I’ve been meaning to scan this ad for awhile and just finally got around to it. I swear this runs every day in tbt*. What the shit does anime have to do with giving blood? If I weren’t so damn lazy I’d totally find the source image, a sweet anime bloodletting fetish pr0n comic from 1996.

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Time for some culture, kids. Seriously, the internet is rotting your brain, you need to get out from time to time. The cats at RedLetter1 are kicking off Out of Print, a collection of sold out screenprints by Jeremy Fish, this Friday, January 18 at 8 pm. You’ve got lots of options for checking out Jeremy’s work: here, here and here if you wanna buy some shizzle. So check the shit out virtually, and then see what it is like to interact with real human beings (perhaps a bit trendy and hipster, but overall nice enough folks).

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Here we are, still debating whether or not Darwin’s theory of evolution is a fundamental concept of biology — which likewise means we’re still debating what exactly to teach our kids about this trivial little topic. I vote for science over voodoo, but I don’t get a vote on the matter. That’s up to our State Board of Education.

Don’t get me wrong, you want to teach your kids that God made modern humans a few thousand years ago? Cool. Homeschool them. That’s your right, so use it. Go crazy!

I don’t have a problem with any of you wackos until you start demanding that “alternative theories” be taught in public schools. Even the phrase “alternative theories” pisses me off. We all know what you mean there… unless you plan on covering the sacred legend of how the Flying Spaghetti Monster rubbed its noodly appendages together and created mankind out of a pair of tasty meatballs.

Hi there Bill Foster! Your ideas are shit and so is your face!

Yes, I thought I’d heard everything on this issue. Leave it to Bill Foster, who just recently left public office as an esteemed member of the St. Petersburg City Council, to open my eyes to a new series of arguments in favor of fairy tails. Bill has a few theories on biology, and as a lawyer, he’s fully qualified to share them in a letter he sent to the Pinellas School Board.

Quoting…

Evolution gives our kids an excuse to believe in natural selection and survival of the fittest, which leads to a belief that they are superior over the weak. This is a slippery slope. One of the Columbine shooters wrote on his website, ‘You know what I love? Natural selection! It’s the best thing that ever happened to the Earth. Getting rid of all the stupid and weak organisms.

Really? That’s what you’re starting with? Columbine? Fuck me.

To be fair, Bill isn’t all wrong. Kids do have an excuse to believe in natural selection, because it’s true. As for the Columbine murderers, I thought it was all Marilyn Manson’s fault. Sorry, I shouldn’t kid about this. Since I’m an evolutionist, I am likely to go on a shooting rampage, if I’m following Bill’s reasoning fully.

His next point? Darwinism is responsible for Hitler. That’s right.

Adolph Hitler duped an entire generation using Darwin’s evolution. He sought to preserve the favored race in the struggle for survival.

Well, now if I argue with the guy I’ll be labeled a fucking fascist. Nice work! You know what, fuck it. I’m not gonna get into Hitler, Jesus. Godwin’s Law is still safe and sound, though.

Eh, there’s three pages of bullshit in this letter to struggle though, but I’ll leave you with this final nugget.

The beautiful thing about this country is that we all have a right to believe in whatever we choose.

Twisting this into a First Amendment issue is disgusting. You can say what you want, and you can worship what you want, and you can protest what you want. But really, we cannot believe in whatever we want.

If I believe I am John F. Kennedy and only look nothing like him because of extreme surgery to hide my true identity, that’s not alright. That means I’m insane. Now, insane people have rights too, but they don’t get their ethos taught in our schools.

Granted, that would make school more fun!

To bring it back around to Bill’s horseshit: It’s not alright to believe that genocide is morally correct. It’s not alright to believe that killing your classmates and then yourself is a smart way to deal with teenage angst. And it’s not alright to expect Genesis to be taught to children in publicly funded schools just because you believe in it.

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This dude is my hero. No need for me to analyze this in any way, just read the story.

As they handcuffed him, the man pulled out pepper spray and squirted both deputies in the face. But the deputies finally corralled the man and put him into the back of Footman’s patrol car.

