Or, maybe they won’t. You be the judge with the help of this super scary report from Tampa Bay’s 10 on the potential of lead-slathered Halloween decorations. Thank God they got some pointless Brit’s opinion on the matter, who had this brilliant nugget to share:

“My two little ones suck their thumbs,” says Given. “They’re playing with toys, and they’re putting their thumbs in their mouths.”

Holy fucking shit, in their mouths?! Dude, I hate to be the dude with the bad news, but your kids are going to die. Seriously, order up some tiny coffins, they are as good as gone. If the lead doesn’t get them, the razors or the ol’ cyanide in the candy certainly will.

And yes, it was necessary for the image at right to be that big. We need to alert the parents to the horrible truth about the whole world and how dangerous everything in it is.