In light of recent news surrounding Dick Cheney’s attempts to place as much of his office’s behavior as possible under a cone of silence, I thought it might be nice to say a little something about the old-fashioned notion that, for the most part, public officials - whether elected directly, or appointed by someone who has been elected to office - function, think and speak publicly. Metaphorically, they are supposed to be instruments of the public will - tools, if you will. The only way to judge the extent to which the elected tool is doing its job is to have a public record of its performance. If you make me wear a blindfold while I’m wielding this here chainsaw, then how am I going to know when I’m about to cut off my finger? I know, this is some revolutionary shit I’m dropping here. I’ll understand if you need a moment to toast up a pop tart and mull some of this over.

The reason I’ve got all this transparency on the brain at the moment has to do with today’s Times article about Cheri Yecke (Hi reputationdefender!). Yecke is Florida’s K-12 Chancellor, and many believe she is set to become Florida’s next education commissioner. It’s not all that surprising, then, that her record on the issue of evolution would begin to become interesting to Floridians. As a service to rational people everywhere, one blogger, Wesley Elsberry, compiled a number of statements by Yecke on the topic of evolution/intelligent design. You can make your own assumptions, but I’m not down with anyone who seems to want to become a stealthy advocate of the “evolution is all of a sudden controversial so we should keep our options open” team. Here’s the thing; just because you don’t understand something doesn’t make it controversial. Just because quantum physics doesn’t jibe with my personal comprehension of space-time doesn’t mean I’ve got the balls to want to retroactively wrestle Einstein. In short, the incongruity of evolution with what constitutes “fact” in crazyland does not weaken its integrity.

• 1 Comment

Yes, that Colonel Parker, Elvis’ loyal manager who was arguably responsible for the majority of his success. If Colonel Parker weren’t totally dead he’d be turning 98 today. Not too bad for a dead guy. But I bet you’re wondering what this has to do with your favorite online pub, no not tbt*, St. Petersblog.

Well, let’s play a quick round of “Didja know?”

Didja know that Tom Parker (well before he randomly started calling himself Colonel) lived in Tampa in the 1940s and worked as a dogcatcher and a pet cemetery proprietor? That’s right, pet freegin’ cemetary (or Pet Sematary if you prefer), people. How do you learn to become a world famous, relentless, unbelievably wealthy entertainment manager? You catch dogs and bury those motherfuckers.

• 0 Comments

Proving that hard-hitting, quality journalism is alive and well in the bay area.

Do you think the girl below, just maybe, just possibly, just perhaps wore that particular bikini to make sure she got her picture taken? Could it be?

• 0 Comments

Newly elected officers of the Withlacoochee Chapter of the Florida Society of the Sons of the American Revolution were inducted May 12 at the Inverness Golf and Country Club. Ronald Toops, district vice president of the society, presided. Inducted were John Camillo, president/registrar; William Teater, first vice president; Richard Sumner, second vice president; Harley Nelson, secretary; Jack Townsend, treasurer; and Dr. Randy Moody, chaplain. Non-elected officers appointed by the president include John Pardee, genealogist, and Richard Sumner, commander of the Thomas Jefferson, Camp 13, Withlacoochee Chapter color guard. Standing from left are Toops, Camillo, Teater, Moody, Nelson and Townsend. Richard Sumner was unavailable for the photo.

• 0 Comments

Man, they take their Yahtzee serious as shit in Tampa.

A game of Yahtzee on Saturday left one man dead and another charged with murder.

How exactly does a deadly argument erupt over Yahtzee? “Dude, fuck you, that isn’t a large straight, it’s a small straight!”

Shit, maybe one of them was cheating. “How the fuck did you get a 6 of a kind? 6 of a kind? Dude, there’s only 5 of each fucking die. DIE!”

There are lots of really crappy ways to die, probably more crappy ways than cool ways. But man, if you go out ’cause your Yahtzee challenger got pissed at your scoring habits and stabbed your dumb ass, that takes some sort of cake. Or 5 identical cakes.

