It has been awhile since we laughed heartlessly at someone’s death, what with all the bad vibes around our fair city. Fortunately, though, an opportunity has arisen to forget our own troubles and relish in another’s.

Looks like one of the outspoken advocates for that giant ass “heritage, not hate, but kind of hate because we hate black people, but that’s part of our heritage, so it isn’t really hate” confederate flag has opted to cash in his chips early. This particular champion and gun owner turned gun suicider had a bit of an identity crisis having been born in Jersey (totally not the south, dude) but adopting the ways of the southern asstards after moving here to America’s punchline.

“He didn’t have the actual genealogical linkage,” said Siegel’s friend and fellow Confederate activist Marion Lambert. “But he had the heart and soul of a Confederate.”

Well Marion, let’s hope that soul helps him out when he stands before your God and has to explain his douchery here on earth.

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So, first there was this story about how the St. Pete PD is getting nine new yet completely oldskool (read: not energy efficient) Crown Victorias for its fleet, which, you know, would be swell were it not for the fact that it conflicts with the Mayor’s direct statement that, as a part of the larger greening of St. Pete, the city would no longer be buying those gas-guzzling things.  Apparently those sorts of things, while more or less routine, are supposed to be voted on, but, you know, why let something like actual authorization get in the way of placing the order for the cars?  No one’s gonna care, right kids?  No one except Karl Nurse, who was all like “slow your roll, council folk”, but they were like, “Oh shit, Karl, it’s too late man!”  Brilliant.  There’s kind of a bright side, though, I mean, for the most part, the silhouette of a Crown Vic has been burned into our brains at this point, so even catching one in your peripheral vision sends a quick message to your brain along the lines of “stop driving like a douche for a second!”  Yeah, it would definitely suck getting pulled over out of nowhere by a Honda Fit.

In other shitty green news, apparently the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Department is reporting the seizure of 1.5 tons of marijuana in a recent drug bust.  Wait, wtf?  1.5 tons of weed?  Man, it’s already getting more and more difficult to live here and have a positive attitude and now you’re telling me I have to do it without the aid of pot?  Well shit.  Prepare to see a rapid increase in violent crime, punctuality, and in the number of AA degrees actually completed at your local junior college.  Also, prepare to see a swift downturn in the local fast food economy.

Let’s try to wrap our heads around this tragedy with the Splog’s handy dandy guide to the Black Thursday Hugh Jass Pot Bust of ‘08.

Smallest unit of pot measurement = 1 gram.

Generally, 1 joint is approximately 1 gram.

1 Ounce = 28 grams.

16 ounces in a pound = 448 grams.

2,000 pounds in a ton = 896,000 grams.

1.5 tons = 1,344,000 grams, or

1,344,000 Joints

Now, I’m sure I’m going to get a bunch of emails from a bunch of stoners with a newfound sense of arithmetic clarity who will want to splt seeds over how much is in a joint.  I don’t care.  You get the idea.  Also, not that the enforcement agency in question would ever exaggerate the size of a bust, but 1.5 tons?  Are you counting the people you found on the couch in the houses you raided?

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I have been thinking a lot lately and more than usual my thoughts keep coming around to “what the fuck is wrong with this place?” And no, I’m not setting up some funny story here, I’m being serious. What the fuck is wrong with this place?

I don’t even know how to address this story correctly. Rape and robbery at a new restaurant on Central? How the fuck does that even happen? Why does that happen? What is wrong with humans that live in Florida?

This is such a messed up story and I definitely don’t want to make light of it. But seriously, this is yet another example why we can’t have nice things here. Someone opens Table, which becomes instantly popular and seems like a good sign of the health of Central… and then look what happens.

Please, Florida, show me some redeeming qualities in the very near future or I’m out.

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This news sucks for people that really like shit food, shit service and shit. Er, something. Actually it sucks more for the employees, sorry dudes.

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When the Rays new stadium push was put on hold there was promise of a coalition designed to… well, it was never clear exactly what they were designed to do. However, it is becoming much clearer with the launch of abc-baseball.com.

The coalition, officially called A Baseball Community, Inc., is looking to load its Board up with pro-new-stadium folks that can help move the project along.

Those opposed to building any new stadium for the Rays aren’t wanted, said coalition chairman and Progress Energy chief executive Jeff Lyash.

