I really don’t want to like Charlie Crist, but dammit, he has done a handful of things lately that are making it harder and harder to dislike him. I mean, the first governor to attend the state’s NAACP convention AND a major environmental announcement? Deeyam, he may just make the nation forget what a joke we’ve been for the last 7 years or so.

So let’s start with Chuck dropping a keynote address at the Florida Conference of the NAACP annual convention. Oh, and he’s the first governer to even attend in the 64 years they’ve been meeting. He even included gems like “I’m proud to be a lifetime member of the NAACP.” Damn dude, straight for the jugular. Let’s hope it wasn’t all rhetoric, Florida is supposed to be south of the south, but I reckon we still have a tad bit of a race issue ’round here.

The Honorable Charlie follows that up with an appearance at the recent Clinton Global Initiative meeting in New York. He gave remarks on a panel called “Redefining Business as Usual” on climate change along with a little known actor named Brad Pitt. You can see a tad bit of that here. That was all well and good, but then he made a tiny announcement with Bill Clinton that Florida Power & Light will build a solar power plant in Florida as part of a $2.4 billion clean energy program. Noice. We’ll see how long it takes for that plant to actually begin producing a reasonable amount of energy, but hey, it’s a step in the right direction.

It pains me to no end to actually post something nice, and to post something nice about Chaz at that. So, let’s close with a little bit of “yeah, but.” If we saunter back just a lil’ bit to March of this year you may recall that was the first time C-dogg ever mentioned environmental issues as something of importance to him during his State of the State speech. He made a few more mentions here and there and then, BAM, July 13 he signs executive orders calling for cuts in greenhouse gases, more use of renewable energy and a revamp of the state’s building code. If you want to know a little more on the history of his transformation, check this Times article out. So he very well may have picked it up because it gets press, and that sucks.

Even if that’s the case, it is shedding some really good light on Florida and I’ll take it. But I’m not quite ready to get behind the St. Pete native, he has a big ol’ rock that dropped like property taxes to climb over before I can respect him.

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Busch Gardens’ Howl-O-Scream started last night with their Freaky Preview weekend. It may seem a little early for normal folk to get into the spirit, but the half price $30 tickets may convince you otherwise. Other than the savings, this is also a great time to see everything while it is still working. Traditionally the event opens with animatronics and other effects that end up breaking a week or two in, so if you go early you’ll be able to get the full effect.

I mentioned a little earlier that the DJ “mascot” sucks balls but beyond that I continue to be amazed at the quality of Howl-O-Scream, you’d think that a place like Universal would have a much better event but for the last 6 years Busch has consistently produced better mazes. I think Universal knows it, too, because this year they’re stepping it up with Freddy, Jason and Leatherface and 8 mazes to Busch’s 6. Oh, and they’ve got the Bill and Ted show which normally kicks much ass.

You’ve got 16 nights between now and October 28 to go, so don’t be a cheap ass sissy, get your tickets. Oh, and don’t forget to take advantage of the awesome aluminum beer bottles, or a few yards of beer sold in the park - it’ll give you that false sense of manliness you’ll need so you don’t cry like a little bitch in front of your old lady.

Bonus behind-the-scenes shot of the DGeh below. Oops, someone forgot to photoshop out his ears!

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Being Floridians, we understand that things like voting, elections, and democracy aren’t easy. Heck, I don’t need to tell you that these concepts are much more complex than most people will ever know — we’re still trying to figure it all out and we’re still failing. Maybe citizens of Ohio understand this too, but most of the country (nay, The World) just seems to think it’s sooo easy. Like you could just pick your favorite person, count ‘em up, and declare a winner. As if.

It seems like only yesterday that electronic voting was the wave of the future — a future with no paper trails and hackable machines. But hey, details. You can play Ms. Pac Man on a Diebold machine if you get bored in the middle of the judicial section of a ballot. A plain sheet of paper can’t do that, France!

Anyways, the complaints were so strong that Tallahassee was forced to act. No more pinball voting machines for you.

Earlier this week, four companies demoed their stuff, each vying for the opportunity to make Florida the laughingstock of the world all over again. The good news: Paper ballots. We’re talking real paper here, people. No word on the special pens being filled with disappearing ink or not, but either way it’s an improvement.

After it’s all said and done, this is a band-aid on a ripped artery.

Yes, paper trails are good. Bravo, we’ve figured out paper, something invented around 3000 BC. You’ll mark the ballot manually, it gets slid into a magic machine that makes sure there are no stray marks anywhere, and does the rest. Which brings us to the problem. It’s still a closed-system proprietary electronic device that’s doing the actual counting.

Think about the distinction between “touch screen voting” and what we have here. The problems with what we called “touch screen voting” had nothing at all to do with the touch screen. A touch screen is, in fact, a superior user-interface to making marks on paper. It’s easy to pick the choice you want, it takes you through every race, and it even warns you if you accidently skipped any.

