Tommy Danger lives in Clermont, Florida. He likes to rave. You can find him on YouTube. In fact, here’s Tommy now “doing a bit of liquid during Edgar V at Sunset 2007 in St. Petersburg, Florida.”

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Am I crazy or is the 97x Next Big Thing show horribly misnamed? Haven’t these bands already been the next big thing, then the current big thing and then the previous big thing?

The Used - formed in 1994
Jimmy Eat World - formed in 1993
Chevelle - formed in 1994
Coheed & Cambria - formed in 1995

And Angels & Airwaves and Silversun Pickups are not exactly the next big things, I’d say they’re pretty big now. So, like, come on 97x, rename the stupid show

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I doubt it’s really a secret at this point that we here at the Splog treat the Breaking News blog over at the Times with the sort of reverence normally afforded to an angry tiki volcano god. Somehow, magically, every day it brings us a plentiful bounty of pure, Florida-grade genius from the far reaches of the underpass where Casey lives to the very heart of downtown St. Pete. I study it like a true devotee. I try not to anger it. Periodically I have to feed it a goat or two. Suffice it to say that I have cultivated an unhealthy familiarity with its finer details.

You might remember that at some point it looked like the editors decided to turn comments off on the blog. That didn’t seem to last long, as some posts were coming through with comments turned on. At first I thought that maybe having comments on was the default setting for posts and that, periodically, some writers simply forgot to turn them off.

I don’t think that’s the case, and besides, that would be the non-sensationalist explanation. It’s more interesting to try to find a pattern in the kinds of posts where comments are allowed. It was this post that got me to thinking about all this a little harder. Yes, Pasco is getting a mosque. The fact that it’s even getting mentioned is, of course, its own special kind of Florida issue.

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I’m waaaaay too lazy to do the research and fully understand who pays for directional signs on the Interstate, but I think it is safe to assume it comes from the taxes of good folks like you and me. As such, it troubled me a little when I noticed on my way home last night that they are beginning to replace all the signs that say “Devil Rays” with signs that say “Tampa Bay Rays.” Um, what now? You can’t seriously be spending pothole-fixin’ money to make some douchebag God-fearin’ team happy by removing Devil from their name… can you?

If any of you fine readers are feeling up to some online digging, I’d be terribly interested in knowing how these things work. Since the signs basically advertise for the Rays, are they paying for their replacement? I’d feel uberbetter if that were the case, so please, try to be just a tad unlazier than I and get searching.

Oh, and sad news: next to go is State Road 666. Consider this a war on Satan.

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So apparently there’s this totally awesomeballs nursing home here in the ‘burg that just topped a pretty prestigious list: the nation’s worst nursing homes. We should seriously be proud, people, there are over 16,000 Medicare-funded nursing homes in this great nation and we’ve got one of the worst. Rock on St. Pete! If that wasn’t enough to get excited about there are also 2 more in Florida, tying us with Georgia, Missouri and Washington for the most shitastic nursing homes in one state!

Let’s all take a moment to congratulate the assholes at Apollo Health & Rehab Center on the corner of 10th Ave and 24th St N. If you’d like to send them a personal note, you’ll have to go old school and call since apparently you don’t even need a website to run a douchebag nursing home. Just ask for Jon Bradford at (727) 323-4711.

Seriously people, this is Florida. We have old people here. If we’re going to do one thing right (which sure as shit isn’t voting), we ought to be able to take care of old people.

Update

Those lazy bastards at the Times stole another one of our stories. Fortunately, however, it has a lot more detail.

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Someone please call this number and tell me what the balls is going on here:

Not that there’s anything all that funny about MS — well, that is until someone tries to raise money to fight it with a cardboard sign, a sharpie, one of Bernie’s Hawaiian shirts, and a used latex glove from the never-aired pilot of CSI: Seminole. If it’s legit, though, you should go and buy me shit. Something from the limited Bradenton run of Mama Mia would be tits.

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It just wouldn’t be a Splog review if we didn’t boil down 2 hours of important national political conversation into a couple of moderately amusing pictures.

The award for the most impressive public speaker definitely goes to Mike Huckabee. I suppose spending years as a southern Baptist minister will prepare you for lying well in public, but I was impressed with his ability to spit out perfect sound bites that seemed to get the most applause.The award for “holy fucking shit you gotta stop with the plastic surgery” goes to RPOF chairman Jim Greer. Dude, WTF?! Back away from the scalpel.

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Maybe the absurdly high concentration of republicans in my neighborhood presently has got me thinking about women’s rights. I mean, if a temporary spike in right-leaning douchehattery in your neighborhood doesn’t make you reminisce about the many feminist initiatives led by the Southeast generally then you, dear reader, haven’t been paying attention.

