Not to beat a dead flag into the ground, but all this recent talk about the hugh jass confederate flag really did get me thinking about the south rising again, and just how smelly and decayed it would be; well, and then there would be its inexplicable desire for BRAAAIIIIINNNNNSSS.  Thankfully, Troma produced this delightful educational film on How to Survive a Zombie Confederate Uprising.  Whew.

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Word up, St. Pete has once again been thrust into the national spotlight because of some weird shit that makes people go “St. Pete, hmm, isn’t that the place where only WEIRD SHIT happens?” Yeah, St. Pete: the capital of where weird shit happens. Oh, and also apparently now the capital of world champion ugly ass dogs.

In a gallery of faces only a pet owner could love, Gus — a one-eyed, three-legged Chinese Crested from St. Petersburg, Fla. — has won the annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair.

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We here at the Splog have remained quiet until now, but the time has come to announce our full-fledged support of offshore oil drilling here in Florida.

Huffington Post:

Gov. Charlie Crist has dropped his long-standing support for the federal government’s ban on offshore oil drilling and endorsed Republican presidential nominee-in-waiting John McCain’s proposal to let states decide. The governor said he reversed his position because of rising fuel prices and states’ rights. Crist is considered a possible running mate for the Arizona senator.

We were against drilling before, too, but now that the VP candidate spot is open on McCain’s ticket we thought it might be a good idea to start sucking his dick. Slurp, slurp Charlie Crist!

Couple of things that we are choosing to ignore so that we can support drilling and remain on McCain’s shortlist:

1. The potential for pollution to our beaches (the only reason people actually come to the godforsaken state of Florida)
2. It would take years (some say as many as 10) to produce energy from new drilling sites
3. Producing more oil would have 0 impact on prices, the oil would simply go to companies who are not required by the government to keep costs in check - more oil, more profits

Hmm. This might be harder to ignore than we thought, but dammit we’ll try. Let’s close with an inspirational quote from our new best friend Charlie “Bleeding Heart” Crist:

“I mean, let’s face it, the price of gas has gone through the roof, and Florida families are suffering,” Crist said Tuesday. “And my heart bleeds for them.”

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In case you didn’t know, tbo.com has this odd repository of stats pulled from its own archive called the “Data Bay.”  This already pleases me.  Why?  Beause it makes it sound like it’s from fucking Star Trek, that’s why.  Sure, all you remember is Sick Bay.  All mentions of Data Bay got edited out.  Whatever.  Apparently, not even hot chicks in standard-issue space miniskirts can make data entry interesting.  I, on the other hand, find it fascinating.  A hot chick in a space miniskirt can come over to my house and normalize my tables any time.  Rawr.

Wait, where was I?  Oh, right, the Data Bay.  Wait, not yet.  Before I forget, and while we’re still relatively close to the topic of Star Trek, I’d like to take this moment to congratulate George Takei on his recent legal marriage to his partner of twenty years, Brad Altman.  Sulu, FTW!

Right, so Data Bay is this awesome land where Tbo gives a statistical overview of the whole gamut of sensationalist awesome we tend to find in the MainStreamMedia these days.  Look, people, those ads aren’t going to click themselves you know.  School bus incidents, homicides, motorcycle accidents, objectionable license plates - they’re all represented in the data bay.  You know, it’s valuable stuff.  You never know how much real-life relevance SHIT THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS EVER has for most of us.

Ahem.  This most recent Data Bay installment covers Florida animal attacks over the past 35 years.  No shit.  The somewhat odd part is that it appears to be derived only from a thorough search of the paper’s own archive.  Now, normally, I’d imagine that this would lead to the impression that a lot of attacks would be underrepresented in their stats.  Probably not, though, since this is the sort of shit that the MSM dispatches teams of wild-eyed reporters to cover all the time.  Seriously, there’s a shark attack listed in there that came from a high school performance of West Side Story.

If anything, then, this has got to be, ironically, one of the most thorough databases of Florida animal attacks.  You can even search by species!  Wait, how the fuck do you get attacked by a sturgeon?  Beats me, but it’s happened three times in 35 years.  Sadly, we’ve still only got that one pelican attack on the books.  Time to step it up, pelicans.

