I’m sure that none of you needs reminding that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. It’s really a horrible thing, and seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself. Do you know why mommy and daddy fight? It’s because you touch yourself. Global warming? You and your fapping are to blame. It’s no wonder that an act with such far-reaching ethical and climatological implications would drive one man to bring the enforcement of God’s masturbation policy to Florida.
It’s true; Clearwater resident James P. Gilley is accused of killing two kittens by throwing them to the ground. It’s all right here. The mugshot goodness is here, You’ll note that the dude was apparently booked the night before on domestic battery charges. Apparently, according to Jimbo there, you can beat on your wife, but don’t let him catch you beating anything else, or he’ll . . . well, you know.
What’s most disturbing about this story? Well, according to the ironclad logic of Internet memes, this means two things. Bay area residents really need to step it up in the spanking department, and, ZOMFG:
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That’s it, Gilley is going into The Book. And when the time comes, he will be dealt with in the appropriate way. Unless some right-minded citizen shanks him in jail first. Shankn’… yeahhh.
It’s a known fact that child molesters and kitten murderers suffer the worst in jail. I need to make some calls.
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