At least I think that’s the gist of this story. Hmm, maybe not. The short of it is that “handicap “people are mobilizing (haha) to push Disney World to let them ride their Segways all willy-nilly in the parks. And yes, I had the same reaction: “dude, don’t you stand on a Segway?!”

It looks like Disney and SeaWorld Orlando won’t allow visitors to use Segways, citing safety concerns. Which, seriously, I’m all about equal rights and all, but I’ve gotta side with Disney here. Those electrical scooter cart thingies people zip around in are dangerous enough, now imagine a device that claims it is impossible to fall off of (hi President Bush!!) piloted by folks that are claiming they can’t otherwise stand on their own. Does that not seem dangerous? Not to mention the thing does a blistering 12.5 MPH, which may not sound like much but happens to be exactly the speed it takes to knock a 3 year old’s head clean off.

Granted it is a little odd you can spend $85 to ride a Segway on a “guided tour” through Epcot, but can’t bring your own. Well, not odd, more along the lines of shitty. But hey, that’s Disney!

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This news is a tad stale, yes, but bringing it to your attention sooner would have been just too painful. I wasn’t ready to face it. I’m still not ready, come to think of it.

City Councilman Bill Foster says the city withdrew its funding from the Santa Parade and other co-sponsored events as part of budget cuts. He describes the Santa Parade as a want, not a need.

WTF??!!!1one! Santa, a want? Is this Bill Foster a fucking nihilist? I remember Mayor Rick Baker talking about everything that would be affected by the budget cuts our state leaders recklessly imposed on us, but I don’t remember a goddamn thing about telling Santa to fuck off.

Here’s how it works, elected officials: Santa brings the presents to all the little children. If we don’t invite Santa to be in the parade (something that has a 79-year precedent) then he won’t come, and we won’t get any presents. Unacceptable! I haven’t been good this entire year for nothing, you swine!

Hopefully the Lions Club cult can raise more money than they already do for this parade and save the day. Hell, somebody call the Scientologists! They have money, they’re right down the street now… but do they reject the existence of Santa Claus?

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Wow, first the mayor endorses the St. Pete shirts and now Non Sequiter swipes our “Don’t tase me, bro” shirt for his comic. And yes, we were the first to think of that.

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A car can say a lot about you. A Mustang usually means that at one time in your life you were probably hot shit with girls with crimped hair wearing hemmed, acid-washed jean shorts. It can also mean that you were one of those girls, except now you’re a middle-aged divorcee with a little extra money from the divorce and a crush on an Applebee’s bartender named Tyler. Either way, it also usually means you park like this:

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When I first heard that President Bush was coming to PPlowtown today, I assumed it was part of a disaster-relief program — like when he visited New Orleans a few months after it was destroyed.

But no. It turns out that Dubya is coming to collect cash for the GOP — a reverse-relief visit, if you will. A paltry $25,000 per person not only gets you lunch at Brent Sembler’s house (son of the penis pumping Mel Sembler), but a chance to watch The Leader of the Free World eat his food.

(Ah, Mel Sembler. There’s a lot to say about this guy, but now is not the time. Our editor demands that we have a competent lawyer under retainer before we go too deep on the former ambassador, GOP fundraiser, and shopping center magnate.)

Some of the details included in the Times article about the President’s visit are interesting. For instance, did you know that Michael’s On East is doing the catering? Or that Redman Steele Floral Design is in charge of all floral needs? This is no ordinary lunch. It’s fuckin’ catered!

Imagine hosting the President in your home, mansion, whatever. Really think about that. I mean, besides the possibility that a major crisis occurs while he’s in the same room with you, forcing Dick Cheney to remotely initialize W’s implanted cybernetic mind control system, it’d be pretty cool. But other than that, what’s the highest honor the Commander-in-Chief could perform as a house guest?

I’ll tell you: The President making a poop in your bathroom.

Think of the plaque that you could put on the wall above the toilet the next day. “The President of the United States of America took a mean shit right here on October 12, 2007. Yeehaw!”

I’m not sure on the protocol for this, though. From a security standpoint, is that even allowed? Would Secret Service have to accompany him? As long as he doesn’t stop up the thing, I think it’s probably fine. Just need to arrange for nothing but Mexican food on the menu and it’s practically a done deal.

topherchris would like to apologize for another long absence from The Splog. Ever since Halo 3 came out he’s been busy finding new and inventive ways to die. He’d like to propose the creation of a loose-knit clan of St.Petersblog readers in Xbox Live. If you’re interested, comment or email your gamertag. His gamertag is “yay topherchris” and he is indeed sensitive about his low gamerscore, even though he just made a new account after facing technical difficulties. No teabagging, please.

