Archive for October, 2007
My neighbor drives a little tiny car. It’s one fez away from being a Shriner car, really. It’s more of a suppository on wheels. Normally I would applaud this fine middle-aged gentleman for being secure enough in his manhood and status to have such a tiny car. Unfortunately, maybe because he couldn’t actually afford an ‘07 Mustang Compensator, he’s done the next best thing, which apparently involves outfitting his little tiny car with a sport exhaust that sounds like an unusually flatulent Godzilla. This in an of itself wouldn’t be such a problem were it not for the fact that the dude parks in the alley, right up against my window. Seriously, it’s like Monster Truck Super Sunday in the middle of my ear canal every day. Except that it’s not the day. It’s precisely 6:04am every fucking morning, which I have to assume is an appropriate departure time to allow neighbor dude to be at the mall to open the fucking Sunglass Hut kiosk. This is from me to you, neighbor dude, because parking tickets suck.
City ordinance 26.137 prohibits the parking or standing within an alley except for temporary loading or unloading of materials or passengers. If you have a vehicle with commercial lettering, you may park no longer than thirty (30) minutes (unless the sign states otherwise). In no way may you block the alley.
. . . next week’s installment: City ordinances dealing with the number of fire exits required in places of business housing more than 23 exotic animals.
It’s a special day here at the Splog, one that, honestly, I thought would have come a lot sooner, what with our particular region’s somewhat delayed comprehension of internet culture. Nevertheless, it’s finally here, and we’re all going to celebrate by scoring some Zima and bringing it to our regularly scheduled Wednesday vampire LARP meetup. Oh yes, there will be much merriment, and it will be fueled by everyone’s favorite citrus-flavored malt beverage.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve received our first threat of physical violence. It’s a good one, too. I guess some of the folks over at justlookitup.com weren’t all that happy about my ringing endorsement of their service. Apparently, someone recently taught them how to Google themselves and since then they’ve dropped some choice comments on the post. Of course, my favorite is the one in which some dude, who describes himself as being “heavily involved in the MMAWFC (Mixed Marital Arts World Fighting Championship) organization,” is offering to kick my ass in the ring . . . or cage, uh, or polygon . . . rhombus? Well, wherever the hell it is those dudes go all alpha male on each other. Actually, I can’t figure it out. He wants me to find a girlfriend, then Jesus and then kick my ass? All at the same time?
Seriously, though, while I am flattered by such an offer, especially from a professional ass kicker, yeah, um no. His buddy Carl is getting in on the act now, too. “Scared?” he says. Of course we are silly, it’s Halloween!
Wait, hang on . . . I am slowly processing all this. I think someone is literally asking us to “settle this in the ring.” How fucking awesome is that? You rock, MMORPG MMDA Mighty Mighty Bosstones dudes. You rock hard. Also, free publicity time is over, kids. Go make some more shitty commercials.
Is it possible to be too dumb to be racist? Halloween wants to know.
31 Oct
Posted by brightlight in the In the News department.
Well, we were up all night reading tea leaves and sifting through bird entrails to figure this one out. In then end it was a marathon rock, paper scissors tournament that decided it. It is in fact possible to be too stupid to be racist. This contentious meeting of the Splog minds was, of course, brought about by this swell story from Crystal River about some tavern owners who put up a festive noose and corpse in front of their bar as part of their Halloween display. The story’s also over here, for you people who just can’t get enough Bright House in your lives; nothing brings out the inter-media coverage like sensationalist lawn decorations and an opening to get in a little alliteration with the words “noose” and “news.” Go Times!
Anyway, first things first. I mean, come on. Look at that dude’s tattoo. There’s no way he can be racist; he’s clearly Native American. I love that tattoo. What is it about being country and claiming to be like, 1/300th Cherokee? Does that get you laid or something? Maybe it’s the country version of being “exotic.” I get it. I like to tell people I’m 1/300th Cyborg.
