These dudes said they had St. Pete tattoos… I guess that counts. Check out homeboy in the middle with an SR666. Ah to be young and drunk.

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So there’s no question this is a totally screwed up story. 19 year old punk ass busts into an 82 year old woman’s house in the middle of the day with a gun and then proceeds to beat and rob her. The good news is that the dipshit ends up bragging to some friends who turn him in, score one for humanity.

Here’s where I’m confused though:

Ives is seeing Sookoo on the news now and says she doesn’t recognize him because it all happened so fast. “He just looked so nice, clean cut and it wasn’t dark and I’ve never been afraid. I’m a people person.” While she likes people she says she’s still cautious. She answered the door that day carrying an ice pick and she used it to fight back. Now she’s learning through detectives that she did stab Sookoo during the struggle.

Um, huh? She says she wasn’t scared but she answered the door with an ice pick? Mind you we’re talking about the corner of 34th Ave N and 27th St, not exactly the middle of the ghetto. Something is screwy here.

Here’s my theory: grandma was looking for a fight, sitting in her recliner all day waiting for a delivery dude, or a girl scout or whomever to ring the door bell. Dude comes knocking at the door thinking that he’ll see if the nice old woman needs him to do some yardwork, go shopping for her or generally be neighborly. BAM! She flies up out of the chair, charges dude and stabs the shit out of him with the ice pick she had carefully chosen earlier in the morning. Dude has no recourse but to pull the gun he’s carrying (thank god he remembered to bring it today), slap grandma around a little and then take her wallet for good measure. Which leads to some good advice my dad told me when I was just a kid: always be prepared for grandma to stab your ass with an ice pick, always.

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Awesome news! The U.S. Army Joint Munitions Command at Rock Island, Ill., has awarded General Dynamics Ordnance and Tactical Systems the first year of a multiple award contract with a total potential value of $74.6 million. On any given day this may not interest you, but did you know General Dynamics Ordnance and Tactical Systems is based right here in sunny St. Pete? Knowing what’s in your own backyard is important, kiddies.

General Dynamics-Ordnance and Tactical Systems empowers the U.S. military and its allies with an extensive range of overarching product segments.. applied across all levels of strategic and tactical operations. A business unit within the Combat Systems Group of General Dynamics, we are a world leader in the manufacture of large, medium- and small-caliber direct and indirect-fire munitions, mortar weapons and systems, artillery projectiles, bomb bodies and Ball Powder® Propellant.

Well sign me the hell up! I’d like to order one of everything, please. In fact, to make it easier for those of you already wondering what to get me for Christmas, here’s a top 3:

The CBU-87/B Combined Effects Munition (CEM)

155mm Advanced Cannon XM0603

Hydra-70 Air-to-Ground Rocket System

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Spotted downtown.

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Now, far be it from me to suggest to our local print media outlet what should and shouldn’t be in the news, but I don’t think now is really a good time to be doing front page features on crappy Welsh emo bands, especially not when today was the day they held a memorial service for slain Hillsborough sheriff’s Sgt. Ronald Harrison. That man was actually a true local hero, and . . .Wait, what? That article was about him? Awwwww, crap. Sorry. Carry on.

*ahem*

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to find the right tie to wear over my t-shirt and spend at least an hour distressing my nail polish so it looks like I’ve had it on for a week; thereby dispelling the rumor at school that I have to apply it in the car on the way to school because otherwise my parents would totally freak out.  That’s not true, though.  I can do whatever the hell I want.  I am punk as fuck, bitches.  Peanut allergy or not.

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Remember Earthlink? You know, the company most famous for pissing away a market share second only to AOL in the late 90’s. Earlier this year the city chose them to head up the citywide Wi-Fi project, primarily because they were willing to build the network for free and recoup the costs in subscriptions. Can you guess where this is going?

A proposed citywide wireless Internet service is on hold while Earthlink, the city’s chosen provider, rethinks its Wi-Fi business strategy.

Yeah, I was afraid that’s what you’d say. Earthlink… actually, let’s refer to them as Earthtank, tanked once before and are poised to do it again. Earthtank apparently won the contract without really knowing how viable free Wi-Fi networks were as a business plan. I’ll give you a hint guys: free anything is a bad business model. This is the sort of thing that businesses normally decide before competing for large contracts, but hey, when you’re Earthtank you do whatever the fuck you want.

The bummer is that Earthtank beat out Citi WiFi, a company actually based in St. Pete. Buy local, bitches. They had a slightly different thought on how it would work out, nixing the whole “free for the city” aspect (which seems more than reasonable), and also had a bit of sage advice regarding Earthtank:

Citi said its technology would be more cost effective than Earthlink’s and suggested the out-of-town company was overpromising to get the deal.

Overpromising? You mean like telling an entire city you’ll do something and then pressing pause to rethink your business strategy?

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You may remember that in a previous post I pondered the reckless ways of our local lizard population. Why do they run into oncoming pedestrian traffic? What has them so down that a death by Converse seems the only way out? Can lizards even get depressed? What about Restless Leg Syndrome? Can they get that? Why have I not seen an ad for that? Maybe it’s just that our lizards are all XXXtreme athletes, and darting across the sidewalk in front of people is their version of base jumping.

