This news sucks for people that really like shit food, shit service and shit. Er, something. Actually it sucks more for the employees, sorry dudes.

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Uh, yeah.  Audio Labs rehearsal space over at 2101 W Hillsborough Ave got broken into at some point last night/early this morning.  How do I know this?  I have my finger on the pulse of the Bay Area’s criminal underworld, that’s how.  Those of you who know anything about the ultra white hot post-rock scene in this city probably also know that Audio Labs is the home of Petrograd in Transit, as well as a whole crapload of other good Tampa bands.  Well, ok, there’s the requisite overabundance of Cookie Monster Brutal Viking Metal bands in there, too, but I guess a crime like this makes us all brothers and sisters.  Or something.

Somewhere around nine rooms got broken into.  Cut locks.  Broken doors.  And one sad, mostly useless surveillance camera more or less put out of its misery.  I don’t know everything that got stolen.  My beer got stolen, for starters.  One thing I do know for sure that was stolen was Petrograd in Transit’s bass player’s bass.  This is no ordinary bass, people.  It’s a vintage Kramer bass with an aluminum neck and a split headstock.  That shit is space age, and it looks exaclty like this:

Since I know like 75% of our readers run pawn shops and music stores, please be on the lookout for this bass.  Alternately, if you happen to spend a lot of time playing Wii Fit with your tweaker neighbor and you see this thing on the floor of his double wide, punch out his one remaining tooth and bring the bass back to the studio.

There’s a special ring of hell reserved just for people who steal from musicians.  It smells like burnt popcorn all the fucking time, and you’re damned to spend eternity head first in G.G. Allin’s ass (which, incidentally, also smells like burnt popcorn).

Jesus, Tampa; this is why we can’t have nice things.

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Today’s great moment in local Craigslist ads is brought to you by Bernard, an older classic rock drummer, who apparently missed his true calling as a comedian, and has settled on Craigslist as the stage upon which he chooses to exercise his irrepressible talents.  Just a taste:

I’m not doing this for side money to hide from the wife, if I had one, or to pay the rent, or to escape from the wife and have a few beers. I’m doing this for pride in a job well done, for fun, for sheer pleasure, sort of like having really, really good sex, although i forget what thats like. It’s kind of like having a Musically Transmitted Disease, and wanting to give it to everybody else!?

Um, eww.  Holy crap.  Is this thing on?  Can you imagine spending five minutes in a room with that guy?  Well if you can, and you like to make music that sounds like Cream and Melissa Etheridge, you need to contact this dude.  For reals.

Gooder Druhmmer Uh-vail-uh-bull! Iz that Spelld Write??! (tampa area)

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When the Rays new stadium push was put on hold there was promise of a coalition designed to… well, it was never clear exactly what they were designed to do. However, it is becoming much clearer with the launch of abc-baseball.com.

The coalition, officially called A Baseball Community, Inc., is looking to load its Board up with pro-new-stadium folks that can help move the project along.

Those opposed to building any new stadium for the Rays aren’t wanted, said coalition chairman and Progress Energy chief executive Jeff Lyash.

I was, naively, under the impression the coalition would be composed of both proponents and opponents to a new stadium that would come together and figure out what is best for the Rays, the city and us. Yes, I know, stupid me. Anywho, a couple of interesting things to note here:

• Holy shit, that site is actually well designed. Must have been done by someone out of state. If anyone knows who designed it, leave a comment.
• The domain name is owned by Nancy E. Loehr, aka the Progress Energy Community Relations Manager. Yeah, PR flak. Oddly enough she used her Hotmail account, send Nancy some love!
• It isn’t news that the coalition is headed up by Progress Energy CEO Jeff Lyash, but it is beginning to look like his involvement isn’t as an individual, but as a rep of Progress Energy.
• Al Lang = Progress Energy Park, yes? No clue what the details of that are, but it would seem it would be in Progress Energy’s best interests to build that new park.
• The site does not have any official Rays affiliation, instead trying to come off as some sort of independent “grassroots” campaign. Um. Right. Check out the footer of majorleaguedowntown.com - Paid electioneering communication paid for by Tampa Bay Rays Baseball Ltd. They had to do that legally since it was becoming a ballot issue, now that it isn’t they can go back to pulling strings from behind a fake grassroots site.
• They’ll be taking donations. Yeah, that’s right, donations. A site that appears to be a corporate tool (hi Progress Energy!) will be taking your money to, well, to offset the cost of them getting their way.

