Before I cover any ground here, I’d like us all to acknowledge that nobody has any real idea what the hell is going to happen to St. Pete’s CNN/YouTube GOP debate. After both Giuliani and Romney admitted they were going to flake out, it seems that every option is on the table — including tanking it completely.

According to the vast array of consistently infallible information available on the Interwebs, literally every possible scenario is playing out before our very eyes — simultaneously: Romney hasn’t really flaked out at all. Actually, he has. But Ron Paul will be there, so we should go forward as planned. It’s not that they’re afraid of the fact that reality has a notable liberal bias, the Republicans just need the date pushed back a few weeks. Oh, fuck it all, the GOP is actually just going to scrap the motherfucker altogether.

Meh.

Some good news that actually has me a little bit impressed, and I mean that mostly sans snark, is that some Republicans are hoppin’ mad about their party not being “down” and have put together savethedebate.com to try to, well, save the debate or at least publicly shame the candidates who don’t show up.

So there you have it. The Republican Debate, live from St. Petersburg: It’s on as planned, it’s postponed, it’s canceled. Politics as usual with some quantum physics thrown in.

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What’s with all the news from Port St. Lucie these days? Someone at the Times must be burning through some vacation days out there. Maybe it was just the simple content of the story. I mean, I can think of a billion reasons why a story about some dude confronting a burglar in a place exactly 205 miles from St. Petersburg would be re-newsed in our local paper. Wait, no I can’t. Well, hang on, maybe if there was some kind of southern common interest/misogyny angle . . . oh shit! It’s right there. That dude totally would have shot that other dude if only his simple-minded wife hadn’t hidden his gun. Oh Lucy, what are we going to do with you? There goes the little lady again, thwarting your manhood and your homicidal urges. I’m with you, dude. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend, I’d be rolling in insane UFC dollars right now.

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I know we like to give Timesland a lot of crap, but it’s only because we care. I mean, you can’t help but laugh just a little watching old media behemoths take their first awkward steps into the wonderful world of the intarwebz. Remember at the end of 54% of 80’s movies where the kids teach the principal how to do the robot? Yeah, it’s something like that, except with fewer track suits and electronic drums. Better late than never and all that, and we’re here to help, but it’s not going to happen without us laughing our asses off. That’s what you get for being a dick all these years, dad.

Whatever. If you like watching big companies try to figure out shit on the internet that most of us figured out about five years ago, then spend a lot of time at tampabay.com. The most recent example of this seems to be the disappearance of comments on the breaking news blog. The last post with comments seems to be this one, and I can only imagine that pr0n spam comment had someone over at Tmesland freaking the fuck out. Response? Kill the comments until we can figure out how to deal with this new scourge the kids are calling “spam.” Ah, growing pains. I’m sure they’ll get this figured out. I mean, it only took a few weeks for someone over there to sift through the Typepad docs and figure out what a trackback was.

Like I said, we laugh because we care, and we here at the Splog don’t want Timesland to have to figure all this out on its own. We’re happy to act as new media consultants. Times, we await your call. We want in on that sweet old media money. I hear it smells like leather and Old Spice.

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tbo.com’s Snap looks like it might be making a run for tbt’s galleries of Florida awesomeness. I think it is important to point out that both events below took place in Tampa, tbo on top, tbt on bottom. That’s right, not St. Pete, bitches.

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In an effort to maintain the proper ratio of “edu” to “tainment” in the Splog, I find myself compelled to frame certain posts in historical contexts that most people don’t want taking up space in their heads. So, the next time you draw a total blank when you and your friends are trying to remember the lyrics to Monty Python’s “The Galaxy Song,” you can blame me for deceiving you into reading statements like the following: One of the predecessors of the modern novel was something called the epistolary novel, the plots of which unfolded as correspondence between two main characters. Yes, it’s true. A whole novel consisting of nothing but letters from one person to another.

