Starbucks. It’s the morning rush. The collective caffeine deficit is palpable. It’s that special time when the thin veneer of civilization is pretty much at its thinnest. In fact, in something of a cultural paradox, the only thing keeping the line itself from devolving into a savage mob is that people haven’t had their caffeine yet, and therefore really lack the energy to rip one another’s limbs off. All that, and this woman has a list. A list of no less than ten drink orders, each of which is somehow miraculously more complex than the one preceding it. I swear at some point I saw the ghost of Obi Wan floating over the barista’s shoulder saying, “Remember your training. You can do this.” Seriously though, a list at 8am? Don’t be that person.

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Keeping in line with today’s theme of Ur Doing it Wrong, I thought I’d mention the awesome predicament of one Hiram Melvin, a convicted felon, who was arrested for having in his possession, among other things, a long, cylindrical thingy bearing an unfortunate resemblance to a rocket launcher. Wait, can you be an unconvicted felon? I mean, you can be accused of a felony, but not yet convicted, so really you’re not a felon yet. Fuck if I know. I digress.

Anyway, our boy Hiram, whose name lets you know he’s passed that certain threshold of redneck where the Old Testament becomes your version of babynames.com, has in fact been charged with possession of a hoax weapon of mass destruction. No, seriously, it’s an actual charge. Let this be a lesson to all you military style live action role playing types, that lovingly-crafted replica of the plasma sword from Halo might just land you in a very not replica version of a PMITA prison. Remember, this is ‘Merica, we start wars over imaginary weapons of mass destruction. At least they got Hiram. Mission accomplished!

You know what else is a serious bag of win? Hiram’s shirt. That shit says “Chip.” Hiram is singlehandedly bringing back the grunge-era ironic gas station attendant shirt. Thanks for the Singles lulz, man.

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Seriously, ur doing it wrong.

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Aw, crap.  I knew there was something I missed last weekend.  Yup, last weekend was the 2008 meeting of the Society for People who abuse the same Photoshop Filter in everything they do.  Correct.  SFPWATSPFIETD for short.  Ok, no.  Last weekend was the 2008 Florida Ghost Gathering, however, and it was held at the Heritage Hotel in lovely St. Petersburg.  That’s right; people who believe in ghosts and suck at Photoshop.  Where the fuck do I sign up?

OMG!!1!!  Look at that ghost that looks like a fountain!  Wait, oh; it’s actually a fountain.

I can’t tell exactly what went down at this thing, but apparently, beyond the basic roundtable stuff, there were investigations happening - serious business, as it were.  Like, I think everybody got to hang around the lobby and watch some pros try to figure out whether or not there was anything paranormal going down.  All I’m saying is for $128 a night, there better have been some kind of EVP electric laser light shit happening in there.  

Participants had to be members of “an established paranormal investigative group in Florida”, and to prove that, they needed “a website or similar proof of existence.”  Now, far be it from me to question the bullshit meters on a bunch of paranormal investigators, seriously, those tricoder things you kids have have “legit science” written all over them, but the fact that I have a Godaddy.com account and invented a Ghostbusters drinking game probably doesn’t qualify me to attend this gathering.

Anyway, I can’t remember how I even stumbled across this, but I thought I’d share.  Whoever this dude is seems to be the main local paranormal pimp, and he also seems to have an unhealthy fascination with live streaming himself talking to other paranormal enthusiasts from what looks to be the comfort of a control room with enough monitors and shit to support a NASA launch and simultaneously destabilize the economy of a small country.

To top it all off, you’ll note one of the sponsors, S.P.I.R.I.T.S. of St. Petersburg is our very own local paranormal investigative group.  If someone knows what S.P.I.R.I.T.S. stands for, let me know.  I couldn’t get past the spooky design on their Myspace page to find out.  Apparently, they’re good at what they do, since they’ve verified what everyone’s known for years, which is that my beloved Haslam’s is haunted by the product-placement obsessed ghost of Jack Kerouac.  No shit.  It’s all written up right here.  I guess the elder Jack used to roll in to Haslam’s and move his books to more prominent places in the store.  Apparently his ghost shows up every now and then to you know, rearrange shit.  If you say so, kids; you’re the ones with a website.

