Here we are, still debating whether or not Darwin’s theory of evolution is a fundamental concept of biology — which likewise means we’re still debating what exactly to teach our kids about this trivial little topic. I vote for science over voodoo, but I don’t get a vote on the matter. That’s up to our State Board of Education.

Don’t get me wrong, you want to teach your kids that God made modern humans a few thousand years ago? Cool. Homeschool them. That’s your right, so use it. Go crazy!

I don’t have a problem with any of you wackos until you start demanding that “alternative theories” be taught in public schools. Even the phrase “alternative theories” pisses me off. We all know what you mean there… unless you plan on covering the sacred legend of how the Flying Spaghetti Monster rubbed its noodly appendages together and created mankind out of a pair of tasty meatballs.

Hi there Bill Foster! Your ideas are shit and so is your face!

Yes, I thought I’d heard everything on this issue. Leave it to Bill Foster, who just recently left public office as an esteemed member of the St. Petersburg City Council, to open my eyes to a new series of arguments in favor of fairy tails. Bill has a few theories on biology, and as a lawyer, he’s fully qualified to share them in a letter he sent to the Pinellas School Board.

Quoting…

Evolution gives our kids an excuse to believe in natural selection and survival of the fittest, which leads to a belief that they are superior over the weak. This is a slippery slope. One of the Columbine shooters wrote on his website, ‘You know what I love? Natural selection! It’s the best thing that ever happened to the Earth. Getting rid of all the stupid and weak organisms.

Really? That’s what you’re starting with? Columbine? Fuck me.

To be fair, Bill isn’t all wrong. Kids do have an excuse to believe in natural selection, because it’s true. As for the Columbine murderers, I thought it was all Marilyn Manson’s fault. Sorry, I shouldn’t kid about this. Since I’m an evolutionist, I am likely to go on a shooting rampage, if I’m following Bill’s reasoning fully.

His next point? Darwinism is responsible for Hitler. That’s right.

Adolph Hitler duped an entire generation using Darwin’s evolution. He sought to preserve the favored race in the struggle for survival.

Well, now if I argue with the guy I’ll be labeled a fucking fascist. Nice work! You know what, fuck it. I’m not gonna get into Hitler, Jesus. Godwin’s Law is still safe and sound, though.

Eh, there’s three pages of bullshit in this letter to struggle though, but I’ll leave you with this final nugget.

The beautiful thing about this country is that we all have a right to believe in whatever we choose.

Twisting this into a First Amendment issue is disgusting. You can say what you want, and you can worship what you want, and you can protest what you want. But really, we cannot believe in whatever we want.

If I believe I am John F. Kennedy and only look nothing like him because of extreme surgery to hide my true identity, that’s not alright. That means I’m insane. Now, insane people have rights too, but they don’t get their ethos taught in our schools.

Granted, that would make school more fun!

To bring it back around to Bill’s horseshit: It’s not alright to believe that genocide is morally correct. It’s not alright to believe that killing your classmates and then yourself is a smart way to deal with teenage angst. And it’s not alright to expect Genesis to be taught to children in publicly funded schools just because you believe in it.