• 0 Comments

What the hell is up with American Housing Corp? You may not know the name, but you sure as shit know the houses.

You’ll be rollin’ through the ghetto, enjoying the colorful flora and fauna and BAM, there she is. You think to yourself, “who the hell would build a brand new house in the middle of this mess?”

American Fucking Housing Corp., that’s who.

These are the geniuses that have somehow created a business model out of buying lots in seedy places and putting up cinder block and stucco manses. Apparently this is working out for them, because I keep seeing these damn things pop up everywhere. Is this a Pinellas thing? A Florida thing? A southern thing?

Here’s the awesome part. Scope out the site and you’ll note that they have a link called Properties on Scattered Lots. Scattered Lots, that’s a damn fine way to explain plopping a house down in the middle of the ghetto. Doesn’t it just sound good? I mean, it sounds weird for sure, but it beats Properties That Look Sweet Because They Are All New And Shit But Then You Look Around And Realize You Are In The Middle Of Some Seriously Sketchy Part Of Town.

Sad fact: There are a minimum of 6 American Housing Corp. Properties on Scattered Lots within blocks of my house. Dammit, I guess I live in the ghetto.

• 0 Comments

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Editor’s Note: topherchris has once again gone against the editorial objectives of The Splog by writing something positive about St. Petersburg. As punishment, he’s been assigned to watch Cocoon and write a lengthy review for the Gulfport Gabber.

The Big Lebowski, easily one of the greatest American motion pictures of all time, is making a very brief run at the Beach Theatre on Wednesday evening. Suck on that, Spider-Man in IMAX at Baywalk.

Since the Theatre has a liquor license, they’re able to offer White Russians — the only drink worthy of consumption during this masterpiece — for this special limited engagement. Ahhhh, you had me at “russian.”

It turns out that the Beach Theatre isn’t slacking over the summer. Back to the Future, ET, and Raiders of the Lost Ark are slated for free Saturday matinees, and this week you could take in everything from Dirty Dancing to Animal House.

If that’s not worth a drive out to “historic” Corey Avenue, then nothing is. Seriously. Nothing.

• 2 Comments

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that stories covering Pasco in the St. Pete Times tend to be poorly written. I mean, how do you screw up an awesome story about a dude backing a trash truck over his co-worker? Come on, that’s Pulitzer shit right there, don’t blow it Thomas Lake. Fortunately I used to be a very expensive consultant for journalists and I will, on this rare occasion, provide free advice for Mr. Lake.

There is little agreement, except for this: One man shouldn’t have been driving, and another man was crushed.

Um, no. We haven’t even gotten to the lede proper and you already screwed up. The most interesting way to state the facts was “another man was crushed”? Shit. I hope your lede itself is better.

Walter Lee Jones was crushed to death on a bed of asphalt, minutes into his shift, by the churning wheels of a garbage truck.

Hmm. Churning is good. A bed of asphalt is not. I would have gone with something like “Under a starless sky, in the vast expanse that is Pasco County, fate spun her tangled web of fortune and this time, she spun it for Walter Lee Jones.” Damn straight.

Here are some other nuggets I particularly enjoyed:

His body was badly mangled in the accident.

He liked to eat mangoes and watch Court TV and play a card game called spades.

This is the story of how one man fell under a garbage truck after another man fell through the cracks.

These are all extremely fine examples of that deathly boring cousin of true journalism known as “fucking crappy journalism.” At least the story ended strong, or rather it did the exact opposite and I’m saying the opposite in order to try to be funny guy. Hell, even I’m confused now. Make with the quote:

Moments after the accident, Dellaquila looked a bystander named Michael Donehoo in the eye and said this: “I’ll never drive a garbage truck again.”

