That’s it, we quit.

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St. Petersburg’s latest burglary victim: the mayor

The city’s rising tide of burglaries has claimed a new and prominent victim: Mayor Rick Baker. The mayor interrupted the burglars himself, according to St. Petersburg police, when he returned to his home on 25th Avenue N about 12:20 p.m. Thursday.

Nice. I bet being tough on crime is suddenly on that dude’s radar now that it is too late. Can we get a few more cops, please? As the story points out, property crimes rose 10 percent in the first half of 2009 compared to the first half of 2008. The ‘burg is turnin’ ghetto!

According to our boy Scott Wagman the ratio of police to peeps in Tampa is 3 police officers for every 1,000 citizens while St. Pete is rockin’ a low 2.14. With the national average being 2.54 we’re sort of sucking on this front.

There are a million critical issues for our next mayor, but there’s no question crime is going to be sitting damn close to the top.

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Wow, it looks like our boy Scott Wagman is better at getting press than we previously thought. This from today’s Wall Street Journal:

For State, Local Office Seekers, Web Ads Present Potential Pitfalls

Looks like that pesky disclaimer that all political ads are required to display was missing from ads the Wagman campaign placed on Google and Facebook and the Florida Elections Commission was none too happy about it.

I’m pretty impressed that the WSJ is saying “the Florida dispute is likely to set a precedent for how state and local politicians advertise on the Web.” If nothing else I’m just happy our boy Scott has put us on the map without a python having to kill a baby.

Wagman’s team is trying to insinuate that the ads aren’t actually ads, but instead links to ads and the ads (which are not ads, but links) that link to ads actually link to ads that contain the appropriate disclaimer. Yeah, I’m confused too. They get points for creativity, but it is pretty clear that they violated state law.

At this point it looks like they can either plead no contest and pay a small fee, or fight and end up with a much larger financial penalty. Based on Wagman’s spending so far I don’t think either of these is anything that will have a significant impact on his campaign. The interesting thing to me is that you can’t put the genie back in the bottle, the vast majority of people that saw the ads won’t see this story which means in the end he wins.

Tip of the hat to Peter Wahlberg for alerting us to the story.

UPDATE: Check out a story from the other Saint Petersblog that was posted in the comments to see the ads in question.

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And the first order of business is hiring Alex Pickett back. And then firing him again. Right before Christmas.

The final chapter is closing in on the 10-month soap opera that is the Creative Loafing bankruptcy case. Today, Tampa bankruptcy court Judge Caryl E. Delano tentatively approved the bidding procedures of the upcoming new equity auction on August 25. Based on the winner of that auction, Creative Loafing will emerge from bankruptcy with or without new owners.

I’m pretty sure we’ll buy it, just a matter of checking on some Swiss bank accounts and calling in that IOU from Steve Jobs. I swear, that guy, you’d think he’d be better at managing his money.

Read all about it on Alex’s blog.

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Man, have we been gone long enough that Alex Pickett has resorted to just calling everyone Nazis now? I guess so. Well, he’s reporting for food and I suppose that’s the best way to get readers. NAZI NAZI NAZI! That oughta bump our stats a bit.

That’s actually a really funny story and is a pretty good indication why form letters are not the best idea in the world. The thing that has me scratching my head, though, is why a form letter would say “I am delighted to share this (insert item here) with the people of Florida.” So, like, if I send him a giant dildo will I get a similar form letter?

I am delighted to share this purple-headed love warrior with the people of Florida.

Now that’s something I would frame. Maybe some day Charlie “Goebbels” Crist’s staff will get compruders with internets and goobles so they can avoid such embarrassment.

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A child drug dealer narrowly avoided capture while trying to smuggle drugs via a bag of Skittles at the Tampa Airport yesterday. The clever criminal ate the Skittles while in the car on the way home with gramps and grams and faked lethargy to avoid being busted.

After being rushed to the hospital the 4 year old was all “oh shit, what the fuck is this shit, I thought this shit was Skittles, I’ve never seen drugs in my life, I’m a fucking baby, this is some fucked up shit right here.”

The real story is far less interesting than my version, but feel free to read it here. Seriously, though, this is some really scary shit, I hope the kid found the bag as opposed to someone actually giving it to her. My guess is that some dumbass was trying to get their stash of oxycontin on vacation with them and left that shit just lying around. I’ve got to fault the grandparents a bit here, though, who apparently didn’t notice either the kid obtaining the candy nor eating enough of it in the car to have a reaction.

There’s a lesson here, kids: don’t do drugs. And don’t eat random Skittles you find at the airport.

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The clowns over at This Just In have a knack for poor writing. Now, granted, when you’re trying to break news in the breaking news utopia of Florida it is kind of hard to pay attention to the basics of writing. But, I digress. Today these folks have written what may very well be the perfect headline for this story:

Trucks loaded with beer stolen; thieves remain missing, possibly drunk

Everything you could possibly need to know about the story right there for you to lazily take in. However, it also leaves just enough to the imagination that you are compelled to check out the details. Although that compulsion is probably more from being conditioned by Florida news to know that there is more gold to be found.

Deputies found the trucks’ cabs abandoned in a vacant lot in the 300 block of W Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard around 5 p.m. The trailers and the likely tipsy thieves are still missing.

Damn, these aren’t your standard thugs we’re talking about - these are thugs with a third and perhaps fourth cab that they used to transport the trailers. I’m impressed, fellas. Of course now there is the trick of moving $70,000 worth of beer without drawing too much attention.

