It looks like St. Pete will be hosting the “St. Petersburg Bowl” in December thanks to today’s NCAA decision.

Owned and operated by ESPN, the St. Pete Bowl will pit college football teams from the Big East and Conference USA at Tropicana Field.

Pretty interesting stuff, even if you hate sports like me. We have been pretty tight-lipped about it (signed an NDA with ESPN), but we can now unveil the logo we designed. I think it came out pretty damn nice, especially when considering I spent exactly 3 minutes on it. Seriously, compare it to some other College Bowl logos, I’m thinking we’re looking like the best thing out there.

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Have ya’ll noticed the new bus lane added on 1st Ave S running basically from the Trop down to the water? I have a conspiracy theory that this is one of the first pieces of construction for the new stadium. Since they know peeps will be parking farass away it would make sense to create lanes specifically for PSTA/Looper Trolley access to speed up shuttling to and from the games. In that city staff analysis report I mentioned yesterday they talk about closing portions of 1st St S during games for a similar purpose. Hmm, related? Or is there actually so much PSTA use along 1st Ave S that a lane just for the buses makes sense?

More high-larious images of people’s lives being destroyed by fire (like the one above) available on the Clearwater Fire site.

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I love it when lil’ ol’ St. Pete winds up in national news, especially when it is something awesome like getting ranked #2 for homeless attacks in the state of FL. What makes that deal even sweeter is that FL ranks #1 in the nation, so that puts us at the tippy top of the list! Congrats, everyone, let’s work to take the top spot from West Palm Beach next year!!!

Another exciting statistic is that nearly half of our attacks resulted in death, tying us with Chicago for the highest number of homeless killed in the nation! Seriously, folks, good job, this can only mean good things for us on the national awareness front. Hell, we may even get some international attention out of this!

I’m not worried, though, given the City’s professional and compassionate handling of our homeless population in the past, I am certain they are thinking of ways to increase that number well before next year’s report.

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I just wanted to point out the horrible inequity of the fact that Sticks of Fire appears to now have 20 full time “staff” members. Yes, 20. What the fuck, St. Pete? What the fuck brightlight/topherchris?! For balls sake, Reax only has 17. They’re making us look bad, people. I demand that ‘burgens immediately start blogging, get really flippin’ good at it, and then ask me to join the Splog staff… at which point I will publicly humiliate you and tell you to screw off. But, seriously, 20 staff members? FTW!?>1!

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I stole this badass image from the Preserve our Wallets and Waterfront site and it is pretty staggering. I had no idea it was going to be quite so hugantic.

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An April 18th report to the Mayor entitled “Preliminary Staff Analysis of the Tampa Bay Rays’ Proposal to Build a New 34,000 Seat Major League Baseball Stadium on the Al Lang Field Site” is currently available from the city website, and has some interesting tidbits in it. If you’re bored, feel free to scan all 45 pages - but don’t even think about busting a ctrl+f on the thing, this is once of them pdfs made from a scan of a printed document. Yeah, that’s how St. Pete rolls.

So let’s start with the fishiness, in this case let’s chat parking:

By relying on on-going coordination, minor scheduling adjustments, aggressive promotion of transit alternatives and short term parking resources, potential conflicts with downtown events exceeding 10,000 people could be minimized.

You and I both know there won’t be enough parking, and this is a pretty telling admission here. Aggressive promotion of transit alternatives? That’s your solution? In other words, you are suddenly going to make PSTA a super successful mode of transportation? Uh huh, just keep rolling those dope animated cartoons and that shit will take off in no time. Relatedly, the Rays said the average distance from parking to the stadium would be ¾ mile (or 25 minute walk). The city actually hired an independent transportation consultant who reported the following:

With St. Petersburg’s climate, ¾ mile is considered too far to walk to an event; ½ mile should be considered the maximum walk distance from committed parking facilities.

Now I don’t mind a walk every now and again, but with the average being ¾ mile, you know that means a good chunk of the spaces will be farther than that. That means if you live around 12th Avenue North or so, you may as well just walk. Yikes. Good to know the consultant called bullshit on that (they also suggested an additional 3,500 parking spaces would be needed).