Right. So, here’s the thing. This issue is all about contextual insensitivity. To me, in order to be racist, these people would have to have at least enough brain cycles to have some shred of recognition that what they were doing could in fact be construed as racist. I just don’t think that’s true in this case. I don’t get the feeling that these are the kind of people who were glued to the TV during coverage of the Jena Six, nor are they aware of a place called Columbia, which also happens to be a University where another noose made a recent appearance.
Were they being racist when they hung the thing? I don’t think so. Is it a racist symbol. Why, yes it is. You can argue that public hanging was a sanctioned form of execution for years until you’re blue in the face (oh, the puns just keep coming) – completely unrelated to race, but that doesn’t change the fact that in the middle of fucking Florida, the dominant inflection of that symbol is that of racist lynchings.
Where does the racism come in, then? The racism comes in when, whether you intended it or not, you’ve now got a community of people telling you that you’re a dumb redneck assclown who needs to take down something that a number of people find offensive, and yet you refuse to take it down.
This is where it gets complicated. It would be one thing if these people happened to be undercover suphereo members of team ACLU called to defend the sometimes unpleasant intricacies of free speech with high levels of analysis, erudition and psionic energy.
This is not the case. We are dealing with a classic case of double-edged cerebral deficiency. You are too stupid on the one hand to have recognized the impact of the decoration, and too stupid on the other to reasonably argue a case for why what you did isn’t racist. Yes, you can, in fact, be too stupid to not be racist. Where does that leave us? It leaves us in that awesome space where dumbasses decide to dig in their heels over nothing more than their right to do stupid shit. No, seriously; it’s that simple. Ow, my balls.
Whatever. I’m sure Uhuru has already dispatched a team to bust that shit up.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Pinellas’ very own Liquorbox. Get it? Soooo fucking clever. Also, nice work on your “promo video.”
What the hell, people? The temperature drops a few degrees and all of a sudden you can’t swing a dead manatee without hitting a story about some kind of messed up home body modification.
First there’s this story, in which a 13-year-old got a rad tattoo of a star with her initials in it on her upper thigh. All the cool kids are doing it. If by “cool kids” you mean a small group of girls who went to their friend’s house to jump on a trampoline. But wait; there’s more. It appears that the tattoo artist responsible for this awesome mark of sisterhood is a) unlicensed and b) inking underage kids out of his girlfriend’s house, who also happens to be the proud owner of a daughter and a trampoline.
Mom is not happy. “Her rights as a parent,” she notes with eloquent indignation, “were disrespected by somebody.” Somehow, some way, there’s been some disrespectin’ going on. And really, there is a tremendous amount of respect to be dissed there. Mom busted out her best Bucs shirt for the news photographer. Respect.
As if that weren’t enough illicit body modification news to keep us all satisfied for the next few months, there’s this story from Naples about a seriously fucked up and abusive situation in which a 13-year-old girl suffered genital mutilation at the hands of her own mother to save her from her own sexuality. Sadly, it’s not like this is a new concept. That kind of stuff has been happening in places like the Sudan for a long-ass time. If you’d like to not be able to eat for a few hours, you can go over here and get your political learn on.
Lastly, it could certainly be argued that the persistence of this kind of weird ass reactionary sexual hysteria is related to some long-standing puritanical fear of the vagina. Yes, I said vagina, which is something that apparently the awesomely grandma Naples Daily News can’t manage to do in their own long-winded and horrible coverage of the story, “Girl pierced in private area testifies in first day of mother’s trial”. I had to actually read the article before I realized it wasn’t about the new body mod zone in the frequent flyer’s lounge at Tampa International. The Times wins for at least being able to get out the word “genitalia.”
This is for you, Naples Daily News:
Vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina . . . penis.
According to Tampa Bay’s 10, students may be required to learn evolution. WTF?! A freakin’ theory? Dude, the bible is fact, evolution is theory. And now our kids will be forced to hear that crap? This is unbelievable.
