I’m too lazy to even type, so I’m just uploading the posters. Tonight at NWB = 9pm, $7. Redletter1 = new space, pretty awesome. Yes. Have fun!

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The City of St. Petersburg is an asshole. They just sent me this:

Tonight, the city will flip the switch on hundreds of tiny LED lights that adorn 29 trees in Williams Park. The tree lighting is another initiative launched by a consortium of interested organizations working to improve the vitality of the city’s urban square, Williams Park.

Am I the only one that thinks money could be better spent on helping the current inhabitants of Williams Park instead of buying a bunch of goddamn lights to somehow make it prettier for those of us lucky enough to have a place to sleep? That just doesn’t feel right.

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Who in the hell designs that terrible Dalí billboard on 275? That thing actually makes me angry, it is consistently complete shit. I mean, come on, we have a damn Dalí Museum, we should be proud. Being proud means getting a real designer to do something awesome with the source material, not put a goddamn football on the L in Dalí and think it is clever. And on a solid yellow background?! That’s the best you can do? Didn’t Dalí actually paint some INTERESTING SHIT YOU COULD USE ON THE BILLBOARD? Good Lord.

Dear Dalí Museum, here’s one I’ve designed for free, if you’d like the high resolution file to use for the next billboard just let me know.

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I love Deputy John Novy’s quotes in this pretty standard story of “cops find marijuana grow house.” First, the headline from tampabay.com:

Deputy: Marijuana plants “best I’ve ever seen”

And then this gem:

These are best plants I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of plants.

Good to know, brody, how about the quality of the plants?

They were sitting on a gold mine.

Dude, if you go on and on about how these are totally the most awesome bawls marijuana plants you’ve ever seen, then people will totally know you’re a pothead! I know you’re all excited and jonesin’ and whatnot, but calm it down broseph.

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This was a slightly peculiar story when it showed up on the Breaking News blog yesterday, but tampabay.com has added some details that make it a really REALLY peculiar story. The short of it is that someone in the ‘burg shot a dude (who has a record for showing his junk to little boys) while said dude was driving his creepy white pedo van Thursday night. My theory? Some masked avenger is taking out pedophiles sniper style. Unfortunately, though, it is more complicated than that.

Aside from showing his ding dong to some little tikes in Sarasota in ‘04, Carmen Tungate has some other interesting marks on his record such as strangling his former boss to death when he was 19, and although convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 30 years, he only served 10. In other words, there are probably other reasons people wanted to kill the dude.

I am macabrely fascinated by the fact that cops showed up to what they thought was a traffic accident, flung the pedo van door open and found a bullet hole in the guy. “Well Frank, looks like a standard traffic acci… HOLY SHIT, HE’S FULL OF LEAD!” Must have been a bit of a head scratcher.

Going back to my original theory, though, take a look at Sex Offender Murders by a Voice of Reason. Yes, folks, the internet has everything - including blogs extolling the virtues of vigilante justice on sex offenders. And these good folks were nice enough to categorize the murders by type, so if you want to jump straight to Ice Pick, or Throat Slit you can! How thoughtful.

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This dude is my friggin’ hero. Old Air Corps bunker is used to grow marijuana, Tampa police say

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This is something that’s been bothering me since the election and yesterday just put a big ol’ exclamation point after it. The only thing that makes this local is that the Times went ahead and followed suit, which I imagine every damn paper in the US is doing right now. Here’s the short of it:

We all elected Obama

That’s right, I’m proud too. I elected Obama, too. Every damn news network seemed to think yesterday was only a historic day for black people. CNN seemed to think that the only people they should show during the inauguration were black people. And then I wake up and the Times of course has the requisite story covering what we were doing locally with a great photo at the top… of black people. Not only that, they went to Shirley & Lee’s Soul Food in the ‘burg.

So, is it possible for me to say I’m pissed off by all of this without sounding racist? Because in my mind all of these media outlets are the ones being racist, trying to make this something that is only meaningful to black people. To that I say bullshit, we ALL elected him, remember? What made him so successful was that he was able to connect with people across boundaries, that’s the whole point. Besides, he’s only Halfrican American.

American media, seriously, stop trying to make Obama the president of black people and embrace him as the President of us all.

