Holy crap. Our fair city now has Google Maps street view coverage. Take that, Columbus, OH! This post is also a formal invitation for you to exploit this wonderful new Intertron technology to seek out and submit random St. Pete Street View awesomeness like this, this, and this.

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Thanks to Amy for sending in these pictures of a defaced POWW sign. Consider this “game on” motherfuckers.

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While this is mainly Casey’s area of expertise, you don’t really need his excruciating familiarity with the entire online dating scene to know that there are loads of online dating sites out there at this point. They’re getting more specific, too.

Let’s face it; you got that ass because you like to go to Burger King and have it your way at least five times a week, and that’s ok, because there’s probably a site out there specifically for people at your local Burger King who order the same thing as you every day. Indeed, it’s called, thatoneBKweallgotoConnect.com.

Ok, maybe this new crop of sites isn’t that specific, but you know, they’re still pretty specific - well beyond Jdate and OnlineJesusFinder.com. Do you like teh w33d? Head on over to PotPartners.com. Are you batshit crazy? Would you like to date someone else who is batshit crazy? Then nolongerlonely.com is for you, where everyone on the site has some form of mental illness.

I wonder if your compatibility with someone there increases based on the similarity of your symptoms, or maybe you’re supposed to find someone with a disorder on the other end of the spectrum, you know, so you cancel each other out. I think this is what psychologists refer to as the principles of constructive and destructive interpersonal interference. You know, like waves, but different.

Why am I bringing any of this up? Because here in the Tampa area, we’ve got a company that developed its own niche dating site - SaferDates.com. To what niche do they cater? Well, it’s not immediately apparent. It’s pretty cookie cutter, really. You see most of the stuff you’d expect to see. You know, it’s a scary .NET generated template thing with your basic sampling of over compressed stock photography and blurry graphics. Profiles, search, user matching, etc., etc.

There’s the obligatory team of experts. Relationship expert? Check. Psych stats dude? Check. Private investigator and Martial Arts expert? Check.

Wait, what the fuck?

Maybe some copy from their press center will help:

According to the U.S. Department of justice, a woman is raped every 2 minutes somewhere in America.

Saferdates.com is the first online dating website to offer a background investigation utilizing fingerprint identification and screening. Our goal is to educate our members on safer dating - focusing on both your emotional and physical safety by offering access to monthly articles, tips on safety and relationships; as well as, Q & A by our Team of Experts.

Oh, I get it; it’s a dating site for hysterical people who failed to recognize that Orwell’s 1984 was a dystopian scenario - you know, a bad thing. Apparently, surveillance really is security. See, I mean, if you’ve really got nothing to hide, then you’ll willingly offer up your fingerprints, collegiate political history, colonoscopy results, genome map, polygraph, full genealogy, various cells, CT, blood gas, pre-school transcripts and voiding cystourethrogram results in order to qualify for the site’s Level II Verification. Level II means that you’re a model citizen, and you get a special icon on your profile that tells all your potential dates, “Hey, I’m a model citizen!  Freakin’ date me right now!”

It’s true, though, even a dating system founded on the time-honored principles of Total Information Awareness isn’t foolproof. This is why there’s an astrologist on staff. You might not be a sex offender . . . yet, but if it’s in your stars, she’ll know. If all else fails, you’ll be fully trained in ball-crunching self defense, just in case it turns out your painstakingly-certified Mr. Right holds that goodbye hug a nanosecond too long.

Wow, so there you have it. If you’re one of the increasing number of people who are falling over themselves to divulge as much personal information as possible to some web service, then this site might be for you. I’ll be the one standing over by the jukebox with the conspicuously ink-free fingerprints.

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No, really, I saw it once in a picture. I really friggin’ hate the RPOF, these dudes have no class, no morals and are apparently completely OK with seeming like a desperate bunch of a democracy haters. Congrats, fellas! I bet they’re still bummed about the civil war, too.

Looks like these fuckwads are sending around a Photoshopped image of Fidel Castro holding an Obama poster with ZANY text on it. The text was obviously added later, but most people won’t catch the fact that Fidel Castro has never had his hands on an Obama poster and a bunch of stupid assholes are probably going to take this as a legitimate image.

