, look how cool you can look playing one (gold rings optional):

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Don’t make plans for this coming Friday, July 27th. The St. Petersburg Museum of History hosts a Wine & Cheese Lecture Series and this coming Friday is “A Day in the Life of Susan Stanton.” Dude, you know you want to hear about her baggage (Haha, get it? Baggage!). Ahem. Anyway, yes, I’m not exactly sure how this is a lecture per se, but it should still be a fun evening.

Oh, and check this out. Who knew that Susan Ashley Stanton has a super-crazy-friggin’ comprehensive Wikipedia entry?

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If you’re like me, you’d enjoy nothing more than some leisurely window-shopping at the crack of dawn while you’re still in your pajamas. And really, when you think about it, there’s no better way to stimulate downtown’s economy. A Thursday morning. At dawn. In your jammies.

That’s why we at The Splog are so excited about tomorrow’s 34th Annual Sunrise Pajama Party, proudly sponsored by the imaginative folks over at the Downtown Business Association. And take note, kids: Since nobody has actually worn pajamas since 1983, this means you can safely arrive naked and be welcomed with open arms, as well as many other parts.

Information online is scant, but it’s clear that “participating” shops and businesses downtown will open on Thursday, July 19 at 6:43am. There’s no word on which businesses are actually participating, but hey — details. Just show up half-naked at dawn and walk around aimlessly. If you wander towards William’s Park you can have a little nap and feel right at home.

If that’s not enough to get you stoked, the Looper Trolley will be offering free rides during the event — supposedly taking passengers from “one amazing sale to the next exceptional bargain.” Unfortunately, the one place selling pants won’t be offering any discounts.

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Yes, I like Brandon Dunlap’s work. No, he isn’t paying us to promote his shit. Although, come on Brandon, get with it and send us a check.

Brandon’s work, as well as representatives of St.Petersblog, may or may not be at Cafe Alma on Saturday night for the opening reception of Turn & Run. The biznass kicks off at 9pm with $2 Newcastles (sweet Jesus I’m getting drunk) and art-a-plenty.

Before you head to Cafe Alma, check out ArtSpace located above Florida Craftsmen. Megan Voeller at Creative Loafing recently did a nice piece on the space. Drop by there, and perhaps Craftsmen, Arts Center and Studio@620 on your way. Seriously, despite what your parents may have told you, art won’t rot your brain.

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I do loves me some post-rock with a dash of the heavy and mathy. If you like Mogwai, Pelican (*cough* new drummer *cough*), Kinski, Mono, etc., you’ll want to be at this show. Oh, right, yes. The show in question: City of Ships and Red Room Cinema @ Crowbar. Tomorrow, 7/13.  9pm, $7, 18+. Full details are here. Let’s hope the Crowbar kids learned how to tell something that approximates time since the last show. We’re taking bets on whether the headliner starts before 2am.

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No, not re-create, recreate as in National Nude Recreation Week, July 9th - 15th. I’m not even kidding, check the American Association for Nude Recreation calendar. I love their marketing material:

A cool breeze plays in the air. The rays of the sun lend a caressing touch to your entire body. you’re experiencing total freedom - and the ultimate relaxation. And you’re dressed in the suit that fits you best; your own skin.

And good news, you won’t come up short of options to celebrate around here. Why not try out Caliente Clothing Optional Resorts in Land 0′ Lakes (that link goes straight to their photos page, we’ll save you the time searching for ridiculous photos of old nekkid people playing foosball, getting their nude caricature drawn or hanging out with parrots).

If you’re of the younger ilk, Gulf Coast Nudist Resort in Hudson is running a special! Tell us more, perverts:

Free first time grounds fees for college students with current ID.

Is it just me, or is that creepy? No matter, just get out there and get all hot and sweaty in your birthday suit hanging out with a bunch of people that really oughtn’t be naked in public.

And if you’re a young alterna-hottie or co-ed, we’re also running a special that involves optional clothing. Inquire within.

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Bump.
Man, Tampa really kicks our ass on the music scene and they are seriously chipping away at our art show cred as well. Damn you Tampa!!! Coming up this Saturday night is the opening of Abomination of Representation, a show by Brandon Dunlap and Red Labor at Redletter1 in Ybor. Brandon and Red Labor are both doing some really good work, should be a great show. I’ve also heard good things about Redletter1, so I’m excited to see the space as well.

If art isn’t quite your speed, the Wienermobile will be at the St. Pete Times Forum from 4 - 7 pm. Yes, that Wienermobile. You’ll still have to go to Tampa, but hey, you may win money and be famous for singing about a wiener - more here.

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Auto!Automatic!! is acting as backing band for Tampa-based Breakdown tomorrow night at the Crowbar. You should get off your lazy ass and go see some live music. This should be really cool, I’ve always preferred a live band backing a hip-hop act and here’s a chance to see some local folks doing it up proper.

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Actually, I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t make any unfair deductions of your intelligence or to the success of this particular petition to our elected officials. But hell, you’re reading this — so I’m at least one for two.

I kid because I love.

So today’s the Day of Silence being observed by most (but not all) of the internet’s free streaming radio stations. The back story is… well… Take it away, Wikipedia:

The United States Copyright Royalty Board approved a rate increase in the royalties payable to performers of recorded works broadcast on the internet. The rates include a minimum fee of $500 (U.S.) per year, per channel, with escalating fees for each song played… [and blah, blah, blah]

Basically, most webcasters will simply have to stop broadcasting. In response to this, the House of Reps introduced something called the Internet Radio Equality Act, which would nullify the rate hike and offer some fair and realistic alternatives.

We support this proposal and you should as well. If you’re with us, you should contact your Democratically Elected Officials to let them know. Unfortunately, if you’re like 90% of the public, you have no idea who represents you (be forewarned: ignorance is bliss, especially in this case). The Splog is here to help. Assuming you’re in Florida and that you’re in St. Petersburg, it’s easy to narrow down.

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Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Editor’s Note: topherchris has once again gone against the editorial objectives of The Splog by writing something positive about St. Petersburg. As punishment, he’s been assigned to watch Cocoon and write a lengthy review for the Gulfport Gabber.

The Big Lebowski, easily one of the greatest American motion pictures of all time, is making a very brief run at the Beach Theatre on Wednesday evening. Suck on that, Spider-Man in IMAX at Baywalk.

Since the Theatre has a liquor license, they’re able to offer White Russians — the only drink worthy of consumption during this masterpiece — for this special limited engagement. Ahhhh, you had me at “russian.”

It turns out that the Beach Theatre isn’t slacking over the summer. Back to the Future, ET, and Raiders of the Lost Ark are slated for free Saturday matinees, and this week you could take in everything from Dirty Dancing to Animal House.

If that’s not worth a drive out to “historic” Corey Avenue, then nothing is. Seriously. Nothing.

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