You may want to sit down before you read this. I just can’t hold it in any longer… My friends:

I’m in favor of urban gentrification.

Somebody hold me. It’s not easy for me to come to terms with either. I’m the guy who is more radically leftist than you on everything. That’s right, my Communist Party (USA) membership card is weeping red tears right now. What the hell is happening here? To say that my contemporaries and I aren’t on the same side of this issue is an understatement. People who side with the gentry can only quench their thirst with the blood of puppies, right?

Ugh. Okay, no. It actually tastes pretty nasty. So what’s the story?

Let’s define what we’re talking about here, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Gentrification, or urban gentrification, is a phenomenon in which low-cost, physically deteriorated neighborhoods undergo physical renovation and an increase in property values, along with an influx of wealthier residents who may displace the prior residents.

Balls! That fucking sucks! Who am I, Scrooge McDuck? No, of course I don’t want to see people getting evicted on Christmas Eve or any other time. That’s horrible. But let’s take a step back and look at this thing.

A community has needs which only the private sector can provide.
And the private sector won’t provide them if they can’t be sure they’ll make a profit. Hey, I don’t like it either, but it’s the way things are. The Times had it right: The 2005 opening of a Sweetbay Supermarket in Midtown was a big deal. Just as it was when a Publix finally opened downtown. It’s simple: even we downtowners require food, toothpaste, and the occasional roll of toilet paper. Do we need another Starbucks? No. Just like we don’t need Dew Cadillac & Hummer taking up 3 square blocks — like they used to before downtown had its resurgence. (Not to mention all the jobs that a grocery store provides. Oh, what about all the aspiring local car salesmen? If you want to sell cars for living then you’re probably an asshole. Sorry.)

Yet another condo is better than failed, dilapidated, empty commercial space.
I don’t know where all these rich condo-dwellers are going to magically apparate from either, and I’d rather have museums or farmer’s markets or homeless shelters or a root canal over another condo. But isn’t new development of any kind better than stagnant space? If you kids are that upset about the empty storefronts on Central Avenue being torn down for completely unaffordable lofts, where the fuck were you when those stores were actually open for business? Similarly, if you don’t like the stores they put in the street level of these high-rises, just exercise your economic power by withholding your almighty dollar from them, too.

A landowner has the right to sell property to the highest bidder.
Common sense, I know, but isn’t this the crux of the matter? I’m all for the richest nation on Earth (that’s still us, right?) providing all her citizens with affordable safe housing, a livable and realistic minimum wage, free quality health care, free quality college education, and all the rest. But until we as a society come to that, we’re stuck with relatively unchecked capitalism. What’s the solution to preventing lower-income families from becoming displaced? How about a law prohibiting property owners from selling to developers? I’d like to believe that’s feasible, or even remotely realistic, but I don’t.

I’m in my third downtown residence and counting. I recognize that I’m lucky, in that I can afford to live here, and that I stuck around after getting kicked out of two apartment complexes that both turned condo on me and a few hundred other people. It truly was a different downtown way back when I first moved in. Go ahead, tell me you liked it better when The Pier was the only thing to do.