Well guess what, RPOF? We have Photoshop too!

Please ignore the following, for Google’s sake I need to mention a few things to make sure these dillholes see this post: RPOF, Republican, Florida, Party, Bush, Governor, Governor Crist, Charlie Crist, Jim Greer, Jeff Kottkamp, Marco Rubio, Speaker Rubio, Ken Pruitt, Florida House, Florida Senate, politics, political, vote, voting, voter registration, GOP, Republican Party, Republican National Committee, George W. Bush, President Bush, White House, Dick Cheney, Bush, Cheney, Senate, House, Congress, Conservative, Political activism, 2004 Election, Taxes, Tax Relief, Bush Tax Cuts, Economy, Education, No Child Left Behind, Defense, Judicial Nominees, Protecting Social Security, Prescription, Drugs, Rx Drugs, 2nd Amendment, Homeland Security, platform, RSEC, Republican State Executive Committee

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This story is a few days old because I was trying to decide whether or not to post it. You see, the story itself is about all the great green initiatives Mayor Faker has unveiled as part of his plan to greenify St. Petersburg. You might recall that St. Pete was actually named the first “Green City” in FL, although there still aren’t any other green cities which leads me to believe the designation is bullshit to begin with. Anywho, the writer went ahead and addressed the recycling issue and I agree, but I didn’t want to piss all over the good things that are coming to the ‘burg just because I have a personal vendetta.

Of course, then I read the following line:

Baker is still so dead set against implementing such a program, he ordered his staff to lobby against a countywide recycling effort being discussed by the Pinellas County Commission.

You have to be fucking kidding me. We know that he doesn’t want recycling, we know that his pawns are responding to people like us saying how bad recycling is for the environment, but now he is lobbying against the possibility of the county picking our shit up? This is a new low, even for the tent slasher himself.

You see, the city makes good money burning your recyclables. If the county were to step in and pick those items up it would result in less money, and less money means the city can’t spend dollars on important initiatives like the new stadium. That’s bad.

This is seriously sickening to me, I can’t believe this asshole and his dirtbag cronies are going to take the step from just opposing recycling to actually preventing it from happening. Thanks Rick! When do we get to elect a new douchebag to run the city?

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From the first, sizzling installment of “Nude maid cleans Cheval house, including the jewelry”:

The woman arrived at the Cheval home in a one-piece light colored dress. She took off the one-piece light colored dress. She cleaned the house per their $100-per-hour agreement. Four bedrooms, three baths.

She redressed and left.

So hot. Seriously, she cleaned the jewelry. Wait, what? She stole the jewelry? Oh, well, hrmph. I mean, the headline says she cleaned the house, including the jewelry. Oh, I get it. The house was cleaned out! Yes! That would have been a good one, except that it wasn’t. Besides, at least she apologized before she left. Wait, she didn’t? Oh, you meant that other, incorrect usage of redress. Sure, yeah, I get it; she put her dress back on. Hey, is this erotica or not? You’re doing it wrong.

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File this under useful information learned from a dumb criminal: attempting to hold up a liquor store with a can of beans in a sock is not a good idea unless your aim is to get killed. Looks like a clerk who took a beancan to the skull got pissed and shot the 19 year old would-be robber. Unfortunately getting beaned in the head is far less painful and permanent than a few shots from the boomstick.

The rad news is that they found 3 shell casings, but aren’t saying how many shots were fired. If you were curious about places to avoid robbing, add C&K Beverage to the list. It will be interesting to see if the clerk is charged with manslaughter, a minimum of 3 gunshots seems like an awfully deadly response for a bean-induced headache.

In other news on our side of the bay, a dude who entered a pawn shop and started smashing cases also earned his very own gunshot wound. This should be something you already know, but let’s cover it again: people that work at pawn shops are perpetually awaiting the opportunity to shoot someone, it is a desire those people are just born with.

The highlight of the Kenneth City shooting is the last line:

Investigators are assuming that the man was hit because of a blood trail left in the store. A search for the man is still in progress.

I just imagine a whole bunch of cops with magnifying glasses and hounds hunched over and following a trail of blood for hours on end. Run, dude, run!