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My all time favorite local way-too-hyper-and-clearly-on-drugs anchor Russell Rhodes was arrested Friday after acting way-too-hyper-and-clearly-on-drugs. And how might that type of behavior manifest itself? In this case it would be erratic driving, unbuttoned pants, acting intoxicated, attempting to run away, arm flailing and breaking his fall to the ground with his face.

Around 10:15 p.m., an off-duty deputy with the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office spotted a 2006 BMW 325i driving recklessly in a Channelside public parking garage… The deputy stopped the BMW and the driver, Rhodes, got out with his belt undone and his pants unbuttoned, though they were still up. Rhodes appeared to be intoxicated… He had his car key in his right hand, and when deputies tried to take it, he began waving his hands to keep them from taking it…

Excellent work, Russell. And seriously, ouch on the face. Two things that will quickly put an end to a career in television news: arrests and busted faces. Unfortunately, this is a double whammy Mr. Rhodes! Anyone got any theories on the pants? For a normal person I’d assume he ate too many ribs and simply unbuttoned his pants to get some air. In the case of Russ, though, I’m thinking he might have been chokin’ the chicken, pullin’ the pud, bashin’ the bishop, playin’ the pocket pool, spankin’ the monkey, adjustin’ the antenna, playin’ the organ, badgerin’ the witness, slappin’ pappy, fondlin’ the fisherman, roughin’ up the suspect, shakin’ hands with beef, etc.

I had the pleasure of being on the television with Mr. Rhodes years ago, and the one thing I remember from it is this: dude must be doing coke. He showed up before 5 am and had all the weird, hyper, sketchy traits of a fiend - he even kept leaving, going to the van and coming back repeatedly. I’d call this one of those sooner or later types of stories, the clock was ticking for poor Russell and as soon as he took his pants off in the car it was only a matter of time.

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I think I’ve been relatively transparent when it comes to my feelings about Lex Salisbury and the zoo debacle. Additionally I called the fact that the dude was doing sketchy shit ages ago. Now it is time to make another prediction:

This Bob Merritt dude is totally guilty

I’m not totally sure what he’s guilty of yet, but let’s look at the facts:

1. Our boy Bobby just resigned as Chairman of the zoo, claiming he totally was planning to anyway, but he stuck around to provide his invaluable guidance through the turmoil.
2. Our boy Bobby has had previous experience failing at invaluable guidance - you know, like when he jumped ship from Outback. Of particular interest in that case was the fact that he cited an “esoteric set of accounting rules” for making his job just too damn hard for him to take.
3. You may recall Bobby headed up an audit of Lex in September, saying all along the way that everything seemed to be kosher with Lex stealing money and animals from the zoo. (Yes, stealing. If you’re thinking about posting a comment saying I don’t know shit about shit, save it.)
4. Related to the above point, you might also recall that the city audit basically found the exact opposite.

Here’s where I hastily add things up using bogus math to prove my totally biased point. Bobby = fucked up at Outback, publicly blaming legal requirements that made him accountable for the handling of money. Bobby = fucked up at the internal audit of Lex Salisbury. Ergo, Bobby = totally knew what was going on at the zoo, totally had something to do with the $200,000 that Lex cost the zoo for his personal menagerie and is totally bailing right now in hopes that the audit will end before all of this becomes clear. Totally.

Bonus fun fact! Search Google for “lex salisbury” - the number one result is none other than Lex Salisbury sucks at zoos here on the Splog. You’re welcome, Lex!

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We just covered the WTFiness of BayWalk, but it looks like this is going to be a never-ending well of shenanigans. Looks like the court appointed property manager might have just possibly embezzled a little money at his last job… doh! But, come on, what’s $171,000 among friends?

According to Pinellas sheriff’s detectives, Rosenthal double-billed Clearwater real estate company Colliers Arnold for more than $140,000 in advertising costs before resigning in August 2008. He also used company money to pay off country club dues, travel expenses for himself and his wife and nearly $700 in hotel movie charges, detectives said.

Seriously, dude, how fucking stupid are you? And then the dude has the balls to say that he had really hoped he could stay on as property manager, ’cause you know, other than a tiny bit of dishonesty he’s a rather trustworthy fellow!

