Awwww, balls. You know just when I thought the conditions were right for Florida to heave itself from the primordial ooze and into something ambitious like say, the late 19th century, someone has to come along and start throwing bibles and shit around.

Things were looking up on the Cleetus front, really they were. The scientifically-challenged Cheri Yecke didn’t get picked to be Florida’s education commissioner. Then, in an unprecedented display of low-level cognition, education officials recently revised the state’s formerly laughable science standards to actually include the word evolution. No shit, really. I know, me too, my stigmata totally itches whenever I even hear that word.

Anyway, this move elicited an enthusiastic “meh” from scientists at the Fordham Institute — the body that years prior did a collective spit take when viewing the old standards. Fordham Fellow Dr. Phineas P. Simianson even went so far as to offer a lukewarm congratulations, stating “Hey, good job sucking slightly less you guys.” Take that Turkey!

Don’t get too excited, however. State Board of Education member Donna Callaway has just come out and stated that she’ll be voting against the new standards. Apparently she has a problem with evolution being taught at the exclusion of other theories of life, and she wants all you Christian types out there to pray really hard that these standards get struck down. No, really, she said that. She goes further to state that, you know, it could be a really traumatic thing for a child to be divested of his or her completely ridiculous beliefs about the world by something like science.

Indeed, that child might do something dangerous like excel in biology or computer science. Boy would that suck for everybody.

• 1 Comment

Sweet baby Jesus, Florida has reached some new level of sad sad freakiness. Ladies and gentlemen I give you 6-year-old Morgan Katocs and the story of the Sad relic of wreck back on eBay’s block. 

Morgan Katocs, a 6-year-old trying to rid herself of bad memories from a car accident in July, has hit a glitch. Morgan’s family is selling on eBay a neck brace that Morgan no longer needs, with the proceeds going to the Tampa Chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. After the Times published a story Saturday on the auction, more than 3,000 people viewed the eBay listing and bids topped $400. But eBay staffers said there was a technical error in the way the item was listed - so now Morgan’s family had to restart the process. The bidding ends on Saturday. To find it, go to eBay and type in “bad memories.”  

Um. What? Is this a noble move for a good cause, or a really sick exploitation of this poor little girl? I’m scared. Either way I felt compelled to bid considering all the images on the auction are of this little girl in a flippin’ hospital.  What in the hell? Could it be that the “technical error” eBay mentioned was bad taste? Sheesh.UPDATECheck this comment and note that the auction now says:  ”This listing (120192636328) has been removed or is no longer available. Please make sure you entered the right item number. If the listing was removed by eBay, consider it canceled.” Hmmmmmm.

• 6 Comments

I remember 1876 very fondly. You see, that was the year I invented pants. I was sitting in my lab, enjoying a scalding hot cup of hot chocolate when I managed to spill some on myself. “Watson! Come in here at once,” I cried. Watson rushed in, naked at the waist as we all were at that time, and threw me a towel. It was then that I began to wonder if it might be possible to cover oneself with some sort of fabric-based contraption as a way to preempt life’s various abrasions, scaldings and general injustices. Something you could wear on a daily basis. Something very much like the shirts we already had, but you know, leg shirts. Shirts for your legs. Eureka! Pants.

Ok, well maybe I didn’t invent pants, but I totally invented a company that sells pants. That’s right, I said “invented a company.” This seems like a sufficient level of innovation to get me covered in the news. Why, just ask Dunedin entrepreneur John Dobrzeniecki whose company Primo-Lock is the subject of this awesometastic Bay News 9 story. See, Dobrzeniecki “came up with the idea” for remote, keyless home entry “about eight years ago,” but, you know, just got around to inventing a company that sells something that someone else invented. Wait, did you just say what I think you said:

Dobrzeniecki got the green light from another company who makes the product. He uses their product, but invented his own company called Primo-Lock.

Holy shit, you did.

Wait, what? You had the idea eight years ago that shit like doors could be opened with a remote device? I wonder if there’s a way for me to get into my garage without leaving my car. Hmmm. I think we all might be on to something here. This is almost as revolutionary as leg shirts.

I don’t even know what’s being invented here. I don’t think the reapplication of a technology counts as invention. I really don’t think that the mere distribution of someone else’s reapplication of a preexisting technology counts as invention. I guess I have to salute the author’s efforts to not let the facts get in the way of a story angle.

The good news is that the RF locks they install have special lights and beeps to let homeowners know when they’ve locked or unlocked their door. Fucking awesome! You know what the world needs more of? That serenity-piercing beepsquelch noise that your neighbor can’t seem to disable on his ‘87 Astrovan, that’s what. I hope they’ll also start selling poorly calibrated home alarm systems that go off for eight hours at a time when a squirrel farts.

• 10 Comments

The brilliance of Florida shines again! This is an awesome quote from this brief: 14 injured in mosh pit during rock concert

Deputy Chief Steve Delai of Palm Beach Fire Rescue says it’s unclear what caused the incident at the Buzz Bake Sale on Saturday. He says he thinks the concert attendees got a little rambunctious.

Uh, right… rambunctiousness in a mosh pit. Hmm. I know it sounds crazy, but he may be onto something here. In fact, I think I heard some kids say that moshing itself might be somewhat of a rambunctious activity.

Let me take a moment to congratulate the mosh pit and its voraciousness. I am always pretty amazed that mosh-related injuries aren’t in the news more often. I’m going to posit that the abundance of mind altering substances of an either legal or illegal nature might perhaps skew the findings in that one might not realize the extent of ones injuries until after the effects have worn off. In other words, dude, that boot print on your skull is totally going to be sore tomorrow.

• 1 Comment

Can we just start by agreeing this is one scary looking, fat fuck? No wonder you have to go lil’ girl fishin’ on the internetz when you look like a giant squeezed all the organs out of your body and into your head.

Anyway, apparently Rico Suave here lured a 14 year old Polk county girl to a hotel via MySpace. Then he ate her. Actually I’m not sure about that last fact, but I am sure that Richard R. Gagnon met a 14 year old girl in a Lakeland hotel and had done so on five other occassions. As you can guess, the hotel stay included free towels, miniature soap and lewd battery and molestation.

Seriously, kids, get off the MySpace. I am going to start buying air time and running commercials of this dude reminding you why you need to kill your account. “Howdy kids, I’m Richie. You like MySpace? Me too. Know what else I like? Eating the flesh of children. NOM NOM NOM.” The campaign will be called Say No No No to Nom Nom Nom. What do you think?

• 3 Comments