You know, I’ve been writing in this blog for a while now, and I have to be honest, sometimes the comments I get really hurt.  I like to think of myself as being pretty much above it all.  I mean, it’s just the Internet, right?  Everyone’s an asshole on the Intertrons.  Actually being affected by anything anyone writes on the Internet is a clear sign that you’re doing it wrong.  And yet, I don’t know.  Maybe I just had to read one too many comments in which it was suggested that I a) Get a life, b) Get a job and/or c) Do something more productive and positive with my life.

Ultimately, I think those misguided, ostensibly geriatric, contextually confused, and laughably incensed commenters may have a point.  It’s with that in mind that I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I’ve turned over a new spiritual leaf and brought myself under the guidance of a spiritual advisor.  You might know him as Raymond, that shirtless guy in your neighborhood with a transistor radio bungeed to the milk crate on his bike.  I, however, refer to him as His Absurdly Holy Luminescence.  His Absurdly Holy Luminescence hopes to make me a more positive and productive person, and he has a number of teachings to bring me into an openness and oneness with my fellow travelers.

The first thing His Absurdly Holy Luminescence wants me to do is stand on the side of the road in high and tight cut off jean shorts and sing .38 Special songs at the top of my lungs all day.  I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical concerning how doing this was going to make me a better person.  “Like, seriously Ray Ray - er, I mean, Your Absurdly Holy Luminescence,” I said.  “How will people react?  How will the awesome 80’s country rock stylings of .38 Special teach them about the one true path?”  I’d like to share with you HIs Absurdly Holy Luminescence’s response in full, as I think it will help you in your journey:

We’re approaching the closed mind and the open mind — whatever mind drives down that interstate. … Is he or she going to drive in and check it out and determine what this is? Well, if he or she does, they’ll get the picture on the ground, which is the important picture. If they don’t, if they just drive on by, it’s a lost cause. If the closed mind stays closed, then they lose and we lose, because our object, our goal, our aim has gone amiss. We haven’t gained anything. …

Awesome, right?  Ok, I lied.  I didn’t have a spiritual awakening, although, who the fuck doesn’t love some .38 Special now and again?  No, that quote came directly from Alex Pickett’s interview in Creative Loafing with Marion Lambert, apparent mystic, sometimes historian, and batshit crazy member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans.  You remember, those zany folks who are still pissing everybody off with their hugh jass confederate flag.  This is how that dude responds to questions in an interview.  How Alex Pickett didn’t just stop and go, “Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?” is completely beyond me.  That’s why he’s a professional I guess.

I’m a little late on this article, but it’s worth reading just so you know the kind of people we’re dealing with here.  Go for the article, stay for the batshit crazy amateur historian redneck commenters.  Jesus.  Which one of you assholes told those people about the Internet?  Bad move.

Also, in case you didn’t notice, that spiritual awakening thing was total bullshit.  I am still totally a dick!  Go me!

**Update: But wait, there’s more.  Alex Pickett directed me to his post on CL’s “Blurbex” blog which includes the full version of his interview with Lambert.  Bonus awesome: “Confederate Flag Dude talks about his ‘tourist attraction’, presidential hopefuls and his Scientologist black friends.”  Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better.