In light of today’s decision by the State Board of Education to add language to the state’s science standards prefacing the word “evolution” with the phrase “the scientific theory of,” I think we should all just bow our heads and pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. While at first I thought this decision was just another victory by a cretinous tyranny of mediocrity, so devoid of intellectual humility as to reject and fear anything that exceeds an order of complexity not covered by its third-grade education, I realized that this was actually a great day. I mean, if we’re opening the door for competing ideas here, then it means that finally, the door is open for the teachings of the great Flying Spaghetti Monster to be taught in earnest in our schools. Hey, you pick your magical superhero in the sky and I pick mine, you mouth-breathing fuckwit.

Now let us pray:

Our spaghetti
Who art in the colander
Hallowed be thy sauce
Thy serving come
Thy strands be wrung
On forks as they are on spoons
Give us this day our daily meatball
And forgive us our starchiness
As we forgive those who are starchy against us
And lead us not into Kraft parmessan
But deliver us from Chef Boy Ardee
For thine is the garlic
And the onion and the bay leaves
For ever and ever.
Ramen