I was, naively, under the impression the coalition would be composed of both proponents and opponents to a new stadium that would come together and figure out what is best for the Rays, the city and us. Yes, I know, stupid me. Anywho, a couple of interesting things to note here:

• Holy shit, that site is actually well designed. Must have been done by someone out of state. If anyone knows who designed it, leave a comment.
• The domain name is owned by Nancy E. Loehr, aka the Progress Energy Community Relations Manager. Yeah, PR flak. Oddly enough she used her Hotmail account, send Nancy some love!
• It isn’t news that the coalition is headed up by Progress Energy CEO Jeff Lyash, but it is beginning to look like his involvement isn’t as an individual, but as a rep of Progress Energy.
• Al Lang = Progress Energy Park, yes? No clue what the details of that are, but it would seem it would be in Progress Energy’s best interests to build that new park.
• The site does not have any official Rays affiliation, instead trying to come off as some sort of independent “grassroots” campaign. Um. Right. Check out the footer of majorleaguedowntown.com - Paid electioneering communication paid for by Tampa Bay Rays Baseball Ltd. They had to do that legally since it was becoming a ballot issue, now that it isn’t they can go back to pulling strings from behind a fake grassroots site.
• They’ll be taking donations. Yeah, that’s right, donations. A site that appears to be a corporate tool (hi Progress Energy!) will be taking your money to, well, to offset the cost of them getting their way.

And come the fuck on Jeff Lyash, saying shit like this isn’t fooling anyone:

This is a better process because it’s led by the community, and it has broader representation

You’ve indicated that you are looking only for people who are committed to a new stadium. What exactly do you mean by broader representation? Not buying it.

The most important thing you need to take from this, though, is this: the site is well designed. We here at the Splog really don’t give a shit about shit UNLESS it is well designed. Then we’re behind whatever it is you’re selling. We’ll take two.

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I’m sure that none of you needs reminding that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  It’s really a horrible thing, and seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Do you know why mommy and daddy fight?  It’s because you touch yourself.  Global warming?  You and your fapping are to blame.  It’s no wonder that an act with such far-reaching ethical and climatological implications would drive one man to bring the enforcement of God’s masturbation policy to Florida.

It’s true; Clearwater resident James P. Gilley is accused of killing two kittens by throwing them to the ground.  It’s all right here.  The mugshot goodness is here,  You’ll note that the dude was apparently booked the night before on domestic battery charges.  Apparently, according to Jimbo there, you can beat on your wife, but don’t let him catch you beating anything else, or he’ll . . . well, you know.

What’s most disturbing about this story?  Well, according to the ironclad logic of Internet memes, this means two things.  Bay area residents really need to step it up in the spanking department, and, ZOMFG:

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Wow. Let’s just start with that. Wow. Let’s also start with two important facts. First, I have no problem with gay people. Second, I am not a fan of people dying in motorcycle accidents. Got it? Great, now on to the wow.

It looks like the FHP is taking steps to attempt to address the uptick in motorcycle fatalities that some are blaming on an increase in bikers due to higher gas prices. This is good news, that’s precisely what the FHP should do. Certainly there are some obvious things that I can think of that they might try (helmet law, anyone?!), but this here is Florida and in Florida doing the obvious thing is crazy talk. Instead the FHP has announced their new safety campaign called “Ride Proud. Dress Loud.” No, no, stop laughing, I’m serious.

It looks like someone thought the most logical way to address the problem is to convince bikers, who traditionally wear nothing but black, that wearing 80s neon chaps will be their salvation. Seriously, quit laughing, this is for real. Now certainly “Ride Proud. Dress Loud.” is a tad easier than the original name (”Motorcycle Conspicuity” - for serious), but dudes… you are doing it wrong.

They started off with a list of helpful tips which include such gems as:

While inconspicuous black clothing may be in fashion, it offers little visibility on roadways.

Right, let me throw out my collection of all black gear immediately, good idea. Or perhaps you could just replace your bike!

Motorcyclists can purchase a brightly-colored bike from the factory for higher visibility.

If this stuff doesn’t seem out of touch, check out the ads to the right. No, I didn’t Photoshop these, they actually contain incredibly homoerotic taglines like “Great Balls of Fire” and “Green Eyed Monster.” WTF!? Do they have any clue who their audience is? I mean “Good Morning Sunshine” is your best effort to reach bikers?! Let me know how that works out for you.

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This is even lazier than the original lazy post. I posted yesterday about Times staff writer Chuin-Wei Yap using the term “pulls out” in a story about Caliente Resorts. Looks like between posting it to the Breaking News blog and turning it into a legit story Chuin-Wei pussied out.

Breaking News blog intro:

Caliente Resort pulled out of the American Association for Nude Recreation…

New intro:

Caliente Resort pulled its affiliation late Friday with the American Association for Nude Recreation…

I want my high five back, Chuin-Wei Yap.

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Man, this is the ultimate lazy post. I already covered the suspension of Caliente Resorts from the American Association for Nude Recreation, and now the relationship has been severed. That isn’t the funny, though, the funny is the breaking news blog’s choice of words:

Caliente Resort pulled out of the American Association for Nude Recreation, following an investigation into sexually charged monthly parties at the club organized by a swingers group with Caliente’s blessing, the association said Monday.

ZOMFGLOLROFLCOPTER. High five to Times staff writer Chuin-Wei Yap.