• 2 Comments

• 0 Comments

That’s right, bitches, PP Lo Town. Pinellas Park. I decided to spend a chunk of my Saturday night out on a culture hunt in the wilds of PP Lo Town to file this in-depth report. Well, sort of in-depth.

This particular Saturday night I decided to visit the Parkside Mall, a fascinating place for lots of reasons, not the least of which is the mildly fascinating history. Tell us more, St. Pete Times:

Pinellas Square Mall, 7200 U.S. 19, was built in 1977, about the same time as Tyrone Mall. The fanfare and slick looks disappeared by the 1990s as its prime location at the busy intersection of Park Boulevard and U.S. 19 N failed to draw crowds.

Other fun facts: in 1997 they built the Tampa Bay Skating ice rink and the mall temporarily housed the Pinellas Park Library and Chamber of Commerce.

Jesus, what’s with the long ass lead-in? Get with the reporting. Below is a list of the most interesting cultural phenomena I experienced at the new and improved Parkside Mall this evening.

1. A large group of teenagers gathered outside the Target garden center. In and of itself this isn’t all that fascinating, but throw in some PP Lo Town flavor and it goes something like this: about 12 teenagers, several of the male species minus shirt, 2 of the young females with strollers in tow. They had to have been maybe 16. 16 with strollers. But, it gets better, one of the young mothers was pregnant (again) and the other was booty dancing for the group of shirtless dudes.
2. A small group of pre-teens inside Target, somewhere near furniture. A young male hoodrat provides a soundtrack via his mobile phone, providing a performance of the song as well, while the most scantily clad of the overweight young females reclines on a chair and declares “I’m taking my picture for MySpace.” She was working the angles.
3. Near-homeless, recently-scuffled dude harasses patrons at the movie theater. A dude who was either homeless, or had just completed a really ass-kicking day of cleaning sewers, bums a smoke outside the theater and is clearly bleeding from a fist wound on his lip. The sad sap that gave him the cigarette is getting a lengthy breakdown of exactly how this dude, from birth until today, has arrived at this particular location, with this particular bloody lip.
4. Serious smell of weed in front of the Michaels. This is actually my favorite because the dude who was smoking it is standing there unapologetically, “Yeah, I’m at the Parkside Mall in Pinellas Fucking Park and I’m enjoying my joint in front of this fine establishment of crafts and creative paraphernalia, you got a problem?!“

• 0 Comments

The land mass of the whole United States was supposed to be one giant “free speech zone.” The constitution is flawed, certainly — as were the white guys who wrote it — but the First Amendment is a powerful concept. We’re the Freedom People™ after all. Or something.

Free speech zones are a relatively modern invention which the law has upheld after US courts agreed that the government can’t regulate the content of our expression, but they can regulate the time, place and manner of said expression.

Okay, so “free speech” ain’t what it used to be.

Taken in a vacuum, these zones should be offensive. At least they are to me. But one’s ideology on this can get complicated rather quickly…

The St. Pete Pride Promenade and Street Festival takes place next Saturday on Central Avenue downtown. And for the first time in the event’s five-year run, there will be a free speech zone also on Central.

Suddenly, what was just a rotten idea is now, maybe, a necessary evil.

First, no, I’m not on the “side” of any of the assholes who show up to protest these things. I’m semi-confident in my beliefs on issues like this: Gay-hating zealots are just plain wrong in every way, and I’m right to think of them as hypocritical egocentric mouth-breathing dicks.

As I said, semi-confident. So don’t get me wrong.

It’s no secret that, ironically, an excited anti-gay contingent will be in attendance at the festival next weekend. And it’s no secret that it’s going to get nasty, just like it did last year. Maybe the protests won’t be heard as much, or be as hurtful, when they’re all coming from the same quarter-block area. We’ll see.

Side note: If Larry Keffer was a good Christian man as he claims, he’d thank the gay community for giving him a bandwagon he could jump on to ensure endless column inches of free publicity. How about it, Larry?