Now, your average, blogger would have probably just made a bunch of shit up in order to answer these questions, trying to pass off ill-informed speculation as fact, and a generalized crankiness as hard-hitting analysis. You should know by now that that’s totally not our style. Seriously. On good days, we like to think of ourselves as legitimate journalists, and as you all know as loyal readers of tbt*, journalizing is serious business. That is why, in the interest of investigative journalism, I emailed the first person who came up when you type “Ask a herpetologist” into Google. Much to the shock and awe of all involved, he actually responded.

That’s right, kids. Prof. Dennis Ferraro of the University of Nebraska, Lincoln came through like a champ. I think we can all agree that this action on his part will go great lengths to improve the image of herpetology and herpetologists everywhere, ’cause you know, things haven’t quite been the same since that whole toad licking scandal in ‘87.

Anyhoo, without further whatever, you’ll be happy to know that there are at least three herpetologically endorsed theories when it comes to explaining the deathwishery of the local tiny dinosaur population:

That the lizard in question has eggs in the area and wants any potential predator to be directed in a different direction.

We shall refer to this as the “these aren’t the eggs you were looking for” strategy. Mmmm, jedi lizards.

Most natural Anolis (our most common local lizard) predators find the lizards via olfaction (that’s by scent, kids) not vision. Therefore the lizard assumes it has been located and escape is the best plan. An Anolis travels faster on open ground (and tree bark) than on vegetated /grassy substrates.

I think this is best described as the “smell ya’ later” defense.

Lizards can move faster if warmer. One way an ectothermic (regulates body temperature through external sources) organism such as a lizard can increase body temperature is through conduction of heat from a warmer surface. A faster lizard is harder to catch.

My personal favorite, the “hold up just a sec while I warm myself so that I might run away more efficiently”, uh strategy?

So there you have it. The next time you pull something trying to avoid a lizard on the sidewalks of our fair city, at least you’ll know what the hell that lizard was thinking.

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Hurricane Dean says “sup” to the Yucatan.

So they get a little wet. Whatev.

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There is an awesome pair of stories today indicating just how much of a fucktard Charlie Crist is. Let’s start first with the awesome Times piece on what a slacker Charlie is.

In the 7 1/2 months since he took office, Crist has taken all or virtually all of 19 weekdays off in addition to having most weekends off.

Right on, dude, get your vacation on. Sounds like he works where I do. But really, you know, he has been doing this for 7 months now, I think it is fair that he has taken just about a month of that off. Governatin’ is hard work.

The second story ran in the Times on Saturday, aptly titled Property tax savings don’t match the hype (you can also check it out in today’s tbt*). Can you guess where this is going?

…figures from Tampa Bay area property appraisers show typical savings far below the $174 figure touted by legislators in June. Hillsborough homeowners with a homestead exemption will typically save $124. And they made out the best in Tampa Bay. The typical savings for a Pinellas County homeowner with the homestead exemption is $81; in Pasco, it’s just $34.

Well fuck me silly, you mean to say those devastating budget cuts aren’t even saving us the weakass amounts that were originally quoted? This just can’t be, I mean, certainly Charlie wouldn’t sit by and let this happen… well, that is, unless he was on vacation the day they did the math?

The good news is that it gets better… right? What about nonhomestead property?

In Hillsborough, bills for the typical nonhomestead property owners will actually increase, by $44. The news is just as bad for Hillsborough owners of commercial and industrial property, who face a typical increase of $385, according to property appraiser’s data.

Certainly the Times has this wrong. There is no way the government of Florida, with notorious nose-to-the-grindstone-hard-working Charlie Crist at the helm, would have fed us a complete bullshit line, slashed budgets everywhere, and then not passed those savings on to us. Right? God? Are you listening?

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There are approximately two more hours left for a crap parking post hat trick. I only need one more. Give that to me and then maybe I’ll consider posting something more substantive - right after I finish this bottle of Yukon Jack, aka “The Black Sheep of Canadian Liqueur.”

What? No, that’s not my car. My Cadillac is electric green with gold trim. Damn, son.

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Meet Ralph. Ralph was arrested a few weeks ago for domestic battery. Yeah, you know, the kind where some asshole in a pink polo shirt gets tough and roughs his wife up. You know what happens to dudes like you, Ralph? You get featured in our douchebag blotter, a new service of St. Petersblog. Keep that in mind, kids, before you start getting all Ike Turner on your old lady.

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What the fuck is with those stupid bats and balls? I mean, I can almost get behind the bats, but the goddamn one dimensional piece of shit baseballs? You’re making an eyesore worse. Knock it the fuck off.

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User submitted. Keep them coming and we could end up with an automotive asshattery trifecta. Spotted at the Y.

The stated mission of the YMCA is “To put Judeo-Christian principles into practice through programs that build healthy spirit, mind and body.” I’m not sure this in keeping with that mission. How would Jesus park anyway?

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User submitted. What is it? It’s goddamn E.T. on a motorcycle tank, that’s what. Turn on your heart lights, bitches.

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