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Hey, kids, do you read the news? Are you aware that some dirty foreigners now own one of America’s greatest companies? That’s right, Belgium-based InBev is now the proud owner of Anheuser-Busch, makers of such fine beers as Bud Light Lime, Chelada and Natty Ice.

I should make it clear that I usually avoid Anheuser-Busch products as far as beer goes, unless I’m desperate. But, it is rather shocking to see a 156 year old family owned company sell to a totally not American nor family owned company. I mean, hell, the Busch family didn’t even agree on it.

This story isn’t about America being purchased by terrorists, though… hahaha, I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish that sentence without laughing. Can you imagine Belgian terrorists? That shit is funny. No, this story is about the fact that InBev is not interested in stupid theme parks and may be looking to unload the 10 parks, which obviously include our own Busch Gardens, Adventure Island and Orlando’s Sea World. I love this line about the parks:

They always have been regarded as part of Busch’s marketing to make beer appear more family friendly and the company socially responsible.

Haha, family friendly beer sounds awesome. Come here, son, let daddy show you how to shotgun a beer. Responsibly. Here’s some history for you:

August Busch Jr., who kept a home in St. Pete Beach when his St. Louis Cardinals wintered in the bay area, opened Busch Gardens next to his new Tampa brewery in 1959.

Disneyland opened in 1955, so Busch was only a few years behind the birth of American theme parks - that’s pretty awesome. Sad to see it go, I’m a huge Disney geek and Busch has actually impressed the shit out of me with their ability to run quality parks and even have a better Halloween event than Universal.

The most logical purchaser would be Six Flags, but those bastards are tanking with their stocks trading at 77 cents. You may remember that Six Flags actually owned a park called Atlantis in Hollywood, FL for a very short time which doesn’t exist any more. With them out of the picture I’m not sure who is going to drop $4.6B, unless we can start a campaign to raise the dough and be the proud new owners of a handful of slightly used theme parks. Anyone in?

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Or, at least it appears to be with news of two cab robberies early this morning - one of which ended with the driver being shot. What the hell?! Combine that with the purse snatching attempt the Splog crew was party to in front of the Independent last weekend and it sure looks like a crime wave to me!

Seriously, though, let’s have a little heart to heart regarding robbery. Consider this some free advice should you decide that a life of crime is in your future. This is pretty simple, just a few things to remember:

Good robbery targets: Banks (they have lots of money), rich people’s houses (ditto on the money), Check cashing establishments (once again with the money).

Bad robbery targets: Cab drivers (seriously, how much cash can they really have?), individual purses (ditto on the limited cash)

Here’s the thing, people: St. Pete is not the kind of city where there are a ton of cab drivers raking in a ton of money, it is just too damn sprawly. I’m sure on the weekends the handful of hard workers make a pretty penny off of the drunk assholes downtown who need a ride back to their big ass houses in Old Northeast, but that’s the exception.

Try harder criminal dudes, try harder. Or, wait… no, that’s not good advice. Go try harder in Tampa. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

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No, really, it IS the bomb. Check it out: Live bombs haunt Orlando neighborhood

• More than 100 bombs and rockets have been found on Orlando school property
• Neighborhood was built around a World War II bombing range
• Army Corps of Engineers is conducting a $10 million cleanup
• Residents are outraged: “It’s incomprehensible”

Rad, right?! Looks like some totally clever developers bought the land dirt cheap, most likely because it was strewn with live bombs, and developed half million dollar homes and a school. Nevermind that it was a World War II bombing range, that stuff is ancient history! In fact, hell, there’s probably a great marketing tie in for the city:

I’m so moving there, I bet you can buy those houses totally on the cheap. Prices are dropping! You know, like bombs! Bombs drop! Get it? Florida: America’s punchline since 1845.

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Times Columnist: I need an image for a story about a girl who murdered her mom. We need to be a little sensitive, though, it is a pretty rough story.

Times Photo Editor: Hmm, sensitive. Not sure what you mean there, but I’ve got the PERFECT photo. We obtained this AWESOME image of the little girl appearing to STRANGLE her now dead mother. Check it out!

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Despite the fact that he is correct, this doesn’t let Aaron off the hook for his bad speculative reporting on the matter. Dammit. Check out the breaking news here.

I look forward to the full story to figure out exactly what changed. Now what the hell will I do with my POWW yard sign? Bust it out again in 2 years? And what does this mean for Al Lang? Another abandoned downtown St. Pete edifice for the next 2 years?

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Not to beat a dead flag into the ground, but all this recent talk about the hugh jass confederate flag really did get me thinking about the south rising again, and just how smelly and decayed it would be; well, and then there would be its inexplicable desire for BRAAAIIIIINNNNNSSS.  Thankfully, Troma produced this delightful educational film on How to Survive a Zombie Confederate Uprising.  Whew.

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