For sale: one used theme park

15 Jul

Posted by Casey in the In the News department.

Hey, kids, do you read the news? Are you aware that some dirty foreigners now own one of America’s greatest companies? That’s right, Belgium-based InBev is now the proud owner of Anheuser-Busch, makers of such fine beers as Bud Light Lime, Chelada and Natty Ice.

I should make it clear that I usually avoid Anheuser-Busch products as far as beer goes, unless I’m desperate. But, it is rather shocking to see a 156 year old family owned company sell to a totally not American nor family owned company. I mean, hell, the Busch family didn’t even agree on it.

This story isn’t about America being purchased by terrorists, though… hahaha, I’m sorry, I couldn’t even finish that sentence without laughing. Can you imagine Belgian terrorists? That shit is funny. No, this story is about the fact that InBev is not interested in stupid theme parks and may be looking to unload the 10 parks, which obviously include our own Busch Gardens, Adventure Island and Orlando’s Sea World. I love this line about the parks:

They always have been regarded as part of Busch’s marketing to make beer appear more family friendly and the company socially responsible.

Haha, family friendly beer sounds awesome. Come here, son, let daddy show you how to shotgun a beer. Responsibly. Here’s some history for you:

August Busch Jr., who kept a home in St. Pete Beach when his St. Louis Cardinals wintered in the bay area, opened Busch Gardens next to his new Tampa brewery in 1959.

Disneyland opened in 1955, so Busch was only a few years behind the birth of American theme parks - that’s pretty awesome. Sad to see it go, I’m a huge Disney geek and Busch has actually impressed the shit out of me with their ability to run quality parks and even have a better Halloween event than Universal.

The most logical purchaser would be Six Flags, but those bastards are tanking with their stocks trading at 77 cents. You may remember that Six Flags actually owned a park called Atlantis in Hollywood, FL for a very short time which doesn’t exist any more. With them out of the picture I’m not sure who is going to drop $4.6B, unless we can start a campaign to raise the dough and be the proud new owners of a handful of slightly used theme parks. Anyone in?

7 Responses

Justin E

July 15th, 2008 at 8:51 am

How about the Rays move there and open Rays Baseball Land?
Doug E Fluffy

July 15th, 2008 at 12:32 pm

ill let my rollercoaster nerdyness speak up here. more than likely, because no one could purchase the parks, not Six Flags, not Cedar Fair, no Universal and certainly not Disney, there is a very good possibility that the parks would operate as a free standing entity. The only disadvantage would be losing the Busch moniker.

But besides, as long as the parks remain profitable, id say they would remain under the Busch umbrella. they are posting a profit after all, which is all a company the size of InBev really cares about.

and honestly, if that means having InBev options like Hoegaarden and Stella available atBusch Gardens instead of the nasty stable of Anheiser products, then i say i welcome our new Belgian overlords!
Doug E Fluffy

July 15th, 2008 at 12:34 pm

oh, and Six Flags still has a park in Atlanta. which is awesome. ok, im done.
Justin E

July 15th, 2008 at 1:08 pm

I like the part about the better beer options. When I puke on someone after a good loop, it’s always a bonus to have the puke come from quality ingredients. Seriously.
Casey

July 15th, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Cedar Fair (who has one of the awesomer stock symbols - FUN) is trading at just shy of $17, which isn’t too terrible considering how things are going these days. Of course that was just south of $30 earlier in the year, but hey, everything sucks right now (thanks President Bush!!!). And no Universal or Disney for sure. I still think we should buy it.
Doug E Fluffy

July 15th, 2008 at 3:05 pm

yeah casey, thats what the world needs. a theme park ran by jaded hipsters.

i can see it now.

all the employees would be required to be emaciated, pale and sporting beards. we could rename the rides to iconic indie albums that only Pitchfork devotees would find funny (”Raise Yr Arms Say Wheeee!”). we would only serve PBR in the can and completely inedible vegan snacks. and all game booth prizes would consist of either obscure 7″ singles, spiked stud bracelets or oversized belt buckles.

And that doesnt even begin to address the ironic musical revues that would be take place daily on the various stages around the park (”80s Hair Metal Tshirts-The Musical!”).

sign. me. up. yo.
Lyndon

July 15th, 2008 at 7:50 pm

I wish those fucks would shave their beards already.