You may or may not have noticed that my favorite mocha-colored superhero and political BFF, Barack Obama is going to be speaking today at the St. Pete Times Forum. There were 20,000 official tickets available, and they are all gone. Organizers are encouraging people to still head down there, though, as they might let people in if there’s still space available around noon or so. This makes sense to me, as even if people don’t get in to see him speak, there’s something undeniable about a throng of people who might just be happy to get themselves within five miles of something awesome. There’s something unequivocally irrepressible about an aerial shot of say, a metric ass ton of people all just kicking it in support of a man and his ideas.

That being said, has anyone noticed that all the media outlets around here can focus on is how much of a GODDAMN MIND BLOWING NIGHTMARE it’s going to be in terms of traffic and parking. Jesus. We get it already. The Times seems to have the most level-headed response to the whole situation, the advice being this:

1. Arrive early.
2. Don’t expect a ticket to the event.
3. Bring 20% of an umbrella.

If I were just slightly more paranoid, I’d think that some people were trying to minimize attendance by focusing mostly on the GODDAMN MIND BLOWING NIGHTMARE it’s going to be downtown. And did you notice how there was a convenient accident on the bridge this morning that shut down two lanes of traffic? Coincidence? Surely. Although I swear I saw a sign that read, “I’m Hillary Clinton, and I approve this accident.” Just sayin’.

Here’s a little something to get you in the mood:

By Lukas Ketner. Reblogged from here, who grabbed it from here.

That’s right, the man hangs with unicorns.

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You may have noticed this article over the weekend about local police being angry about a departmental memo issued recently banning officers’ display of the “thin blue line” plate on their cruisers. You know, this one:

According to the Executive Director of the Pinellas County Police Union, “The plate is simple: a horizontal black stripe, a blue stripe, then another black stripe. The black is for fallen officers, and the blue represents the bond among those still living.” Wait, what? Hang on, I’m sorry; I think I was momentarily blinded by some sort of paramilitary melodrama. Crap. I think some got on my shoes.

Anyway, hyper-romanticized visions of police camaraderie notwithstanding, someone might want to remind them that the notion of the thin blue line, probably due to Errol Morris’ excellent documentary, reminds people more of the whole code of silence and mutual ass-covering side of this fabulous brotherhood.

Speaking of ass covering, because I am the extraordinarily worldly person that I am, I couldn’t help but notice that this plate reminded me of another very popular item that bears a strikingly similar use of space and color. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about the official Leather Pride flag.

I have neither the space nor the inclination to explain the myriad complexities of your local leather and fetish color palette and iconography. I suggest you spend some quality time at Wikipedia and get your learn on.

What’s that? Still not seeing it? Hang on:

There, that’s better.

Also, I mean, not that I’d ever accuse hipsters of appropriating the symbols and styles of various marginalized subcultures and/or revolutionary groups, ’cause, you know, you guys need those kerchiefs around your necks - I mean, you never know when the shit is gonna hit the fan in Starbucks and it’s gonna be like WTO Seattle all over again, man. Anyway, PROTIP: The handkerchief hanging out of your back pocket probably has a lot more significance than you know. Seriously, choose wisely when picking a color - especially you with the brown one. Ewwww, man. Seriously.

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Lazy post, but so totally worth it. Check out my boy from Palm Beach Gardens, reppin’ the hoodrat stuff.

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It is always nice when you think a certain type of lewd and lascivious act has fallen out of favor and the BOOM it winds up again in the news. Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to report that the circle jerk is alive and well. In fact, it looks like it is something even those in the upper crust enjoy from time to time.

Robert W. Linger, general manager of Fox 13 News in Tampa, was arrested Friday night at Fantasy Land Adult Video Store in Tampa when he and 5 other fans of the circle jerk organized a public display around an undercover police officer. Oops! Poor Robert didn’t know that his beloved circle jerk was illegal and now he is left with charges of exposure of a sexual organ and lewd and lascivious behavior.

Robert, I’d just like to take this time to personally thank you for keeping the circle jerk - one of the oldest, truest forms of mutual masturbation - alive. Who cares if you are the GM of a major news outlet? Who cares if you have a family? Who cares if it is illegal? You fight the good fight, brother. Gather your friends, encircle a victim, and polish that knob!

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I just stumbled upon some more awesome St. Pete-based design firm action. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one and only Suncoast Marketing Partners (not to be confused with the Suncoast Marketing, Inc. Partners). SMP is bringing it big city style with their host of incredible offerings including, but not limited to: Searchenginomics™, Market Research, Corporate Communications, Strategic Marketing, Graphic Design, and Web Design/Hosting.

