Greetings from sunny Florida! Now that you’re retired, and, you know, out of jail and stuff, we would like to extend a warm and mostly sincere invitation for you to enjoy your retirement here in fabulous St. Pete. As you may know, Florida has become a mecca for retirees, offering wonderful fare like shuffle board, early bird specials and those electric scooters at Publix. This is just a sampling of the bounty you will find awaiting you here.

If you fear boredom in your retired years, we’ve got that covered as well. Leisure activities of all sort abound, and you may even find that you will desire to rejoin the workforce as one of the many silver-haired army of Wal Mart greeters. Keep in mind you can’t kill anyone, though, you just need to say hello and ensure they are capable of shuffling their way to the nearest electric scooting vehicle (yes, Wal Mart has these too!).

Lastly, and certainly we are not advocating this, but instead providing all details and information as it pertains to your decision, there are a TON of people you could kill. Because of the abundance of other retirees, you would certainly find yourself up to your eyeballs in potential clients. Even a slight shift in your original mission statement would yield yet more potential clients in the form of poor emo kids looking for a way out of this dark and dismal life - beautiful frailty, trapped in the suffocating carcass of mortality, or something like that.

We hope that this has been an enticing proposal, and please contact us when you have made your decision. We look forward to putting together the welcoming committee and will be contacting the city shortly to arrange a ticker tape parade in your honor.