Thanks for nothing.

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So why the shit are certain precincts now making you get in line and check in based on your party affiliation? Isn’t this shit supposed to be anonymous? I swear I don’t remember it being like this last time. Also, the really encouraging bit is that there were something like 412 lines for Republicans, 2 for Democrats and 1 for me: Other!

Seriously, though, I’m thinking they are doing something not quite legal by forcing you to indicate your affiliation. I’m admittedly too lazy to do the research, but I really thought the whole point of this voting thing was that while your vote counted, it was between you and the gov. Granted standing in a line doesn’t indicate who/what I’m voting for, but it certainly lets everyone make a snap judgment on what kind of person I am.

Anyway, keep an eye out when you go and let me know if they are doing the same at your polling place. Shit, comment either way as I’m just curious how many places are doing it this way now.

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If you don’t know where to go, search for it here. Then go vote tomorrow between 7 am and 7 pm. Oh, and in case you forgot:

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Seriously? Yes, seriously. Looks like some dumb bitch out for a good time at Club Skye or some other abomination in Ybor decided it would be wise to pick a fight with a horse. Le sigh.

Angelica Rene Ayala, 26, of 2511 W. Conrad St., grabbed the reins of a black quarterhorse named Buddy and punched the animal in the neck, police say.

Awww, not Buddy! Angelica, who is clearly not sober based on the picture at right, was invited earlier in the night to partake in a little Donkey Punching with her boyfriend… apparently she misunderstood. Look it up kids, a good time guaranteed for all!

The crack research department here at the Splog tracked down some phone cam footage here. Crazy stuff.

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So last week this video pops up on YouTube, posted by an outfit called “In the Line of Duty.” Apparently these cats produce training videos for law enforcement officials, and one of the topics was the St. Pete riots. It looks like they just post a few minutes in order to entice law enforcement agencies to buy the full videos, so unfortunately we only get 4:44 of awesome 80s 3D animation and music. It still blows my mind to think this was only a tad more than 10 years ago and further blows my mind when you stop to think how far we nave not come since then. I’d say we may have made things worse in those 10 years since and an incident like this probably wouldn’t be that far fetched today.

What’s interesting to me was scanning Wikipedia for information and realizing there is only a very short entry for the riot, which reads very much like it was written by the police department. Scan the main list of riots, list of race riots and list of incidents of civil unrest and we get pretty good billing. It seems a little strange that there isn’t more documentation of the riot on the vast internets, is it a good cover up job or lazy St. Petersburg public? Also, in case you didn’t look at it, yay to America for kicking every other country’s ass combined on the list of race riots. We score an 89 compared to the UK’s totally pussy 23 and the rest of the world can only muster 41 all working together. We sure know how to not get along!

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Hopefully you all remember the last video from Aisha and Jake, a moving exploration of a young interracial relationship in downtown St. Pete. You’ll be glad to know that Aisha added another video just a few days ago!! Ah to be young, in love, and have a YouTube account.

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Yeah, I bet when you read that headline you, like me, were filled with a strange mixture of mild interest and severe wtf??!1! I think I might liken it to having some orange juice too soon after you’ve brushed your teeth. I’m sure you, like me, thought, “Hmm, it seems a little odd that TLC would pick Tampa as the next location for the series, since you know, they already did one in Miami, and you know, uh, it’s Tampa.”

Fear not, dear reader, your sense of reality and your uncanny ability to predict all things related to reality television are still solid. The Learning Channel doesn’t have a goddamn thing to do with this show. According to this awesometastic tbo.com article, it’s actually being put out by a dude named Mike Cooper, but I prefer to call him by his other name, Capt. Mike. While the article on Capt. Mike’s television venture notes that homewad “has made several local fishing shows,” I prefer to get my info from the source, which in this case is the the bio linked from the Tampa Ink site. Oh, I see, so “several shows” actually means several episodes of the same show. Crafty, Capn’, very crafty.

It’s really not apparent from any of the info presented what separates that dude from the dude who is chained to an editing deck cleaning up the sounds of muffled flatulence in the audio feed of The View, but hey, he says he’s a television producer; who am I to demand reference to credentials and show credits that would support that?

Apparently, with this article we’re back in that fun world of media make believe that we seem to have around here where people get press for talking about all the rad shit they’re doing in their imaginations. I am starting a unicorn cloning facility in Lealman. Get a news van over here pronto.

I don’t necessarily think this should reflect on the shop he’s “profiling.” I’ve never been there; I’m sure it’s an awesome shop. I just hope they’re making that dude pay for all the work he’s apparently getting done (Snaggle-toothed skull tearing through flesh? Check. A sprawling seascape as a back piece with his charter boat as the centerpiece? Pending.).