There are two bits of good news here. First, the almighty Google indicates that our boy J. Hunter Swearingen (a trust fund baby name if I’ve ever heard one) seems to have about 0 experience doing anything that the world might give a shit about. No news is good news, though, right? Second, and more importantly, a public auction is set for Feb. 13 for the property. That’s right, kids, your chance to play pretend property manager and embezzle your own money is rapidly approaching!

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No worries kiddies, I was taking an interweb vacation but I’m back. Looks like the Nude Nite Art Show deadline is rapidly approaching and I figured some of you out there might want to sign up to hang your danglies in Tampa in the name of art. Actually, I don’t want to think about your danglies, but this sounded interesting so I figured I’d pass it along.

First, here’s the sales pitch:

Since 1997, Nude Nite is a juried art exhibition with hundreds of artists celebrating the body beautiful by creating a bazaar-like atmosphere of artistic talents not only in photographs and paintings, but also in live body painting, sensual performances, shapely sculpture and experimental installations. The abundance of imagery makes Nude Nite a “must-see event.”

I’m a little frightened by the concept of sensual performances, but I sure hope it involves the Senator in his nighty.

If this sounds like something you’d like to be involved with, the submission deadline is February 4 and you can download the application here. Oh, and it goes without saying that the site is potentially NSFW, so be careful little ones! The event itself is February 26-28 in Ybor and will run you $20.

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That right kids, ’tis Thursday and time to plan the weekend. Here are a few events that might be worth checking out:

I <3 St. Pete Show
ARTPool, Saturday 6 pm - 12 am
I still haven’t made it to this place, and I’m not 100% sold on it just yet, but this show looks like it is going to be good. Blue Lucy, Bask and Chris Parks are showing, so that shouldn’t suck. Speaking of which, Chris Parks’ ass won the Reax cover contest with his mad balls.

Sunshine City Antiques & Collectibles Show
Coliseum, Fri. 5 - 8 pm, Sat. and Sun. 10 am - 5 pm
I’m totally an antiques fag, go ahead and laugh. This is always a good show with furniture, art, jewelry, pottery, vintage clothing, etc.

Cigar City Tattoo Convention
The Cuban Club, Thursday-Saturday
This looks like it might not suck, and if it does you can at least catch Jim Rose playing MC.

Gallery Walk
Central Ave., Saturday 5:30 - 9 pm
Looks like this will be kicking up again, happens the second Saturday of every month and features about a dozen downtown galleries open late for art and culture and shit.

Art in the Park
Williams Park, Saturday 10 am - 3 pm
Not sure how this will work out but it’ll be art, vendors, music, performers and food in a park more well known for other things. For extra fun drop by Friday night to see the St. Pete PD forcibly removing the homeless.

If you’ve got other shit to add, just leave ‘em in the comments.

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GODDAMN YOU BARACK OBAMA! Seriously, this kind of story can only unfold in St. Petersburg, or to be fair in Florida. Obamania appears to have spread to an alarming degree, now causing honky-as-they-come white dudes to claim they are black. No, I’m not kidding.

Bill Foster and Scott Wagman both want to be the city’s first black mayor. There’s just one problem. They’re both white.

Uh, what now?! Are these assholes serious? Wow… another new low for politics in the ‘burg. Whether they’re joking or not this is precisely the kind of thing that we do not need right now. There are two honest to goodness African Americans running for mayor, why not elect one of them? Although, scratch that, if you’re one of those idiots that votes based on race or sex of the candidate just stay home that day.

This struck me as a bit troubling as well, although I admit I may be reading too much into it:

Both candidates also recently expanded their roles in the local NAACP: Foster, a lawyer, will provide legal advice. Wagman, a real estate broker, offered his economic development expertise.

Saying that you’re involved with the black community means that you provide legal advice (since they are always in legal trouble) and economic development (since they are so poor)? I mean, good, I think you should be more involved - but hanging your hat on those things seems a little odd in comparison to being involved with something like the Midtown project.