I guess for me, the thing that makes this unintentionally interesting is that it almost functions as Tbo’s conscience.  I mean, you can actually look at these stats and it will temper the sensationalism of the reporting.  Look at things longitudinally, and you realize that yes, the fact that you’re pretty sure that there’s a shark, cobra, and a lead-based Chinese toy out there with your name on it is only an illusion generated by the over-reporting of the anomalous.  Whoa.  Deep.

Lastly, do I even really need to say anything about that tragedy of a banner graphic?  I didn’t think so.  Seriously, I think they’re breaking child labor laws in their graphics department over there.

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Keeping in line with today’s theme of Ur Doing it Wrong, I thought I’d mention the awesome predicament of one Hiram Melvin, a convicted felon, who was arrested for having in his possession, among other things, a long, cylindrical thingy bearing an unfortunate resemblance to a rocket launcher. Wait, can you be an unconvicted felon? I mean, you can be accused of a felony, but not yet convicted, so really you’re not a felon yet. Fuck if I know. I digress.

Anyway, our boy Hiram, whose name lets you know he’s passed that certain threshold of redneck where the Old Testament becomes your version of babynames.com, has in fact been charged with possession of a hoax weapon of mass destruction. No, seriously, it’s an actual charge. Let this be a lesson to all you military style live action role playing types, that lovingly-crafted replica of the plasma sword from Halo might just land you in a very not replica version of a PMITA prison. Remember, this is ‘Merica, we start wars over imaginary weapons of mass destruction. At least they got Hiram. Mission accomplished!

You know what else is a serious bag of win? Hiram’s shirt. That shit says “Chip.” Hiram is singlehandedly bringing back the grunge-era ironic gas station attendant shirt. Thanks for the Singles lulz, man.

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Seriously, ur doing it wrong.

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I’m not sure if this has been clear to date, but I really really really hate Charlie Crist. The most recent awesome gubernatorial move by the king of douches is the passing of bill HB 5083, a.k.a. the Fuck Florida’s Teachers bill. Here are some of the details:

1. Elimination of 10 percent bonus for certified teachers who mentor other educators
2. Elimination of assistance for $2,500 certification application fee

You might be thinking “but wait, isn’t Florida regularly ranked at the bottom of the shitheap for our quality of our schools?!” Why yes, yes we are. You might also be thinking “couldn’t we improve that standing by encouraging our teachers to mentor each other, and to assist them with National Board Certification?!” Why yes, yes we could.

The National Board for Professional Teaching Standards improves teaching and student learning. National Board Certified Teachers are highly accomplished educators who meet high and rigorous standards.

The good news is that now the only teachers capable of becoming certified will be the ones with $2,500 to blow on the application fee. Let’s be clear, though, we also cut funding (and raises) to teachers, so those whiners better not expect to be able to recoup that $2,500 through their paycheck.

Here’s what really bothers me about Crist, though, he’s a fucking shyster. He went on to call the cuts “disappointing” and said that he really didn’t want to sign the bill, but it had other good things in it and his hands were tied. He also told Secretary of State Kurt Browning that he looks forward to working with lawmakers next year to “reinstate these components” that HB 5083 cut. Uh, what? Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You signed the cuts and then immediately said “but I’ll be fighting to bring them back”?! You’re an idiot.

If you are bored and feel like reading all 16 pages of HB 5083, you can do so here.

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7-1 vote to move forward with the process, with the lone holdout being old school badass Herb Polson. Didn’t Herb cheat to get into that position? I think I remember him claiming he was an incumbent despite the fact that he totally wasn’t.

Mark your calendars, the next yes vote is July 17.

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It is a sad day for the publicly naked ol’ wrinkly people of Florida. It looks like the American Association for Nude Recreation has suspended Caliente Resorts from their official listing of approved “nakation” areas. Caliente appears to be breaking a cardinal rule of AANR by taking part in swinger diddling parties, a serious no no since it blemishes the good name of nude outdoor recreationists spread across this great land.