Probably the best part about the article is their hope “in March” (specificity makes it true, too) to get acquired by TLC, or you know, The Discovery Channel. We’ll just let the fact that TLC is a sub of Discovery slide. They knew that. Totally. This actually seems pretty likely, because if there’s one thing I’m sure about it’s that TLC is all about reacquiring their own brands for extraordinarily large sums of money. Deep sea fishing money, broseph. Cease and desist in three, two . . .

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Wow, I just got the Tampabay.com Entertainment Newsletter (which I swear I didn’t sign up for) and found 3 way-too-young-to-be-dressed-like-that faces staring back at me. I of course diligently clicked on it (for research purposes, you see) and had no other choice but to coin a new phrase: tbtbait. It looks like whatever party the creepy tbt photog was at on the 18th was full of yungins. Take a peek:

And my personal favorite: “The black X on our tiny little hands means we’re underage, AND LESBIAN!1!!”

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Voting time is coming around kiddies and it is time to let Uncle Charlie know that his tax cut for the rich is about as good an idea as a hot poker up the pooper. The Times has a good story today about how our public safety folks (police, firefighters, etc.) feel about what these tax cuts actually mean. Be sure to read up, voting like a douche is worse than not voting at all!

They (public safety officials) say an earlier property tax rate rollback approved by Crist and the Legislature has already forced cuts in their budgets and Amendment 1 will make it worse at a time when taxpayers want more services, not less.

Imagine that! When taxes are lowered, that means less money going to the gov’t. Now, I agree with you that the gov’t is a dark, evil, no good entity not to be trusted, however they do provide a variety of helpful services like arresting homeless people and such. Less money going in means less money to pay these folks, which inevitably means cuts - no way to talk yourself out of this Charlie. But, give it a try just for shits and giggles:

Crist has described the predictions of police and firefighter layoffs as a scare tactic… “I don’t believe there will be a dropoff, whether it’s fire protection or police protection,” Crist said. “Most people in local government are good, responsible stewards.”

Ah yes, begin by insulting them, that’s always a good idea. And guess what, dicktard? Being responsible stewards means cutting money in other areas to avoid cutting public safety dollars. You know, like social, cultural, after school, disability support and a whole asston of other services. Sorry, you fail.

So remember kids, vote no on 1. $9.3-billion in cuts sure as shit doesn’t make sense when all you’ll see is $20/month.

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Am I crazy, or is the tallest point on the Bayside Bridge something like 20 feet? This story paints a picture of a heroic deputy risking life and limb to save a man from jumping off a harrowing overpass into the murky waters below. Which, if he was on the Skyway I could see. But, the Bayside? Someone go measure that shit and add it to the Wikipedia entry.

Seriously though, I’m sorry shit sucks with your wife and kids. But really, threatening to jump of the Bayside is like saying you’re heading to the high dive and totally going head first. Shit, that actually sounds fun, if I wasn’t such a lazy asshole I’d totally try it myself. In the future, however, take your own suicide more seriously, all this would have resulted in is one mean belly flop.

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I’m not even going to try to pretend to understand the nature of the peculiar genetic defect that makes it impossible for a large segment of the population to make simple decisions based on space and time at four-way stops. I can only imagine that if you happen to suffer from this defect that you already have no idea what I’m talking about. Please, by all means, continue to wait until there are no cars within 300 miles before you venture out into the intersection, even though you were the first to arrive at the stop. And stop trying to pass off your automotive incompetence as charity. It’s your fucking turn. Go.

Apparently, these things are difficult enough on crystal clear days in the absence of all obstacles, which is why I recommend you avoid completely the intersection of 9th Ave N and Bay Street NE, as there is a particularly vindictive palm tree that has decided to hide the stop sign there so that you can’t really see it until you’re about five feet away. No, seriously.

What’s this? Smooth sailing, floor it, Timmy.

Same spot. Two steps to the left. Oh snap! Where did that thing come from?

Palm tree of doom.

Ow. The question, it burns. Is it your fucking job to trim this tree? Send us a note and tell us why you suck at it.

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We’ve totally covered the racism that is rampant on the Times site before, and it is good to check back in and realize they are still going strong. The internets just delivered an awesome story about middle school gangsters being arrested in Clearwater, which for whatever reason struck me as hilarious:

Police arrested seven juveniles this morning at Kennedy Middle School in Clearwater, saying they were gang members involved in a robbery.

