How in the world can you take a complete blessing like being named Randy Lee Sparklin and piss it away via a life of crime?! Well, I suppose for starters you look like the dude at right. But come on, Randy, you were born to be an entertainer and the best you can do is rock a Bozo haircut and smile all creepy in your booking photo?

Randy, a resident of Larghetto, made headlines recently when he stole a gold (at least he got that right) Pathfinder during a test drive and decided to go pay his ex-wife a visit. Unfortunately for Sparkles, his driving skills aren’t what they used to be and he took out an old couple in an SUV and the structural integrity of a building. Damn, Sparky, you can’t even get criminalin’ right.

This go ’round it looks like he picks up reckless driving, eluding police and a bonus stalking charge. We’ll just add that to his numerous counts of battery, theft, domestic violence, burglary and resisting. Randy is really a champ with the ladies, what with the 6 arrests related to battery on his lovely wife. Attaboy Sparkletits, real men beat women.

So let us all do our civic duty and send Randy letters in jail, gently encouraging him to embrace the life that God meant for him. Perhaps he can start by entertaining the men in prison, doing his best impression of a guy trying not to get his ass kicked for being a two bit criminal and a worthless wife beater.