That’s it, we quit.

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I’m re-posting something we originally ran in January of ‘08 in light of the fact that Foster is looking an awful lot like our next mayor. Let us not forget what this dude believes in, k?

Here we are, still debating whether or not Darwin’s theory of evolution is a fundamental concept of biology — which likewise means we’re still debating what exactly to teach our kids about this trivial little topic. I vote for science over voodoo, but I don’t get a vote on the matter. That’s up to our State Board of Education.

Don’t get me wrong, you want to teach your kids that God made modern humans a few thousand years ago? Cool. Homeschool them. That’s your right, so use it. Go crazy!

I don’t have a problem with any of you wackos until you start demanding that “alternative theories” be taught in public schools. Even the phrase “alternative theories” pisses me off. We all know what you mean there… unless you plan on covering the sacred legend of how the Flying Spaghetti Monster rubbed its noodly appendages together and created mankind out of a pair of tasty meatballs.

Hi there Bill Foster! Your ideas are shit and so is your face!

Yes, I thought I’d heard everything on this issue. Leave it to Bill Foster, who just recently left public office as an esteemed member of the St. Petersburg City Council, to open my eyes to a new series of arguments in favor of fairy tails. Bill has a few theories on biology, and as a lawyer, he’s fully qualified to share them in a letter he sent to the Pinellas School Board.

Quoting…

Evolution gives our kids an excuse to believe in natural selection and survival of the fittest, which leads to a belief that they are superior over the weak. This is a slippery slope. One of the Columbine shooters wrote on his website, ‘You know what I love? Natural selection! It’s the best thing that ever happened to the Earth. Getting rid of all the stupid and weak organisms.

Really? That’s what you’re starting with? Columbine? Fuck me.

To be fair, Bill isn’t all wrong. Kids do have an excuse to believe in natural selection, because it’s true. As for the Columbine murderers, I thought it was all Marilyn Manson’s fault. Sorry, I shouldn’t kid about this. Since I’m an evolutionist, I am likely to go on a shooting rampage, if I’m following Bill’s reasoning fully.

His next point? Darwinism is responsible for Hitler. That’s right.

Adolph Hitler duped an entire generation using Darwin’s evolution. He sought to preserve the favored race in the struggle for survival.

Well, now if I argue with the guy I’ll be labeled a fucking fascist. Nice work! You know what, fuck it. I’m not gonna get into Hitler, Jesus. Godwin’s Law is still safe and sound, though.

Eh, there’s three pages of bullshit in this letter to struggle though, but I’ll leave you with this final nugget.

The beautiful thing about this country is that we all have a right to believe in whatever we choose.

Twisting this into a First Amendment issue is disgusting. You can say what you want, and you can worship what you want, and you can protest what you want. But really, we cannot believe in whatever we want.

If I believe I am John F. Kennedy and only look nothing like him because of extreme surgery to hide my true identity, that’s not alright. That means I’m insane. Now, insane people have rights too, but they don’t get their ethos taught in our schools.

Granted, that would make school more fun!

To bring it back around to Bill’s horseshit: It’s not alright to believe that genocide is morally correct. It’s not alright to believe that killing your classmates and then yourself is a smart way to deal with teenage angst. And it’s not alright to expect Genesis to be taught to children in publicly funded schools just because you believe in it.

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Normally with a headline like that I’d be talking some serious shit and laughing at people. However, I happen to be a fan of REAX and have been pleasantly surprised that they’ve lasted as long as they have. But guess what? Putting out a free awesome magazine costs money and money doesn’t grow on trees. So the crew needs your help and dammit, if you’ve read the magazine before, or read this blog and gone to a music or art show that we’ve listed, you should donate to REAX. Even if it is just a few bucks it is called being “part of a community.” Crazy thought, I know, but the way these things work is that we all need to chip in to make sure that things like this remain. Below is a link to their donate page and below that is the e-mail that Editor Scott Harrell sent out.

