In case you didn’t know, tbo.com has this odd repository of stats pulled from its own archive called the “Data Bay.”  This already pleases me.  Why?  Beause it makes it sound like it’s from fucking Star Trek, that’s why.  Sure, all you remember is Sick Bay.  All mentions of Data Bay got edited out.  Whatever.  Apparently, not even hot chicks in standard-issue space miniskirts can make data entry interesting.  I, on the other hand, find it fascinating.  A hot chick in a space miniskirt can come over to my house and normalize my tables any time.  Rawr.

Wait, where was I?  Oh, right, the Data Bay.  Wait, not yet.  Before I forget, and while we’re still relatively close to the topic of Star Trek, I’d like to take this moment to congratulate George Takei on his recent legal marriage to his partner of twenty years, Brad Altman.  Sulu, FTW!

Right, so Data Bay is this awesome land where Tbo gives a statistical overview of the whole gamut of sensationalist awesome we tend to find in the MainStreamMedia these days.  Look, people, those ads aren’t going to click themselves you know.  School bus incidents, homicides, motorcycle accidents, objectionable license plates - they’re all represented in the data bay.  You know, it’s valuable stuff.  You never know how much real-life relevance SHIT THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS EVER has for most of us.

Ahem.  This most recent Data Bay installment covers Florida animal attacks over the past 35 years.  No shit.  The somewhat odd part is that it appears to be derived only from a thorough search of the paper’s own archive.  Now, normally, I’d imagine that this would lead to the impression that a lot of attacks would be underrepresented in their stats.  Probably not, though, since this is the sort of shit that the MSM dispatches teams of wild-eyed reporters to cover all the time.  Seriously, there’s a shark attack listed in there that came from a high school performance of West Side Story.

If anything, then, this has got to be, ironically, one of the most thorough databases of Florida animal attacks.  You can even search by species!  Wait, how the fuck do you get attacked by a sturgeon?  Beats me, but it’s happened three times in 35 years.  Sadly, we’ve still only got that one pelican attack on the books.  Time to step it up, pelicans.

I guess for me, the thing that makes this unintentionally interesting is that it almost functions as Tbo’s conscience.  I mean, you can actually look at these stats and it will temper the sensationalism of the reporting.  Look at things longitudinally, and you realize that yes, the fact that you’re pretty sure that there’s a shark, cobra, and a lead-based Chinese toy out there with your name on it is only an illusion generated by the over-reporting of the anomalous.  Whoa.  Deep.

Lastly, do I even really need to say anything about that tragedy of a banner graphic?  I didn’t think so.  Seriously, I think they’re breaking child labor laws in their graphics department over there.