The overall summary is pretty interesting as well, and actually closes on a somewhat more realistic note:

Given the site constraints associated with the Al Lang site and other findings/recommendations noted in this report, it may be challenging to accommodate the proposed stadium on the Al Lang site. If the Rays can successfully address the development and transportation issues the City has summarized in this report and a financing plan for the proposed new stadium can be developed that does not adversely impact the City’s budget, the City should continue to evaluate the merits of the Rays’ proposal.

Well shit, is this the first official City indication that the stadium move might not be all peachy? Now, granted this is a report from Rick Mussett, Senior City Development Administrator, not an official communiqué from the Mayor, but it is a bit refreshing to hear that this isn’t as done a deal as I had suspected. It is especially refreshing when you consider Mussett heads up economic development and probably really wants to see this all go through. I am just happy to hear a mildly negative comment, along with documentation indicating the development can’t adversely impact the City’s budget.

This could all mean nothing, I still think this is all smoke and mirrors to make us think we have a say. However, it was nice to see that this wasn’t just a thumbs up bullshit report like everything else that has been surrounding the new stadium. Keep an eye on the dates in the report as well, should this keep moving we’ll see a July 17 first reading of the ordinance, August 7 second reading and on the ballot November 4.

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Let’s open with this fact: making the sex with kids is not good. That having been said, a 14 year old banging his 29 year old teacher is sort of a high-five moment. Rawk on little dude. But, I digress…

Stephanie Ragusa, a former Davidsen Middle School teacher is at it again, getting arrested a third time for banging a former student. Rawk on little dude.

I’m loving the fact that she was out on bail, and detectives were in the process of investigating when they stumbled on some very interesting evidence:

Hillsborough Sheriff’s spokesman J.D. Callaway said detectives were doing follow-up today on their investigation when they came upon the new crime being committed.

Doh, put your peepee away Johnny, I think it’s the cops! Good lord. Stephanie also has a pesky 2005 DUI on her record, which looks mighty tame in comparison to all the unlawful sexual activity with a minor and lewd or lascivious battery charges she’s been collecting. Nice work, Steph!

Here’s the part I always find interesting: I know a whole lot of dudes that would bang this chick. Come on, Steph, you really want to get it on with little kids? Ewww.

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We here at the Splog are frequent readers of BoingBoing, although we will all insist we read that shit way before it ever got popular. Anywhoz, they posted a link to flickr user mmk_kobayahi’s photostream, a Japanese collector of high-larious internet photos. Imagine my surprise when I stumble on a photo of our very own Senator, swiped from a 2006 Creative Loafing article. Small freakin’ world.

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Man, check out the badass time that the Florida Library Association had at FLA2008 held at the Tradewinds, St. Pete Beach. I’m so pissed that I didn’t get tickets to this thing, I’ve been begging them to let me attend the last 3 years but I guess there’s a crazy waiting list. Just look at the shenanigans below… damn that looks awesome!

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Well, as you are all aware I’ve been slacking like a mofo of late. You’re welcome. As such, I figured I’d stick a bunch of shit into one post, which is the absolute laziest way for me to remedy the fact I haven’t posted in awhile. So, here we go.

Push Thursday is still the bee’s knees
If you still aren’t getting down with thx mgmt Thursday nights at Push then it is official: you are a cocksmoker. This last Thursday introduced me to Building the State, hailing from Gainesville. These dudes were awesome, and there’s something incredibly mind bending about a stoner looking drummer keeping the most solid time in a sea of delay pedals you’ve ever seen. Sure they aren’t necessarily breaking new ground, but damn, they were good. Also, the cover is down to $5 and the Coronas are still only $2, so you have no excuse. Just think, you can spend at least one night a week hobnobbing with the bay area’s elite on a VIP rooftop downtown - Nate Murray from A!A!!, Joel and crew from REAX, Chris Parks from Pale Horse and the biggest star of them all: me. Check out this hott picture of me from last week.