So really, don’t be a dick, donate.

Click here to donate

Homegrown Music Monthly’s Editor Asks Bands And Fans For Help

Tampa, Fla. - (August 13, 2009) - In journalism classes, they tell you to lead with the most important information, then continue the story by listing the facts in a descending order of priority.

So here’s the long and short of it: REAX Magazine needs your help.

REAX is and always has been a fiercely independent entity, beholden to nothing but the tastes and imaginations of its staff and readership. Unfortunately, these days, “independent print media” has become a euphemism for “pretty much screwed from the get-go.” Budgets and assets were basically nonexistent when the mag started, and they’ve only gotten tighter as the media and publishing industries have gone into a tailspin.

We’ve done more than just get by. We’ve managed to support local music and art in communities all over the state of Florida while simultaneously covering the national scene and exposing homegrown talent to readers all over the country and beyond - the vast majority of our subscribers at issuu.com reside in other countries. We’ve given aspiring writers an opportunity to interview their heroes and hone their craft while adding cover stories and other prominent features to their resumes.

We’ve thrown some most excellent parties.

And we want to keep doing all of those things.

Now, I’m supposed to write a press release that asks for donations without sounding like we’re in trouble. That inspires the scene to rally around REAX without making it seem like we think the scene owes us something. That lets the bands and fans and readers know that we really need their help without scaring advertisers.

Well, you know what? We are in trouble. We do need your help. And if some of our advertisers paid what they owe us, we wouldn’t have to play the “incredibly handsome free magazine asks its readers to give a little back” card.

Rest assured, REAX isn’t going anywhere. We’re still committed to providing local, regional and national music and lifestyle news. But we’re having a really tough time paying the bills right now. So we’re asking every fan, band, artist and writer to help us out a little bit. If you’ve ever gotten something out of REAX, or support the idea of independent media in an increasingly conglomerated industry, throw us a few bucks for toner or printing costs or gas. Donors will automatically be entered into a series of special drawings for swag like clothes, event tickets, gift certificates, maybe even a bar tab or two. We’ll print your name in the mag’s masthead as a thank you, too, if you want. Many of you have asked over the years what you can do to help REAX and how you can get involved. Well, this is your chance. We’ll be eternally grateful.

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Chris over at Pale Horse has managed to bring the rad once again with his Luchadoreligious mashups now available as prints and on skateboards. The first in the series, Our Lady of Lucha Libre is available now.

He has also been sharing progress shots on his blog, and next up in the series is Christos Mysterio Jr.

Remember, kids, there are cool things afoot, you just gotta dig a little to find them.

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St. Petersburg’s latest burglary victim: the mayor

The city’s rising tide of burglaries has claimed a new and prominent victim: Mayor Rick Baker. The mayor interrupted the burglars himself, according to St. Petersburg police, when he returned to his home on 25th Avenue N about 12:20 p.m. Thursday.

Nice. I bet being tough on crime is suddenly on that dude’s radar now that it is too late. Can we get a few more cops, please? As the story points out, property crimes rose 10 percent in the first half of 2009 compared to the first half of 2008. The ‘burg is turnin’ ghetto!

According to our boy Scott Wagman the ratio of police to peeps in Tampa is 3 police officers for every 1,000 citizens while St. Pete is rockin’ a low 2.14. With the national average being 2.54 we’re sort of sucking on this front.

There are a million critical issues for our next mayor, but there’s no question crime is going to be sitting damn close to the top.

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Wow, it looks like our boy Scott Wagman is better at getting press than we previously thought. This from today’s Wall Street Journal:

For State, Local Office Seekers, Web Ads Present Potential Pitfalls

Looks like that pesky disclaimer that all political ads are required to display was missing from ads the Wagman campaign placed on Google and Facebook and the Florida Elections Commission was none too happy about it.