As they helped, the man shoved past the paramedics and Alvarez, and jumped into the front seat of the patrol car he had been in.

The man raced through three fences at Logan Gate Park, then bailed out as the car jumped an embankment. Deputies think he stole a truck and fled.

As you can imagine, homeboy has been arrested a few times. Some of my favorites include his ‘04 arrest for “operating a chop shop,” his ‘04 “scheme to defraud financial institution,” his ‘05 “false imprisonment” and his 11 “grand theft motor vehicle” charges. Bravo, dude, bravo.

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The image at right, stolen from charliecrist.com, struck me as really damn funny this morning. Assuming for a minute this quote came from pre-dead Rappin’ Ronnie, it is pretty amusing that he says he knows in his heart, primarily because he didn’t know shit with his brain. The Alzheimer’s ate that damn thing. I’m in a bad mood, so I’m not going to even fake apologize for being a dick about that, it is funny, lighten up.

Anyway, here’s an interesting question: when did RR say this about Chain Gang Charlie? If I’m not mistaken, Chuck joined the Florida Senate around ‘92, not really doing anything of particular note until 1998 when he challenged Bob Graham for the US Senate (and lost). Reagan announced in ‘94 that he had Alzheimer’s, disappearing from the public eye pretty much right after that. So… uh, by the time Chaz would have been on Reagan’s radar, wouldn’t Reagan have been past the years of a) remembering shit and b) endorsing candidates?

Now here’s the rub: it isn’t an endorsement at all, it is a quote saying “man” is good. Shit, it is engraved on the wall surrounding his grave. It sure as shit reads as an endorsement though, doesn’t it? And I bet they put it there specifically so that people would misread it and think that the good cowboy Reagen was a Crist supporter.

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In a shockingly well written piece in the Times, a look at the investigation into the state’s role in the I-4 pileup. I of course wrote a brilliant piece a few days ago exposing the out of control controlled burn, breaking the lid off this mother and spurring all local media outlets to pick the story up. You heard it here first, folks. Kind of like that one stupid thing the dude from Sticks of Whatever claims he broke back in 2000-noonecares, only way better.

Anyway, dudes, holy shit, this isn’t looking good for the state assmonkeys that started the fire. Granted the piece talks about all the steps they took before the burn, all seems by the book, but here’s where my mind promptly leapt out of my left ear:

A form that Burger filled out to document the controlled burn showed that the humidity measured 63 percent at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, so he and a crew of five other employees started the burn at 10:15 a.m.

Six flippin’ people?! You take six people out to start a fire during a drought? That’s it? And you are somehow surprised it was able to get out of hand? Jesus, man, I’ve had six drunk buddies over for a BBQ that promptly got out of hand. How the hell did they think they were taking necessary precautions with only six guys with their morning coffee?

The short of it is this, and seriously, you heard it here first: it is the state’s fucking fault. Find me the last time there was a 70 car pileup in Polk County due to fog. What’s that you say? Never? Just as I suspected.

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I totally got this press release from the RPOF and it said FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE in all caps at the top. Holy shit, I say to myself, I better not dick around. This is some serious shit here. I need to stop what I’m doing and release this shit IMMEDIATELY. Ahem. Yes.

Anyway, guess what? Florida is innovative, again. Well, not really, but that’s the word Governor Crist is looking to throw around in his next round of pointless-blah-blah-I’ve-got-big-plans speeches. You know, typical political stuff where you say a bunch of shit that can’t be refuted (because you’re basically just stating fact) in such a way that it sounds like you’ve got big plans to boost the economy right away, and by right away I mean never.

Anyway, let’s take a look at “Governor Crist Unveils Plan to Build Florida’s Innovation Economy.” Oh, and no, I didn’t change the formatting, for whatever reason the whole thing is just a bunch of random bullets.

• Entrepreneurial spirit: One of the most deep-rooted principles of the Republican Party.
• Today Governor Charlie Crist championed that principle, announcing a framework for developing Florida’s innovation economy and increasing our ability to compete in the global market.