Here’s something you probably did know. The ‘Burg has a number of places where the financially and arithmetically challenged (these may be related) among us can rent sick wheels for those occasions that simply demand things of a shiny and spinning nature. One such place, Rent-n-Roll, has this awesome rent to own option that will allow you – yes, even you – into a sensible financial arrangement whereby you probably end up paying twelve times the actual retail price of the wheels you’re renting by the time your rental contract is up.

I don’t really care about that part. I do care about the fact that the Rent-n-Roll has a contact page that allows me to send them messages. I really can’t think of a better place to start the Splog’s first serial drama. Our novel begins with Colby, an enterprising young resident of the Crosswinds Mobile Home Park with a classic romantic dilemma. What better place than a corporate web form to seek advice?

Dear Rent-N-Roll (PP-Lo-Town! Represent!),

Ok, so here’s the deal. I need to impress this girl, but like, you know, money’s tight and all – I mean, not so tight I can’t pass your exceptionally rigorous background check. I’ve gotten guns at Wal-Mart with half the info it takes to get some spinners. Dang! Should I bring this container of ‘genetic material’ to your store directly? I don’t think I can mail it.

All kidding aside, though. I mean, say I just want to roll by this chick’s house once so she can see my sweet wheels? It seems to me like I could get by with only two wheels. I mean, theres no reason for her to come all the way out to the street to see me. So, yeah, she’s only going to be seeing one side of the car. You feel me? Do you guys do that? Can I just get two? Can I rent them by the minute?

Thanks for lettin’ me know.

- CT

Stay tuned for the next installment, which, you know, is kind of contingent on Rent-n-Roll actually responding to me – er, Colby. Don’t hold you breath. Well, unless you’re a pearl diver and it’s your job.

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This article in today’s Neighborhood Times talks about how young people drawn to St. Petersburg, “a young, hip, modern” city, can barely afford it. It points out some facts such as:

• The median sales price for a single-family home in the city soared from $78,000 in 1995 to $225,500 in 2006
• Rent for a two-bedroom apartment climbed from $541 in 1995 to $817 in 2007
• Pinellas County lost 20,000 affordable housing units in the past six years (majority of which were apt to condo conversions)

I may just be a cynical bastard, but does it seem odd that they are covering what I can only assume are white, middle class folks instead of the people seriously affected by these trends? What about the actual working class surviving just above the poverty line that couldn’t even afford the housing or rent costs back in 1995, let alone now? Not newsworthy?

Askia Muhammad Aquil, president of the nonprofit agency St. Petersburg Neighborhood Housing Services says: “We are finding that families with higher income levels than we have historically seen are seeking out our assistance.”

Well, isn’t that great news? That’s fantastic! I think people that have good jobs, but are feeling a little financial pinch (most likely because of unintelligent debt they’ve incurred) should totally be using services designed for people that aren’t sure they’ll be able to buy their kids food this week.

Median prices are complete bullshit anyway because it means factoring in the $750,000 condos in addition to the more affordable houses in north St. Pete. I think the problem is that these “young, hip, modern” folks want a house in Old Northeast or a new “urban” condo downtown instead of being realistic. Yes, costs are rising. Yes, pay is not increasing at the same rate. But it doesn’t feel right reading about folks that even have the means to buy a house when we’re busy gentrifying the most needy of our city right out of their homes.

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Oh shit, The Palladium is pitting the most ferocious of funky instruments head to head in what is poised to become the battle of the century. That’s right, kiddies, it’s Battle of the B3s. Make with details, internets:

The Hammond B3 organ is the instrument of choice for blues musicians and jazz musicians both. The jazz musicians will tell you that it’s really a jazz instrument, but you won’t find many blues artist who agree with that assessment. At this concert we’ll put the best of both groups on stage and let them battle it out.

Don’t be a pussy, get your tickets now and take notes because you’ll undoubtedly be telling your kids about this. And if you don’t know anything about Hammond B3s you’re a toolbag. Shit, look how cool you can look playing one (gold rings optional):

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Too lazy to actually write anything on Sunday, these images were in my phone, spotted at some point in time around the ‘burg.

