Holy shit. My favorite incipiently type 2 diabetic sex slave contractor is in the news again. You know, Master Drew, aka Andrew Kobak, aka Heatmiser, aka Lunchbox, aka that guy who lured a mentally-disturbed 19 year old down to Florida in order to make her his sex slave. This story bothered me so much that I had to write about it twice (here, and here). Seriously, that dude owes me some space back in my brain. That shit is at a premium to begin with at this point, and personally, I’d rather continue to be able to rattle off the name of every Ramones drummer than have instant recall of the sixteen felonies with which Kobak was charged. Marky, Richie, Elvis . . . aw, nevermind.

Anyway, yeah, Drewballs apparently plead out of the charges against him. Wait, what? How the fuck does that even happen? The last I checked, just sitting on the prosecutor until he or she cries uncle doesn’t really cut it in the realm of plea bargaining. Did he name names? Maybe he’s just really persuasive, I mean, he is a Master, after all.

I think there’s another reason entirely. We here at the Splog got sent an exclusive scan of a section of the “contract” betweem Kobak and his victim. Check it:

Do you see what I see? That’s right. Comic Sans, bitches! No contract written in Comic Sans can be binding. I rest my case, your honor.

Seriously, I’m starting a petition to change the Florida state tree from the diseased Sabal Palm to the FACEPALM. *zing* I’ll be here all night. Try the veal. *facepalm*

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Man, this is the ultimate lazy post. I already covered the suspension of Caliente Resorts from the American Association for Nude Recreation, and now the relationship has been severed. That isn’t the funny, though, the funny is the breaking news blog’s choice of words:

Caliente Resort pulled out of the American Association for Nude Recreation, following an investigation into sexually charged monthly parties at the club organized by a swingers group with Caliente’s blessing, the association said Monday.

ZOMFGLOLROFLCOPTER. High five to Times staff writer Chuin-Wei Yap.

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Hey, kids, do you read the news? Are you aware that some dirty foreigners now own one of America’s greatest companies? That’s right, Belgium-based InBev is now the proud owner of Anheuser-Busch, makers of such fine beers as Bud Light Lime, Chelada and Natty Ice.

I should make it clear that I usually avoid Anheuser-Busch products as far as beer goes, unless I’m desperate. But, it is rather shocking to see a 156 year old family owned company sell to a totally not American nor family owned company. I mean, hell, the Busch family didn’t even agree on it.

This story isn’t about America being purchased by terrorists, though… hahaha, I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish that sentence without laughing. Can you imagine Belgian terrorists? That shit is funny. No, this story is about the fact that InBev is not interested in stupid theme parks and may be looking to unload the 10 parks, which obviously include our own Busch Gardens, Adventure Island and Orlando’s Sea World. I love this line about the parks:

They always have been regarded as part of Busch’s marketing to make beer appear more family friendly and the company socially responsible.

Haha, family friendly beer sounds awesome. Come here, son, let daddy show you how to shotgun a beer. Responsibly. Here’s some history for you:

August Busch Jr., who kept a home in St. Pete Beach when his St. Louis Cardinals wintered in the bay area, opened Busch Gardens next to his new Tampa brewery in 1959.

Disneyland opened in 1955, so Busch was only a few years behind the birth of American theme parks - that’s pretty awesome. Sad to see it go, I’m a huge Disney geek and Busch has actually impressed the shit out of me with their ability to run quality parks and even have a better Halloween event than Universal.

The most logical purchaser would be Six Flags, but those bastards are tanking with their stocks trading at 77 cents. You may remember that Six Flags actually owned a park called Atlantis in Hollywood, FL for a very short time which doesn’t exist any more. With them out of the picture I’m not sure who is going to drop $4.6B, unless we can start a campaign to raise the dough and be the proud new owners of a handful of slightly used theme parks. Anyone in?

