Strange top headlines are afoot: Lesbian basketball fans carjack with fences.

Tip courtesy of Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter for the Daily Asshole.

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Well, if you sent your note to the gov about curbside recycling, you probably also received the awesome form letter response from Sanitation Coordinator William Sundstrom on behalf of the Mayor. If you didn’t, I’ll give you a rundown of the contents:

1. Bullshit
2. More bullshit
3. Some shit about you being lazy
4. Bullshit
5. Sincerely, Bullshit

Let’s pull some quotes to back up my interpretation, shall we?

St. Petersburg has one of the most successful recycling programs in Pinellas County, ranking ahead of all the large communities in Pinellas County in the amount of recycled material per capita, as measured by weight.

Thanks for that information, except that wasn’t the point. The point was that you should pick the shit up. We know it is successful because we’re the people lugging that shit to your inconvenient locations on a weekly basis. Just imagine how successful it could be if you made it easier.

A City-wide curb side recycling program has been given significant consideration over the years. More specifically, proposals were requested from private curb side recycling entities to provide a subscription based program. No bids were received from the private sector for this initiative due to the unrealistically high cost that would be charged to a relatively small portion of the total population.

Seriously, that’s what you came up with? “Dude, we tried: we asked someone else to do it and no one did.” That is so weak. Also, let’s go ahead and call bullshit since these guys can do it for $15/month.

A curbside program would have an annual operating budget in excess of $3 million dollars; generate environmental detriments associated with additional fuel consumption (20,000 gallons per year), vehicle air emissions and potable water usage, with minimal impacts to extending the life span of the Pinellas County Landfill. The high cost of operating a curbside program must be compared to the low resource return, typically from a 2%-4% reduction of the waste stream. This imbalance represents a negative influence on resource conservation, which is the goal of recycling.

That’s right kids, despite what you might have thunk: recycling is bad for the environment. Wow. This is such bullshit that it isn’t worth the 3 seconds of Googlesleuthing it would take to prove it wrong. You aren’t even trying, are you?

Matters of convenience, and political pressure, rather than practical reasons are often the driving force in the implementation of curbside programs.

Well, you got one point right: it is more convenient for you to continue to resist a curbside program than to implement one. Cheers to you.

I encourage you to respond if you received this message. Let them know that you are offended by the fact they sent you an e-mail trying to convince you that you are a lazy ass. Be sure to also mention that you are insulted that they thought you’d fall for the “recycling is bad for the environment” bullshit. And lastly I encourage you to close your e-mail, as I did mine, with “it is times like this that I am embarrassed to be a resident of St. Pete.” Bonus points if you add “P.S. I will pray for your lost soul, Mayor Baker.”

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This is the ultimate lazy post, and it goes something like this:

Fill out this form which sends an e-mail to the mayor and city council. The e-mail is pre-written so you can be lazy like me and asks them to act on the recent survey which indicated great interest in a curbside recycling program, even if there is a cost attached.

Srsly guys, even if you don’t give a shit, go fill it out. It takes like 3 seconds and will help my lazy ass not have to drive my crap to a recycling center.

That is all.

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