Entrepreneurial, eh? There are some other deep-rooted principles that come to mind before that, but we’ll let that go. The second bullet prepares us for what sounds like an actual, working framework to accomplish shit, right?

• How will Governor Crist’s plan work to revive Florida’s economy?
  • Continue to discover and develop new technologies.
  • Rewarding innovation—finding new ways to do things better and faster—will lead to improved productivity.
  • Productivity then leads to competitiveness.
  • Being competitive in the global market leads to a prosperous economy in Florida.

OK, hmm. First bullet sounds good, discovering shit is good. Bullet 2 is fluff, “rewarding innovation leads to productivity” is an empty statement. Bullet 3 continues the fluff. Hmm, bullet 4 takes the fluff into hyperfluff territory by confusing people into thinking “yeah, yeah, you just said 3 statements in a row that end with some good shit for Florida, I’m on board!” Keep in mind bullets 2-4 do not answer how his plan will revive Florida’s economy. I’m sure the explanation of the framework itself will:

• The Framework:
  • Sustainable growth will ensure that our communities grow in a balanced way and that we are a leader in clean technologies.
  • A multimodal infrastructure—improving all of our ports (seaports, airports, spaceports and railports) will ensure paths to and from markets.
  • Research and development will create new products and processes in targeted industries such as clean technology.
  • Entrepreneurial systems such as improved access to capital and business incubation will ensure Florida-based business – in urban and rural communities alike – grow and prosper.
  • Improved education and workforce training will ensure Florida has world-class talent available in an innovation economy.

Ah yes, I’ve seen this before. You picked up an economics book and copied shit out of it. Sustainable growth, infrastructure, R & D, capital and education. This is your framework? Your framework is to do all the shit that people talk about all the time, but then never have actual, real plans to make any of them happen? Sweet.

I give Charlie points for one thing though: using the word spaceport. Are spaceships going to be able to dock more easily here? Badass. Visit beautiful Spaceport, Florida!

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I love stories like this one from Tampabay’s 10: “Can winter tornado disasters occur in Florida? Hellfuckshitzyea!” Actually I’m not sure if the hellfuck part was in the original story or not, but I’m pretty sure it was.

The gist of the story goes something like this:

1. Actual emergency occurs nowhere near here
2. News organizations everywhere play/write/report the shit out of the story
3. News organizations everywhere run out of angles actually related to said emergency
4. News organizations everywhere try to make it sound like said emergency is incredibly likely to occur in our own backyard

Simple, eh? I think that is like page 4 of Journalamizing for Dummies. Sherry Ray takes it a step further by tying in some extremely abnormal occurrences like:

On January 6, 1998 portions of central Florida were declared a federal disaster after damage from high winds, tornadoes and floods ravished the area. A month later, more deadly tornadoes … killed 42 people and caused millions of dollars in property damage across the state … the deadly tornado that killed at least 20 people in Lake County and caused an estimated $80 million in damage in neighboring Volusia County (in 2007).

Scope out the image below. It basically shows that between 1950 and 1998, there had been less than 1 tornado (F3 or above) in the majority of the state. Well, excepting the Twister ride at Universal of course.

In other words, barring the few deadly storms Sherry Ray quotes, it is more than highly unlikely that we face any danger like the storms in the Midwest. You gotta love the news. Just think how much harder their jobs would be if they actually reported helpful, non-sensational, non-biased information.

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Polk City, Florida — A controlled burn got out of control this afternoon at Interstate 4 and Old Grade Road near Polk City.The controlled burn was for 50 acres of state land, the permit pulled by Fish and Game Commission. The 50 acres quickly spread to 250 acres.

No homes are in danger at this point. The Division of Forestry tells us this fire is a prime example of dry brush and last week’s freeze conditions combining to be the perfect fuel to feed a brush fire.

Know what else is a prime example of a perfect fuel to feed a brush fire? Setting it intentionally. Yeah, that oughta do it. Doh!

