Everyone loves Bay News 9’s Florida on a Tankful. Seriously, one of the recent segments featured a corn maze near Bradenton. Referring to it as a “Maze of Maize,” however, makes you look like jerks. You think nobody checks their Simpsons references?

That’s neither here nor there. We here at the Splog want to provide you with news you can use, so without further introduction, I am proud to present Hillbilly on a Tankful.

1. Amscot. Start the day off right by cashing that disability check that your slip and fall case against the Dollar Store got you. Seriously, claiming that the presence of spanish on that piso mojado sign was a violation of your civil rights was a stroke of genius, by the way.

2. South Central Liquors. It’s 8:30am, do you know where your buzz is? It’s at South Central Liquors, that’s where. I am shocked, shocked I say that there is a liquor store mere spitting distance from a check cashing place. Pure coincidence, surely. Don’t forget to buy smokes.

3. Scooter Outlet. You’re officially “disabled” now; you need to look the part. And by “scooter,” I mean Jazzy, Rascal, and Power Chair.

4. Revolution Cycle. You’re going to need an orange flag on that thing for god’s sake. Heightened visibility is key.

5. ASAP Home Oxygen. Hmm, those GPCs are packing quite a kick today; the tobacco to pencil shavings ratio might be a little off with this carton, bummer. You better head to the medical supply to pick up some fresh oxygen. ASAP Home Oxygen it is. Holy shit, that is way the fuck out there. It’s a good thing you wore a shirt today. The last thing you need is any more sun damage on your Taz tattoo.

6. Aloha 4 Less Liquors. What’s this? Out of beer. These twelve packs make shitty scooter ottomans when they’re empty. That’s ok. It’s on the way home. Where’s that? Goddamn Haines Road, where the hell else would you live?

7. Palace Mobile Home Park. Yes, Haines Road, that confusingly diagonal avenue of devolution and unincorporation, where the concentration of trailer parks is matched only by the concentration of pedophiles living within them, which itself is, in one of those uniqulely Florida ways, inversely proportionate to their distance from middle schools. I know, I know. You just moved there because it had “Palace” in the name. You always were a sucker for things palatial.

You’re gonna want to view the Full Itinerary.