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That’s right, that Ben Franklin. Or, at least I think so, I don’t actually read the stories I link to. I’m shocked by this behavior, not because he has been dead for ages but more because of his 13 virtues and all that jazz. This definitely does not fit in with the BF we know and love.

Man Charged With Running Over Wife During Argument

Lee and his wife, Jennifer, were arguing, and he was trying to leave the house, according to an arrest affidavit. Lee told his wife to get out of the way of the car, but she wouldn’t move, so he pulled forward and ran her over, the affidavit states. “I backed up and probably ran over her again,” Lee reportedly told deputies.

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Happy Memorial Day kids!  I happened upon this painstaking and very patriotic display yesterday over by North Shore Park and figured it would make as fitting a tribute as any to all the things that bear memorializing on this day of memorializing the memorialworthy.  This was curated by a very tan gentleman in a speedo, who, when the smoke from his cigarette curled in just the right way, bore a remarkable resemblance to Hunter S. Thompson.

Oh right, and in case you’re not catching all the details, that is indeed a scale model of the twin towers, which means, holy fuck, those flags are huge!

Also, I’d like to remind all of you that apparently we’re in imminent danger of some sort of alien assault.  However, while I can’t be certain of this, it appears we’ve got the creature from the black lagoon on our side.  Whew!

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Check out the image below, sent in by Justin Elza. Yep, that’s douchebags from the Rays parking on private property, blocking a POWW sign. Seriously guys? What are you, 10 years old?

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If you live in a city, chances are you have to park on the street most of the time. You lock it up, start walking to your destination, maybe give one last glance over your shoulder as if to stay, “You stay strong, little camper; I’ll come back for you.” It’s true, sometimes you come back and there’s a new scratch, and you die a little inside. And then sometimes shit like this happens:

If you’ve ever been driving to work in the morning and seen a car that looks like it decided to start a new life as an abstract public sculpture at some point in the night, it’s probably because of something like this. This of course, doesn’t answer the question of like, seriously, how do you even pull something like that off? Full speed, no brakes, completely against the curb. That’s just some next-level automotive asshattery right there (and yes, it’s local; 1st Ave, FTW!).

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Well, it’s that time of year again. Summer is upon us. Most of the tourists have either been arrested (note the tats!) or left to go drive poorly somewhere else (Yes, I’m looking at you, ubiquitous Ontario Minivan). It’s getting stupid hot again, rednecks are lighting large swaths of the state on fire, the termites are waking up from their winter slumber to remind you that the structural integrity of your house is probably something you should really look into this year, and oh, right, and the full team super elite ninja weather coverage machines are revving up.

Get ready, people. Weather is on the horizon, and well, it’s doing shit. Shit that may or not be normal. Shit that may or may not be cause for complete and utter terror . . . or joy, or uh, mild alarm. Well, you know, shit is happening. We may not know what it is, but stay on your toes, goddammit. In fact, the Splog is recommending that you maintain a state of non-specific and total anxiety until further notice.

Here’s a little something from this fascinating exercise in clickbait to set the mood:

Start of Rainy Season?

. . .

So could these showers be the start of rainy season?

Could be.

The rainy season typically begins between mid-May to mid-June. But there have been exceptions.

There’s twenty-five seconds of my life I’ll never get back. I actually wrote something like that yesterday, it goes like this:

Can light exercise be fatal?

You could probably find someone, somewhere who thinks so. I mean, my neighbor Jeff once knew a dude who had a heart attack doing Jazzercise . . . or maybe he didn’t. Not sure, really.

Ok, now that we’re all primed for that sort of thing, today was the day that the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association busted out a press release summarizing the stats in turn busted out by the National Weather Service’s Climate Prediction Center, all of which was condensed in a Times post entitled “NOAA calls for active 2008 hurricane season“. You still with me here? Good.

Ignoring for the moment that the clunky idiomatic usage makes it sound like yes, indeed, NOAA is demanding more fucking hurricanes this year, what does this article tell us? It tells us this:

NOAA’s Climate Prediction Center is calling for a near or above normal 2008 hurricane season, according to predictions released today.

The outlook calls for considerable activity, with a 60- to 70-percent chance of 12 to 16 named storms, including six to nine hurricanes and two to five major hurricanes.

