Let me start out by saying that State Media fucking sucks at promoting shows. Seriously, what the hell? I’m just now finding out about Slick Rick playing the State tomorrow and the shit isn’t even listed on their site? People, come on, try a little harder.

Fortunately, though, the great news that Rick the Ruler will be in the ‘burg almost makes me forget the suckitude. That’s right, Slick Motherfucking Rick, aka Ricky D, aka Rick the Ruler. Tickets are $20 ahead of time (although your guess is as good as mine where you buy them) and $25 at the door.

Splog Slick Rick Fun Facts:

• The eye patch is actually functional! He’s blind in that shit.
• He was recently pardoned of attempted murder charges that have been haunting him since 1990.
• Attempting to deport his ass (related to the 1990 charges), INS officials snagged him in the middle of a live performance on a Florida cruise ship.

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We’ve covered paranormality before, but that pales in comparison to the big ball of awesome that will be rolling into Clearwater July 19th and 20th. That’s right kids, TAPSCON 2008 is about to knock your damn socks off.

If you find yourself asking “what is TAPSCON?”, begin by kicking yourself right in the damn junk. Then, do it one more time and read the following:

At its core, TAPSCON is a multi purpose gathering of influencial people in the world of ghosts & hauntings. Its a learning experience packed with informative presentations, demos, displays, music, paranormal celebrities and much more. Its a place to kick back and have a great time. Its unlike any paranormal gathering of its kind.

Yeah, that’s right, it involves GHOSTS and KICKING BACK while LEARNING and CELEBRITIES gather. Or something. Seriously, miss this and you might as well slap your mom right across the face for having you.

Seeing Blue Öyster Cult is worth it alone… wait, hang on… uh, “Join us at TAPSCON and enjoy our inclusive concert series featuring Underbelly (the original Blue Oyester Cult) and more!” Wait, that isn’t BÖC. Hell, a really lazy Googlejaunt shows nothing about Underbelly except that TAPSCON may be referencing the original name of BÖC, which was Soft White Underbelly. So you’re telling me that it isn’t BÖC, but instead 3 dudes that were part of the extremely shortlived band that predated BÖC? You lying sacks of shit, unless they tell me not to fear the reaper with Buck Dharma’s smoking riffs humping my earholes you MAY NOT CALL THEM BÖC.

At least ‘N Sync is still locked in… wait, hang on… “Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of ‘N Sync has teamed up with TAPSCON in an effort to raise money for less fortunate kids who aspire to follow their musical wishes.” Motherfuckers. Also, what the hell? Chris Kirkpatrick is raising money for music lessons via paranormal gatherings? Um, ok, that’s really friggin’ peculiar, but carry on.

I know for a FACT that Robert the Doll is in, though. You know, Robert, that super creepy doll that has resided down in Key West for over 100 years. He is most well known for torturing kids, staring creepily out of an attic window and generally wreaking paranormal havoc of all sorts. You know, a lot like the other inhabitants of Clearwater: the Scientologists!

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Saturday, July 5th at New World, kiddies. Dead Maids (akin to Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Sonic Youth and Explosions in the Sky) are coming all the way from the UK, attachedhands may or may not have Summerbirds somewhere in it, Joon sucks (sorry guys) and Petrograd in Transit is a “heavily buzzed instrumental outfit” according to THX MGMT.

So remember, Pale Horse first, then off to the NWB for a rocking good time.

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Guess what you’re doing on Saturday, July 5th? That’s right, you’re drinking free beer courtesy of Pale Horse under the guise of an art show! No, wait, that’s what we’ll be doing. You’ll be going to see another great art show put on by these lovely folks and scoping out some kickass graffiti.

The Energy Show will be featuring over 30 international graffiti artists focusing on technical and colorful graffiti lettering styles from artists such as Waf (Belgium), Cern (New York), Center (Florida) and Akut (Germany).

Saturday night is the opening reception which runs from 8:00 - 11:00 pm at Pale Horse (Corner of Central and MLK more or less). There is no cover, all ages are welcome and free drinks with proper ID. Also free is the opportunity to be seen with some of the hippest of the hip and the opportunity to say shit during future conversations with your friends about how Waf and Cern are some of your favorite street artists. Seriously, that shit will go a long way.

Oh, and while you’re there be sure to buy some shit. Hell, the badass skulltastic FL shirt at left is only $5. It will lend lots of cred to your Waf/Cern discussion if you throw in “I bought this shirt at a dope downtown art gallery that you probably wouldn’t know about, it is pretty exclusive.” Dude, you’re going to get chicks with that shit, I guarantee it.