Lastly: Ectoplasmic residue.  It’s a bitch to get out of your clothes.

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Courtesy of Ustin Lza.

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I’m not sure if this has been clear to date, but I really really really hate Charlie Crist. The most recent awesome gubernatorial move by the king of douches is the passing of bill HB 5083, a.k.a. the Fuck Florida’s Teachers bill. Here are some of the details:

1. Elimination of 10 percent bonus for certified teachers who mentor other educators
2. Elimination of assistance for $2,500 certification application fee

You might be thinking “but wait, isn’t Florida regularly ranked at the bottom of the shitheap for our quality of our schools?!” Why yes, yes we are. You might also be thinking “couldn’t we improve that standing by encouraging our teachers to mentor each other, and to assist them with National Board Certification?!” Why yes, yes we could.

The National Board for Professional Teaching Standards improves teaching and student learning. National Board Certified Teachers are highly accomplished educators who meet high and rigorous standards.

The good news is that now the only teachers capable of becoming certified will be the ones with $2,500 to blow on the application fee. Let’s be clear, though, we also cut funding (and raises) to teachers, so those whiners better not expect to be able to recoup that $2,500 through their paycheck.

Here’s what really bothers me about Crist, though, he’s a fucking shyster. He went on to call the cuts “disappointing” and said that he really didn’t want to sign the bill, but it had other good things in it and his hands were tied. He also told Secretary of State Kurt Browning that he looks forward to working with lawmakers next year to “reinstate these components” that HB 5083 cut. Uh, what? Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? You signed the cuts and then immediately said “but I’ll be fighting to bring them back”?! You’re an idiot.

If you are bored and feel like reading all 16 pages of HB 5083, you can do so here.

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Just moments ago, a sketchy looking older woman, clearly intoxicated and clearly carrying years of hard living on her bones, said the following to me in the parking lot of the 22nd Ave Home Depot:

I have $81, want to do it for $50?

Um, what? Is this some kind of new reverse hookerism? Was she offering to pay me? I’m confused.

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Reader Doug points us to this story on the city doing research into some “light rail” action. Looks like peeps from Clearwater, Tampa and the Burg will be touring Charlotte, Dallas and Denver to check out their rail systems.

The article mentions TBARTA, who has been around for about a year working on plans for multimodal transportation (including light rail). Theoretically TBARTA is capable of financing, constructing, operating, maintaining, and managing the transportation system it develops. That all sounds fantastic, but the reality is that most of these forms of mass transit have died as a result of a lack of funding.

The argument against rail in Tampa Bay goes like this: Few locals ride transit now. The public is sick of taxes. We don’t have a big, dominant downtown. The benefits of rail are exaggerated. No one will walk to a final destination in our stifling heat.

Light rail would indeed mean increased/new taxes, and as we learned with that “Yes on 1” bullshit, people don’t like new taxes even when they are actually a good idea.

There are lots of reasons light rail would be a great thing in the bay area, and here’s the most important one: no more drunken trips across the bridge. Seriously! The TBARTA plans include a rail line along I-275 linking the downtowns of St. Petersburg and Tampa. This way I’d just have to stumble from Ybor to downtown Tampa, and then I’ll be whisked safely home with a bunch of hobos in a cattle car. Awesome!

It looks like the soonest a vote would come (at least for Tampa) would be 2010. That seems a bit optimistic to me at the rate things move around here, but I for one will be eagerly awaiting the opportunity to watch as yet another awesome idea gets shot down.

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From Craigslist Tampa Bay:

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If last weekend you noticed yourself feeling like you were in the presence of of something special, then it was no doubt because goddamn Rick Springfield and Eddie Mahoney (aka, Eddie Money) were in town to popped collar rock the Taste of Pinellas. Seriously, Eddie had two tickets to paradise, so he got Rick to come along and they rocked that shit. I can’t say that I was there, but I could sort of make out the snare drum from where I was, and let me tell you, that shit was on point.