An average season has 11 named storms, including six hurricanes, two of which reach major states.

What does that mean? I have no fucking idea. Now, mind you, this isn’t the fault of the Times. This is nearly verbatim from the NOAA site, which itself is nearly verbatim from the NWS site.

According to the NWS, there’s a 65% chance of an above normal season, a 25% chance of a near normal season. This means that there’s a 90% chance of an above or near normal season. But wait, there’s still a 10% chance of a below normal season.

Wait, what? Shouldn’t “below normal” be the polar opposite of “above normal.” Nope. Check the definitions. Starting from below normal, it goes: below normal, near normal, above normal. Seriously. Chance of simple normalcy? Zero. I’m no statistician. I’m just a simple caveman who doesn’t understand your modern histograms and beta coefficients, but you’d think it might just go: below normal, normal, above normal, and then, if you really need one higher than that, I propose “Kanye West.”

Yeah, I are confused. As always, of course, the bottom line is, be prepared. As a reminder, this will be slightly less easy this year as due to budget cuts, the tax-free - get yourself some granola and duct tape - holiday is not happening this year. I know, right? Usually the first thing I do in an understimulated economy is cut programs that encourage people to shop.

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There is an awesome story in Creative Loafing this week about the city’s history with history and the 9 most endangered buildings. You know, I think this Alex Pickett fellow over at the Loaf may very well be a legit journalist! Cheers to you, Alex.

You should most definitely go read the thing right now, as it is full of some very interesting information. Alex brings up an excellent point which has always had me scratching my head about our fearless leader Rickroll Baker: how does a dude that wrote a book on St. Pete’s history stand by and let developers demolish most of what’s remaining?

City officials say preservation is one of their priorities. After all, Mayor Rick Baker wrote a book on St. Petersburg’s history. Two years ago, he sponsored a Historical Preservation Summit. And in the latest land-use regulations, there are a host of incentives for property owners and developers to keep historical structures intact. Preservationists are not sure about the city’s sincerity… St. Pete’s comprehensive plan, which directs city officials to seek out and designate three buildings as local landmarks each year… has not initiated any local landmark designations in the past two years.

Can’t really tell everyone you’re all about the history and then essentially make it easy and enticing for developers to swoop in and buy whole city blocks to demolish. In fact, Alex points out a very disturbing fact about the city block in question (you know the awesome old store fronts on Central at 6th): “on May 1, the developer requested a demolition permit from the city, which is pending.” The assholes who bought that block kicked all of those shops out almost 2 years ago, leaving them as a horrible reminder of failure and now it appears their demolition is finally imminent - sad day.

Alex also points out a darkly humorous bit of irony with regards to our beloved Downtown. Did you know that our downtown, along with the 9 endangered buildings in the story, is listed on the National Register of Historic Places? So much for that meaning anything to anyone.

I know that I’ve been accused of not wanting any kind of new development, influx of new people or new money into the area and that just isn’t true. What I don’t want is for all of that to come at the expense of the few remaining amazing historical landmarks that have somehow dodged the wrecking ball thus far. And yes, we can have both, real cities have been doing this for ages. Want some condos on Central Avenue? Build them above the storefronts, preserving the history and the few remaining open air arcades. Work with what we’ve got. Celebrate what makes this place unique.

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Wow, so this is getting very interesting. It looks like two websites have arisen for the upcoming St. Petersburg Bowl, both claiming they are the official site. Do I smell an imposter? I’m going to say the one with the good logo is the real deal. What’s your vote? Check out StPeteBowl.com and StPetersburgBowl.com.

Cue lawsuit in 3… 2… 1…

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Sweet, a Dade City judge ordered a teen who ran over a motorcyclist to replace his own MySpace photo with a photo of the dead victim. Um. What? Don’t judges decide if people should, like, go to jail or not? Since when do they dictate which hott picture criminals use on their profiles?

Additionally the young killer has to carry an image of the deceased at all times, watch re-runs of his funeral and show up at the jail for a 48 hour lockdown party on the anniversary of running him over. Unorthodox, I admit, but the judge’s aim was to not let the little fella forget that running over people is not cool.

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