WOW! Let’s listen to some of their thoughts on just one of these incredible offerings:

Corporate Communications provides a strong partner with advertising and promotion to create “Branding” and develop awareness in the market place. Well designed and executed PR campaigns can generate Market Place “BUZZ”

Branding belongs in quotes? Hm, I thought that was actually a real thing. This “BUZZ” sounds mighty awesome, though, hook a brother up with some of that! They also have trademarked a word, that must make it legit. So what, you might ask, is Searchenginomics™?

Search Engine Economics (SEE) is a new industry created in May 2004 by Robert Mutzl and Ed Woods. It takes the disciplines of Search Engine Marketing (SEM) and Search Engine Optimization (SEO) and includes them under the greater business umbrella of marketing project management. The foundation principles of SEE are based on the strong economic Return on Investment (ROI) model.

But, but, can you get my site more visitors?

Yes! Absolutely, positively, without any doubt, we can guarantee an increase in your web site traffic!

Wow! I’m sure they’d all be legitimate hits as well, do you have any other suggestions regarding these new visitors?

But what happens if visitors get to your web site and the design and / or content is not the best it needs to be, OR they can’t find what they are looking for OR they don’t know what to do when they get there?

Can you help me with that, too?!?! Can you make my site look as beautiful and well designed as yours is?

Marketing plans require focused, creative talent with a proven track record to effectively translate strategy into reality. Its where the “rubber meets the road”!

Holy crap, here’s my credit card number: 4418 3008 1714 3611, please charge me immediately for your comprehensive, rubber meeting road services!!! I can’t wait to get started!

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We received a tip regarding the buttmonkeys over at Fans for Waterfront Stadium indicating that they were falsely including the names of local businesses on a list of stadium supporters. Below is the chain of e-mails that went back and forth between our anonymous source (we’ll call him Ustin Lza) and the General Manager of Rollin’ Oats. We here at the Splog definitely endorse ye olde Oats, so when they showed up as a business supporting the new stadium, it seemed a bit out of character. Ustin Lza thought it was out of place as well, so he sent a message to the Oats letting them know that he probably wouldn’t be doing much shopping there anymore. Here’s the response he got:

“Peculiar,” thought Ustin Lza. And really, it seems a bit odd for a place like the Oats to support the stadium, so Ustin replies letting Manager Mike know where he heard such info.

Check out Manager Mike’s response.

Well fuckaduck. Makes you wonder about all of the business listed there, eh? Fortunately Manager Mike got Rollin’ Oats removed from the list, but this is some inexcusable shit. The supporters sure seem to be playing some pretty desperate cards.

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In an attempt to appease critics, we here at the Splog will now include quotes from press releases in all of our stories. As you know, press releases developed by reputable PR people are always completely factual, fair and balanced. Apparently quoting the newspaper was considered non-factual by said critics, so we’re cutting out the newspaper middleman and getting the news straight from the source - hired flaks.

FOR: IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DATE: May 12th 2008
CONTACT: Ted W Johnson, Gulf Ridge Council, BSA, (813) 872-2691

 The Boy Scouts of America to Host Sci-Fi Convention
SCOUT CON 2008
SCI – FI Convention
May 24th 2008
Tampa Convention Center

 Tampa - On Saturday, May 24th, 2008 the Gulf Ridge Council, Boy Scouts of America’s Learning for Life Division will host the Scouts first ever Sci-Fi Convention To benefit the in-School and Special Needs programs.

PR folks are always so creative about their use of bold, line breaks, capitalization and centering! This is amazing news, however, a sci-fi convention put on by Boy Scouts! Yipee! And the lineup of stars is incredible, check it out:

That’s right, people, the Michael Winslow will be here!!!!! This has the potential to seriously put the bay area on the map. Don’t make me come to your house and beat you silly for not realizing the incredible value of seeing the Michael Winslow for $20. I mean, he does barking dogs, squishing soggy sneakers, jets roaring, spine tingling scratches from a chalkboard, radio noises, guitars screaming, cell phones, and so much more! Do not miss this.

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Couple of items most definitely worth checking out this weekend. Things kick off tonight with Riddle of Steel at New World Brewery. This should be a very special evening, Riddle brings the rock and NWB guarantees the rock will be right up in ur face. Prepare for your beer to be spilled. The facts: $8, 21+, and it is an aestheticized show, so expect it to start very late.