St. Petersburg, Florida — The Florida Department of Education has drafted new science standards that for the first time require students to learn about evolution. While the concepts are currently taught, it’s addressed as “biological changes over time.”
I just assumed since we’re talking about that magical panic machine, the television news network, they were blowing up a tiny little change to make people freak out and grab their gideons. Au contraire, we’re talking about some pretty aggressive and early changes. I’m sure you don’t want to go through the actual science standard reviews, so I did for you and here’s what I learned:
2nd Grade: Recognize some organisms that lived long ago are similar to existing organisms today, but some have completely disappeared.
7th Grade: Recognize and describe that fossil evidence is consistent with the idea that human beings evolved from earlier species.
9-12th Grade: Evolution is the fundamental concept underlying all of biology and is supported by multiple forms of scientific evidence.
There are of course more details in between, but I was pretty shocked with how the last one is worded. Nice use of the word fundamental. Fundamentalism anyone? Also, this is Florida, right? I was pretty impressed to even see this stuff come up as part of the review. Granted it will of course get shot the fuck down, but this seems like a step in the right direction. Now if only we could do something about every goddamn other thing in Florida.
We missed this, and I’m bummed about it, but I’m left asking myself why the hell the Mayor’s prayer breakfast is sponsored by Anderson-McQueen Funeral & Cremation Centers.
Incidentally, if you were curious about the value of a ceremony with Anderson-McQueen, they’d be happy to tell you. They’d also be happy to burn fluffy for you.
Everyone loves Bay News 9’s Florida on a Tankful. Seriously, one of the recent segments featured a corn maze near Bradenton. Referring to it as a “Maze of Maize,” however, makes you look like jerks. You think nobody checks their Simpsons references?
That’s neither here nor there. We here at the Splog want to provide you with news you can use, so without further introduction, I am proud to present Hillbilly on a Tankful.
1. Amscot. Start the day off right by cashing that disability check that your slip and fall case against the Dollar Store got you. Seriously, claiming that the presence of spanish on that piso mojado sign was a violation of your civil rights was a stroke of genius, by the way.
2. South Central Liquors. It’s 8:30am, do you know where your buzz is? It’s at South Central Liquors, that’s where. I am shocked, shocked I say that there is a liquor store mere spitting distance from a check cashing place. Pure coincidence, surely. Don’t forget to buy smokes.
3. Scooter Outlet. You’re officially “disabled” now; you need to look the part. And by “scooter,” I mean Jazzy, Rascal, and Power Chair.
4. Revolution Cycle. You’re going to need an orange flag on that thing for god’s sake. Heightened visibility is key.
5. ASAP Home Oxygen. Hmm, those GPCs are packing quite a kick today; the tobacco to pencil shavings ratio might be a little off with this carton, bummer. You better head to the medical supply to pick up some fresh oxygen. ASAP Home Oxygen it is. Holy shit, that is way the fuck out there. It’s a good thing you wore a shirt today. The last thing you need is any more sun damage on your Taz tattoo.
6. Aloha 4 Less Liquors. What’s this? Out of beer. These twelve packs make shitty scooter ottomans when they’re empty. That’s ok. It’s on the way home. Where’s that? Goddamn Haines Road, where the hell else would you live?
7. Palace Mobile Home Park. Yes, Haines Road, that confusingly diagonal avenue of devolution and unincorporation, where the concentration of trailer parks is matched only by the concentration of pedophiles living within them, which itself is, in one of those uniqulely Florida ways, inversely proportionate to their distance from middle schools. I know, I know. You just moved there because it had “Palace” in the name. You always were a sucker for things palatial.
You’re gonna want to view the Full Itinerary.
Well, technically Tampa did, but come on brody, this is killer news! Apparently Maxim is giving us a brophy of some sort for making their list of America’s Top 10 Party Cities. No, I’m not kidding. Looks like the ol’ TPA clocks in at #6, broham, thanks in part to the 49 strip clubs you might quite possibly have stumbled into “accidentally” at one point or another.
