In an effort to maintain the proper ratio of “edu” to “tainment” in the Splog, I find myself compelled to frame certain posts in historical contexts that most people don’t want taking up space in their heads. So, the next time you draw a total blank when you and your friends are trying to remember the lyrics to Monty Python’s “The Galaxy Song,” you can blame me for deceiving you into reading statements like the following: One of the predecessors of the modern novel was something called the epistolary novel, the plots of which unfolded as correspondence between two main characters. Yes, it’s true. A whole novel consisting of nothing but letters from one person to another.

Here’s something you probably did know. The ‘Burg has a number of places where the financially and arithmetically challenged (these may be related) among us can rent sick wheels for those occasions that simply demand things of a shiny and spinning nature. One such place, Rent-n-Roll, has this awesome rent to own option that will allow you – yes, even you – into a sensible financial arrangement whereby you probably end up paying twelve times the actual retail price of the wheels you’re renting by the time your rental contract is up.

I don’t really care about that part. I do care about the fact that the Rent-n-Roll has a contact page that allows me to send them messages. I really can’t think of a better place to start the Splog’s first serial drama. Our novel begins with Colby, an enterprising young resident of the Crosswinds Mobile Home Park with a classic romantic dilemma. What better place than a corporate web form to seek advice?

Dear Rent-N-Roll (PP-Lo-Town! Represent!),

Ok, so here’s the deal. I need to impress this girl, but like, you know, money’s tight and all – I mean, not so tight I can’t pass your exceptionally rigorous background check. I’ve gotten guns at Wal-Mart with half the info it takes to get some spinners. Dang! Should I bring this container of ‘genetic material’ to your store directly? I don’t think I can mail it.

All kidding aside, though. I mean, say I just want to roll by this chick’s house once so she can see my sweet wheels? It seems to me like I could get by with only two wheels. I mean, theres no reason for her to come all the way out to the street to see me. So, yeah, she’s only going to be seeing one side of the car. You feel me? Do you guys do that? Can I just get two? Can I rent them by the minute?

Thanks for lettin’ me know.

- CT

Stay tuned for the next installment, which, you know, is kind of contingent on Rent-n-Roll actually responding to me – er, Colby. Don’t hold you breath. Well, unless you’re a pearl diver and it’s your job.