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I swear the Lord himself is throwing us all kinds of shit to post because he was bummed he couldn’t get his laugh on while we were away. File this one under HOLY FUCKING SHIT…

ST. PETE BEACH — Emergency personnel are investigating a report of a shark attack in the waters behind a home off Boca Ciega Drive Wednesday afternoon.

Dude, what? A shark rolled up into someone’s backyard and bit their ass? What is this town coming to?

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That’s right kids, the swine flu has hit the ‘burg. Cue hysteria and panic in the streets.

“A child attending A Ginny’s Little Giants day care facility in north St. Petersburg has contracted swine flu, according to Bay News 9.”

That is an actual photo of how the kid contracted it. Seriously. The little dude was making out with a sick pig. Wait, sorry. I must admit I didn’t actually read the story so I drew my own conclusions and searched for a photo that made the most sense. But I bet I’m pretty close to the truth.

There aren’t a lot of details just yet, but the underlying message is clear: RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!1!!!1!

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Yeah, that’s right, we aren’t dead. We were so proud of our own Sean Roberts (a.k.a. “Crazy Cracker”) that we came out of retirement for this one. Lesson for all you folks out there fretting over exactly what to get permanently etched into your face: a tattoo of Florida is a swell idea, just remember to cover it up during that next home invasion robbery.

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I posted too soon and missed the bucket of win that is stpeterecovery.org. Way to rock it transparent stylee, Ricky! I’m guessing they did this shit in a hurry, and here’s why:

Oops, <br> tags in the title.

Oops, I think we’re missing a header image and shit is getting overlapped and whatnots. They do actually have some content, though, check it out. Oh wait, they just copied that from the actual bill.

Seriously, though, I’m glad the Mayor and his peeps are going after the free Obama paper. Keep an eye on that site to make sure they spend it correctly. You know, like NOT on people doing “night water patrols” to ticket your ass for using water. I mean, I care about the earth, I really do (I water from a rain barrel, go ahead and call me a hippy) but I imagine a few more cops on “people not getting killed” patrols would be a better use of resources.

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Last year a little dude in Stuart, FL got arrested for the most natural of bodily functions. The world laughed, Florida collectively groaned in embarrassment and that was that. Well, you’d think so anyway.

LAKELAND, Fla. (AP) — A Lakeland eighth-grader has been suspended from riding the school bus for three days after being accused of passing gas.

Really?! I mean, really?! The thing that troubles me the most is that the Times didn’t write this up themselves, they picked it up from the AP. Yeah, it is on the wire.

So, once again, you can Google for ‘lakeland fart’ or some variation and see all the papers all over that have picked it up. Sigh.

Image courtesy my all time favorite internets website

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Wait, I think I’m saying that wrong. Our boy Charlie Crist and his team of AWESOME has launched a new site for the Florida Office of Economic Recovery at flarecovery.com. I bet you read it as flare covery too, eh? So why didn’t they go with flrecovery.com instead you ask? Well, because that, and every other damn domain name is already owned, of course!

It looks like the toolbags over at the Florida Retail Federation (FRF) purchased flrecovery.com on January 15 of this year, probably to sell us some shit with it. The FRF owns their own domain at frf.org, but that simply forwards to floridabankcardsolutions.com which might make your eyes bleed.

Sorry, got off topic there. The first, and most important thing to cover about this site is the following: Charlie Crist can take some seriously unfortunate photos. Even tiny inset Charlie thinks he looks ridiculous waving like a Prom Queen. Check it:

Now, the second most important thing is the following: THANK YOU BARACK O-GODDAMN-BAMA!!! Seriously, this man has done so much good for web design. I mean, sure, he’s cool otherwise with the President thing and whatnot, but it is so refreshing to start seeing government websites not be unusable pieces of shit and I attribute that largely to he and his team.

Third: Check out the awesome photos of a meeting. So good.

Seriously, though, keep an eye on this. Education is second on the list, which I’m hoping means that is where it falls in priority order. To me that is the single most critical area not only to prevent cuts, but to invest through teacher raises and serious infrastructure work. As the incomparable Whitney Houston so wisely said:

I believe the children are our are future, teach them well and let them lead the way.

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This is straight jacked from the AP and tcpalm.com, thanks Nate. I LOVE FLORIDA!!!

A Florida woman called 911 three times after she paid for a 10-piece Chicken McNuggets at a McDonald’s but the fast-food restaurant ran out of them and refused to give her a refund.

Latreasa L. Goodman, 27, made the calls after she tried to get her money back from a Fort Pierce McDonald’s and the cashier told her all sales were final. Police released the 911 tapes.

“This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one,” police quoted her as saying. “This is an emergency.”

The cashier suggested she choose something else off the menu of equal value to the McNuggets, and offered the restaurant’s cheeseburger called the McDouble.

“She’s trying to force me to eat something off the menu and I don’t want it,” Goodman told 911.

The first dispatcher, a woman, asks if there’s a manager there, but listens to Goodman’s complaints and says she’s sending someone.

The second, male dispatcher tells her he’s aware of the incident and “we’ve got an officer coming out there to talk to you.”

Police say Goodman was cited on a misuse of 911 charge. A current phone listing for Goodman couldn’t be found.

A McDonald’s spokesman said Goodman should have been given a refund, and she’s being sent a gift card for a free meal.

First 911 call
Second 911 call
Third 911 call

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Er, wait, Bottom 5… my bad. Men’s Health, the leading authority in everything, has named St. Pete the 5th worst city at recycling in the US (95th out of 100, w00t!) Le sigh. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out Mayor!

Another fun one from the same survey: 97th Worst City for Men (based on Health, Life and Fitness).

We suck.

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