On a related note, I’m selling out
I’ve been offered an obscene amount of money to syndicate to the Reax empire, but I wanted to check in with you loyal readers before I sell out. Thoughts? With the impending launch of ReaxTV, are they nearing the status of an actual empire? An evil empire?

Sports fans scare me
About once a year I try to make it to a Rays game and this time around it was to watch them beat the Red Sox Friday night. Every time I go, however, I’m reminded why I haven’t been for a year when I realize I’m surrounded by a bunch of drunk, herd mentality neanderthals cheering on overpaid assholes that are playing a kids game for a living. Awesome. Of particular note this fine evening was a 4 foot tall drunk gnome-like dude banging on the empty chair next to me every time… well, every time his drunk brain realized he wasn’t banging on the chair. He gets points for the thrift store hawaiian shirt and penny loafers he was rocking, I’m sure he went home with some hot betties that night.

On a related note, the Rays logo sucks even harder up close
Below is an image of the Rays logo now in current use all over the park. Seriously?! This just makes me angry. The fucking white inner portion of the logo actually breaks the line of the yellow and sticks out like some Illustrator path gone awry. How much do you imagine they paid for this piece of shit? My guess is hundreds of thousands.

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I had the incredible honor of spending an evening in the cultural mecca that is Dunedin last night, and boy are my eyes open. Here I thought St. Pete was the place to be, but St. Pete is to Dunedin as Buttfuck, Indiana is to NY. The culture, entertainment and variety of trendy bars is staggering! Staggering I say!

Here’s what you should do immediately: stop reading this shit and go to Dunedin. Start off with some Mahi Tacos at Jolli Mon’s, that shit will get your stomach ready for getting your fade on. Sit on the patio, that way you can watch the fat rollerbladers on the Pinellas Trail. Next check out the Dunedin Brewery, you should be good to go unless it is Earth Day and there’s a drum circle composed of creepy dudes inexplicably carrying hula hoops. If it is Earth Day, don’t go in. Seriously. Otherwise, get a Redhead Red or two.

Next, you have options but you should ignore those options because they just get in the way of the magical time you will spend at the Chic-a-boom Room. Remember, though, this isn’t amateur ‘burg hour, don’t be rollin’ up in there unless you’re dressed right or they’ll kick you right the fuck out. Also, keep your eyes peeled for some hott cross dressin’ dudes making their way to the backdoor of Blur. Don’t be tempted to follow them, though, you’ll get there soon enough once you’ve got a good buzz going. You may want to keep a skirt handy, too, dudes in skirts drink free on Wednesdays, Tuesdays are alternative lifestyle and Fridays celebrate the art of female impersonation. Dope.

When you pass out in the bathroom, no problem, Kelly’s is right next door to fix you up a hangover stomping breakfast. Just be careful not to show up there with a group of dudes, they’ll totally misunderstand and it’ll make for some awkward air kisses.

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The Breaking News blog over at tampabay.com recently posted a seemingly humorous story under the headline “Seen a monkey loose in your subdivision?” It is of course full of the hi-jinx you’d expect when 15 monkeys escape and run rampant through Lakeland. You know, zany, wacky and all of that shit.

Here’s the bit that bothers me, though - the monkeys are owned by one Lex Salisbury, CEO of Tampa’s Lowry Park Zoo. Yes, the same Lex Salisbury that capped a tiger 4 times with a shotgun at the zoo in ‘06. You may recall that he blamed a crappy new zookeeper for not locking the door properly.

So here we have Lex, who is running some kind of freaky ass zoo at his house, allowing 15 monkeys to escape. Seriously, a zoo, people. Scope the facts: the dude has a 50 acre ranch in Tampa with warthogs, antelope, bongos, zebras, oryx, and pygmy hippos. The monkeys escaped from something he calls “Safari Wild” which sounds an awful lot like a front for his growing menagerie. What the shit is going on here?! Fact check my ass (with pictures) by ctrl+f’ing ’salisbury’ on this page.