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I should clarify that I do not wish for you, if you possess a pair of balls, to rock them off. I am speaking figuratively. As such, women are more than invited to rock their balls off as well, this is an all inclusive ball rocking offage.

Wednesday, June 25 @ The Orpheum
El Ten Eleven and Petrograd in Transit
El Ten Eleven proves once again that instruments with MORE THAN ONE NECK will rock MORE THAN ONE BALL off.

Thursday, June 26 @ Crowbar
Maserati, Summerbirds In The Cellar, Red Room Cinema & Clock Hands Strangle
This should be a good one, if nothing else you can be absolutely MOFUGGIN’ certain that Summerbirds will hand you your balls. Twice.

Saturday, June 28 @ The Orpheum
MeWithoutYou, Maps And Atlases and Gasoline Heart
Not so much a fan of the MWY, but Maps and Atlases is definitely worth checking out.

Thursday, July 3 @ The Social (yes, you’ll have to drive to Orlando)
Boris
Thank your lucky balls that Boris is coming to Florida, and then kiss those fuzzy bastards goodbye.

With Dethklok and others on the horizon this is going to be one hell of a summer.

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Looking for something to do tonight?  Look no further than Summer Jam 4.  “What’s that?”, you say.  It’s a dual-venue smogasbord of bands, DJs, and girls with goggles on their heads.  Five out of five Swedish chefs agree: It’s teh awesome.  Check the poster for details:

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I’ve been posting like a complete lazy ass lately, so I will now make up for that with a long post full of all kinds of shit. Shit like lists of links. Lists of links means I am not lazy.

Pale Horse Design (fka Blackout Creations) is kicking off a new wave of shows with The Second Coming, a Four Horseman inspired show featuring 30+ artists. That Chris Parks sure is a clever one, pale horse was the fourth of the horsemen. Wait, either he’s clever or he’s into “horseplay.” Eww.

The opening reception is Saturday, March 15th from 8:00 - 11:00 pm. Pale Horse sits right where Blackout was at Central and MLK (follow the loud music and tattooed hipsters). Get there early because the drinks are free, but they usually go pretty fast. If you miss the reception you can still stop by and check the art out until March 29th - be sure to harass Chris while you’re there.

The show promises to be another great reason to actually go downtown on a Saturday night. If you’re bored and you want to check out all the artists that will be showing, be my guest! They are as follows:

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I know I mentioned the art show at Nova535, but I’m going to have to go back on my word. If you want class, society, culture, etc. feel free to go ahead and hit up the show. If you want horror, gore, exploitation, and “the most shocking film ever made,” join me at the Gasparilla Film Festival at Channelside for a screening of Blood Feast presented by director Herschell Gordon Lewis and producer David F. Friedman.

You’re going to have to drop $15 to get in, but trust me, it’ll be worth every penny. This has long been considered one of the first splatter films, and is a must see for kids of all ages - bring the little ones! Buy your tickets now, guys and ghouls.

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Technically it kicks off Thursday if you’re into seeing the Candy Bars cover Cat Power’s Moon Pix album. Personally that just confuses the shit out of me, considering Cat Power actually did a cover record and now someone else is covering a 10 year old original Cat Power record. Either way, fun should be had by all! Thursday, February 28th, 8 pm, Push Ultra Lounge, get ur tickets.

As you long time readers already know, the Splog is sponsored by both Red Bull (gives you wings®) and local band Auto!Automatic!! As part of the latter deal we agree to promote every A!A!! show, and as such we are pleased to announce that this Friday, February 29th you can catch the boys along with Red Room Cinema and City of Ships kicking off at 9 pm (converted to aes time that’s 11 pm) at the Crowbar. Bring $7, or a hot chick to sweet talk the doorfolk.

But wait, there’s more! Saturday night, March 1, at the newly opened Nova535 you can check out some dope art for Free.99 (get there before 9 to get in free, after 9 it is $10). All of the work is female portraiture and I’m particularly looking forward to seeing Eric Jones (mmm, nekkid chicks), Andrea Heimer (mmm, 50’s and 60’s chicks), and Daniel P. Williams (mmm, slow loading website chicks).

It is pretty awesome to sit back and realize that 2 of those 3 are taking place in the ‘burg. Thanks Joel. Thanks whoever owns Nova. Thanks loyal readers of the Splog. This adds at least 3 days until the authors of this blog get that long overdue DUI.

