See, now this sucks. At first I thought this story might actually end up being kind of funny. I mean, whenever I find myself caught in a house with a dude with a Heatmiser haircut engaged in something that might appear to be prostitution, the first thing I usually claim is contractual enslavement. The headlines could have been so much different. “Precocious Pro claims Slavery made her do it.” But see, this story isn’t really funny at all.

Ok, well some stuff is funny. Like, for example, the statement of the Sheriff’s department spokesperson noted when the story first broke.

It wasn’t a dungeon per se, said Kevin Doll, a spokesman for the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office, but it did have all the accessories. Whips, chains . . . sexual toys.

I mean, it’s always good to know you have someone on staff who is an S&M connoisseur. You never know when you’re going to roll up to a scene and need someone to assess the legitimacy of a supposed “dungeon.” You call that a dungeon, man? Shit. There are standards, seriously. If you don’t believe me, please check out this issue of the Steel Door Newsletter on dungeon etiquette.

I’d also think that within the rules of S&M there’s something about having a name that commands some respect if you’re a master. Master Drew? Seriously? Drew is that guy from your fraternity who would taser his own balls if he thought that you might laugh at it. Jesus, Drew. You can’t pull this shit off. And seriously, shave that shit on your face, no one actually believes you have a chin.

Beyond that, there’s nothing funny about this story. See, part of the lure engaging in uh, “deviant” sexual activities is that you are willfully transgressing your own (more or les) well established personal boundaries. Taking advantage of someone who, because of mental illness, doesn’t have a clear sense of his or her own boundaries is just grossly craven, disgusting, weak and inhuman.

The other thing that’s not funny about this whole situation is that Andrew “Lunchbox” Kobak had done this before. He lured a mentally-disabled 19-year-old woman from Illinois to Florida and tried the whole Master routine on her, and was ultimately charged with all kinds of things, not the least of which was lewd or “lascivious acts on a disabled person.” Holy shit, Lunchbox, you are an asshole.

Somehow, the case was dismissed, and all record of it has vanished. This is because Florida law allows for arrest records to be purged if the arrest was deemed unwarranted. Wait, what? How the fuck is there no record of this shit. And people wonder why Florida seems to have become a haven for sex offenders. I mean, seriously. Getting off on a technicality shouldn’t change the fact that at some point police found you in a seriously fucked up situation - what? By accident? Sorry officer, I was just standing on the corner minding my own business when this girl came into my house and beat herself with a hose and managed to chain herself to the wall. Fuck.