A reliable source tells me that USF has a football team and that they’re ranked 6 in the nation. Wait, which nation? America?! Weird, right? (That explains the green and gold freaks.)

Actually, I’m just playing dumb for you hipsters out there. Screw it: Watching the then-number 5 West Virginia Mountaineers get kicked directly in the cooter by the Bulls was the best thing on television last Friday night. It had everything - a sold-out stadium, a national TV audience, and substandard SAT scores.

At least that’s what the head coach of the University of Alabama said yesterday about the Bulls. Which, when you think about it, is a great way for a coach to take a shot at a rising team. As in, “yeah, you’re good, unbeaten, ranked high, but… Our defensive line can prove Liouville’s Theorem much faster than yours can.” Macho man.

I hesitate to reproduce the entire actual quote, but Alabama coach Nick Saban is just the kind of guy who deserves to be heard: “There’s a significant amount of players who don’t qualify at some schools and they end up being pretty good players at some other schools. I think there are six guys starting on South Florida’s defense who probably could have gone to Florida or Florida State but Florida and Florida State couldn’t take them… I feel like if we do a good job of recruiting here, we ought to be able to get good football players who are qualified who are the kind of people, character and attitude-wise, that we want to represent an institution like this. And we know that there are going to be some occasions that we have to play against some teams that don’t have to do that.”

Saban’s weak comment probably would have slipped completely under the radar if Jim Leavitt (that’s the USF head coach, emo kid) and the USF players themselves didn’t blow an O-ring over them. Considering they just got called stupid by a guy in Alabama, I can respect that.

USF Senior Nick Capogna, for one, is ready to lay it all on the line. “I got a good SAT score, had a good GPA in high school. If he wants to look at transcripts, I’ll give him mine gladly,” he menacingly growled. That’s right, I got my fuckin’ transcripts on the side of my helmet, bitch!

This got me thinking. Why don’t we just do away with all the pushing and shoving and tackling and settle all this the civilized way: Sudoku.

topherchris considers the USF Bulls to be the exclusive collegiate football home-team of downtown St. Petersburg due to their extensive campus there, despite all other evidence to the contrary.