The biggest issue with the touch screen systems were their paperless nature — so the obvious question is: Why not make a touch screen that also has a paper trail? You’d use your fingers, a filled-in ballot prints out, you double-check it if you like, drop it in the box, and get your sticker.

I have to say, I’m perplexed at the touch screen being vilified. As an input device, it’s perfect. The fact that every single one of them prevented any chance of a real recount is mysterious, but nobody has ever complained about a touch screen and actually had a beef with the touch screen itself. Just fix the fact that every single damn one of them used black magik to count votes, and we’d have the best of both worlds.

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this, Dear Readers. Am I too down on our attempts to get this voting stuff figured out, or are we, The Democracy People, still screwing up?

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So, when the news broke I didn’t feel right joking about it, but thank goodness I can now get it off my chest: thank fucking god John Bryan did one thing right in his life and killed himself.

The Times alone has 3 stories on his dead ass today:

A girl’s beautiful new life came with a terrible price

Bryan inquiry trod fine line

With secrets out, end came quickly

Yep, that’s right kids, if you doubted it for one second, the truth has set us free: John Bryan was a fucking pedophile. In fact, he was the worst kind of pedophile, the kind that molests their own children.

The creepy part about his suicide note at right is how accurate it actually is. “This is the only way to protect you.” No shit? I guess removing the only human being that is molesting those poor kids is precisely the only way to protect them. Nice insight there, John.

So, congrats John, we here salute you in killing yourself before someone else did. Please have fun with your new life of bum sodomy in hell!

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tbt* (and really any local publication) is a goldmine of really poorly designed, poorly thought out ads. I’d love to do an ad of the day, but seriously, it would take me all day just to pick the worst of the bunch. Today we feature a real head-scratcher from the folks at Owen Sweet Design in Redington Beach. Apparently when you’re growing up and normal kids are learning stuff like grammar and punctuation, aspiring jewelry designers are zoning out sketching peculiar rings and trinkets. Perhaps that explains the extremely odd use of punctuation in this case? Also, 50 points to whomever decodes the phrase “Who has taste, Knows?”.

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I stole that headline from Jay Cridlin over at tbt*, because, well because I couldn’t really write a better one. Nice work, Jay. Jay wrote a story about the Jugs Across America trailer coming to Raymond James before the USF game tonight. Jugs across what now? Let’s take a closer look:

Holy crap, it’s dancing boobs… for a cause. Check out Jingle Jugs for Life to learn more about how a dancing set of boobs can raise breast cancer awareness. Oh, you can also learn how an audio clip that starts automatically and can’t be turned off is super friggin’ annoying. Either way, if you’re going to the game, be sure to check out a trailer full of these amazing technological wonders transformed into high-brow works of art.

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Speaking of The Loafies, while I was, of course, stoked that we won against all odds – the Phil Collins kind – I was a little confused by the state of the readers’ choice awards, especially the Best Book Store recipient.Seriously, which one of you assclowns voted for Barnes & Noble for best book store? It’s like the food court of books, people. Damn. This is complicated. I mean, I suppose this means that no one actually reads, in which case reading and comprehending the admonition on the Loafies submission page to avoid voting for large chains might have been a little difficult. I suppose it’s also possible that the hive mind at B & N gamed the system by hiring a bunch of Chinese World of Warcraft gold farmers to assault the Loafies site with votes. Actually, gold farming isn’t bad work if you can get it. Anybody want a level 67 Paladin? Comes complete with +200 assless chaps of smiting and a +300 velvet robe of lounging.

In any event, I expected more. Please allow me to introduce you to a little place called Haslam’s Book Store. Perhaps you’ve heard of it, I mean, it’s only been there for about seventy-four years. Lots of books. New and used, plenty of stuff you’re being force fed by Oprah, but also plenty more stuff that you’ve probably never heard of, and is therefore better for you. There’s an excellent Florida section, and a bizarrely comprehensive section of books about collectible Japanese toys, which I really just refer to as porn. Robot eye candy, if you will. Did I mention the selection of about every used classic you can think of? Yeah, so John Grisham wrote a new book about playing football in Italy. Kafka, Woolf and Frederick Douglass are not impressed.

“But but, the selection pales compared to B & N,” you might say. Well then have them freaking order whatever you want. They don’t charge shipping, and you get your books all oldskool wrapped in brown paper, just like that book cover you finally figured out how to make by the 11th grade. “But but, Barnes & Noble is cheaper,” you might say. Is it really? In the long term? There are larger, systemic reasons for supporting local business that have a greater impact on your wallet in the long run. You can read about some of them here (go Washington state).