Sigh.
Let me note just a few things wrong with this news.
1) Let’s start with a big “what the fuck were you thinking” to Maxim. Um, you’re going to “reward” a city that essentially has no downtown residents and/or downtown bars? Those 49 strip clubs are spread all over hell and gone, not consolidated into nice pockets of debauchery like Vegas or Miami. #6? Really?
2) The last thing Tampa needs is another reason to get cocky about itself. Hey, look at us, we have football teams. Hey look at us, we have a music scene. Hey, look at us, we have the shitheap that is Ybor. Not cool.
3) I can only imagine the assholes sitting somewhere devising a virtual website for Florida’s Party Corridor. Give us a call, broski, we’re all over that shit.
Dude, please tell me you’re fucking kidding. Yes, I said fuck only 6 words in, but stay with me and you’ll see why. What the fuck is this?!
Florida Region Goes Virtual With High Tech Business Recruitment
HEATHROW, Fla.,Oct. 11 PRNewswire - Creativity, ingenuity and resourcefulness have lead the Florida High Tech Corridor to become one of the nation’s top emerging high tech hubs. Those same attributes were put to work to provide a unique way for business relocation and expansion targets to “visit” the Corridor without ever leaving their desks.
Seriously? I mean, come on, seriously?!
Through informative videos and graphics, www.VisitTheCorridor.com allows visitors to explore the Corridor’s key technology sectors and institutes of higher education, discover the region’s quality of life, examine the business climate, and explore the diverse counties that make up the region. The Visit is hosted by a “virtual” tour guide, Orlando’s WESH-TV Channel 2 Anchorwoman Wendy Chioji.
Informative videos and graphics? Oh. My. God. You guys are serious, aren’t you? Dude, I have my own PRNewswire for you: your website fucking sucks. You’re doing it wrong. You are embarrassing us all.
When the hell did they invent time travel, use it to go back to 1997, locate a shitty amateur web designer, bring him to the future and get him to build this piece of shit? I can just hear them now: “Use of Flash just because it seems high tech in 1997? Check. Crappy, half-assed forced perspective ‘lobby’? Check. Photoshop bevel and emboss on everything to make it look ‘3D’? Check. Obnoxious intro video for everything you click on? Check. No real content aside from obnoxious intro video? Check.”
I’m not kidding, this is embarrassing. You think this is going to impress real tech companies and encourage them to move their business to FL? Come on, people. Is it that hard to hire a professional to design your stupid ass website? The last thing busy executives want to do is wade through your bullshit bad design and annoying “virtual” video to learn basic information about why they might want to set up shop here.
And who do we have to thank for this? The assholes over at Flash happy Curley & Pynn, that’s who. Well I’ll be damned, their portfolio site is an equally craptastic abomination of web design that makes it extremely hard to actually see their work. Although, shit, that’s probably a good thing, don’t want people to see how shitty your work is before they write that check. Idiots.
We are officially screwed. Anyone familiar with the basic plot mechanics of your average sci-fi thriller knew that, unless Alien was supposed to be a really short and uneventful movie, nothing good was going to come out of the fact that the world’s first facehugger detached itself from Kane’s face like it kind of just lost interest in what it was doing. Something wasn’t right, and that fact was demonstrated very quickly by one impatient little alien making a mess all over the space tupperware.
Personally, I thought the world had been adequately saved from any hint of an acid-blooded biomechanical apocalypse. Apparently not. Check it:
Holy shit, dudez. Truckhugger. We are doomed. Prepare yourself for SUVs everywhere to be popping out aliens in no time. Ripley is not helping this time around as she’s too busy whoring out my cinematic education to DirecTV. Wierzbowski may be our only hope. In any event, I’d recommend a full assault on SUVs commencing right the fuck now.