Anyway, I guess that’s why I have 80s on the brain and wanted to present this piece of local nostalgia.

From, “Cafeteria Capers: School lunch time becomes social time”:

A handsome, well-built blond boy hovers over the pretty blond girl next to him. He wears parachute pants; she has a chic, breezy permanent and somehow looks sophisticated in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt.

Their friends at the table have the same Rick Springfield-Madonna way about them. They wear earrings in their left ears, deck shoes, rat tails on the napes of their unblemished necks. Mostly, they wear popularity.

Man, I wish I could wear popularity, instead I just write in this blog. Stupid compruder is like my only friend. You know what I need? That’s right:

Wow, according to Rick’s computer, in only eight short years, we’ll be living in a post-apocalyptic land of dance! How awesome is that?

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I love this picture, swiped from the Times without their permission. (Dear Times lawyers, Alison Steele in particular, please don’t be mad at us.)

The image comes from this story.

UPDATE

Ustin Lza sends the following addition. Baker, in a batshit crazy rage (check the smile): “So help me, Herb, I will slap the living piss out of you.”

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Sometimes these things just write themselves.

From the article of the same title.

Also, judge denies jurors use of a dictionary in helping determine the precise definitions of “morbid” and “degraded.”  There was general outrage in the jury room since prior juror inquiries as to whether or not “this was going to be on the test” went unanswered by the judge.  I, for one, was told there would be no math.

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7-1 vote to move forward with the process, with the lone holdout being old school badass Herb Polson. Didn’t Herb cheat to get into that position? I think I remember him claiming he was an incumbent despite the fact that he totally wasn’t.

Mark your calendars, the next yes vote is July 17.

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It is a sad day for the publicly naked ol’ wrinkly people of Florida. It looks like the American Association for Nude Recreation has suspended Caliente Resorts from their official listing of approved “nakation” areas. Caliente appears to be breaking a cardinal rule of AANR by taking part in swinger diddling parties, a serious no no since it blemishes the good name of nude outdoor recreationists spread across this great land.

Caliente hosts monthly parties put on by a group called Aahz, which on its Web site describes its parties as “lifestyle oriented,” a phrase often associated with swingers. A Web site featuring the swingers’ lifestyle also highlights Caliente. And Fox will be a featured speaker at the upcoming Swingfest, the “world’s largest swingers party and adult expo,” held in Hollywood, Fla.

Swingfest looks like a rocking good time, by the way. Who wants to rent a bus with me and hit that shit hard? I love that the Swingfest and Caliente sites shows plenty of attractive young people in their birthday suits when the reality is that 95% of folks that rock the nudism definitely should not be. Um, yeah, I think I’ll pass on the grandma with the leather skin, thanks.

Speaking of AANR, their NSFW family values page definitely creeps me out the most. It is one thing if you’re a creepy old baggy adult and want to get nekkid and play volleyball. It is entirely something else when you force your kids into that environment. Eww.

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That’s right, despite the fact that we’ve been pretty quiet over here regarding the stadium of late it is time to once again point out the bum deal the new stadium developers (and the Rays) are trying to hand us. And just in time for today’s City Council vote!

Howard Troxler (swoon) has an excellent piece on the bait and switch it appears the people of St. Petersburg are being handed with regards to the deal originally proposed in November and the deal as it looks now:

Here was the deal when it first became public late last year:

(1) No new taxes.
(2) The public’s share will come from selling and redeveloping Tropicana Field.

Here is the deal today:

(1) The taxpayers have to extend well into the future the annual payments they’re making now.
(2) There’s no connection, and no guarantee, between what happens at Tropicana Field and paying for the new stadium.

Interesting, I’ve heard of this sort of thing happening before… hmm, what was it last time? Hmmm…. ah yes, Tropicana Field!

I am going to go out on a limb and say that today’s vote will result in the measure passing to a second vote. Bakernuts “will remain conspicuously undecided” according to a fluffy piece on the vote today, but really the dude has already been clear as glass shit which side of the fence he falls on.

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