Tomorrow night could be quite interesting with the Dali Look-Alike Party crack-a-lackin’ over at the museum. Special guest judge John Waters will be in the house, and while you never know exactly how that will go, awesomeness of some kind is guaranteed. Also, a warning, Sterling Powell will be there as well, so expect some level of douchebaggery. The facts: Free.99, 9-midnight (judging starts at 11).

Oh, and Sunday is Mother’s Day. You better get something for your mom. I did.

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We should just turn this into a sports blog since apparently that’s what the masses appear to care most about. As such, check out this story from Fox Sports on MSN: Top 10: Worst franchises in pro sports

Yay, we made a Top 10 list! Wait, ah shit, this isn’t a good list to be on. Let’s see what they had to say:

4. Tampa Bay Rays
Expansion teams are typically a laughingstock for a few years, but in the Rays’ case it’s been permanent. In fact, a perennial assumption is that the Rays will finish fifth in their division. The Rays’ best finish was in 2004, when they climbed to fourth in the American League East. They have finished fifth every other season and have never won more than 70 games.

Oopsies! Although, based on the excellent comments I’ve been reading around here lately, I am completely wrong on the implications of a new stadium and certainly the new stadium would also improve the quality of our team. Right?

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Is it in poor taste to make fun of a dude riding a motorcycle, chasing someone who stole an old lady’s meds, who then crashes into a Ford Explorer, bursts into flames, and dies? Hmm. To post, or not to post.

File this one under “only in Florida,” where somehow we continually manage to do it wrong. Let’s take a look at the timeline of events, making a note whenever we see a FAIL has occurred.

1. Woman leaves the MD & More Clinic in Tampa with a handful of meds.
2. Thief steals said meds.
3. Bystander sees thieves getting away, leaps through their rear window. Has FAIL potential
4. Thieves ram another car, knocking first would-be hero to the ground. FAIL
5. Nearby motorcycle enthusiast sees commotion, begins chasing thieves. Has FAIL potential
6. High speed chase ensues. FAIL potential increases
7. Ford Explorer pulls from Wing House parking lot, its occupants pleasantly gorged on hot wings. FAIL palpable
8. Motorcycle enthusiast fails to yield. FAIL
9. Motorcycle collides with car, bursts into flames, kills enthusiast. ULTIMATE FAIL

Let us all learn a lesson from this sad tale: some old woman’s meds are not worth being dead. Being heroic is one thing, jumping on a motorcycle to chase petty thieves is entirely different. We certainly express our deepest regrets to the motorcycle enthusiast and his family, being dead sucks, but this sure seems like it could have easily been avoided.

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Well, looks like the cat is out of the damn bag: the Splog writing staff are all members of the infamous Haines Road Cru (check the picture of brightlight). Fortunately, however, we evaded capture during the recent rash of beating people with metal chains, robbing pharmacies and shooting cops.

Seriously, though, are you surprised that there is a faux gang on Haines Road? We’ve talked before about the highly peculiar nature of Haines Road, which brightlight described eloquently in this post:

Yes, Haines Road, that confusingly diagonal avenue of devolution and unincorporation, where the concentration of trailer parks is matched only by the concentration of pedophiles living within them, which itself is, in one of those uniqulely Florida ways, inversely proportionate to their distance from middle schools.

The even less surprising fact, though, is that they’re doing it wrong. Here’s what St. Pete PD gang intelligence had to say about the “gang”:

Although police and prosecutors say the Haines Road Cru meets the legal definition of a gang under Florida law, it doesn’t exactly resemble well-known, traditional street gangs such as the Bloods or the Crips. Detective Peter Yarbrough, who works in gang intelligence for St. Petersburg police, said the Haines Road Cru doesn’t appear to be bound together by initiation rituals like beat-ins. The main bond holding them together is that many grew up in the same neighborhoods in the Haines Road area.

Sorry kids, in real cities you can’t call yourselves a gang just because you all happen to live in the same trailer court. But hey, shooting cops is definitely a step in the right direction.

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You know what the world needs more of? Motherfucking caricature artists, that’s what. Oh, and impersonators. And mimes. Shit, we just need good ol’ party entertainment is what we need. The good news is that among the many invaluable services we offer here at the Splog, one of them is connecting you with reputable purveyors of quality services. It is with utmost pride that we introduce you to the spectacular About Faces Entertainment, a site that connects you with the very entertainers your life so desperately needs.

For instance, why not check out their page devoted to West Central Florida Caricature Artists? Better yet, check out Tampa-based Noodles the clown. Noodles does it all: balloon sculpting, comedy, magic, bubbles, face painting, dancing, and more! And the image on Noodle’s page isn’t even remotely creepy, not one bit!