I had all this in mind today when I ran across this article informing me that, in an act that will surely end with them all cast in bronze and placed next to a colossal statue of Susan B. Anthony, the Pinellas-Pasco State Attorney’s Office has decided to drop the charge of prostitution against the clinically depressed, schizophrenic woman lured to that fat dude’s house in Port Richey and held as his sex slave for weeks on end.

You may remember this story from a while back. I wrote about it, and it was like, totally on the cover of *tbt one day. Seriously, how could you not remember? Anyway, yes, Port Richey resident Drew Kobak, aka Master Drew, Heatmiser, Lunchbox, etc not only committed the crime of trying to pass off bad facial hair as a jaw line, he also lured a young, clinically unstable woman from her home in Maryland and made her his contractual sex slave. Well, who knows? Maybe she wasn’t completely schizophrenic at the time. As her father notes, she did leave the house that day with a week’s worth of medication. Did I mention she was nineteen at the time?

I’m just glad the crack team of forward-thinking attorneys over there thought it might be prudent to reconsider their original position that if this poor woman hadn’t had a vagina none of this would have happened in the first place. No, wait a minute folks, I think in this case she might actually be a . . . shit, now what was that word again? Oh, victim. Right. Well, I mean, we’ll have to find some way around this fake contract she signed. I mean, it’s not like she’s schizophrenic or something. Wait, what’s that? Awww, balls. Ok, there’s that and the fact that this Drew character used a script font when he typed the thing. That pretty much renders any contract invalid, right?

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I didn’t want to go to your stupid ass debate anyway. I just got this e-mail last night - thanks for the prompt service on my numerous requests for either a press pass, or normal person tickets to your dumb debate. I guess the only people in attendance will be jerkfaces that give money to the RPOF, eh? I hope the protesters outside get rambunctious and overturn the CNN truck. Go Gators!@!!!1

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Face it, no matter how stern, yet secretly cool your dad is, you aren’t getting that Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas. Oh, and if you finally lose your shit and face up to the bully that’s been screwing with you and the neighborhood kids, you’re going to get your ass kicked. Don’t believe the movies. As such, we suggest you take the holidays into your own hands and plan to soak in all the sugary sweet goodness that is Christmas in the ‘burg.

Now - Dec. 31 | Holiday Display Extravaganza
I don’t know if I believe this, but the good mayor mentioned at the tree lighting that businesses along Beach Dr., Central Ave. and 1st Ave, N. and S. are dressing their windows up old school style. I make no guarantees on the accuracy of that.

Dec. 1, 10 am | Santa Parade
This is an 80 year old tradition - in other words you best not miss it. Parade route runs along Central Ave. to the waterfront, north on Bayshore Drive to 5th Ave. N.

Dec. 1, 11 am - 3 pm | Snowfest
Head to North Straub Park for some tobogganing on real snow and skating on some fake ice. The ice rink lasts until the 23rd when it inexplicably melts. Bring $5 for 30 minutes, and if you go Thursday - Sunday Santa’s dumbass will be there.

Dec. 7 & 8, 7:30 pm | The Chocolate Nutcracker
Yeah, it is what you think it is. Mahaffey Theater, $27 - $47.

Dec. 8, 5:30 - 9 pm | Deck The Halls
Visit Artspace (above Craftsman Gallery) and buy some $5 artist-made ornaments with proceeds benefiting The Hospice of the Florida Suncoast.

Dec. 8, 5:30 - 7 pm | The Great Figgy Pudding Street Corner Caroling Competition
Don’t miss the chance to laugh at a bunch of assholes singing holiday classics in a contest format at North Straub Park.

Dec. 8, 6:30 - 8:30 pm | Lighted Boat Parade at The Pier
Stop by the Pier to check out a bunch of rich doucehbags decorate their boats. Be sure to bring rocks to throw at them.

Dec. 8, 8 pm | Tuba Christmas
Stick around after the boat parade because nothing says Christmas like a shit ton of tubas. Well, tubas and your druncle beating you with a plastic bowling pin you got for Christmas. Don’t act like you don’t have a drunk uncle that shows up and ruins family parties. Well, I suppose if you have a normal family you don’t have a druncle, in which case get the fuck off our blog.

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No, I mean, not my weed. Let’s just say theoretically it was my weed. I don’t suppose I could just swing by and liberate it could I? It belongs to a very powerful man with a hairless cat and a heinous case of glaucoma. Wait, let me take a step back here.

