You like how I put that dude’s name right in the headline? That’s gonna bring in a Google snipe or two, just you wait. Yes, Google sniping - the blog phenomenon whereby people or organizations set with vanity Google alerts get pinged about something on your blog, and then leave a comment that is so contextually blind that it could only come from someone who has never actually seen your blog before.

Examples? Why of course. There’s the dude who commented on this post about Segways, who I imagine has a Google alert set for the word “Segway” and makes a minor hobby of commenting on blogs wherever that word appears. And then there was the time I mentioned the one nutjob responsible for there being a FOIA record for the FBI’s investigation of a local case of spontaneous combustion. Yes, that dude actually contacted us. He likes to write in all caps, which you know, means he’s totally not crazy. He actually runs some interesting sites that we might mention. I’m sure we’ll hear from that dude again. HEY BUDDY!

Back to the matter at hand. Times education writer Jeffrey Solochek recently conducted an email interview with new Education Commissioner Eric Smith, the contents of which he posted in the Times‘ education blog. The title, “Smith Dodges on Science Standards,” is a bit of an understatement.

Now, nature and technology provide all kinds of examples where distributed intelligence and processing are really swell things. Right this very moment hundreds of thousands of CPUs are donating spare cycles to help crunch data for the betterment of the world. Sure, some of them are being used to crack your database password and maybe send out a few emails about your penis here and there, but hey, why let a few rogue drones mess with my analogy?

I never really considered that the hive mind thing would be applicable to people like education commissioners. You know, people who get selected for those positions based on their ability to think independently, stand out from the crowd, apply their personal experience to situations, analyze them with singular intelligence and execute shit. I guess I was wrong.

The Borg are among us, and they have assimilated Eric Smith. Seriously, check the responses in the interview. It’s like Solochek is interviewing a chat bot with a special flair for having no opinion whatsoever. First question:

As a science teacher and department chair, how did you deal with the question of evolution in the classroom?

Given that it has been more than 30 years, I really couldn’t speak to the specifics of my lesson plans, but as Commissioner my goal is to prepare students as best as possible for whatever career or post secondary educational choices they may make.

Dude, what the fuck? I see, while your prior background as an educator might be considered one of those things that qualifies your to have your job, when it really comes down to it, all that experience is basically lost to the sands of time. Yeah, sorry Jeff, I really have no recollection of what I was even doing thirty years ago. Seriously, sometimes I have these really vivid dreams about sequins. I may have been a costume designer for Kenny Rogers. I’m just not sure. What’s clear is that my prior experience should in no way be expected to have a bearing on my current position.

Yeah, the rest of the interview is about as awesome as that. Solochek asks reasonable questions like, “Do you believe evolution should be taught in the science curriculum?”, and Smith consistently fails to have an opinion. Let’s not forget that the dude was a science teacher. At least be entertaining or something, dude. There are ways to be utterly spinelessly noncommittal without completely insulting the forum in which you’re being allowed to speak and the people who might give a shit what you actually think.

That is, of course, unless you’re a Borg drone, and then it’s fine. I mean, no one expects an individual Borg drone to really be able to speak at length as to the complex politics behind why it’s engaged in the process of destroying your culture. Resistance is futile, bitches.

Why even post that crap at all? I think it’s to Solochek’s credit as a sort of passive exposure of douchebaggery. It’s like, ok, if you’re going to be that way, then I want to place this in its proper context to illuminate just how ridiculous you sound, Smitty. I think it worked.