Poor Michael Wiley. The dude lost three of his four limbs in an electrical accident, and now he’s likely to head to prison for a list of driving and drug offenses as long as your arm (sorry, that was really inappropriate). The Times is all over that shit, doing well to note that among the many other obstacles he’s had to overcome in his life, Wiley’s a champ for having taught himself to drive with his stumps.  Wait, what? I don’t want to seem like the 800-pound, armless gorilla in the room here, but based on his status as a habitual automotive offender, I don’t think he taught himself how to do much but hold the wheel straight and stomp on the gas. This turning to avoid shit is for pussies.  As it turns out, this is pretty much accurate:

‘Dead straight ahead,’ says his father, George Wiley. ‘Never mind the consequences.’

It’s how he lived his life, and it’s how he drove, motherfuckers - well, that’s according to his own father in an earlier Times story about Wiley’s free-wheeling, rebel-without-a-chromosome antics. Oh shit, the article’s even called “Free Wheelin’”. This is better than I thought. I love how even though the dude’s probably endangered countless lives (not to mention defrauding a few people here and there), the article has this awesome Dukes of Hazzard undertone to it. Yeah, I guess I can see that; Wiley’s like a latter-day Robin Hood, except without a single microscopic trace of those redeeming qualities that actually justify the comparison.  One-legged tights!