I’ve also got to dish out a “tsk, tsk” to Rep. Darryl Rouson. Instead of setting these modern day blackface jackholes straight, he fueled the fire by saying Wagman might try a generous douse of self-tanner. Dude, Darryl, turn your balls on and tell this dipshit the last thing we need in a town that seems to forget about our long history of racial issues (ahem, riot anyone?) is this kind of horseshit. I mean, sweet baby Jesus, we can’t even get through a tampabay.com story without a racist comment.

While we’re discussing the merits of these two outstanding candidates let us not forget that in addition to being black, Bill Foster has a colorful history of bat-shit-craziness with creationism. That’s right, folks, I’m pretty sure he’s not the kind of dude we want running the show. Scott Wagman hasn’t announced his feelings on dinosaurs, but that’s probably because he’s been too busy doing NOTHING RELATED TO RUNNING A CITY. Sorry bro, running a real estate company after a few years at the family paint business doesn’t quite prepare you. Besides, isn’t it a bunch of real estate doucheholes that got us into this mess with all the half built condos and empty blocks downtown? No thanks, brody.

Remember kids, there are 4 city council seats up for grabs in addition to the mayorship. Also recall that we have an alarmingly white group of folks running this joint. So does this mean we’ll just keep being lead by a bunch of crackers, despite the fact that nearly a quarter of our residents are African American, but now they’ll all refer to themselves as black?

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On account of the fact that I had the interweb time machine fired up yesterday for the McRory’s post I thought it might be good to talk about the Comfort Station, also known as the most awesome public restroom in St. Petersburg.

The Romanesque dookie house was built in 1927 and shares a particularly similar design to St. Mary’s Church, which you can see on the right courtesy of Flickr user HexBlock (who also provided the image above). Both buildings were designed by Henry Taylor, who also designed the Vinoy and Admiral Farragut Academy.

Rumor has it that Taylor did not feel that he was paid appropriately for his work on St. Mary’s and in retaliation designed the public restroom to be a miniature version of the church. His wife later said that wasn’t the case, but you’ve got to admit they look pretty damn similar. I like to think Taylor was making a statement, his very own 1920’s version of a Piss Christ.

Even though it seems you could easily disprove the rumor by looking at the dates, the rumor persists. We know for sure that the Comfort Station was built in 1927 while St. Mary’s was built in 1929. This would seem to indicate that the Little St. Mary’s rumor isn’t true. However, according to the history of St. Mary’s, Taylor started work for the church in 1924 with a rectory a few blocks away. It is possible that the design was completed years before the church was built, which is enough for me to enjoy the thought of some dude making a tiny poop version of the great church.

Fun Fact: the church was built for a measly $129,000. I’ll take two, please!

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I was strolling along on Flickr and came across a cool old postcard looking east along Central between 4th and 5th Street. Downtown was just a completely different beast back in the days, check out all the activity, people and stores - hell, there’s even a hotel down there. I’ve always loved the McCrory’s sign from the building’s heyday as a thriving five and dime, so I figured dusting off the old interweb time machine might be fun.

For bearings you’re looking at the Snell building (aka the Rutland building) peeking over the top of the vertical McCrory’s sign there, which is easier to make out in the full size image. That sign is of course still there and what’s even awesomer is that the neon of the Hotel Alden sign remains as well (although the black paint behind it has since vanished). Below is another view looking the other direction where you can see more of the Snell building on the right.

Another thing you can see in this photo is the Kress building next door, which you may recognize since the ghost of the Kress logo still appears on the backside of the building. The Kress building itself was actually listed on the National Registrar of Historic Places in 2001, which I wish had happened to more of Central.

And last but not least, one more awesome postcard of the same block, this time with the Rutland Department Store sign which sheds some light on where the building got its name. These days it is more often referred to as the Snell building on account of developer C. Perry Snell (yep, Snell Isle) who built it in 1926. Fun fact: not only is the building itself on the National Registrar of Historic Places, the cupola is a National Geodetic Survey benchmark. For you non-geocaching nerds that would be “a point whose position is known to a high degree of accuracy and is normally marked in some way… used by land surveyors, builders and engineers, map makers, and other professionals” and more recently by nerds with GPS.

I think my favorite part of this last one is the Fountain Lunch sign. Can you imagine rolling to Walgreens or CVS to get lunch? Man, it was so much cooler back then.

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