And come the fuck on Jeff Lyash, saying shit like this isn’t fooling anyone:

This is a better process because it’s led by the community, and it has broader representation

You’ve indicated that you are looking only for people who are committed to a new stadium. What exactly do you mean by broader representation? Not buying it.

The most important thing you need to take from this, though, is this: the site is well designed. We here at the Splog really don’t give a shit about shit UNLESS it is well designed. Then we’re behind whatever it is you’re selling. We’ll take two.

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It’s bad enough that you drive that thing, but a crappy turning radius isn’t an excuse for lazy ass parking.  Back it up and try again, sparky.  Maybe next time spring for the model that comes with an entire airplane landing crew.

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I’m sure that none of you needs reminding that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.  It’s really a horrible thing, and seriously, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Do you know why mommy and daddy fight?  It’s because you touch yourself.  Global warming?  You and your fapping are to blame.  It’s no wonder that an act with such far-reaching ethical and climatological implications would drive one man to bring the enforcement of God’s masturbation policy to Florida.

It’s true; Clearwater resident James P. Gilley is accused of killing two kittens by throwing them to the ground.  It’s all right here.  The mugshot goodness is here,  You’ll note that the dude was apparently booked the night before on domestic battery charges.  Apparently, according to Jimbo there, you can beat on your wife, but don’t let him catch you beating anything else, or he’ll . . . well, you know.

What’s most disturbing about this story?  Well, according to the ironclad logic of Internet memes, this means two things.  Bay area residents really need to step it up in the spanking department, and, ZOMFG:

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Well, more precisely: what 100,000 people look like from the rooftop Mariott pool while you are drinking free alcohol amongst the beautiful people at the Red Bull VIP party. Yeah, that’s right, that’s how we roll.

This post isn’t actually about how awesome my life is, though. No, this post is a congratulations to the bay area. I was shocked to hear that Red Bull was planning a Flugtag event here and I was so very scared that we’d fuck it up like we fuck up so many things. But you know what? People showed up! That’s right, the bay area represented and Tampa actually looked like a real city with tons of people flooding the water, walkways and rooftops of downtown. This is a proud day my friends. Top it off with a local team (Tampa Baywatch) taking the victory and I say that’s a day full of WIN.

The Times is currently reporting 35,000 people there, but 100,000 sounds more impressive and from where I was standing with my arms around gorgeous Red Bull girls I’ll tell you this much: it was a fuckload of people.

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You may have noticed that Friday’s tend to be our lazy ass day, often featuring lazy ass YouTube links. Today is no different except that the level of awesome displayed in the videos of the James/Miller Family Reunions held in St. Petersburg is off the charts. As far as I can figure, the James/Miller Family is a talented bunch of people that seem to work a talent show into their clearly fun-filled reunions over the years. The gem below is from the 1994 reunion (boy was that a crazy one). Keep an eye on their channel, it looks like someone is digitizing a bunch of old tapes and I guarantee there is more WIN to be had.

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Let me start out by saying that State Media fucking sucks at promoting shows. Seriously, what the hell? I’m just now finding out about Slick Rick playing the State tomorrow and the shit isn’t even listed on their site? People, come on, try a little harder.

Fortunately, though, the great news that Rick the Ruler will be in the ‘burg almost makes me forget the suckitude. That’s right, Slick Motherfucking Rick, aka Ricky D, aka Rick the Ruler. Tickets are $20 ahead of time (although your guess is as good as mine where you buy them) and $25 at the door.

Splog Slick Rick Fun Facts:

• The eye patch is actually functional! He’s blind in that shit.
• He was recently pardoned of attempted murder charges that have been haunting him since 1990.
• Attempting to deport his ass (related to the 1990 charges), INS officials snagged him in the middle of a live performance on a Florida cruise ship.

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Le sigh.

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There’s been lots of talk about this and we here at the Splog think it is our duty to keep you abreast of the latest. We scour countless news sources for the stories that affect your life, sources like ElectricNet. ElectricNet broke the news yesterday (and by “broke the news” I mean they posted a press release from Progress Energy) that Levy County is looking very much like the new home of 2 nuclear power plants.

Granted this news doesn’t guarantee they’ll be built, that will be left up to Progress Energy, however it definitely paves the way. You may be thinking “where the hell is Levy County?!” to which I would respond “what are you, a complete idiot?!” Levy County is of course home to major cities like Bronson, Yankeetown, Otter Creek and Lebanon Junction. Seriously, what a dumb question for you to ask.