Or, maybe they won’t. You be the judge with the help of this super scary report from Tampa Bay’s 10 on the potential of lead-slathered Halloween decorations. Thank God they got some pointless Brit’s opinion on the matter, who had this brilliant nugget to share:
“My two little ones suck their thumbs,” says Given. “They’re playing with toys, and they’re putting their thumbs in their mouths.”
Holy fucking shit, in their mouths?! Dude, I hate to be the dude with the bad news, but your kids are going to die. Seriously, order up some tiny coffins, they are as good as gone. If the lead doesn’t get them, the razors or the ol’ cyanide in the candy certainly will.
And yes, it was necessary for the image at right to be that big. We need to alert the parents to the horrible truth about the whole world and how dangerous everything in it is.
Let me just say that you, Fritz, have painfully misnamed your stupid site. Hotspaces.net? Dude, I was all fired up to get in on some dirty pr0n0graphic action but instead I find your stupid ass website. And guess what? I still don’t know what the fuck you do. Well, aside from looking kinda silly and making dumb graphics about Pure and Shameless somethingoranothers. Suck.
Also, Tabasco called and wants you to stop whoring their logo.
Perhaps some of you awoke this morning like I did and cracked open your own personal copy of Tampabay.com to learn that, holy Christmas balls, “Taxes aid porn site software.” Dear god, say it isn’t so. Then again, maybe you were like me and just thought that the Times was trying to get some hits on the story by overemphasizing one potential use of an otherwise neutral piece of privacy software. After all, the software in question, PrivacyView, is really just a web-browsing anonymizer - something like a proxy on steroids, it makes it difficult to track your browsing behavior, and has the potential to go a step further and destroy the cached results of that behavior.
Apparently, people just don’t find protecting personal freedoms and privacy all that interesting these days. This fact is even borne out by Privacyview LLC’s own PR strategy, which involves just making the leap from private to pr0n all by itself:
The days of Internet porn consumers being ‘busted’ by their spouses or worse yet, their children, will eventually be a thing of the past.
Seriously? You dumb motherfuckers. I think somewhere on the list of ways to sink your business model and to kill any hint of public funding would be to preempt the demonizing of your product by others by doing it yourself. The Times isn’t even entirely guilty of porning up matters, because this stuff is coming straight from the company itself. Aw, swell. It’s great to live in a time where the basic right to privacy presumes illicit behavior on the part of the person needing privacy.
Thus commences the slippery slope, and who better to slap our asses for good luck on the way down than freaking Ronda Storms? So, here’s how this works. 1) If you need privacy, you must be doing something “wrong”, 2) there’s a high probability that whatever you’re doing “wrong” involves nekkid parts, 3) looking at teh nekkid at all means you are, according to Storms, the “worst of the worst” (read, pedophile, predator, superfreak, etc.). But what if I only look at nude pics of Ann Coulter? *shiver*
If you close the door when you pee, the terrorists win . . . plus you’re probably looking at porn, and not the good kind either. Great. Let’s all just turn ourselves in en masse. Authoritarian flash mob. CU @ teh Jailz11!
Anyway, yeah, three cheers for us being one step to some sort of lame-ass dystopia where we’re all begging to have cameras installed in our houses so we have a record of our persistent non-criminal behavior. “Hi camera, here I am, not doing illegal shit. Nope, no need for privacy here, no sir. What’s that? Spread ‘em and cough? Yes sir, right away sir. No sir, that is not my condom full of heroin.” Soon we’ll end up like this guy, who publishes virtually every moment of his life as a way to combat his listing on the U.S. terrorist watch list.
We should have mentioned this before now because you missed yesterday and most of today, but they’ll still be filming Acafool’s new video for “She’s Bad” tomorrow at OZ Gentlemen’s Club in Clearwater. We here at the Splog have had “She’s Bad” looping in our world headquarters for a minute now and it just keeps getting better - pure gold. Check out some photos from the shoot yesterday and a bonus creepy shot of Captain Grababooty:
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