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You may recall brightlight’s evolution of the party pose. It looks like the evolution continues just where you’d expect, at a geh club in Tampa. Check out the Tampions mugging for the camera at a recent Fairy Corsten show. Bonus points for the complexity of Mr. Many Wristbands on the right. Also, I would kill 3 bums if I could look like the badass on the far left, you’re my hero, bro.

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So, many of us insiders knew about this months ago, but the official word is out and Wikimedia is saying fuck you to St. Petersburg. They could have been cool about it, but no, they had to insinuate it was a lack of talent around here that forced the move. I also thought the photo of founder Jimmy Wales that they sent along with the press release was a bit over the top.

“San Francisco is the center of high-tech in the United States, and will give the Foundation access to a rich array of resources, including best-in-breed online talent, top-tier universities, world-class support services and major media,” said Florence Devouard, Wikimedia Foundation Board of Trustees chair. “We are all very excited about the move, and I know the Wikimedia Foundation will flourish in the Bay Area.”

Ouch. Hey, we have a bay, that doesn’t count? Come back in 2015 when Tampa is the shizzle. In all honesty it has always been a little odd that Wikimedia was based here and it was only a matter of time before they figured that out for themselves. I wonder if the city even tried to keep them around, though. Hell, I wonder if the city even understood what it could have meant for us if we would have built that relationship up. Oh well, good luck in the other bay area, nerds.

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We here at the Splog love our readers, and if the server-crushing mass of email we get is any indication of their unbridled affection, our readers love us too. What’s really great is that our readers seem to really get us. We don’t get a bunch of generic and shallow emails praising us in albeit nice, but ultimately hollow ways. No, we get really pointed and useful information that just tells us that like, you get us, man. The research you guys have done in the area of herbal penis enlargement is, to say the least, extensive, and Casey really appreciates it – almost as much as topherchris appreciates all those hot stock tips. I for one have helped countless Nigerians liberate literally millions of dollars from the clutches of more military regimes than I can even count at this point. That reminds me; I need to talk to my local mail carrier about some checks I have yet to receive.

So yeah, thanks. On the topic of the emails we get, today I was directed by a reader who, judging by his or her email address - poooty@pootypootpoot.com - must have a Google alert set on the word flatulence, to this post in the tbo crime blog. Yes, indeed, it appears that a man named Brian Wilcox was treated for excessive flatulence, groin numbness and tooth decay while in custody for . . . wait, that’s not actually important yet. Let’s allow ourselves a little indulgence. Hehehe. Someone said fart. Hehehe. And groin. It’s like the total opposite of Ow, my balls. Hehe. Ow, I can’t feel my balls.

Yeah, I hear that can happen when you have to sit on a concrete prison bench for hours at a time because you took pornographic pictures of your own daughter and uploaded them to Photobucket. Oooooooh, shit. That pretty much kills the fart funny, huh? Also, fucking Photobucket? Lulz. Myspacers everywhere sensed a disturbance in the emo. Anyway, yeah. Not funny. The Times does a good thing by having the less wocka-wocka version of the story over here. Holy shit; I can’t find a single fart joke in there. What’s with all these facts? Oh, right. Times 1, TBO 0.

Lastly, I can’t be the only one who noticed, much to my own personal horror, that that dude looks exactly like a Victor Victoria-era Julie Andrews. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take 37 showers, meditate on unicorns, and stare at this dolphin chaser for a few hours. *shiver*

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Did you guys know that before USF was known for that football team or whatever they are currently known for they also did other things? Crazy, I know, but they have this cool Institute for Research in Art, which includes Graphicstudio. Graphicstudio opened in 1968 and is “a university-based atelier (fancy word for workshop, kids) engaged in a unique experiment in art and education, committed to research and the application of traditional and new techniques for the production of limited edition prints and sculpture multiples.”

Aannyywwaayy, this Friday, October 12th, Graphicstudio is having their 9th annual benefit sale. Tell us more, internets:

For one day only, October 12, 2007, Graphicstudio will offer fine art original prints at discounts ranging from 10-60% off the list price. All sales benefit Graphicstudio’s continuing research and educational programming. More than 100 original, artist-signed, fine art prints and sculpture multiples will be available. Some prints are rare, with just one impression remaining in inventory.

