My neighbor drives a little tiny car. It’s one fez away from being a Shriner car, really. It’s more of a suppository on wheels. Normally I would applaud this fine middle-aged gentleman for being secure enough in his manhood and status to have such a tiny car. Unfortunately, maybe because he couldn’t actually afford an ‘07 Mustang Compensator, he’s done the next best thing, which apparently involves outfitting his little tiny car with a sport exhaust that sounds like an unusually flatulent Godzilla. This in an of itself wouldn’t be such a problem were it not for the fact that the dude parks in the alley, right up against my window. Seriously, it’s like Monster Truck Super Sunday in the middle of my ear canal every day. Except that it’s not the day. It’s precisely 6:04am every fucking morning, which I have to assume is an appropriate departure time to allow neighbor dude to be at the mall to open the fucking Sunglass Hut kiosk. This is from me to you, neighbor dude, because parking tickets suck.

City ordinance 26.137 prohibits the parking or standing within an alley except for temporary loading or unloading of materials or passengers. If you have a vehicle with commercial lettering, you may park no longer than thirty (30) minutes (unless the sign states otherwise). In no way may you block the alley.

. . . next week’s installment: City ordinances dealing with the number of fire exits required in places of business housing more than 23 exotic animals.