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It is with a heavy heart that I share the terrible news that our beloved topherchris has passed away. Astute readers may have noticed that he has not posted since November 2nd, which isn’t all that abnormal since his posts are few and far between. In fact, neither brightlight nor I were all that concerned considering that in many cases topherchris will disappear for weeks on end, only to reappear in Mexico naked, penniless, smelling of formaldehyde and blathering on about baby powder and cactus juice. We still haven’t quite figured that one out yet.

We patiently awaited that familiar collect call from somewhere deep in Jalisco, but it never came. Instead we were visited by some lovely fellows in black Suburbans, all dressed in similar dark suits and sunglasses. During intense questioning they kept insisting on repeating all of our answers into their shirt cuffs, not sure what that was all about. At the end of it all, they informed us that his body was recovered from a tree in Pinellas Park. A tall tree. In what is perhaps a sad coincidence he was found naked, penniless and smelling of formaldehyde. That was all the detail they could give us.

We would appreciate your thoughts and condolences in the comments, we will share them with the lovely fellows in the black Suburbans. Feel free, also, to include professional writing resumes in the comments if you are interested in replacing him. And no, a blog is not professional, so don’t even include those. We’re looking for published samples, television or movie scripts and really witty shit you wrote in your brother’s birthday card that one time.

Godspeed topherchris. Godspeed.

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As you may know, we’ve been doing some pimpin’ of Blackout Creations for some time now. It is with minor sadness that we share the news that Blackout is no more. Only minor sadness, though, because first off I am a dick, but also because Scott headed over to Classic Tattoos and Chris up and started Pale Horse in the same location.

So, this is most definitely a really damn good reason to go to Classic Tattoos and have one of the fine gentlemen give you a permanent reminder of your oh-so-clever-and-unique old school tattoo idea. Seriously, that idea is dope. And no worries, Pale Horse (still located on 9th) will be kicking off another show on March 15th, so mark your calendars.

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The 15-ton sperm whale euthanized off Fort Desoto on Tuesday was an old, emaciated female who was in very poor health, a necropsy of the massive mammal revealed Wednesday.

Ewww.

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Has anyone seen the billboards popping up ’round town for Red Letter Rebels? See article 1A below:

I, being of curious nature, and this billboard being of moderately intriguing nature resulted in a quick text message to myself:

OMFG, hi casey. u shud luk ^ redletterrebels.com tot! kthxbye!

Well, let’s take a peek, shall we? Hmm, not much I can glean from the homepage, suppose I should click on these intriguing images here, eh? Words, words, words…

Be a REBEL. Choose Abstinence.

What the?! Someone is buying billboards to tell the kiddies to avoid the seXXXors, without actually saying anything helpful on the billboard itself? That seems a tad strange. I, being of curious nature, do a little WHOIS on the domain and guess who owns it? If you said “a church,” give yourself a big pat on the back. Relevant Church in Tampa to be exact. You know, one of those new hip type churches. Jesus has a myspace. Get with it.

Here’s where it gets a lil’ convolutimicated, though. If you clicked on any of the learn more links back at redletterrebels.com you’d end up at More2Life, an organization designed to promote abstinence. Check out their “about us” and you get this:

More2Life!, formerly known as United Students for Abstinence (USA100), was conceived by the original founders of the Pregnancy Center of Pinellas County. In December 1998, a Florida state grant enabled the center to take a larger leap in prevention services. A small staff was hired, materials were created and approved by the Pinellas County School Board, and USA100 began presenting in school health classes.

So, hang on a sec. What’s the tie between an organization receiving state grants (and preachin’ in public schools), and a hip church in Tampa? I’m a bit foggy on my history, but wasn’t there something in some old, important document about separation of church and state? I’m too lazy to dig much further, so you, fine readers, need to step the hell up and tell me what is going on here.

Oh, also, fuck you very much if you are about to say something like “oh, so now you’re for teen pregnancy? you insensitive bastard! seriously, try pooping a basketball and you’ll know what we women go through.” I’m all for abstinence in the county of Pinellas, there are way too many idiot kids who wind up preggers.

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