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That’s right; Early Day Miners are back in town for a show. That can only mean one thing - that you need to get your ass down to New World Brewery this Friday to have the aforementioned ass get rocked. I mean, you know, rocked kind of gently and without vocals for the most part, but rocked nonetheless. But wait; there’s more. The show also includes a ton of local awesome from Petrograd in Transit, When Tides Collide and, wait for it, Wade Tatangelo’s favorite band, Zillionaire. Zillionaire’s new record just got a 6.8 in Pitchfork. Not bad for a bunch of Tampions, not bad indeed. Details. Check them.

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Good news on the music front for the ol’ St. Pete with Push Ultra Lounge, which is being booked on Thursday nights by Thx Mgmt (aka REAX publisher Joel Cook). Sure their MySpace will make you run in the opposite direction and you wouldn’t necessarily want to accidentally show up at “Saturday Night Vibe with DJ Scooter,” but Thursday nights are looking pretty kickass in the coming months. The Beauvilles are playing February 14 with Summerbirds in the Cellar following them up on February 21. March 6 you can catch Velveteen Pink and Giddy-Up, Helicopter. Dude, the doctor called, he said you need more live music on Thursdays - get to it!

Here’s the inevitable pessimistic part of the post: please, please, please don’t fuck this up St. Pete. Push is not a small space and all I can see in my head is a really good band showing up and playing for 14 people in a place that should hold 300. I don’t like the Garage, but it comes to mind as a place that could have been a contender for live music but remains maddeningly devoid of rockshow fans. Don’t make this another Garage. This is our chance to actually make St. Pete a place where bands might actually play shows, imagine that shit. And just think, we could all use a few less trips over the bridge with one tied on.

Interesting incestuous side note: tickets for Thx Push shows are sold through Merchline, who also sells our shirts, and may or may not be run by a member of Auto!Automatic!!. Man, the Bay area music/culture/art scene is crazy inbred. Not interesting personal side note: Joel, much love and respect, but you might want to lay off the 100% magenta/45 degree angle thing… I think that even looks old in Florida these days.

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Got a $5 bill burning a hole in your pocket? Want to stay up really late on a Thursday night? Good news! You can take that $5 and turn it into a night of the rawk with Auto!Automatic!!, Capillary Action and Insect Joy at the New World Brewery, this very night!

I’m digging Capillary Action quite a bit, these cats hail from Philly and describe themselves as “everything from melodic death metal rave-ups, fractured no wave-inspired crescendos, Latin rhythms, video game music, lazy alt-country pop, lounge jazz, new wave synths, and mathy melodies.” Should be interesting at the very least. And as has been very clear to date, we here at the Splog are fans of hometown heroes A!A!!, so you really can’t go wrong with that.

Just don’t blame me that Insect Joy is basically unlistenable.

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If you don’t want to drive to Tampa tomorrow night, consider hitting up the Highly Recommended: Emerging Artist Invitational at Florida Craftsmen. The show sounds awesome, featuring works by new artists with no prior solo exhibition experience. The opening reception is Friday from 6-9 p.m.

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Time for some culture, kids. Seriously, the internet is rotting your brain, you need to get out from time to time. The cats at RedLetter1 are kicking off Out of Print, a collection of sold out screenprints by Jeremy Fish, this Friday, January 18 at 8 pm. You’ve got lots of options for checking out Jeremy’s work: here, here and here if you wanna buy some shizzle. So check the shit out virtually, and then see what it is like to interact with real human beings (perhaps a bit trendy and hipster, but overall nice enough folks).

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Just a friendly reminder that you’ve got lots of opportunities to relive the childhood you never had with the splendors and magic of the holiday season right here in the Spurg. Of course, if you’re lazy you could just take in Honky the Christmas Goose to get in the spirit, but you have to leave your house at some point. Why, this weekend alone you can enjoy any of the following christmasfuckingspirit-inducing activities:

Look at some friggin’ lights
Walk down Central and it will totally be a scene out of It’s a Wonderful Life. “Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!”

Buy some shit
Visit Artspace (above Craftsman Gallery) from 5:30 - 9 pm Saturday and buy some $5 artist-made ornaments with proceeds benefiting The Hospice of the Florida Suncoast.

Laugh at singing schmucks
From 5:30 - 7 pm Saturday spend your night laughing and pointing at a bunch of sissies singing holiday classics at North Straub Park.

Hate on rich people
Head to the Pier from 6:30 - 8:30 pm Saturday for the lighted boat parade. Spend the rest of the evening convincing yourself those people are in no way better than you. Bunch of rich snobs.

End your night with some dope music
8 pm at the Pier, time to get drunk and listen to a bunch of tubas playing Christmas music. Come on, you know you want to.Oh, and Creative Loafing put together a super extensive list of holidaytastic stuff, so check that shit.

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