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Awesome news for our brethren in Tampa: you’re going to die very soon!!! Tampa Electric’s Big Bend power station was just named one of the Top 50 Dirtiest Power Plants for CO2 and NOx emissions by the Environmental Integrity Project. I know what you’re saying: “but, how can that be? The TECO site says they are using a variety of proven technologies to significantly reduce nitrogen oxides, particulate matter and sulfur dioxide emissions and they claim to have a bunch of useful recycleable byproducts. They wouldn’t lie to us!”

The entire report is available as a huge ass PDF, but I’ll give you a breakdown of where you poor bastards rank:

• Emission Rate (lbs CO2/MWh): 21st
• Tons CO2: 45th
• Emission Rate (lbs NOx/MWh): 10th
• Tons NOx: 11th

Congrats on breaking the top 10 for NOx, that’s awesome news! The rankings are based on both emission rate, which measures the amount of pollution per megawatt-hour of electricity generated, and total annual amount of each pollutant emitted, which measures the gross impact on public health and the environment. In other words, that 11th place finish in tons of NOx is seriously bad news. Once again, hahahaha, sucks to live in Tampa.

Wait a second… we’re really not that far away, are we? Awww, shit… we’re screwed too. I would suggest that you call or write TECO and tell them that they can suck a fat one and you don’t want to be living near a power plant that is grossly polluting your environment. Do it now, slackers.

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That’s right kids, it’s time for Friday YouTube video grab bag. Today we feature a gem from the Midwest Street Ryders.

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I’ve long held the belief that political satire is officially redundant, but every so often a story grabs me by the face, slaps me and calls me Sally.

You see, some Republican candidates are having trouble with the format that CNN and YouTube used in this week’s Democratic debate — a format that I originally thought was going to tank but that kinda actually redeemed itself in the end. Further, I’ve been looking forward to seeing how the GOP candidates will handle the same kind of quirky, honest, never-dared-ask questions from all those kooky kids with webcams.

Oh yeah, and I’m also looking forward to it because it’s happening right down the street at Mahaffey on September 17. I can taste the molotov cocktails already.

Well hold now son, time for a reality check.

As of now, only two Republicans have said they’ll participate — McCain and Ron Paul. And we already know that Giuliani won’t be there due to a “scheduling conflict.” Which, of course, I believe.

What’s the deal then?

ZOMG SNOWMAN TERRISTS!!11

Apparently, a question from the Democratic debate about global warming, which came from a snowman and his smaller snowman son, is freaking these guys the fuck out.

John McCain, no shit, said this:

To have a question from a snowman is not frankly appropriate for a presidential debate.

Goddamned communist snowman is frankly more like it. Mitt Romney, you’re shitting me, joined in with:

I think the presidency ought to be held at a higher level than having to answer questions from a snowman.

That’s right! The president answers to fucking no one! Not even Frosty or any other cute little children’s characters. Fuck you too, Santa!

In this dangerous era of terrorism and war, can we really trust our country’s security to grown men who are afraid of snowmen? Don’t be an asshole. Vote Democratic. I’m The Splog and I approved this message, bitches.

Meh.

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If you see either of these dudes out around town, punch them in the nuts. They totally steal people’s money, except instead of just jackin’ your wallet they do it in a flaming $5,000/month, exclusive SOHO, fake boob, douchenozzle sort of way. I won’t get into this too much because 1) it is Tampa and 2) these dickbags don’t deserve the attention, but here you can get a really good run down of the collapse of Chateau Prive.

The short of it is that the two assclowns at right thought a super exclusive, super posh, super expensive club would totally kick ass in Tampa. They threw a ricockulous launch party in May with sharks, a white tiger and more plastic embedded in human than SOHO had ever seen (which is a whole shit ton). Then they shut the doors a couple weeks ago. Oh, and they still have your money. Oh, and the money of 25 employees they’ve been neglecting to pay for a couple of weeks. Oh, and the money of a charity that a portion of their membership fees were supposed to go to as well.

Say it with me: TAMPIONS!

Oh, and yes, we will soon be launching our $5,000/month membership section in which you will receive premium content and other stuff… like tigers and sharks.