Perhaps you’ve heard by now that the Florida Highway Patrol found two deliciously large bags of weed on I-4 today and are really bending over backwards in an attempt to return them to their rightful owner. You know what I’m talking about kids; I’m talking about weed, mary jane, reefer, chronic, the stinky stinky skunk fuzz, Grinch pubes, 100% pure motivation, the cliffs notes to quantum theory in a bag, or, as I like to call it, the place where 7th grade went, or, more specifically, the reason why I came to blows with my friend Matt Rice over the issue of which was a better metal tribute to Native Americans, Maiden’s “Run to the Hills,” or Anthrax’s “Indians.” Sorry about what I did to your Datsun, brody.

Anyway, the FHP went so far as to publish their number in a press release about the misplaced Xmas decorations, noting that anyone who is missing their weed should call them. Seriously, 813.631.4020. What a swell bunch of dudes.

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I want to say that I hate to give a bad review to something, but that’s just crap… I love it. However, it does pain me a bit when the bad review is going to the Arts Center since I have quite a fondness for them. Unfortunately, despite being uber excited about their Skin City show I finally got around to going and I must pass the following information on as a good citizen: it sucks balls.

No, really, it is bad. The only thing that stood out in my mind was the photography of John Wyatt which was impressive not only technically, but also the people he chose to shoot. Buy that book for someone for Christmas, it kicks ass. It also prevents you from having to go to the Skin City show. You’re welcome!

It is a bit disappointing that the Arts Center was poised to elevate tattooing to a respected art form in our little neck of the woods and instead they’ve most likely turned people off by choosing amateur looking material. Oh well, guess they can’t get everything right. I’ll just have to keep heading over the bridge to the shows in Tampa that do a whole lot better earning real artists respect.

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Blogs that get popular, win an award and then stop posting. Too fucking funny.

* I still love you all. Also, funny side note on the above image. If you run a blog, don’t embed images from other people’s sites, ’cause those people may get smart and fuck with you. Check out a few gems from this douchebag SEO blog: retards, kiss my ass and asshat. At least the SEO bit is working, a search for “kiss my ass” returns that Homer image as number one.

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No, seriously, you can trust Uncle Charlie. This story is a moderately good read about Florida voters not being all that excited about the property tax plan Crist and Co have come up with. I like this in particular:

The survey of 800 Florida voters also shows that 44 percent believe the state is headed in the wrong direction, property insurance is the top pocketbook worry, and legislators are doing an abysmal job on property taxes and insurance.

Hehe, you said abysmal. I think my absolute favorite part of the story though is the shady-as-shit image of Crist and Senate President Ken Pruitt they ran with the story. Look, I’ve done my fair share of lying in my time and the photographer has definitely captured Chuckie mid-fib.

You can trust me. Would I steer you wrong? Seriously, it’s me, Pretty Charlie. Don’t mind Ken in the background there giggling at the tale I’m spinning for you right now, we’re just a couple of friends telling each other the truth. Trust me.

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So, the new Rays logo is out and there are two seriously important things to be said at the beginning of this post:

1. Who the fuck got paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to create this piece of shit?!
2. Who the fuck came up with the idea of eliminating the word “Devil” from the logo, the new site and everything else?!

Dude, seriously, your new logo sucks fucking balls. Big fucking balls. This is not to say your previous logo was pure gold, but what in the shit were you thinking here?! Evidence below:

Um, what? This is all just a joke, right? I mean, I get it now, you couldn’t seriously have wanted Kevin Costner and his shitty band to play for any real logo unveiling. So this is all a joke, right? Please?

The new home and away uniforms, as well as the team’s new primary logo, feature “Rays” in navy-blue lettering cast with a light-blue shadow. The sunburst gleams from the letter “R.” The two hues of blue suggest the deep-blue waters and bright-blue sky for which Florida is known. The elongated tail of the “R” further reinforces the water imagery.

Sweet yeezus. You’re serious. And yes, the color blue and a really horribly swoopy R totally say water way more than an actual sting ray. Oh wait, though, that atrocious little starburst thing must mean light rays… so is it sting rays or light rays? Or… wait, I’m confused. In fact, I’m doubly confused by your decision to quietly remove the word “devil” from everything. Someone must have assumed that the Rays shitty record was a result of pissing off the lord, so a quick name change oughta fix that.

I think it is important to note that a lot of people are going to hate the logo for one reason or another, and in many cases it will just be a personal reaction to the design. And yes, I personally think it sucks. But I think what is really pissing me off is that it isn’t even done well. Take a close look at that starburst piece of shit at right. How long did you spend in Illustrator on that? 2 minutes? Could you have possibly made it more awkward and unbalanced? And the R looks a hell of a lot like somone who is brand-freekin’-damn-new to splines, once again awkward and poorly executed.

Am I crazy here? I’d love to hear some feedback on this shiny new piece of shit. Check out all the logos here.

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