The shit goes off from noon until 10 pm, so while it will require driving to Tampa you at least have a large window in which to do it. And if you’re too cheap for that, just pick some stuff up off The Poster List.

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St. Pete is seriously lacking in the decent graffiti. I can’t think of ever having seen any proper graffiti, which can be quite an art form when done correctly (and no, Shepherd Fairy called and even he said those lame stencils don’t count). Take for instance this complete piece of shit. What did you do, steal a marker from a kindergarten? And Misfit Mafia? Like the Counter Strike kids? Or did you pick that up from the movie Bully? Oh, and as anyone knows, putting a date on your artwork is just good practice. Fail, try again.

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If you are the owner of this tattoo, please stop whatever you happen to be doing at the moment, and affix your will, with laser-beam focus, to the task of punching yourself in the balls . . . repeatedly. Please continue this process until further notice.

Courtesy of White Buffalo Custom Tattoos in Crystal River. You know, it’s just west of Beverly Hills. Is that supposed to be some sort of tribal nonsense happening in there? Like, damn. Leo Zulueta is crying solid black salty tears right now.

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When’s the last time you grabbed a person of the same sex and square danced the night away? What’s that, never?! Shit, you haven’t lived!

brightlight, topherchris and the Rabi will be reppin’ at the Suncoast Squares tonight at the Metro Center. Actually, they won’t, but still, isn’t it rad that the ‘burg has L.B.G.T. square dancing every Tuesday? For some reason that strikes me as a pretty damn cool thing.

Rabi, you know I’m just playin’, bro. Much love.

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Or maybe it was Mr. Potato Head, or an android of some variety. Let’s just hope that it wasn’t a Hyperdine Systems 120-A2. The A2’s always were a bit twitchy. Look, seriously, I’m perfectly happy that the police are now using three-dimensional digital compositing to come up with renderings of bad people, it’s just that it’s probably going to take a little while for our collective brains to recalibrate themselves to treat this kind of depiction as something other than an image of retired animatronics. When I first saw this, I thought maybe it came from that failed Harlem Globetrotters theme park they tried to build out in Seminole. I still can’t believe that place never saw the light of day.

So anyway, a person who looks very much like the real doll depicted in that picture tried to abduct a girl on the way to school. If you see him, call the police and shit, and then go watch Blade Runner so you know how to deal with these kinds of android-based situations in the future.

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I came across this story from the Trib (and yes, I’m about a week late on it) about the Tampa Bay Technology Forum setting a goal of putting the Bay area among the top 10 technology markets in the United States by 2015. Hahahahahahaha… hahaha… haha… ahem… hang on a second… HAHAHAHA. Whew, I’m crying here.

I wonder what kind of cities the TBTF are aspiring to be like?

The forum wants to put the Bay area on par with cities such as Seattle, San Francisco, Boston and others that sprout a steady stream of meteoric tech startups. TBTF leaders want this community to foster technology companies here the way that Hollywood produces movies - systematically, profitably and publicly.

Ah, yes, I’ve heard this one before: Small city with a decent media market thinks they can play in the big leagues, media picks up on it (without providing any critical analysis of the claim), city fails miserably and then shuts the fuck up. Seriously guys, you’re just going to come out looking like assholes on this one, don’t make big stupid claims like that, just focus on making this a better place to start a company.

I’m sure a representative from TBTF would quickly point out “but we’ve got a plan! We’ve got a plan with 5 points! A 5-pronged battle plan, if you will! We’ll be San Frantampa in not time.” You can read them in the story above, but I’ll summarize: blah, blah, blah, blah, fail. Oh, and if you want more information, don’t check their site because they haven’t updated that shit since June. Off to a good start, kids!

I’m all for lofty goals, and making it easier and more appealing to start technology companies here sounds great. But guess what? Having a goal of becoming the next San Francisco is like saying your weekly guitar lessons have you on track to be Stevie Ray Vaughan by 2015. Which, is actually quite accurate because SRV is dead, precisely what most technology startups are shortly after they launch. Come on guys, focus more on improving the area and less on talking some big game that promises only to make you, and the Bay area look like a swimming pool full of dipshits.

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