Kick-ass Stuff
I totally forgot I had this. A company who has since got out of business used a very similar image to promote a very bad idea that very much lost them a very much amount of money and stuff. The good news, though, is that now you can own a very awesome poster for a very reasonable amount of money. Yes, it is Cafepress, but trust me when I say that the quality is le awesome and you’ll get years of enjoyment out of this bad boy. So seriously, buy yourself one.
Well, more precisely: what 100,000 people look like from the rooftop Mariott pool while you are drinking free alcohol amongst the beautiful people at the Red Bull VIP party. Yeah, that’s right, that’s how we roll.
This post isn’t actually about how awesome my life is, though. No, this post is a congratulations to the bay area. I was shocked to hear that Red Bull was planning a Flugtag event here and I was so very scared that we’d fuck it up like we fuck up so many things. But you know what? People showed up! That’s right, the bay area represented and Tampa actually looked like a real city with tons of people flooding the water, walkways and rooftops of downtown. This is a proud day my friends. Top it off with a local team (Tampa Baywatch) taking the victory and I say that’s a day full of WIN.
The Times is currently reporting 35,000 people there, but 100,000 sounds more impressive and from where I was standing with my arms around gorgeous Red Bull girls I’ll tell you this much: it was a fuckload of people.
That’s right kiddies, time to clear out the Splog warehouse and make room for more dead hookers. For a limited time you can pick up a Splog shirt for only $10. Tell your friends! These are American Apparel beauties (the gray one is a tri-blend, soooooo soft) with custom tags, badass artwork and enough ‘burg cred to get you into the most exclusive St. Pete hotspots (think Wilson’s Lounge). Act now, Merchline operators are standing by!
It’s like a super soaker FOR YOUR BIKE!1!!!
01 Jul
Posted by Casey in the Kick-ass Stuff department.
Oh Florida, how I love thee. Where else can my trip to work be suddenly and delightfully interrupted by an amazing, life changing invention like Water Wheels? I mean, fuck me, it’s like a super soaker for your bike!
Invented by a local man, this is CLEARLY the HOTTEST new toy for a COOL WET summer of fun. Be sure to check out the media coverage in which inventor Tim Englert reveals that he underwent 10-12 years of R&D and practically guarantees you’ll be able to get your Water Wheels this coming Christmas 2004.
The most important thing you NEED to do is watch the awesome cartoon that will hypnotize you into wanting, nay needing a Water Wheels this very instant.
Right. So remind me why I would see a truck this morning with this shit plastered all over it if Christmas 2004 already passed and clearly no one wanted the damn thing? Oh, right, because here in Florida we IGNORE TIME. I promised you something 4 years ago? Fuck it, who cares?! Dirty hipster shit was big in major cities 4 years ago? Fuck it, roll in some dirt and call yourself cool.
No, really, I saw it once in a picture. I really friggin’ hate the RPOF, these dudes have no class, no morals and are apparently completely OK with seeming like a desperate bunch of a democracy haters. Congrats, fellas! I bet they’re still bummed about the civil war, too.
Looks like these fuckwads are sending around a Photoshopped image of Fidel Castro holding an Obama poster with ZANY text on it. The text was obviously added later, but most people won’t catch the fact that Fidel Castro has never had his hands on an Obama poster and a bunch of stupid assholes are probably going to take this as a legitimate image.
Well guess what, RPOF? We have Photoshop too!
Please ignore the following, for Google’s sake I need to mention a few things to make sure these dillholes see this post: RPOF, Republican, Florida, Party, Bush, Governor, Governor Crist, Charlie Crist, Jim Greer, Jeff Kottkamp, Marco Rubio, Speaker Rubio, Ken Pruitt, Florida House, Florida Senate, politics, political, vote, voting, voter registration, GOP, Republican Party, Republican National Committee, George W. Bush, President Bush, White House, Dick Cheney, Bush, Cheney, Senate, House, Congress, Conservative, Political activism, 2004 Election, Taxes, Tax Relief, Bush Tax Cuts, Economy, Education, No Child Left Behind, Defense, Judicial Nominees, Protecting Social Security, Prescription, Drugs, Rx Drugs, 2nd Amendment, Homeland Security, platform, RSEC, Republican State Executive Committee
Man I love YouTubes. Video is old, and looks to be a camera filming a TV, but it says it was filmed in St. Pete… weird weird weird.
Man, check out the badass time that the Florida Library Association had at FLA2008 held at the Tradewinds, St. Pete Beach. I’m so pissed that I didn’t get tickets to this thing, I’ve been begging them to let me attend the last 3 years but I guess there’s a crazy waiting list. Just look at the shenanigans below… damn that looks awesome!
I had the incredible honor of spending an evening in the cultural mecca that is Dunedin last night, and boy are my eyes open. Here I thought St. Pete was the place to be, but St. Pete is to Dunedin as Buttfuck, Indiana is to NY. The culture, entertainment and variety of trendy bars is staggering! Staggering I say!
