What the hell, people? The temperature drops a few degrees and all of a sudden you can’t swing a dead manatee without hitting a story about some kind of messed up home body modification.

First there’s this story, in which a 13-year-old got a rad tattoo of a star with her initials in it on her upper thigh. All the cool kids are doing it. If by “cool kids” you mean a small group of girls who went to their friend’s house to jump on a trampoline. But wait; there’s more. It appears that the tattoo artist responsible for this awesome mark of sisterhood is a) unlicensed and b) inking underage kids out of his girlfriend’s house, who also happens to be the proud owner of a daughter and a trampoline.

Mom is not happy. “Her rights as a parent,” she notes with eloquent indignation, “were disrespected by somebody.” Somehow, some way, there’s been some disrespectin’ going on. And really, there is a tremendous amount of respect to be dissed there. Mom busted out her best Bucs shirt for the news photographer. Respect.

As if that weren’t enough illicit body modification news to keep us all satisfied for the next few months, there’s this story from Naples about a seriously fucked up and abusive situation in which a 13-year-old girl suffered genital mutilation at the hands of her own mother to save her from her own sexuality. Sadly, it’s not like this is a new concept. That kind of stuff has been happening in places like the Sudan for a long-ass time. If you’d like to not be able to eat for a few hours, you can go over here and get your political learn on.

Lastly, it could certainly be argued that the persistence of this kind of weird ass reactionary sexual hysteria is related to some long-standing puritanical fear of the vagina. Yes, I said vagina, which is something that apparently the awesomely grandma Naples Daily News can’t manage to do in their own long-winded and horrible coverage of the story, “Girl pierced in private area testifies in first day of mother’s trial”. I had to actually read the article before I realized it wasn’t about the new body mod zone in the frequent flyer’s lounge at Tampa International.  The Times wins for at least being able to get out the word “genitalia.”

This is for you, Naples Daily News:

Vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina . . . penis.