Caliente hosts monthly parties put on by a group called Aahz, which on its Web site describes its parties as “lifestyle oriented,” a phrase often associated with swingers. A Web site featuring the swingers’ lifestyle also highlights Caliente. And Fox will be a featured speaker at the upcoming Swingfest, the “world’s largest swingers party and adult expo,” held in Hollywood, Fla.

Swingfest looks like a rocking good time, by the way. Who wants to rent a bus with me and hit that shit hard? I love that the Swingfest and Caliente sites shows plenty of attractive young people in their birthday suits when the reality is that 95% of folks that rock the nudism definitely should not be. Um, yeah, I think I’ll pass on the grandma with the leather skin, thanks.

Speaking of AANR, their NSFW family values page definitely creeps me out the most. It is one thing if you’re a creepy old baggy adult and want to get nekkid and play volleyball. It is entirely something else when you force your kids into that environment. Eww.

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That’s right, despite the fact that we’ve been pretty quiet over here regarding the stadium of late it is time to once again point out the bum deal the new stadium developers (and the Rays) are trying to hand us. And just in time for today’s City Council vote!

Howard Troxler (swoon) has an excellent piece on the bait and switch it appears the people of St. Petersburg are being handed with regards to the deal originally proposed in November and the deal as it looks now:

Here was the deal when it first became public late last year:

(1) No new taxes.
(2) The public’s share will come from selling and redeveloping Tropicana Field.

Here is the deal today:

(1) The taxpayers have to extend well into the future the annual payments they’re making now.
(2) There’s no connection, and no guarantee, between what happens at Tropicana Field and paying for the new stadium.

Interesting, I’ve heard of this sort of thing happening before… hmm, what was it last time? Hmmm…. ah yes, Tropicana Field!

I am going to go out on a limb and say that today’s vote will result in the measure passing to a second vote. Bakernuts “will remain conspicuously undecided” according to a fluffy piece on the vote today, but really the dude has already been clear as glass shit which side of the fence he falls on.

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This just in from the “Seriously, get over it already” department, The Sons of Confederate Veterans have successfully raised an absurdly hugh jass confederate flag near I-75 at US 92. It took four people twenty minutes to raise the thing, which, thankfully, answers the burning question, “How many rednecks does it take raise a 30 x 50 hate quilt over a freeway?” Don’t forget, too, that this is actually part of a larger memorial to the fallen confederate whatevers.

I’m not sure what to say about this. Well, ok, I’m sure that I want to say this: Fuck you, you stupid rednecks. Beyond that, though, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not going to deny them their right under the first amendment to make complete asses of themselves. That would be entirely hypocritical of me. I’ve built an entire empire on that right. It’s not the sort of thing I have to be happy about, though. I don’t want some Jesus-riffing douchebag who refers to himself as “commander” telling me I refuse to accept the truth about the inherent joys of the happy agrarian wonderland of his forefathers.

What’s most annoying when this kind of shit happens is that these assclowns know exactly what they’re doing, and they know exactly why it’s offensive. Ask them about that, though, and they’ll just say “it’s the truth; it’s history; you can’t deny the facts.” What the fuck does that even mean, and why do they keep trying to tell me it’s not about race?

Look, they say, it’s so not about race. We’re even building a separate memorial for the black confederate soldiers who died. Some of those dudes were our best friends! Which is why we’re putting them off by themselves, you know, in a special place, well away from the white soldiers. Totally, I mean, we’ll totally get on that thing when we’re done with this other one, you know, for the white soldiers. It’s in the article. It’s a tiny piece of BS, but it says a lot.

Nothing to do with race. Nope.

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I can’t believe it took me this long to get to this.  I mean, normally I’d be the first one to jump on a story involving hapless jurors being compelled to watch people vomit on each other - in a really sexy way, mind you - as a part of their civic duty.  I mean, it’s not every day that I get to feel that special kind of cognitive dissonance that comes from seeing some variation of the phrase “watch porn” show up multiple times in the Times‘ news feed.

So, yes, in case you missed it, Paul F. Little (aka, Max Hardcore) is in the midst of an obscenity trial for, among other things, serving out some nasty pr0n from a server in Tampa.  See, the law’s a little more lax when it comes to merely possessing things of an obscene nature.  It’s stricter when it comes to all this trafficking nonsense.  