Here’s what you should do immediately: stop reading this shit and go to Dunedin. Start off with some Mahi Tacos at Jolli Mon’s, that shit will get your stomach ready for getting your fade on. Sit on the patio, that way you can watch the fat rollerbladers on the Pinellas Trail. Next check out the Dunedin Brewery, you should be good to go unless it is Earth Day and there’s a drum circle composed of creepy dudes inexplicably carrying hula hoops. If it is Earth Day, don’t go in. Seriously. Otherwise, get a Redhead Red or two.
Next, you have options but you should ignore those options because they just get in the way of the magical time you will spend at the Chic-a-boom Room. Remember, though, this isn’t amateur ‘burg hour, don’t be rollin’ up in there unless you’re dressed right or they’ll kick you right the fuck out. Also, keep your eyes peeled for some hott cross dressin’ dudes making their way to the backdoor of Blur. Don’t be tempted to follow them, though, you’ll get there soon enough once you’ve got a good buzz going. You may want to keep a skirt handy, too, dudes in skirts drink free on Wednesdays, Tuesdays are alternative lifestyle and Fridays celebrate the art of female impersonation. Dope.
When you pass out in the bathroom, no problem, Kelly’s is right next door to fix you up a hangover stomping breakfast. Just be careful not to show up there with a group of dudes, they’ll totally misunderstand and it’ll make for some awkward air kisses.
Our favorite provider of hangovers (hi Colleen!) sent us a link to St. Pete Recycling Solutions, which makes us about 3 months late to the party, but dammit, I’m still posting it. We’ve spent plenty of time badmouthing the city’s recycling “program” (if you can call it that), and it looks like someone else decided to do what us bloggers never do - actually act on something. Greg Foster had the bright idea of turning the city’s embarrassment into a business venture, building a curbside recycling program where Mayor Greenie Baker said one couldn’t be built.
For the completely reasonable amount of $15/month, SPRS will provide you with recycling bins and actually pick that shit up from your curb on a weekly basis. This sounds so damn familiar to me, although I can’t seem to place where I might have… oh wait, this is what most real cities do when they claim they have recycling programs!
It will be interesting to see if SPRS will be able to entice enough lazy ‘burgers to pay money to have their recyclables removed. My gut says that the time-honored American tradition of lazy-assedness will just about guarantee their success. Bravo to you SPRS and Greg Foster, now let’s see what other companies we can create to fill in all the other gaps in our city government.
I spent last evening in South Beach, which has officially changed its name to Push Ultra Lounge and relocated to downtown St. Pete. There are soooooooo many reasons to hate this place, from the douchetastic bluetooth-rockin’ doormen, to the 148 rotating raver lights in the main room, to the abundance of South Beach colored and shaped paraphernalia, to the rooftop bar with “VIP” seating, to the cabana “VIP” areas on the main floor, to the bathroom attendant yelling at you for using the wrong architectural sculpture disguised as a faucet, to the fact that there are 3 bars in a place that requires only 1, to the dress code requiring that you a) wear a collared shirt and b) pop that shit, to the Monstro the whale laminated press board I-think-that’s-art-but-I’m-not-sure rib bone rafters, to the fact that they are projecting shit onto frosted glass behind a bar like nobody’s fucking business, to the glowing orbs that they picked up on a fire sale from that Rooms To Go knock-off called Rooms To Geh, etc., etc.
Here’s the fucked up part, though. I liked it.
I will admit it didn’t hurt that $2 Coronas flowed down like a cascading waterfall of rayon shirts and short skirts that linger in the air from the other 6 nights of the week. It also doesn’t hurt to be drinking said beverages on the roof of a building with a rad view of the sea of skyscrapers that is downtown St. Pete. And it most definitely doesn’t hurt when you get a bonus ass-handing by the dudes in Summerbirds.
Seriously though, it was like getting fucked in the ear. I mean, it jostles the shit out of your brain and seems like it really should be unpleasant, but then you just sort of dial it in and go along for the ride. You know what I’m sayin’, right? Right? Nobody? Shit, bad analogy. The reality is that Push is one of those places you just want to hate, and it is trying really hard to help you hate it, but ultimately you realize you’re having a good time. A good time at a bar that places ropes and stanchions around their seating areas so you can block that shit off like the baller you are.
The moral of the story is this: go to Push for Thx Mgmt’s Thursdays. I highly recommend March 6 when you can catch Velveteen Pink and Giddy-Up, Helicopter.
In closing, Nate from A!A!! and Chris from Pale Horse are douchebags.
In recently working on a logo which required the state of Florida (hardest shape to work with evar), I did a quick Google search to see how other assholes had utilized America’s wang. Two things happened:
- I realized clients that demand Florida in their logos have shit taste and hire shit designers (moi and Chris Parks excepted).
- I became aware of a most awesome organization called Students Association in Human Values, Inc.