If an impersonator is more your speed, try out Tampa’s Keith Coleman, who is a dead ringer for Johnny Cash. He’ll run you $400 for a 15 minute appearance, but trust me, it is worth every cent. Want to mess with your friends? Have Bill Clinton Impersonator Eddie Tyson show up at the office and encourage your co-workers to vote for Hills! Your safest bet, however, is to go Elvis with Lakeland’s David Youngblood.

Isn’t it amazing all the talent we have right here in our own backyard? We already have the Splog Christmas party packed to the gills with entertainers, and it will only set us back about $4800 for 15 minutes, a steal when you think about it.

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Looks like a gunman was recently (as in, a few hours ago) killed after opening fire in the courthouse downtown. Um, hello? Am I still in St. Pete? Good lord. I suppose this is one way to get on the map, eh?

Here’s the really messed up part, though. Not the fact that a dude got killed. Not the fact that the bailiffs that killed him will be scarred for life. Not the fact that this is yet another national “wacky stuff happens in Florida” story. Nope, what’s really messed up is that the one thing I can contribute to this story isn’t panning out.

You see, I’m pretty much a one trick pony when it comes to crime. Read crazy story, look up arrest record, make fun of dude. Except, this time, I can’t find our boy Glen Lee Powell. He unfortunately is neither Glenn Alvin Powell, nor Glenn E. Powell, nor Glennoy Alpha Powell, nor Glenda Powell. Sure, these are all seasoned criminals with excellent histories, but they are not the recently deceased Glen Lee Powell.

So, what to do? I don’t do serious commentary, nor analysis of how this will affect future court proceedings downtown, nor ponder the motives of a jackhole that goes to court with a gun. Nope, those just aren’t my thing. I guess I’m left with just two options:

1. Title your post “Ho. Lee. Shit.”
2. Encourage kids to stay in school.

As such, I close with this important reminder: kids, stay in school.

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I happened to find myself in the relatively upscale inner circle of Woodlawn yesterday and came upon my first pro-stadium yard sign sightings. Here’s the totally unshocking part about it, though: the 3 signs were in front of 3 of the largest houses. That’s right, kids, rich assholes love new stadiums!

It made me really think about it, and I couldn’t help but come to the realization that most of the houses I’ve seen the POWW signs in front of look more working class. Not to say I haven’t seen rich assholes that don’t want the stadium, but it actually looks like this thing is shaping up to be a bit of a class line issue.

We’ve tasked our huge research department to start looking into seriously important statistics based on the existence of yard signs by type (pro, anti). We’ll be looking at make and model and year of car, most recent lawn mowing, existence of duct tape residue X’s on windows, number of yard gnomes, appearance of work out equipment on the property, etc. Keep your eyes peeled for our in depth report.

Here’s your chance to get famous! We want your pictures. We will post your pictures of yard signs, as long as they show the surroundings (i.e. make sure we can see the house), along with a credit to you and even a hyperlink to your internet presence. Keep in mind that we are not responsible for downtime caused by the avalanche of traffic this hyperlink will create, so don’t come crying to us when your hosting company bills you for overages. Otherwise, from now until November, send us any photos you get of yard signs out there in their natural settings.

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I assume you’ve seen the story about the Wizard substitute teacher getting fired in Land O’ Lakes (includes video!1!!) Let’s all spend just a moment realizing that at this very moment the internets are aflutter with people blogging about how fucking stupid people in Florida are. Yes, they are talking about us.

I mean, sure, the magic trick was lame, but fire the guy for the fact he is creepy, not for “Wizardry.” What the hell is wizardry anyway? Is that related to the creepy way he leads up to all his tricks by saying “watch, watch, watch, watch, watch, GO!”?

Leave it to major media outlets to fail at doing their homework, though, and leaving out plenty of juicy details. For instance, Jim actually is a fucking Wizard. No, I’m not kidding. He placed an ad on the Witch’s Voice pagan merchant list in July of ‘06 for his personal site Tarotica Erotica (unfortunately he let the domain name expire last year). Check the ad. Looks like Jimbo’s erotic tarot service covers:

All questions regarding your future answered here. If a desired outcome is requested, a Tarot spell will be performed on your behalf. A copy will be sent to you. A Tarot question including Tarot spell is $20.00

Again, no, I’m not kidding. Check it yourself, peeps, the search is based on his tampabay.rr.com e-mail address, so we’re talking about the same guy. I bet the God Blog wishes they hadn’t posted the story now.

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