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This one comes from the tbt* photo archives and was taken at Club Code. I’m note sure I really want to know what is going on here.

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So, here’s what I remember.  At some point around 3:27am, I have what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity,” sadly, this particular moment of clarity arises only because of the temporary caffeine jolt I got from drinking someone’s half-finished Bailey’s and coffee that I found at the end of the bar.  Before you judge me, I’ll have you know that it only had one cigarette butt in it.  As I was saying, the lizard part of my brain temporarily relinquishes control long enough for me to realize that I’m covered in tapioca, and totally naked except for one slightly used tangerine speedo and a Mexican wrestling mask.  For reasons still slightly confusing to me, there are 47 solved Rubik’s cubes and a stopwatch at my feet.

But wait; this is where it gets really interesting.  The Tampa Bay Devil Ray’s Carlos Peña is there.  He has the requisite number of bimbos.  It must actually be him.  “You win the prize,” he says, and hands me a knit Venom finger puppet.  Why?  I have no idea.  Thankfully, the welcome return of my blackout saves me from having to perform any strenuous deductive acrobatics with regard to the state in which I find myself.

This was only a temporary reprieve, however, as when I finally awoke, I found myself at Baltimore’s Camden Yard, watching the Rays lose 10 to 6.  Venom says hi.

Well, ok either that happened, or it’s really just that the operations of the Splog often take us far afield from our beloved St. Petersburg.  In any event, me and my Venom finger puppet are in the nations’ capitol.  Let the travelogue commence.

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Warning. If you are a loyal reader and enjoy us talking shit about people, you may wish to skip this post.

Spark is a branding/design/creative outfit in Tampa that appears to be doing some really fine work. Who knew? A quick look around their site reveals something that I happen to dig about smaller design firms - a bunch of clients I have never heard of. What’s cool is that while I haven’t heard of the brands, the work looks incredible - a lot of times you’ll quickly look at the client list and just the fact their clients aren’t big names tells you the work is going to suck. Not only does it not suck, they’ve won national ADDYs (which is highly unusual for this region).

They are throwing a party tomorrow night that you should totally crash. I’m pretty sure it is an invite only affair, but I’m sure they’d love to have you. If I’m not mistaken I think this is partially in response to the Forbes beatdown of Tampa as a viable place for Young Professionals (which between you and me, I think Forbes actually has it right).

We aren’t in the business of selling out (vote for us at Creative Loafing!) or promoting companies, but if you’re looking for design work you might want to contact these guys before anyone on the list below. The only way to improve the outlook of the bay area is by supporting people that are actually doing good work.

Now, just in case you got all concerned that we were saying something nice about local design, here is a chaser of total shit local designers that we hate:

• R-Design | Oh look, how cute, tiny cartoon people. Whenever making important business decisions I always like to consult tiny cartoon people. Their blog looks 2,000 times better than their main site, know why? They edited a template as opposed to designing from scratch. Ouch.
• DANG Designs & Advertising | Wow, um, seriously? I can’t get past the name, but if I could I bet your portfolio sucks.
• Papa’s Pages | Yeah, other than tiny cartoon people I’m all about trusting a dude that refers to himself as Papa. Looks like another template modifier, tsk tsk Papa.
• Pro Developer | Aka “we stole the Macromedia Shockwave logo.” These are those dudes that are like “no, seriously, your site should be entirely Flash, people eat that shit up even if it is totally unnecessary and actually makes the site less usable.”
• NoBS Technology | How long do you think it took to come up with that brilliant name? I bet the dude was bummed that DANG was already taken. Also, they operate their “website division” under the name West Coast Websites where they “provide our clients with a high quality product designed exactly to their specifications.” Yeah, uh, I’m calling BS.
• Coolfish Design | Jesus. They have a sportswear line with the dumbass logo… why are people like this allowed to make money?

OK, that’s all the punishment for now. The short of it this: compare all of the above list to Spark and you’ll see what we’re talking about here. Now let’s all pray for Spark, it seems that every time a really talented bunch of folks crop up in the bay area they wind up leaving.

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