The heart of Levy is roughly 130 miles north of us, not terribly far away. There were cases of cancer related to the Chernobyl disaster reported as far as 310 miles away. Doh! But hey, what could go wrong, this is Florida we’re talking about!

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Wow. Let’s just start with that. Wow. Let’s also start with two important facts. First, I have no problem with gay people. Second, I am not a fan of people dying in motorcycle accidents. Got it? Great, now on to the wow.

It looks like the FHP is taking steps to attempt to address the uptick in motorcycle fatalities that some are blaming on an increase in bikers due to higher gas prices. This is good news, that’s precisely what the FHP should do. Certainly there are some obvious things that I can think of that they might try (helmet law, anyone?!), but this here is Florida and in Florida doing the obvious thing is crazy talk. Instead the FHP has announced their new safety campaign called “Ride Proud. Dress Loud.” No, no, stop laughing, I’m serious.

It looks like someone thought the most logical way to address the problem is to convince bikers, who traditionally wear nothing but black, that wearing 80s neon chaps will be their salvation. Seriously, quit laughing, this is for real. Now certainly “Ride Proud. Dress Loud.” is a tad easier than the original name (”Motorcycle Conspicuity” - for serious), but dudes… you are doing it wrong.

They started off with a list of helpful tips which include such gems as:

While inconspicuous black clothing may be in fashion, it offers little visibility on roadways.

Right, let me throw out my collection of all black gear immediately, good idea. Or perhaps you could just replace your bike!

Motorcyclists can purchase a brightly-colored bike from the factory for higher visibility.

If this stuff doesn’t seem out of touch, check out the ads to the right. No, I didn’t Photoshop these, they actually contain incredibly homoerotic taglines like “Great Balls of Fire” and “Green Eyed Monster.” WTF!? Do they have any clue who their audience is? I mean “Good Morning Sunshine” is your best effort to reach bikers?! Let me know how that works out for you.

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You know, we get a lot of tips around here. There’s a lot of WIN in St. Pete, and people like to send us emails pointing that out to us. There’s nothing we do better than pointing out what’s right with St. Pete. Well, ok, we do some of that, and I swear we’re trying to get better at it. Anyway, it would be physically impossible to write posts about all the crappy local websites we encounter on a daily basis.

Every now and again, though, we get sent something special. Take the site for local technology-related something or other business CCID Technologies. Seriously, go check that shit out. I love this site. What’s great about the interwebs is that sometimes people just leave shit up that’s been there since 1997. I remember 1997 fondly. It was back then that putty-colored things in the IT world meant “serious business,” and when having a site that was black, white, and red meant that you were probably trying to subtly suggest that you were somehow allied with CompUSA, which also meant: Serious business - serious enough for you to grab a photo of a serious-looking putty-colored set up with three high tech CRT monitors and use it as your site banner. If you were rocking a three CRT set up in 1997 it definitely meant “serious busines.”

I’m not going to lie. I was there, and this site takes me right back and makes me feel a little nostalgic. I’m so glad this has stayed up since 1997. Wait, what? Copyright 2005? Oh. Well maybe the site’s been up since 1997 and they just updated the copyright info. Hmmm, apparently not. A look here shows that the code snippet they used in their banner to show, you know, that they code mad CSS is from a Myspace theme. Wow. You know, seriously, nothing says “check out my ninja coding skills” like a snippet from a Myspace theme. The fact that the background image is hosted at ImageShack is really just icing.

I just can’t stop myself sometimes. Ahem. Those of you watching at home will notice that the menu is composed entirely of individually rendered Flash animations. No, seriously, there’s a separate .swf for each tab. Why did I never think of that? Click here if you’d like to go home. Dude, your house is HUGE.

At least the logo says TECH. Serious tech.

Wait a minute. Where have I seen that font before? Oh, right.

Serious android tech. I knew that site was designed by robots. Who else would greet you with, “Welcome valued individual”?

I sense serious win in the font sector. What do you guys think?

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This is even lazier than the original lazy post. I posted yesterday about Times staff writer Chuin-Wei Yap using the term “pulls out” in a story about Caliente Resorts. Looks like between posting it to the Breaking News blog and turning it into a legit story Chuin-Wei pussied out.

Breaking News blog intro:

Caliente Resort pulled out of the American Association for Nude Recreation…

New intro:

Caliente Resort pulled its affiliation late Friday with the American Association for Nude Recreation…

I want my high five back, Chuin-Wei Yap.

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