Does something seem amiss here? First of all it is just weird. Secondly, the dude obviously has some kind of animal fetish and his $266,000 per year salary helps feed it (by contrast, the mayor of Tampa only makes $150,000). Thirdly, the dude sucks at keeping animals safely locked up in their cages.

P.S. If you have a lot of time to kill, scope out this 9 part series on life at the zoo.

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Wow, just wow. Looks like the Florida Senate, in their infinite wisdom to set priorities, has passed an amendment to fine you $60 for that awesome pair of Bumper Nutz yer rockin’ on yer F150. I don’t know about you, but I’m glad to finally see a State Senate with enough balls to take on the real issues. Yes, trucks with gonads are a real issue.

You may not know this, but I actually invented the Cubicle Nuts. I posted about them on an incredibly short-lived site that will some day be revived. Check ‘em out. I made my first million off those babies, and guess what? The Senate can’t fucking touch me.

In other Senate news, those dudes are WAY into grabassing. Did you know that? It is rare that a photo leaks out, but check out Senator Grabby McGrabass from the opening of the 2008 session:

Check out the little girl in the foreground, she’s the only mature person there. Tsk tsk, Senators, how about a little less grabass, a little less nut focus and some real work?

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Cut me some slack, I’m out of state right now and as such I haven’t been posting. I know everyone forgets this from time to time, but there used to be two other authors who actually did some goddamn work around here. I guess they always wanted to be one of those millions of blog failures out there, start something that people actually read and then bail the hell out when you realize you have to work at it.

Anywho, I just rely on the work of others, much like this tip I received from Douglas E. Fluffy. It looks like Florida is once again leading the way in ridiculous ideas fueled by Christ. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the proposed “I Believe” license plate

Rep. Ed Bullard, a Miami Democrat and a sponsor of the license plate, conceded that ‘’some people” may find something wrong with it, but he said it was a license plate for those people who may want something other than a plate that has a manatee or picture of the Challenger space shuttle.

That’s right, fuck those space traveling manatees. Aren’t manatees those ugly ass fish that are getting hit by boats all the time anyway? Who gives a shit? And the Challenger blew up, right? Fuck that, too.

The extra money earned from the sale of the ”I Believe” license plate would go to an Orlando based non profit called Faith in Teaching Inc. that says on its website that money from the plates would be used for grants to “continue faith based education for the youth of Florida.”

Well now it just got interesting. Faith in Teaching should start by teaching themselves how to make a website work. OOPS! If you are able to get in through a back door, be sure to read the thourough and compelling About Us section. I don’t know about you, but three non-committal, completely unspecific paragraphs certainly make me want to buy one of these plates so I can support their program.

In case you’ve forgotten, there is only one Splog approved specialty plate, so don’t even think about getting the JC plate.

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How in the world can you take a complete blessing like being named Randy Lee Sparklin and piss it away via a life of crime?! Well, I suppose for starters you look like the dude at right. But come on, Randy, you were born to be an entertainer and the best you can do is rock a Bozo haircut and smile all creepy in your booking photo?

Randy, a resident of Larghetto, made headlines recently when he stole a gold (at least he got that right) Pathfinder during a test drive and decided to go pay his ex-wife a visit. Unfortunately for Sparkles, his driving skills aren’t what they used to be and he took out an old couple in an SUV and the structural integrity of a building. Damn, Sparky, you can’t even get criminalin’ right.

This go ’round it looks like he picks up reckless driving, eluding police and a bonus stalking charge. We’ll just add that to his numerous counts of battery, theft, domestic violence, burglary and resisting. Randy is really a champ with the ladies, what with the 6 arrests related to battery on his lovely wife. Attaboy Sparkletits, real men beat women.

So let us all do our civic duty and send Randy letters in jail, gently encouraging him to embrace the life that God meant for him. Perhaps he can start by entertaining the men in prison, doing his best impression of a guy trying not to get his ass kicked for being a two bit criminal and a worthless wife beater.

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