Why in Tampa, you ask?  Like I said, that’s where some of his servers were for a time, and they were, you know, delivering content.  Yeah, I know, it’s one of those moments where the legal system’s usually nimble vocabulary hasn’t caught up with technology.  A server in Tampa means you’re operating in Tampa.  Whatever.  What if the server is just hosting a page that redirects you to Arizona?  Technicalities.    

None of that matters.  The freaking awesome part of this trial is that the jurors are being forced to watch hours of the kind of stuff that most “normal” consumers of teh pr0nz0rz accidentally stumble upon and spend years trying to forget.  It’s what eye bleach and unicorn chasers were invented for.

So, these poor people, jurors, in Florida no less, which means that they’re probably civic duty upholding, more or less god-loving, non-jaywalking folk, are being compelled to watch a whole crapload of porn that may or may not include actual crap.  These people are going to be scarred for life.  For serious.

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This story is a few days old because I was trying to decide whether or not to post it. You see, the story itself is about all the great green initiatives Mayor Faker has unveiled as part of his plan to greenify St. Petersburg. You might recall that St. Pete was actually named the first “Green City” in FL, although there still aren’t any other green cities which leads me to believe the designation is bullshit to begin with. Anywho, the writer went ahead and addressed the recycling issue and I agree, but I didn’t want to piss all over the good things that are coming to the ‘burg just because I have a personal vendetta.

Of course, then I read the following line:

Baker is still so dead set against implementing such a program, he ordered his staff to lobby against a countywide recycling effort being discussed by the Pinellas County Commission.

You have to be fucking kidding me. We know that he doesn’t want recycling, we know that his pawns are responding to people like us saying how bad recycling is for the environment, but now he is lobbying against the possibility of the county picking our shit up? This is a new low, even for the tent slasher himself.

You see, the city makes good money burning your recyclables. If the county were to step in and pick those items up it would result in less money, and less money means the city can’t spend dollars on important initiatives like the new stadium. That’s bad.

This is seriously sickening to me, I can’t believe this asshole and his dirtbag cronies are going to take the step from just opposing recycling to actually preventing it from happening. Thanks Rick! When do we get to elect a new douchebag to run the city?

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From the first, sizzling installment of “Nude maid cleans Cheval house, including the jewelry”:

The woman arrived at the Cheval home in a one-piece light colored dress. She took off the one-piece light colored dress. She cleaned the house per their $100-per-hour agreement. Four bedrooms, three baths.

She redressed and left.

So hot. Seriously, she cleaned the jewelry. Wait, what? She stole the jewelry? Oh, well, hrmph. I mean, the headline says she cleaned the house, including the jewelry. Oh, I get it. The house was cleaned out! Yes! That would have been a good one, except that it wasn’t. Besides, at least she apologized before she left. Wait, she didn’t? Oh, you meant that other, incorrect usage of redress. Sure, yeah, I get it; she put her dress back on. Hey, is this erotica or not? You’re doing it wrong.

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File this under useful information learned from a dumb criminal: attempting to hold up a liquor store with a can of beans in a sock is not a good idea unless your aim is to get killed. Looks like a clerk who took a beancan to the skull got pissed and shot the 19 year old would-be robber. Unfortunately getting beaned in the head is far less painful and permanent than a few shots from the boomstick.

The rad news is that they found 3 shell casings, but aren’t saying how many shots were fired. If you were curious about places to avoid robbing, add C&K Beverage to the list. It will be interesting to see if the clerk is charged with manslaughter, a minimum of 3 gunshots seems like an awfully deadly response for a bean-induced headache.

In other news on our side of the bay, a dude who entered a pawn shop and started smashing cases also earned his very own gunshot wound. This should be something you already know, but let’s cover it again: people that work at pawn shops are perpetually awaiting the opportunity to shoot someone, it is a desire those people are just born with.

The highlight of the Kenneth City shooting is the last line:

Investigators are assuming that the man was hit because of a blood trail left in the store. A search for the man is still in progress.

I just imagine a whole bunch of cops with magnifying glasses and hounds hunched over and following a trail of blood for hours on end. Run, dude, run!

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