As if that weren’t enough, you will notice on their website, which happens to be the oldest living example of local 90’s web design, that there is a goddamn Doom WAD file available for download. Words can barely express the level of retro badassery this represents. You too can haul your BFG 9000 around the store and blow shit up. While you’re in there, please destroy the weird Atkins diet section, now that shit I can’t get behind.

While we’re on the topic of books, if you’re looking for used, or maybe for some crazy illuminated manuscript, you could always hit up Wilson’s Book World, although their selection tends to be more of the “this is where old people’s books go when they die” variety. Then again, I recently picked up a mint copy of Research 12: Modern Primitives there, which kind of makes me wonder which kinky ass old person died and left that behind?

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That’s right people, we won the critic’s pick for best local blog in Creative Loafing’s annual Best of the Bay. The awesome part is that now we can say we are a critically acclaimed blog without completely lying. Thanks Creative Loafing, we take back some of the mean things we’ve said about you (except you, Wade).

Did I mention we’ve only been in business for 4 months? Yeah, that’s right, we’re that good. Did I also mention that tbt* has taken to quoting us in their Tampa Bay report? Yeah, that’s right, we rule. Well, actually brightlight will claim they have taken to quoting him, but we know they’re just throwing the slow kid a bone.

We were also up for the reader’s poll best local blog along with ninebullets.net and sticksoffire.com. We actually felt weird about winning both awards, so we politely withdrew from the running and the award went to the runner up. Congrats sticks! Keep that hush though, we asked the CL people not to mention it to them.

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From Tampa Bay’s 10:

A 16-year-old boy was shot in the groin tonight by another teen seeking revenge for a robbery earlier in the week, Sarasota Police said.

The victim was taken to Bayfront Medical Center in St. Petersburg with non-life threatening injuries. His name was not released.

Non-life-threatening, eh? I beg to differ. He got shot in the friggin’ balls, people. Ow! My balls!

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One of my many hobbies is history, and I pride myself on being the go to guy for both WUSF and tbt* for their “this day in history” features. For this day, let’s travel back to 1848.

Eisenhower was just elected. The country was enjoying an economic rebound due to the burgeoning soy burger and polyester markets. Florida had recently discovered a little known fruit called grapes and was planting trees as far as the eye could see (as you know, grapes have become synonymous with Florida, becoming a sort of mascot for the state).

Captain John LeVeque, a Frenchman turned pirate, had fancied now Madeira Beach as a safe place to hide his treasure while he was busy raping and pillaging (actually he was sort of a pussy pirate, never killed a single person - weak). When he retired from piracy, he planned to claim his treasure using the handy map he had drawn of the beach, and travel on to New Orleans for a life of throwing beads at drunken college girls.

On September 26, 1848, LeVeque had planned to go ashore, but an approaching hurricane forced him to wait until the morning of September 27 only to discover that the hurricane had bitchslapped the island, splitting it right down the middle and totally screwing any chance of his map being of any use. His consolation prize was the naming of the gap, John’s Pass, that had been created by the hurricane. As you might expect, this did not comfort him one bit and it is rumored that he would slice the throat of any man, woman or child that uttered the words “well, John, at least they named the pass after you.”

Hmm, looking back at the Eisenhower stuff I’m not so sure about the accuracy of that part… but the John’s Pass shit is legit, I assure you.

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I snake a lot of stories from the “This Just In” blog over at tampabay.com, which is usually good for a story or two a week. I’ve gotta call bullshit on them today, though, as they’ve seriously jumped the shark. And yes, I said jump the shark, suck it.

They recently posted this: Tampa company shows some ankle on CSI: Miami premier. Wait a second, my beloved breaking news blog didn’t just post a flippin’ press release, did they?

The fall premier that aired Sept. 24 featured an Actsoft Inc. electronic ankle bracelet that not only keeps track of its wearer’s location but also alerts authorities if the wearer consumes alcohol. Wright said a CSI producer contacted Actsoft after reading a newspaper article about the bracelet. Although the Actsoft logo appeared six or seven times on-screen, the company didn’t have to pay a penny for the product placement, Wright added.

Sonofabitch, they did post a flippin’ press release. Tsk, tsk Scott Barancik, please return your junior reporter play badge on your way out the door. I really hope this is a one time mistake, leave the “coverage” of press releases to every other department of the Times, Creative Loafing and tbt*, not the breaking news blog.

Oh, one redeeming fact about these Actsoft asshats: check out this totally unedited (I’m not kidding) ad. I think the cutline is “Get a txt when your bro gets his drunk on, 40 stylee.”

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So first there’s this story, in which a totally innocent Carlton K. Gay is just kicking it, minding his own business, waiting for “female company” at his motel room, ends up getting shot in what I’m sure he is referring to as a most senseless and random act of violence. Being denied the joy of wanton speculation by its journalistic principles, the Times has to make this story seem a little longer and a lot more confusing than it needs to be. Here’s the real, if as yet unsubstantiated, version: Boy meets Ho, Boy stiffs Ho, Pimp shoots Boy, slaps Ho on general principle.

