Holy shit. My favorite incipiently type 2 diabetic sex slave contractor is in the news again. You know, Master Drew, aka Andrew Kobak, aka Heatmiser, aka Lunchbox, aka that guy who lured a mentally-disturbed 19 year old down to Florida in order to make her his sex slave. This story bothered me so much that I had to write about it twice (here, and here). Seriously, that dude owes me some space back in my brain. That shit is at a premium to begin with at this point, and personally, I’d rather continue to be able to rattle off the name of every Ramones drummer than have instant recall of the sixteen felonies with which Kobak was charged. Marky, Richie, Elvis . . . aw, nevermind.

Anyway, yeah, Drewballs apparently plead out of the charges against him. Wait, what? How the fuck does that even happen? The last I checked, just sitting on the prosecutor until he or she cries uncle doesn’t really cut it in the realm of plea bargaining. Did he name names? Maybe he’s just really persuasive, I mean, he is a Master, after all.

I think there’s another reason entirely. We here at the Splog got sent an exclusive scan of a section of the “contract” betweem Kobak and his victim. Check it:

Do you see what I see? That’s right. Comic Sans, bitches! No contract written in Comic Sans can be binding. I rest my case, your honor.

Seriously, I’m starting a petition to change the Florida state tree from the diseased Sabal Palm to the FACEPALM. *zing* I’ll be here all night. Try the veal. *facepalm*