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Or, at least it appears to be with news of two cab robberies early this morning - one of which ended with the driver being shot. What the hell?! Combine that with the purse snatching attempt the Splog crew was party to in front of the Independent last weekend and it sure looks like a crime wave to me!

Seriously, though, let’s have a little heart to heart regarding robbery. Consider this some free advice should you decide that a life of crime is in your future. This is pretty simple, just a few things to remember:

Good robbery targets: Banks (they have lots of money), rich people’s houses (ditto on the money), Check cashing establishments (once again with the money).

Bad robbery targets: Cab drivers (seriously, how much cash can they really have?), individual purses (ditto on the limited cash)

Here’s the thing, people: St. Pete is not the kind of city where there are a ton of cab drivers raking in a ton of money, it is just too damn sprawly. I’m sure on the weekends the handful of hard workers make a pretty penny off of the drunk assholes downtown who need a ride back to their big ass houses in Old Northeast, but that’s the exception.

Try harder criminal dudes, try harder. Or, wait… no, that’s not good advice. Go try harder in Tampa. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

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On the fourth Blissday of every month, the Whos gathered around the magistrate for a lesson in social etiquette.  It had been this way as long as anyone could remember.  None of us ever wanted to be cornered by the magistrate, but it was bound to happen one day, and it usually went something like this:

“And you, Danny Who.  What would you do if a Wimbush bumped into you?”

“I’d befoozle her slimper, and then I’d blatten her crumper!”

Turning to the other child, the magistrate asked, “And you, Franny Who, what would you do if you were Bumped by a Bumpers?”

“I’d weefle her blosten and smidgen her woofus!”

Or, if you’re Pamela Bumpers, who did in fact Bump into a Wimbush, Jacqueline Wimbush to be precise, maybe you’d just start a fight and bite off the tip of her finger.  Like, ouch.  Just the tip, though.  Ahem.  Remind me not to take any risky plane trips over the Andes with Pamela Bumpers.  I have to say, however, this is really a step up from her previous arrests for driving on a suspended license.  It’s a step down for her hair, though.  It looked a lot better when she got booked in February.  Oh no I didn’t.

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PROTIP: If you’re going to drive like a complete asshole, it’s probably best to not do it in a car that’s got your cute little business logo and URL slapped on the back of it.  Adding a vanity plate with your business name on it is really just compounding the problem.  Having that plate actually be the Florida John Lennon “Imagine” plate adds a dimension of absurdity to all this that makes my head hurt.

So yeah, here’s looking at you, owner lady of Qrubini.com.  The last time I saw you, you and your professional entitlement mobile - also known as a silver Cadillac DTS - were riding my ass on 275 and FLASHING YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS at me in what I imagine was a morse-coded request that I either a) begin ramming the car in front of me so that I could create enough space for you to get to THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD on time, or b) side swipe the car next to me in order to get myself in a position to let you pass me so that you could, again, get to THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD.

This was on Sunday.  You remember Sunday, right?  It was raining.  Hard.  I was trapped under a balcony in Ybor for part of that storm, and it was raining and gusting so hard that the beads left over from the 4th festivities were being blown off balconies.  That’s right.  It was raining fucking mardi gras beads.  It continued to rain that hard most of the day, and that includes my little jaunt on 275 where I was going about 72 in a 65, which, while I’m no NASCAR enthusiast, seems to me to be a decent speed to be traveling in the left lane in the middle of a torrential downpour.  I guess THE MOST IMPORTANT SMALL BUSINESS OWNER IN THE WORLD didn’t think so.

Whatever, she finally fucked off down the road where I was able to watch her terrorize virtually every car with which she came into contact until she forked east off towards downtown.  That’s the best part.  That’s where I was going, and I ended up behind her at a light no less than fifteen seconds off her pace.  I guess all that light flashing paid off.