I’m pretty impressed that the WSJ is saying “the Florida dispute is likely to set a precedent for how state and local politicians advertise on the Web.” If nothing else I’m just happy our boy Scott has put us on the map without a python having to kill a baby.

Wagman’s team is trying to insinuate that the ads aren’t actually ads, but instead links to ads and the ads (which are not ads, but links) that link to ads actually link to ads that contain the appropriate disclaimer. Yeah, I’m confused too. They get points for creativity, but it is pretty clear that they violated state law.

At this point it looks like they can either plead no contest and pay a small fee, or fight and end up with a much larger financial penalty. Based on Wagman’s spending so far I don’t think either of these is anything that will have a significant impact on his campaign. The interesting thing to me is that you can’t put the genie back in the bottle, the vast majority of people that saw the ads won’t see this story which means in the end he wins.

Tip of the hat to Peter Wahlberg for alerting us to the story.

UPDATE: Check out a story from the other Saint Petersblog that was posted in the comments to see the ads in question.

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What the hell are the people at Busch Gardens thinking? First a dude that scares you by txting ur ass, then a creepy DJ, then a pair of ridiculous supposed-to-be-sexy-but-also-scary Siamese twins and now Mugatu from Zoolander? WTF?

They’ve released a teaser trailer, which I must admit is very well shot and edited, but their mascot this year is some kind of an evil fashion designer?! What are these people smoking?

I’ve always pulled for Busch Gardens, who has a hard time competing with Universal’s Halloween Horror Nights. Busch does a damn fine job with their haunted houses which are usually top notch, but they continue to force these lame mascots on the event which probably sends people driving to Orlando.

Please hire some new folks to pull the theme together, refresh your haunted houses more frequently (Universal replaces every year, you guys are still rocking mazes from 4 years ago) and put yourselves on the map as a real competitor to HHN. You do get points for Twitter usage, though, so I’ll give you that.

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And the first order of business is hiring Alex Pickett back. And then firing him again. Right before Christmas.

The final chapter is closing in on the 10-month soap opera that is the Creative Loafing bankruptcy case. Today, Tampa bankruptcy court Judge Caryl E. Delano tentatively approved the bidding procedures of the upcoming new equity auction on August 25. Based on the winner of that auction, Creative Loafing will emerge from bankruptcy with or without new owners.

I’m pretty sure we’ll buy it, just a matter of checking on some Swiss bank accounts and calling in that IOU from Steve Jobs. I swear, that guy, you’d think he’d be better at managing his money.

Read all about it on Alex’s blog.

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Hey there boys and girls, it’s time for ART! That’s right, we here at the Splog are men enough to admit that we like the art, and if you’ve got something to say about it we’ll put down our tea, take off our white gloves, remove our topcoat and beat you silly.

The Outlook Art Show, which fires up at 6 pm tomorrow night at Cafe Hey in Tampa, says the following about itself:

Art is a result of how individual opinions transpire visually and tangibly. The result may be directed by predictability, or driven by curiousity. Whatever the case, the end product is a recording of one’s perspective… Art is an ongoing conversation, the product is a documentation of an outlook, whether extremely obvious, or entirely vague.

Hmm, that actually sounds really wanky. Pretend you didn’t hear that and instead focus on the fact that it features artists like Red Labor, Brandon Dunlap and Brandon McClean.

Of particular note is that this is the first time in recent history that I can remember someone in the area creating a site just for a show, bravo kids! It looks like they are also planning to sell pieces on the site as well. It was built by the cats over at Solid Motive, who I actually haven’t heard of but seem to do reasonably decent work. I don’t know what it is about Florida, though, because while their stuff looks pretty damn good on the outside, you dig around a little and find stuff like this where it looks like they either repeated a post for testing or just aren’t paying attention to what is visible on the live site. Come on fellas, details!

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Amy spotted this awesomeness on the corner of 18 Ave S and 25 St.

