I spent last evening in South Beach, which has officially changed its name to Push Ultra Lounge and relocated to downtown St. Pete. There are soooooooo many reasons to hate this place, from the douchetastic bluetooth-rockin’ doormen, to the 148 rotating raver lights in the main room, to the abundance of South Beach colored and shaped paraphernalia, to the rooftop bar with “VIP” seating, to the cabana “VIP” areas on the main floor, to the bathroom attendant yelling at you for using the wrong architectural sculpture disguised as a faucet, to the fact that there are 3 bars in a place that requires only 1, to the dress code requiring that you a) wear a collared shirt and b) pop that shit, to the Monstro the whale laminated press board I-think-that’s-art-but-I’m-not-sure rib bone rafters, to the fact that they are projecting shit onto frosted glass behind a bar like nobody’s fucking business, to the glowing orbs that they picked up on a fire sale from that Rooms To Go knock-off called Rooms To Geh, etc., etc.

Oh snap, Monstro is eating South Beach!!!

Here’s the fucked up part, though. I liked it.

I will admit it didn’t hurt that $2 Coronas flowed down like a cascading waterfall of rayon shirts and short skirts that linger in the air from the other 6 nights of the week. It also doesn’t hurt to be drinking said beverages on the roof of a building with a rad view of the sea of skyscrapers that is downtown St. Pete. And it most definitely doesn’t hurt when you get a bonus ass-handing by the dudes in Summerbirds.

Seriously though, it was like getting fucked in the ear. I mean, it jostles the shit out of your brain and seems like it really should be unpleasant, but then you just sort of dial it in and go along for the ride. You know what I’m sayin’, right? Right? Nobody? Shit, bad analogy. The reality is that Push is one of those places you just want to hate, and it is trying really hard to help you hate it, but ultimately you realize you’re having a good time. A good time at a bar that places ropes and stanchions around their seating areas so you can block that shit off like the baller you are.

The moral of the story is this: go to Push for Thx Mgmt’s Thursdays. I highly recommend March 6 when you can catch Velveteen Pink and Giddy-Up, Helicopter.

In closing, Nate from A!A!! and Chris from Pale Horse are douchebags.