Man, I didn’t realize middle school gangsters were such a problem these days. And really, a bunch of 11 year old thugs is a visual that will keep me giggling the whole day through. In typical media fashion the facts are a tad screwy, or at least lacking. The “robbery” was that they took a dude’s jacket, not sure I’d have chosen the word robbery to lead the story. Before I joined a gang when I was 9, I totally had my jacket swiped a few times and I don’t think anyone was ever arrested for robbery on account of it. Second screwy thing isn’t the Times, but rather the 5-0 who charged one of the kids with aggravated battery and trespass with a deadly weapon. The little dude had a knife, probably a pocket knife. And really, fighting in school is aggravated battery these days? Weak.

Anyway, the follow up racism in the comments is the great part here:

waffoe i need skoo fo? wy dees PO- lees beatin’ my haid in fo? play mo rap! wees be provin’ de white man rite, man! My God! Is there any hope left? Posted by: wazzamattaU | January 17, 2008 at 03:06 PM

Wow. Just wow. If you’re going to be a racist, get your shit straight, it was a Latin gang. You know, say shit like ¡híjole! and whatnot. Additionally, the fight started because the hardcore gangsters thought the other kid was a member of Sur-13, or Sureños, another Latin gang. That’s right, no white people were harmed in the making of this story. At least this dude got his facts straight in his racist comment:

They are all illegals or a product of illegals. Thank Sid Klein for making Clearwater a sanctuary city for illegal mexicans. Posted by: Rich | January 17, 2008 at 03:26 PM

And this one:

Deport all of the illegals. Send these punks back to Latin America. Posted by: lute | January 17, 2008 at 03:49 PM

Seriously, just go check it out, awesomeness abounds.

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Sometime last night it looks like the city expanded their existing panhandling law. According to this Bay News 9 story, it sounds like we’re going to start locking up everyone and their brother, which isn’t necessarily true. Since the 70s we’ve had panhandling laws in place, the new bits primarily expand the reach of the law to places like the Pier, Vinoy and Williams parks. It is true, though, that panhandlers can indeed be jailed simply for asking for change.

What the fuck is wrong with us? Instead of exploring social programming that may help prevent the causes of homelessness we’d rather give ourselves reasons for persecuting the homeless and in some cases even jailing them? We live in a city that has had more public discourse on a fucking baseball stadium move than on the issue of the homeless. We live in a city that has largely already removed the poor from the downtown area to build empty condos for rich assholes, while simultaneously removing the junk shops and mom and pops to put in upscale douchebag stores and restaurants for said rich assholes.

It is so fitting that the guy they quote in the Bay News 9 story is the dickshift that owns the cigar bar on Central. You know what I’d rather have downtown than a bunch of assgobblers hanging out at cigar shops? That’s right, panhandlers. I just hope dickshift #2 that opened a cigar bar around the corner from dickshift #1 ends up splitting the finite amount of dongchompers that will buy overpriced cigars, effectively putting them both out of business.

I’m not saying I want to go sleep in the park with homeless people, or that I give to them with any regularity. Hell, I probably find it just as annoying as the next guy, but I also find it really disturbing when this is the official party line from the city:

City leaders say the newer version is just the beginning to keeping a destination place exactly that, despite the possibility the panhandlers could get pushed into the surrounding neighborhoods.

Yes, city leaders are more concerned about the tourist industry than the homeless, but that’s not all! They are also going on record saying you don’t matter, fuck you very much if the homeless end up on your front lawn, just as long as we keep the Vinoy full.

I’ll only give this one long, run on sentence because I’ll cover it more later: VOTE NO ON 1 - social programming is at stake because Charlie “holy fuck I paid a lot in taxes on my mansions” Crist and others have decided that you deserve an extra $200 a year instead of that money going to programs that not only help you, but more importantly those less fortunate than you. And if you get a chance, tell them that they can suck a fat dick if they think any of your money should go to moving a baseball stadium instead of supporting the poor, the disabled and a long list of better uses for our tax dollars.

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Got a $5 bill burning a hole in your pocket? Want to stay up really late on a Thursday night? Good news! You can take that $5 and turn it into a night of the rawk with Auto!Automatic!!, Capillary Action and Insect Joy at the New World Brewery, this very night!

I’m digging Capillary Action quite a bit, these cats hail from Philly and describe themselves as “everything from melodic death metal rave-ups, fractured no wave-inspired crescendos, Latin rhythms, video game music, lazy alt-country pop, lounge jazz, new wave synths, and mathy melodies.” Should be interesting at the very least. And as has been very clear to date, we here at the Splog are fans of hometown heroes A!A!!, so you really can’t go wrong with that.

Just don’t blame me that Insect Joy is basically unlistenable.

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If you don’t want to drive to Tampa tomorrow night, consider hitting up the Highly Recommended: Emerging Artist Invitational at Florida Craftsmen. The show sounds awesome, featuring works by new artists with no prior solo exhibition experience. The opening reception is Friday from 6-9 p.m.

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