Face it, no matter how stern, yet secretly cool your dad is, you aren’t getting that Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. Oh, and if you finally lose your shit and face up to the bully that’s been screwing with you and the neighborhood kids, you’re going to get your ass kicked. Don’t believe the movies. As such, we suggest you take the holidays into your own hands and plan to soak in all the sugary sweet goodness that is Christmas in the ‘burg.

Now - Dec. 31 | Holiday Display Extravaganza
I don’t know if I believe this, but the good mayor mentioned at the tree lighting that businesses along Beach Dr., Central Ave. and 1st Ave, N. and S. are dressing their windows up old school style. I make no guarantees on the accuracy of that.

Dec. 1, 10 am | Santa Parade
This is an 80 year old tradition - in other words you best not miss it. Parade route runs along Central Ave. to the waterfront, north on Bayshore Drive to 5th Ave. N.

Dec. 1, 11 am - 3 pm | Snowfest
Head to North Straub Park for some tobogganing on real snow and skating on some fake ice. The ice rink lasts until the 23rd when it inexplicably melts. Bring $5 for 30 minutes, and if you go Thursday - Sunday Santa’s dumbass will be there.

Dec. 7 & 8, 7:30 pm | The Chocolate Nutcracker
Yeah, it is what you think it is. Mahaffey Theater, $27 - $47.

Dec. 8, 5:30 - 9 pm | Deck The Halls
Visit Artspace (above Craftsman Gallery) and buy some $5 artist-made ornaments with proceeds benefiting The Hospice of the Florida Suncoast.

Dec. 8, 5:30 - 7 pm | The Great Figgy Pudding Street Corner Caroling Competition
Don’t miss the chance to laugh at a bunch of assholes singing holiday classics in a contest format at North Straub Park.

Dec. 8, 6:30 - 8:30 pm | Lighted Boat Parade at The Pier
Stop by the Pier to check out a bunch of rich doucehbags decorate their boats. Be sure to bring rocks to throw at them.

Dec. 8, 8 pm | Tuba Christmas
Stick around after the boat parade because nothing says Christmas like a shit ton of tubas. Well, tubas and your druncle beating you with a plastic bowling pin you got for Christmas. Don’t act like you don’t have a drunk uncle that shows up and ruins family parties. Well, I suppose if you have a normal family you don’t have a druncle, in which case get the fuck off our blog.