You should go check out her website.  I think you win a prize if you can actually find a business model.  This is my favorite part:

At QRubini our mission is to create a brand/label that is synonymous with a worthy lifestyle.  The adventure started with the design of a versatile logo, a logo that will be placed on a number of worthy products.  We believe as the world becomes smaller via technology and the globalization of trades, people will become more connected to the true flow of their money.

That’s some deep, meaningless shit right there.  Also, never underestimate the importance of coming up with a quality logo before you figure out what it is that you do.  Don’t miss this page, either, where whoever runs this thing has some “Ideas for Self Improvement (things to do to increase your patience level).”  No, seriously.

Whatever, I think the business is something about dresses that make little girls feel good that may or may not involve the exploitation of Nicaraguan seamstresses.  I’m glad to see that there seems to be a charitable component to the whole enterprise, because the person who runs it probably creates a vortex of karmic suck every time she gets in a car.

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That’s right kiddies, time to clear out the Splog warehouse and make room for more dead hookers. For a limited time you can pick up a Splog shirt for only $10. Tell your friends! These are American Apparel beauties (the gray one is a tri-blend, soooooo soft) with custom tags, badass artwork and enough ‘burg cred to get you into the most exclusive St. Pete hotspots (think Wilson’s Lounge). Act now, Merchline operators are standing by!

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We’ve covered paranormality before, but that pales in comparison to the big ball of awesome that will be rolling into Clearwater July 19th and 20th. That’s right kids, TAPSCON 2008 is about to knock your damn socks off.

If you find yourself asking “what is TAPSCON?”, begin by kicking yourself right in the damn junk. Then, do it one more time and read the following:

At its core, TAPSCON is a multi purpose gathering of influencial people in the world of ghosts & hauntings. Its a learning experience packed with informative presentations, demos, displays, music, paranormal celebrities and much more. Its a place to kick back and have a great time. Its unlike any paranormal gathering of its kind.

Yeah, that’s right, it involves GHOSTS and KICKING BACK while LEARNING and CELEBRITIES gather. Or something. Seriously, miss this and you might as well slap your mom right across the face for having you.

Seeing Blue Öyster Cult is worth it alone… wait, hang on… uh, “Join us at TAPSCON and enjoy our inclusive concert series featuring Underbelly (the original Blue Oyester Cult) and more!” Wait, that isn’t BÖC. Hell, a really lazy Googlejaunt shows nothing about Underbelly except that TAPSCON may be referencing the original name of BÖC, which was Soft White Underbelly. So you’re telling me that it isn’t BÖC, but instead 3 dudes that were part of the extremely shortlived band that predated BÖC? You lying sacks of shit, unless they tell me not to fear the reaper with Buck Dharma’s smoking riffs humping my earholes you MAY NOT CALL THEM BÖC.

At least ‘N Sync is still locked in… wait, hang on… “Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of ‘N Sync has teamed up with TAPSCON in an effort to raise money for less fortunate kids who aspire to follow their musical wishes.” Motherfuckers. Also, what the hell? Chris Kirkpatrick is raising money for music lessons via paranormal gatherings? Um, ok, that’s really friggin’ peculiar, but carry on.

I know for a FACT that Robert the Doll is in, though. You know, Robert, that super creepy doll that has resided down in Key West for over 100 years. He is most well known for torturing kids, staring creepily out of an attic window and generally wreaking paranormal havoc of all sorts. You know, a lot like the other inhabitants of Clearwater: the Scientologists!

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It’s that time again.

Image not to scale.

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What is it?  It’s GTA St. Pete, that’s what.  What master of overly compressed video clip art awesome do we have to thank for this?  This guy, who’s either a complete and utter genius, or he’s been eating lead paint chips since the age of seven.  It’s kind of a toss up, really.  In any event, remember kids, don’t huff gas.  Holy shit, don’t huff Axe Body Spray either.  The Intertron tells me this is a problem.  Wait what?  Yes, it’s so serious that the Axe site even responded with its own anti-huffing ads.  Axe would also like to remind you not to light yourself on fire, kids.

