Hurricane Dean says “sup” to the Yucatan.

So they get a little wet. Whatev.

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So, today being the 3rd anniversary of Hurricane Charley’s landfall made me wonder how Punta Gorda is doing. I remember sitting at home that day, certain we were completely screwed and then feeling both thrilled and bummed that it took a detour just south of here. Sucked for Punta Gorda, but hey, at least it didn’t hit St. Pete, right?

Well, in what is sadly unshocking news, the largely poor and historically black east Punta Gorda is still in bad shape 3 years later.

The struggle to rebuild in this historic neighborhood illustrates the particular devastation that hits poorer communities after a hurricane. Families here have the lowest incomes in the city. Few homes had hurricane shutters or other protection against the storm. Many residents lacked insurance or enough savings to rebuild.

And while millions of dollars in government aid has been pledged, most of the money is going to rebuild public or low-income housing projects, not to individual homeowners.

Three years later, what is left are promises and blueprints for improvement, but also the reality of a neighborhood that is nearly the same ghost town it was the day after Hurricane Charley hit.

Now, you might read that and think money should indeed go first to public and low-income housing projects, after all they probably need it more than individual homeowners. The screwed up part is that “first” in this case means now, a full 3 years later. And how about the wealthier folks, surely they too are suffering?

In the waterfront Punta Gorda Isles neighborhood, “everyone has a new house because of the storm,” said Charlotte County Realtor Lisa Hamlin.

Something is seriously not right, and the truly frightening part is that I imagine it would be 100 times worse here in St. Pete based on the number of people packed into the city.

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Seriously, the county is calling your ass out. And when the county calls you out, they do it with a bucket truck and a 24 foot banner. Oh, and a big banner on the side that says Surge Kills.

I’m pretty sure we’d all be dead with a Category 5, so I don’t really care, but if you’re a ninnysissy that needs to know your zone, check it here. Oh, and if you’re a ninnysissy that for some lame reason wants to see the dumb truck in person, check it here:

• July 18-19
  Tarpon Springs Library parking lot, 138 E. Lemon St.
• July 19 - 2 p.m.
  Tarpon Springs Library, Tom Iovino, Emergency Management/ Communications, will speak on Busting Hurricane Myths and Chris Settle will speak on the Host Homes program.
• July 28 - 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
  Wal-Mart parking lot, 3993 Tyrone Blvd., St. Petersburg
  Tom Iovino, Communications/ Emergency Management, will be on site.
• Aug. 4 - 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
  Wal-Mart parking lot, 3801 Tampa Road, Oldsmar
  Several booths, including Tom Iovino, Communications/ Emergency Management
• Aug. 7 - 4 to 9 p.m.
  St. Pete Beach Community Center, 7701 Boca Ciega Drive
  Hurricane Forum, including Pinellas County Emergency Management

You can be certain that no representatives of St.Petersblog will be at any of these locations. We think preparation for highly likely natural disasters is for pussies.

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These go to 11.

It’s just come to my attention that the Environmental Protection Agency has declared today’s UV Index for St. Petersburg as an off-the-charts 11+.

As a public service to our readers, please heed the following warning: Don’t walk around outside naked. Not only will it increase your likelihood of skin cancer, cataracts, and premature aging, but you’ll probably get your ass kicked by a bunch of rednecks.

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Courtesy of Stpete.org, apparently a hurricane is in the forecast for the 4th of July.

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Run, motherfuckers! topherchris alerts us to the impending ginormous hurricane coming our way. Man, that Weather Channel logo is doomed.

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We’re not below sea level, so floodwaters would quickly slosh back into the bay and gulf. But damage would be done. - from “Would we Fail like New Orleans?”, St. Pete Times 06/09/07

This just in: The Tampa Bay area was not constructed under sea level and therefore does not owe its continued existed in an oxygen-rich environment to an antiquated system of dykes (giggity) and levees.  Put a different way, St. Petersburg is not New Orleans.  That’s right, you can stop making beignets now, but please, continue to panic.

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They’ll probably die. (tampabay.com, 07/01/07)
- Division of Emergency Management Director Craig Fugate’s response when asked what would happen to evacuees stuck on major bridges during a hurricane.

It’s official; hurricane season is here, and, in a move that nobody could have anticipated, it’s being reported once again that we are all fucking doomed. I get that the complacency that’s settled in here regarding hurricanes just might justify the deluge of sensational and alarmist crap that we deal with every year, but once you start to make it sound like we’re all pretty much gonna die no matter what we do, then you start to be responsible for a whole new kind of storm apathy. Jeez.

Also, don’t forget; it’s hurricane tax holiday time from now until June 12th, so go out and stock up on rope, candles, batteries and whatever else your bizarre sexual fetishes require - oh, right; those are also things that are useful in a disaster. The Florida Department of Revenue has a handy dandy list of all the tax-free catastrophe schwag.

As for that whole dying thing, screw you guys, I’m going underwater.

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It looks like all the granola bars and D batteries you stocked up on for hurricane season were a waste of effort. Floridians have Governor Crist to thank for ending the threat of hurricanes by enlisting a very powerful ally in the War on High Winds and Heavy Rain. Not just any ally, but a guy who we know can make a flood happen when he’s in the mood.

That’s right: God.

While vacationing in Jerusalem today, our governor slipped a note to God into the Western Wall. This, apparently, will get it delivered straight to the top of the Big Man’s desk. He can’t ignore that.

You want art? We got art.

“Thank you so much for all you have done for us. Please protect our Florida from storms and other difficulties. Amen.”

Good for us! I feel a little bad for other states on the Gulf Coast who will no doubt be pummeled with tropical terror in our stead, but surely they can start a prayer tree to fight it off.

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