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In the spirit of openness and transparency, St.Petersblog thinks Scott Wagman is a douche. Check this e-mail from today. L. A. M. E. Is this working on people? If so, we’re fucked.

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It’s time to inject a little POSIVIBE into this downer of an internet, so here are a few things that don’t suck, and if we say they don’t suck that means you need to leave your house this instant and get in on this shit. Seriously.

Chappy’s Lousiana Kitchen Happy Hour
Monday-Friday from 4-7pm
This place is damn good, which means it probably won’t last very long. Don’t let another one get away, get your ass down every day of the week from 4-7pm and enjoy 2 for 1 well drinks, domestic drafts and house wines. Oh, and a buffet of free food. You’ll have to fight through some of the urchins that come for the free food, but it is well worth it.

St. Pete Shuffle
Free on Fridays from 7-11pm
Hit this up, take lots of pictures of yourself and then tell all your hipster friends in other cities about it, they’ll be jealous. Seriously, they do this stuff in the REAL Bay area on the other side of the country. Hipster cred points abound.


Summer Sunset Film Festival
Monday nights at 8:30 pm
Free movies on the roof of Push, Monday nights. This coming week (August 3) check out Hepburn, Bogart and Holden in Sabrina. Indiana Jones is not in this version, so keep that in mind.

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Man, have we been gone long enough that Alex Pickett has resorted to just calling everyone Nazis now? I guess so. Well, he’s reporting for food and I suppose that’s the best way to get readers. NAZI NAZI NAZI! That oughta bump our stats a bit.

That’s actually a really funny story and is a pretty good indication why form letters are not the best idea in the world. The thing that has me scratching my head, though, is why a form letter would say “I am delighted to share this (insert item here) with the people of Florida.” So, like, if I send him a giant dildo will I get a similar form letter?

I am delighted to share this purple-headed love warrior with the people of Florida.

Now that’s something I would frame. Maybe some day Charlie “Goebbels” Crist’s staff will get compruders with internets and goobles so they can avoid such embarrassment.

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A child drug dealer narrowly avoided capture while trying to smuggle drugs via a bag of Skittles at the Tampa Airport yesterday. The clever criminal ate the Skittles while in the car on the way home with gramps and grams and faked lethargy to avoid being busted.

After being rushed to the hospital the 4 year old was all “oh shit, what the fuck is this shit, I thought this shit was Skittles, I’ve never seen drugs in my life, I’m a fucking baby, this is some fucked up shit right here.”

The real story is far less interesting than my version, but feel free to read it here. Seriously, though, this is some really scary shit, I hope the kid found the bag as opposed to someone actually giving it to her. My guess is that some dumbass was trying to get their stash of oxycontin on vacation with them and left that shit just lying around. I’ve got to fault the grandparents a bit here, though, who apparently didn’t notice either the kid obtaining the candy nor eating enough of it in the car to have a reaction.

There’s a lesson here, kids: don’t do drugs. And don’t eat random Skittles you find at the airport.

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There is an absolute shit ton of things to be said about the race for mayor and don’t you worry, if there’s anything we’re full of here at the Splog, it’s shit. I wanted to draw your attention to an event on Wednesday that has the potential to greatly affect the futurepast (I just coined that shit) of our city. Here are the details:

Mayoral candidates preservation summit
Wednesday, July 29 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM
Studio@620

It looks like most of the candidates will be in attendance to discuss their thoughts and plans on preservation. This could be a complete suckfest, the details seem to focus more on Saint Petersburg Preservation presenting something or another and then having the candidates respond in 5 minutes. I’m less interested in hearing from SPP, I know what they want, so I’m hoping there will be enough time for the candidates to speak at length about their take on preserving a city that has a history of seriously screwing this up.

My #1 question would be this: how will you, personally, prevent the same bullshit mistakes that have turned large chunks of Central Ave. into a ghost town? And if Scott Wagman says he’ll paint that shit, I’ll punch him right in the nuts.

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