As if that weren’t enough of an affront to the gay, there’s this:

Gallery 2061 got vandalized overnight. You know, that gallery that got all the press last month for bringing an apparently prudish St. Petersburg all the cultural enlightenment that comes with an erotic art show. It turns out that at the time, no one really got all that freaked out about the presence of artfully-rendered tits and ass, which is a good sign. Nevertheless, last night, some bored NASCARican* felt compelled to spray paint “No Fag Porn” on the gallery’s main window. While personally I would like to think that this was a poorly worded statement about his or her own lack of gay porn, and therefore, a veiled request to be showered with every conceivable manifestation of teh gay pr0n, I don’t think this is how it’s going to be interpreted.

My first response is simply this: Are you fucking kidding me? Again with the hate graffiti? Flarg. My more reasoned response is that this is a hate crime, and should be treated as such. By all accounts, that is, in fact how it’s being treated.

To me, the whole erotic art tie in just distracts from the stark gravity of the issue. It kind of bothers me that somehow weaved into all this is the notion that the acceptance of erotic art is some kind of major indicator of a city’s relative cultural enlightenment. At its best, erotic art is stuff that’s already art that might also be characterized as erotic. At its worst it’s just a lot of nekkid rendered with better technique and composition than garden variety softcore. I know, enigmatic distinctions. You’ll figure it out. The general easy acceptance of Gallery 2061 is absolutely a part of St. Pete’s overall cultural picture, but it’s just a small piece of it, and shouldn’t be held up as some kind of touchstone for the state of the city’s progressiveness.

There are close relationships between the city’s gay community and its arts community, but it’s the former that’s being attacked here. That being said, it’s a little troubling that William Schramm, the gallery owner’s last comment in the CL article amounts to something like, “Dude, if this shit keeps up, I am out of here.” Way to fight the good fight there, champ.

* resident of NASCARica, a rogue country within a country

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I know topherchris already posted about this, but come on… a duck getting maced by a cop is worth at least 16 more posts of funny. Take, for instance, the awesome expert point of view provided to the Times by Ramiro Isaza, a veterinarian specializing in nondomestic species and chief of zoological medicine service at the University of Florida School of Veterinary Medicine.

“In the eyes, it would be expected to be very uncomfortable,” Isaza said, but it probably would not cause permanent damage.

Isaza declined to say whether pepper-spraying a duck constitutes cruelty. That would depend on the circumstances, he said.

“I don’t know what this duck was doing,” Isaza said. “It was probably not used for the benefit of the animal, but without the details, who can say.”

Riiiiight. So your expert opinion is that macing a duck would probably be uncomfortable, you’re not sure whether macing a duck is cruel, and you’re unclear on whether or not macing a fucking duck was done for the duck’s benefit. In other words, you’re a complete moron. Thanks for that. Also, good call on not siding with the cops or the duck without all the facts, it is quite possible the duck was totally resisting arrest and fully deserved a healthy dose of mace.

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Apparently, the cops aren’t content with destroying homes of homeless people — now they’re macing ducks.

I love Kenneth City. Really. Like I love cheesedick local TV news reports.

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Awesome news from the FBI yesterday: Florida is murder country! It appears as though our murder and manslaughter rate rose 27.9% last year, congratulations America’s wang! I’m sure you’re thinking this must be a national trend, but for once we are actually ahead of the nation who was collectively only able to pull an increase of 1.8%. I don’t know about you, but I’m proud as hell - raising the manslaughter rate that much in one year is no easy task. It took the blood, sweat, tears and blood of lots of folks to make this happen and we salute you, Florida murderers.

This got me curious, so I did a little comparison between Hillsborough and Pinellas counties to see how we stack up.

UPDATE: brightlight is both slow and a whiny bitch, and as such I am adding this explanation of the above table. Column 1 is the crime. Column 2 is Hillsborough’s figures. Column 3 is Pinellas’ figures. Column 4 is the difference, in percentage, between Hillsborough and Pinellas. In other words, if it is -19% it means Pinellas has 19% less population. A positive number of course means Pinellas is higher. You with me?

First thing to note is the difference in population which should be considered when comparing the numbers. In most cases it is pretty damn clear that Pinellas is a safer place to call home. We sort of bit it in the Forcible Rape department (sorry about that, ladies), and the overall crime rate doesn’t look so hot - but hey, at least you’re less likely to have your car stolen! Oh, and ignore the 4 homicides here in the ‘burg this month, that was a fluke… sort of like the 3 in May and the 5 in July. No need to worry, we’re only up to 21 and there are only 3 months left in the year!

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