Finding a goldmine like this is one of those mental overload things where your brain just isn’t sure where the hell to start the lambasting. It goes without saying that the most delightfully awful part is the incapable-of-being-turned-off midi backed children’s choir remixing classics with new, enlightened lyrics. Be sure to hit all the pages, there’s a different song waiting for you on every page.
Next I suppose we need to address the scary ass afromonk on the homepage. This is Sathya Sai Baba whom I am sure you all are familiar with on account of his wildly popular Saicasts. He is actually a “highly revered spiritual leader and world teacher, whose life and message are inspiring millions of people throughout the world to turn God-ward and to lead more purposeful and moral lives.” Ah, I see, the hair makes sense now - it is a transmitter, a radio for speaking to God.
Our boy Baba does some good work - builds hospitals, purifies water with his healing touch, etc. His previous consultant psychiatrist (*cough* crazy *cough*) started up SAIHV in Jacksonville to teach kids to get high on God, not the far superior high-inducing drugs that run the Splog. I can get behind that. And what better logo to represent such a noble cause than the “dude, pull my finger” beauty below.
Haha. Hahaha! HAHAHA!! ROFLROFLROFLROFLCOPTER!!!1!! Oh man, I’m crying here. Baba says this means solidarity or some shit, but where I’m from this looks an awful lot like a different activity altogether. One of you talented readers needs to throw together an interactive flash movie that allows you to click on the logo and pull the finger. Whip that shit up, eh?
I suppose I must close with a disclaimer, I just re-read this post and realized I sure do sound like an asshole. So here’s the disclaimer: I am an asshole.
The kids over at Idiotik Ink (I would link to their site, but your eyes might asplode) posted this almost 2 weeks ago, which makes me late to the party, but I’ve been on this press tour for a month now and it is a little hard keeping up with shit via hotel internet connections. Either way, Gayle Guyardo of News Channel 8 (on your motherfuckin’ side) spent her Gasparilla good and liquored up, despite the fact she had a job to do. Oops!
Mark Maksimowicz runs an outfit called Green Armada, a public charity here in SP designed to help communities come together and efficiently and economically remove the tons of trash collecting along our coastlines and inland waterways. You know, important stuff. Stuff that’s good for the environment. And stuff that gets you named to People Magazine’s Heroes Among Us and now CNN’s Heroes.
So why should you or I care? Well, first because the dude is from St. Petersburg. Yay Spurg! And second because despite the fact that we are assholes and point out all the stuff that sucks about Florida, occasionally it is nice to stop and recognize when stuff is actually going right. And no, we’re not going all gay on you.So, let’s take a moment to soak in the numbers: $100,000 of his own savings, 70 volunteers and 25 tons of garbage yoinked from our waterways. And what the hell have you accomplished with your life?! Yeah, that’s right, Mark kicks your ass at everything. Mark wins. Mark wins at things you aren’t supposed to win at. Like yelling. Mark wins at yelling.UPDATECheck the comment on this post. Looks like these cats are up to 62 tons of trash and over 1,000 volunteers. Rad.
Why the fuck wasn’t I told about the tiny horse?!
07 Nov
Posted by Casey in the Kick-ass Stuff department.
Yes, I said fuck in the title, this is a big fucking deal. It appears as though no one, including you heartless readers, notified me that Thumbelina, the world’s smallest horse, was at All Children’s Hospital on Monday. W. T. F?!
It isn’t often that we get celebrities here in the ‘burg, so I really would have liked the opportunity to at least get some paparazzi shots of Thumbelina. Guess I’ll just have to settle for Tampa Bay 10’s crack reporting.
Goddammit. A 17.5″ horse? That’s like a cute’splosion. I’m not getting over this any time soon I hope you know.
Well screw me silly, a “media” company in the ‘burg doing some pretty good work. CMR Studios is a video production company that’s been around for 22 years and I recently got a press release saying they had done some work for Hillsborough Kids Inc. (HKI) out of Tampa. HKI is a pretty rad organization that provides lots of great services for children, so being my normal asshole self I was convinced this CMR outfit probably screwed HKI into some cheesy video project that cost a bunch of money.
Wrong! This comes from the press release:
Studio president and creative director Mike Weber presented HKI with the concept of writing a script that was the blending of several true cases into the story of one child. The treatment would be done in a form parents can relate to: a storybook. More specifically, a pop-up storybook that would become a virtual set for the six-minute video. The live action actors would be inserted into the pages using green screen compositing. Every page turn reveals one of eleven scenes depicting: the Tampa skyline, the University of Tampa, a house, various interior settings, Busch Gardens and Lowry Park Zoo.
Well, that sounds like a cool idea, but certainly someone will screw it up. Wrong! In a totally un-Florida turn of events the video is actually pretty damn well done. Check it out here. There’s a cool little behind the scenes thing as well, check that here. Bravo to CMR, granted this isn’t some groundbreaking, super kickass, Academy Award stuff, but for the ‘burg I’m pretty impressed. And dammit, I think we need to congratulate people around here when they manage to avoid sucking.
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