Still, as ugly as it’s sure to get, a free speech cage just feels wrong somehow. If you think I’m crazy, imagine a different scenario — say, George W. Bush coming to town to meet with wealthy donors. How would you feel to get cramped into a cage faster than you could say “enemy combatant”?

In a perfect world, the Keffers would stay home and, I don’t know, turn the other cheek. It’s one day. One day that hundreds of gays and lesbians, their families and supporters can all use to come together and celebrate.

I guess that’s what makes it a big day for Larry Keffer, too.

Close-up of the official map of the promenade route. FSZ represents the free speech zone. FAG represents the Flamingo Auto Group, which is sure to cause the protesters’ heads to explode in pretty rainbow colors.

• 7 Comments

I’m not sure how this is still in the news, so don’t ask me. We already covered the John Winter story awhile back, or rather tbt*’s shit handling of the “He died of SHAME” story. Nice work, guys.

Today I was perusing tbt* again and a Letter to the Editor catches my eye. This one, from Jennifer Lewis of Tampa, is listed under the heading Suicide is a selfish act. Here is a bit of it:

I, too, knew John Winter, albeit several years ago. But we were friends for a long time and he always had the ability to make me smile… While I understand the desire to memorialize him as somebody who loved and cared for so many people, let us not forget the death he chose for himself. We shouldn’t let our grief over his loss get in the way of seeing the truth of suicide and how selfish that act is.

Ouch. Kick a guy when he’s down. Or, rather, dig him up, kick him, then bury him again. The picture of John at right is just for you Jennifer, enjoy!

• 0 Comments

Mike down at the 38th Ave Albertsons Liquor Store caught a drunk and disorderly the other night. He totally doesn’t have a problem with alcohol though. Don’t mind the DUI a couple years back, he’s a changed man. No, he was just having a fight with his old lady and things got a little out of hand. Let’s all hope he doesn’t get put back on probation.

That is all.

• 0 Comments

In signing these laws, we put people’s money back where it belongs – in their wallets and pocketbooks.
– Governor Charlie Crist

It’s amazing how quickly some blue Sharpies can change things. I always thought that a bureaucratic system as complicated as the government of Florida would take a few months just to file the paperwork that Crist signed on Thursday. We can’t even count presidential votes with any discernible accuracy.

Not only were the papers filed, they’ve already been stamped, sealed and delivered to the desk of every city official in the state. Along with the pinky of the last guy who didn’t make enough budgetary cuts. Tallahassee doesn’t fuck around.

At least that’s the front that the City of St. Petersburg is showing off today.

As seen in today’s Times:

Wait a minute, these are all really bad things. Ouch. Hold on. Here we have yet another example of the liberal media at work. Where’s the little sidebar for Totally Awesome Effects of the Crist Cut?

I had to go to Charlie Crist’s website to find this information, but it’s all right here in the official press-release:

The average taxpayer will see savings of almost $200 this year.

That’s almost $20 a month! Just think of all you could do with that. It’s like winning the lottery, no?

I know what you’re thinking. “Hold on you handsome blogger you, what about all the exemptions?”

Thank you for the compliment, and you’re right. There’s the homestead exemption and the super homestead exemption and the super-kick-in-the-balls exemption. Yes, yes.

You remember, of course, those aren’t on the table yet, right? Of course you do. Crist’s publicist again:

House Bill 5B provides for a special election to be held on January 29, 2008, giving voters the opportunity to vote on further reductions to property taxes beginning in 2008.

I’m not going to speculate on whether voters will approve this constitutional amendment next year. That’s not the point.

The point is that Baker is about to kill jobs and crack down on libraries, homeless services, Creative Clay and 200 local not-for-profits regardless of whether the major tax break passes or not.

But no matter what, you still win your 16 and change every month. Could come in handy for the downtown parking increase.

• 0 Comments

Seriously, he needs to cut $14M from the budget and has graciously offered a piece of his salary. At least I think that is what he said. What a sweet guy.

• 0 Comments