And just for shits, here’s a moment of St. Petersburg Pelican zen:

I for one welcome our pelican overlords. Seriously though, who hasn’t been to the pier and seen this in action and then been forever tormented by nightmares involving deadly pelican mobs? I can’t be the only one.  I don’t trust those birds.

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Saturday, July 5th at New World, kiddies. Dead Maids (akin to Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Sonic Youth and Explosions in the Sky) are coming all the way from the UK, attachedhands may or may not have Summerbirds somewhere in it, Joon sucks (sorry guys) and Petrograd in Transit is a “heavily buzzed instrumental outfit” according to THX MGMT.

So remember, Pale Horse first, then off to the NWB for a rocking good time.

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Guess what you’re doing on Saturday, July 5th? That’s right, you’re drinking free beer courtesy of Pale Horse under the guise of an art show! No, wait, that’s what we’ll be doing. You’ll be going to see another great art show put on by these lovely folks and scoping out some kickass graffiti.

The Energy Show will be featuring over 30 international graffiti artists focusing on technical and colorful graffiti lettering styles from artists such as Waf (Belgium), Cern (New York), Center (Florida) and Akut (Germany).

Saturday night is the opening reception which runs from 8:00 - 11:00 pm at Pale Horse (Corner of Central and MLK more or less). There is no cover, all ages are welcome and free drinks with proper ID. Also free is the opportunity to be seen with some of the hippest of the hip and the opportunity to say shit during future conversations with your friends about how Waf and Cern are some of your favorite street artists. Seriously, that shit will go a long way.

Oh, and while you’re there be sure to buy some shit. Hell, the badass skulltastic FL shirt at left is only $5. It will lend lots of cred to your Waf/Cern discussion if you throw in “I bought this shirt at a dope downtown art gallery that you probably wouldn’t know about, it is pretty exclusive.” Dude, you’re going to get chicks with that shit, I guarantee it.

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I’m not a huge fan of cross posting.  I mean, there are a lot of people around town who self identify as bloggers for whom cross posting seems like a truly legitimate Internet business model.  There’s nothing better than thinking you can get something for nothing except thinking you can get something for nothing without having to leave your house.  I’m sorry your pyramid scheme didn’t work out.  Yes, try blogging!  Better yet, start a blog about your MLM/Network Marketing scheme.

Anyhoo, long-standing Tampa icon of generally spazzy dance cool, Jeremy Gloff posted this over on his Reax blog, and it’s so freakin’ hilarious, I had to share.  Messing with the christians in Ybor?  Pure comedy gold.

I loves me some live-action Rickrolling. Oh yeah, did you know that Reax has a crap ton of blogs on its site?  It’s true.  You should go read them.  Some of them are swell.  Original content, too.  Shocking.

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Have ya’ll seen those douchey Segway® tours going on downtown? You know, the ones wherein douchey looking people with silly helmets ride the scooter that Dean Kamen predicted would be a world changing transportation revolution?

Anywho, here in Florida we embrace anyone with a grand idea and the ability to steal another person’s logo. And hell, if you’re going to steal a logo, go big. In fact, why not grab something hugely recognizable in the area like the Buccaneers flag?

Yeah, that’s nice, I like that. I mean, if it works for them it will work for you, right? I’m sure there’s no problem with just borrowing the flag. It might be nice, also, to go ahead and use the Bucs’ font as well.

Yes! That’s tits! See, people will associate all that built up good will they have with the Buccaneers brand and your shitty little tour company will seem familiar and trustworthy because of it. Dude, what if you put a really bad line drawing of a Segway® on the flag itself that is just a few lines away from being a penis!? HAHAHA. Man, THAT WOULD BE TITS!

Seriously, people, come on now. It is called trademark infringement, look it up. Try doing a Google or two at some point during your “business” planning. Oh, and you might want to hire a lawyer - incoming cease and desist!

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